Abstinence, Aids, Abortion, Adoption: Real people who were failed.

[juliagoolia]

In time for the holidays I found MS Reed and now she can know the daughter she gave up for adoption in 1959. I also found Ms. Perry in time for her to enjoy the birth-family she lost when she was born in 1966. They plan to meet this weekend. Both of these women are the products of an outdated, over-rated, misunderstood, best alternative choice to single parenthood or abortion, and the failure of abstinence teaching.

These are typical of the cases I work on in my "hobby job" when I am not working at my "real job".

Ms Reed was from OK and born in the mid 30s.This is all the information the government officials would give the child of Ms Reed, which is more than most get. Ms Reed never did marry, and had no other children. Her birth-daughter long ago lost her adoptive parents who (like most) were almost a generation older than her birth-mother. The adoptee now has her medical history! She will no longer have to endure extra medical procedures "just in case" because she knows nothing of her health background.

Ms Perry married, and no longer a Ms Perry, found out she has a mother only 16 years older than herself, and a grandparent still living. She's never had a 'grand' before. After being given to a "nice" family by her very young, high school age birth-mother, the family promptly broke apart by the time she was three, and later she landed in foster homes for a while. The government gave her very little information when she went asking about her roots. What the governemt told her was that the files were sealed and they could tell her nothing. Today, she finally has siblings and a young mother who really wants her and her children to be part of a family. She also has a grandparent, something neither she or her children have enjoyed.

There are no black and white answers, but tonight MS Reed, and MS Perry have both found the other halves and four people have a chance to start something that could make a difference in their lives. Of course relationships will have to be worked out as they always do. Some will work out, and some wont, but that seems to be the case in all families. Regardless of what happens they are no longer looking.

The answer is not always abortion, and its not always adoption either. Being someone involved in all aspects of the "touched by adoption" community, I can say that no-one ever escapes adoption without scars. Women who have an abortion are also left with scar tissue of their own.

There is no right or wrong decision and often when this happens to a young girl all of her choices stink; there just is no good option. Usually there is no financial support for her should she decide to keep the baby, and often families abandon their own and offer no emotional support either. Forcing a young woman to give birth and then give up her baby is practically insane on so many levels if she does not feel this is the very best she can do for her child. This situation almost never leaves an unharmed mother, nor does it create a Father Knows Best life for the child. Regardless of how wonderful the adoptive family is there is always a scar. I am an adoptive mother as well. Walking away and leaving a child you give birth to can leave a HUGE void in a person's life regardless of how wonderful the adoptive family is. Growning up knowing you were given away no matter how its painted leaves scars too, and also many questions about origin and health.

I am sure you can imagine the tearful conversations I have had with hundreds on all sides of this issue over the years.

When I hear the "pro-life" people talking, and the "adoption proponents" like DR Laura Schlessinger trying to convince young women to give their babies away I am repulsed at the lack of insight they seem to have about what they are asking people to do. I also see people that have full lives that if they were aborted would not exist.

It is just not black and white. Its so much more complex and John Kerry is right, its not something that you can legislate for someone else. The idea that we can teach people to abstain from sexual relations has never worked even when shame and guilt were as common as poodles on skirts. It didn't work in the 50's and 60's and it isn't working now. Humans have always had sex. Condoms do more than prevent disease, they prevent heart aches as well.

We really must support and fight for open honest complete sex education.I also strongly encourage us to work to build stronger supports for young women in situations where they are faced with these horrible decisions so they have more choices.

Anyway, MS Reed, MS Perry and their families will have a much fuller Christmas this year than they had hoped for.

And it did my heart some good too!!!

Both Ms Reed and Ms Perry are fictional names, but are representative of two cases I solved this week.

[StoryTeller]

1. I mostly agree...

As an adoptive mom, the sister of adopted siblings, and a friend to several birth-moms, I know adoption is a multi-faceted experience. There is always a scar. My daughter, adopted from China, is already (at the age of 7) mourning the loss of her China mom and dad. She started this process when she was 2 and a half.

However, this grieving process doesn't define who she is or control her entire life. And, honestly, I am so thankful that whoever her parents were, they let her live. I don't know if they had a choice in that or not, but I'm deeply grateful for my daughter's life, even WITH the scar she will have because of the adoption. She is already an amazing, inspiring individual, and she's going to lead a very fulfilling, active life. I can't take credit for that, but I'm so honored to be part of her life.

I think it's wonderful that you get to be involved in reuniting these children and mothers. I wish with all my heart that my daughter could look forward to such a reunion someday with her Chinese parents, but the way it works over there, it's pretty much impossible.

