101 Things that Skippy isn't allowed to do in the Army.

[FatSlob]

Gungeon relation: Guns are used in the army. Besides, we need some more fun down here.

101 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO IN THE US ARMY:


Frank Ney wrote:

First, a word of intro For those of you that don't really know Skippy, he's a friend of mine that, in a sad state of sobriety, decided to join the Army. He's also one of the Universe's great agents of Chaos and Discord. Feel free to email him with whatever questions you might have, and don't be concerned about whether or not he knows you or even if he understands what the hell you're talking about. I don't. BTW: Skippy is in Psyops. The first time I met him he was wearing a kilt made of fruit roll-ups. Now, on to the list!


1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working
2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'
3) May not threaten anyone with black magic
4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair
5) May not get silicone breast implants
6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer
7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me
8) May not add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters
9) Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'
10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
11) Not allowed to join the communist party
12) Not allowed to join any militia
13) Not allowed to form any militia
14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo
15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'
17) God may not contradict any of my orders
18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty
19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I'm right
20) Must not taunt the French any more
21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS
22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'
23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true
25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one
26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!''
27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne)
28) May not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)
29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash
31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post
33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over)
37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40) I do not have super-powers.
41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message
42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform
44) I am not the atheist chaplain
45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'
46) I am not authorized to fire officers
47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states
48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'
50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours
51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range
53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range
54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit
56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57) The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence:

· Budding sexuality
· Necrophilia
· I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead
· Sexual lubrication
· Black earth mother
· All marines are latent homosexuals
· Tantric yoga
· Gotterdammerung
· Korean hooker
· Eskimo Nell
· We've all got jackboots now
· Slut puppy
· Any references to squid.

59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia
67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers'
69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'.
74) Wood is not camouflage makeup.
75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78) I may not call block my chain of command.
79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82) May not form any press gangs.
83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things.
85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident.
86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor'
87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom'
89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad'
90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93) Nerve gas is not funny.
94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields.
100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

[MrBenchley]

1. Gee, speaking of fun...

I wonder if that Frank Ney's the same as THIS website's Frank Ney....

http://webleyweb.com/tle/

or this Frank Ney...

"Frank Ney is a Libertarian and serves as West Virginia Coordinator of the Libertarian Second Amendment Caucus. "

http://www.elfie.org/~croaker/unintend.html

Or the Frank Ney who was so het up about the Federal Deficit when he could dishoneslty blame Bill Clinton for it in 1993, but who seems utterly unconcerned about it now?

http://www.mega.nu:8080/revolution/by_name/N/FrankNey.html

Well, now I'm laughing.

[FatSlob]

3. Great post. Did you do it all by yourself?

Now, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell its purpose was. I want the 30 seconds of my life that I just wasted reading your post back. Don't bother responding, I won't see it.

[MrBenchley]

4. Guess it served its purpose...

And I guess those ARE all the same nutcase...

[iverglas]

5. hmm

Of the several hundred occurrences of this thing on the net, only one that I found seems to credit Frank Ney. Perhaps that site was consulted: http://www.cavalrypilot.com/101.html Perhaps this came from a personal email??


The list was in fact amusing. There seem to have been subsequent collaborative efforts:
http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1193
213 things, there.

[FatSlob]

15. That is where it came from.

It appears. I got it from an old room mate.

PS, thanks for the link to the longer one!

[Liberal Classic]

8. Private Benchley, requisition a sense of humor!

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.

121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.

154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

LOL!

Man do these bring back some memories.

This is a modernization of some old 'what not to do in the service' jokes that have been floating around for years, probably longer than I have been alive.

My personal favorate though:

185. My name is not a killing word.

Obligatory Dune reference.

[MrBenchley]

9. Got a fine sense of humor....

I think it's hilarious to catch our "pro gun democrats" dredging through cesspools and recycling dreary crap like this...

"This is a modernization of some old 'what not to do in the service' jokes that have been floating around for years, probably longer than I have been alive."
Yeah, nothing like tired ancient wheezes to give one a BIG laugh...Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?

[Liberal Classic]

10. Show this to any old serviceman

Democrat or Republican, and you'll get a chuckle.

Humor is highly subjective, of course. If they don't tickle your funny bone, it's no skin off my nose. Heck, I think Lunabush's Tuesday jokes are funny, and you know how corny some of them are.

I think it is important, though, not to let ideology interfere with a sense of humor. Someone who does just comes across as a big sourpuss. A right winger who can only laugh and right wing jokes or a left winger who can only laugh at left wing jokes is missing something vitally important. The capacity to see humor in almost every situation is one of the things that unites us as people. Those who can't. in the words of Frank Zappa, "have nothing left to laugh about including themselves."

[MrBenchley]

11. Unless they've seen it fifty million times

"I think it is important, though, not to let ideology interfere with a sense of humor."
Funny, some think it's sort of important to have novelty in what they would consider humor...of course, there are people who think Rush Limbaugh is hilarious.

[Liberal Classic]

13. The sources of humor are many

And as I said above, highly subjective. There's more to humor than just novelty. There's also reminiscence, irony, chagrin, pique, so many things. There's no accounting for taste, ergo Limbaugh. Don't think we have much to argue about there, though. I do find a certain amount of irony in a staunch drug warrior being addicted to prescription pills. Most humor, if not all, has at its foundation the human condition of man's inhumanity to man. Laughing in the face of suffering and misery is one of the things that keeps us sane.

You may fire when ready, Gridley.

[MrBenchley]

14. There's no accounting for taste

And added hilarity in accounting for the alleged "author" of this piece...who appears to have plagiarized it, which certainly adds even further to my general merriment...

[PopeyeII]

16. Half wit ordered to see quartermaster.

nt

[RUSTY SHACKLEFORD]

2. Those are freakin' hilarious dude...

Kinda reminds me of my old Navy days. We had a guy like Skippy on my submarine. Kept everyone in stiches. There was this time when I came in early about 3am in the morning for a reactor startup, climbed down the access hatch and was crossing the control room headed aft when I heard this "tink-tink-tiNK-tINK-TINK" noise getting progressively louder. Before I could even think "What the hell is that noise?" so early in the morning, I see an M-14 rifle fall out of the sail access hatch and hit the deck in front of me butt first! It fell over on its side and after shaking off the intitial shock I walk over and look up the access hatch at the topside lookout. It was our resident buffoon smirking back at me and he says, "Hey dude. Can pass that back up?"

[DonP]

6. I got the "213 Thing Skippy ..." etc.from my son in the Army

I think "Skippy" is a great generic kind of guy, kind of like the WW II version of "Kilroy" or the Brit's "Tommy".

I'm not sure where it originated but I've also seen it on a number of military related sites with only slightly different items for the last four or five months. I think it's been around for a couple of years or more in any event, since some of the references are to Bosnia, and has evolved.

Hard to choose, but my personal favorites (on a Friday afternoon at least) are:

49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'

87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

With a couple of years in the 1st Cav. I can appreciate most of them. Great for a Friday PM smile, that's for sure.

Thanks for the post.

[DoNotRefill]

7. this is very, very old....

for stuff on the internet. You need to read the 213 version Iverglas linked to. I laugh SO hard every time I read this...."Irish MPs are not "after me lucky charms"".... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

I can just imagine the looks of confusion this guy generated. It's a BEAUTIFUL THING. :)

[slackmaster]

12. Here's a link to some Canadian military humour

I love this site. Check out the archived articles:

http://www.thetoque.com/031118/internetdown.htm