The birth-mothers I know also feel the same way about their children. All of them grieved and still do occasionally (even the one with an open-adoption). Yes it has left a scar. Do any of them regret giving birth? Absolutely not. They may have regrets about what led up to the result of getting pregnant, but not the child itself.

And as you said, abortion is not scar-free either. There are no easy or pat answers. I do think encouraging young people to wait until they are older before having sex, and not having sex casually, does help. Two of my birth-mom friends were in college when they got pregnant, though, so this issue doesn't just affect teenagers. A sexual relationship at any age does affect a person in more ways than getting pregnant. Most teens are not emotionally ready for that sort of relationship because although they have the hormones, they lack the maturity. I think abstinence should be encouraged as part of a healthy education about being sexual beings, but I don't support the condemnation that happens among abstinence advocates when a young person ends up not making that choice.

[juliagoolia]

2. We do mostly agree !.

Abstinence education is ONLY PART of the answer. Prevention is another part, and like I said, offering more choices which would involve a support structure that is stronger in the community is another aspect of the situation. Forcing a girl because she becomes pregnant to carry the pregnancy full term and give a baby away is also something that should be re-examined. (IMHO)

I personally know of a girl that was 'forced' to do this by her parents and church leader. She warned them she didn't think she could do it when she first became pregnant. They pushed her, and indeed she did give birth and sign papers to give her baby away. She also blew her brains out a few months later. A pro-lifer told me that was her choice to blow her brains out. Perhaps it was, but what did her support structure tell her. They told her the fetus was a more valuable human than she was. We are all equally valuable, and she is gone forever.

I support a lot more choices that include supports and education as well as the choice an individual has to make with their own conscience and body.

[StoryTeller]

5. What do you think about open adoptions?

It sounds like you have a lot of experience in this area. Do you think open adoptions help make the adoption experience easier or more difficult? My friend who is the birthmom part of an open adoption triad mostly thinks it is fine, but sometimes it's really awkward for everyone. Her sister-in-law, also my friend and a birthmom, is glad that she has a closed adoption with a clause that the records can be unsealed when her daughter is 18. Looking on as an adoptive mom who didn't have the option of doing an open adoption, I tend to think open adoptions are a better way to go, but I'm sure there are lots of factors that affect it. So I was just curious what your experience/opinion are about this.

Thanks.

[juliagoolia]

8. I think open adoptions are best

But I also think the adoptive parents should be able to decide how OPEN they are. I have a completely open adoption and although its at times difficult it seems to have been the best choice for the people involved.

[StoryTeller]

11. That makes sense. Thanks. nt

[shrike]

4. Please don't think you have nothing to do with what she is

You put her to bed at night, help her with her schoolwork, etc. You are there for the day-to-day things. You are putting her on a path through life. Don't discount your influence, please.

[StoryTeller]

6. Thanks so much...

I appreciate your reminder. :) I didn't mean to denigrate our role as parents in her life. I was really referring to how a lot of people hear we adopted internationally and they start fawning all over us, telling us what a noble, wonderful thing we did, and how lucky she is, blah, blah, blah. They mean well, and I do think she is better off with us than in an orphanage or on the streets, but we aren't the heroes or the great American rescuers or anything. We've been given an incredible gift, and it's an honor to be her parents.

[shrike]

10. Yes, I can imagine that's true

My cousin adopted a little girl, and they hate being told how "noble" they are. They say they adopted for selfish reasons: they wanted a child to nurture and love.

[juliagoolia]

12. I'd love to hear that from more adoptive parents

I think your attitude about being given the privilege of raising this child is wonderful. Due to your honest and open attitude she will be much better off in the long run.

I wish more of us, would go adopt foster children. I guess thats asking a lot huh? Many just want brand new babies while the foster homes are packed with kids begging for permanent homes.

[StoryTeller]

13. Thanks!

I think growing up in a family that adopted three handicapped children really shaped my view of adoption. The first one my parents adopted died shortly after her first birthday, and one thing my parents stressed to me because of that was that you have to hold your kids with an open hand and remember they are just "on loan" to you. You don't own them. :)

Foster System... I struggle SO much with this! On one hand, I would love to see these kiddos have permanent families. I don't personally feel a strong need to have a baby -- been there, done that. They're cute but exhausting. :) If we return to China for another adoption, we plan to request a toddler because we know the older those children get, the less chance they have of being adopted.

But our American foster system is a mess, as you probably know. And it is often as damaging to the children in it as the situations they came out of. There is little stability, and the road to being available for adoption is long and hard. I don't know what the answer is, or even where to begin trying to fix it. But I think any parent considering adopting a foster child needs to become well-educated about the system and about the needs and issues many foster children face. I grew up with an adopted brother who has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Reactive Attachment Disorder among other problems, and it has a far-reaching effect on the entire family. Parents who aren't equipped to deal with these things or who have other children who might become at risk to be victimized by the situation need to be cautious about foster care or adoption.

I'm not trying to suggest that people shouldn't become more involved in foster care or adoption, but that I know from experience it is not for the faint of heart. People need to go into it with their eyes opened and a support network already in place, and be ready to love courageously and persistently no matter what. And they need to realize that even all the love in the world sometimes can't totally fix what has been broken by negligence and abuse. If people go into it with a "stray puppy" mentality, they're going to get bulldozed when reality hits.

On the other hand, I just found out that my mom's best friend's son, who was their foster son and then adopted son, is now happily married and a new dad, and is holding down a job. This is practically a miracle considering that he, too, has FAS and has been in constant trouble with the law and unable to hold down a job, etc., for most of his life. It tells me that even though this family has been to hell and back for this child, they did have a positive effect on his life and have given him the opportunity to live a better life than he would have without them. And a good wife obviously didn't hurt either. :)

Now, if only my brother's story would have such a happy turn to it...

[shrike]

3. Recently finished a book by a (former) teen-age mom

She collected the stories of teen-age moms and included her own.

You forgot to include the scars that form when very young women, still children themselves, raise children. I'll start out by saying that the young women profiled in this book are heroes. All of them managed to get some kind of education, get ahead in life and keep their families together. Along the way they had some godawful experiences.

The one that still haunts me involved a girl who, at 13, became pregnant by a man more than 10 years older than herself. When she became pregnant with their third daughter, she decided to give the child up for adoption. Everyone she knew, including her own mother, told her what a terrible person she was for doing so. The father consented to the adoption, but afterwards announced that she would give no more of "his" children away. So he married her, at long last.

She found out, too late, that he was sexually abusing the two daughters she had left. One of them hung herself in their basement when she was 15. The other started drinking, but eventually joined AA and got clean and sober. This woman concluded by saying that she would be delighted to meet her third daughter if the girl sought her out, but that she truly believes she made the right choice in giving her up.

My own personal experience has been that young girls who raise their babies themselves get stuck in adolescence and childhood somehow -- I've met women in their 30s, 40s who were once teen mothers, and it was like they were still teenagers, doing reckless, irresponsible teenage things (and yes, I realize not all young mothers are like this.)

So it is not an easy answer all around. Lord knows I don't have them. But it's an imperfect at best world and I suppose we all do the best we can.

[juliagoolia]

7. Thanks for your comments

This is really meant to cause people to examine their ideas about these issues, and realize there are more sides to the stories. We must be very careful about the positions we take and hold firmly to.

I was a young mother myself. Divorced at 19, and raised a child with no support structures. My child was disabled, while I built a career, sued school systems I think I did better than many others with more advantages.

I am doing my second round of parenting now as an adoptive parent.

[shrike]

9. Wow

You did an amazing job -- pat yourself on the back.

Did you know that adoption was/is quite common in indigenous cultures? Native Americans adopted captives and foundlings -- black, white, Indian. There is a tribe in Indonesia called the Toraja. Anthropologists say that adoption is so common amongst those tribesmen that almost every Torajan is either adopted himself or has a close, adopted family member.

Often adoption is a pragmatic choice amongst these peoples. If I have five children and you have none, I will give you two of my kids to raise as your own. That way, all five of my offspring are more likely to survive to adulthood. And you will have children to take care of you in your old age.

Some Native Americans believed that an adopted child took on the spirit of a deceased loved one -- thus, parents who lost a child might opt to adopt another. Also, some Indonesian tribesmen might choose to "give" their sons to a great warrior or chief. The boys were then expected to absorb the noble character of their new fathers.

[juliagoolia]

14. Yeah but,

The way its done here is almost or nearly insane.

The secrets, lies, and shame surrounding it is riciulous. I know so many birthmothers that have never gotten over the grief. Just as many adopted that are still struggling with identity.

Face it, when a big boned girl is raised up in a family of skinny folks who have perfect figures and are fragile she is bound to have some self image issues. I know one man that was pushed by his family to go into law, and finally after becoming a legal assistant he quit and went into music. After finding his birthfamily he finds out his birthmother was a singer/dancer and birthfather also an opera singer professionally. Well no wonder!

Secrets and sealed up records need to stop.
We also need to teach about birth control and condoms in school so less of these young people have to go through so much trauma and drag it around on their shoulders the rest of their lives.