I badly need moral support.

[readmoreoften]

Hey everyone, I'm pretty much a wreck.

I was just hired to work as a teaching assistant at a major private university where the teaching assistants are about to go on strike. A union established three years ago. Three years ago people in my situation only made $10,000 dollars a year for sometimes up to 50 hours a week of work-- no benefits. After we fought for unionization, pay went up 40% immediately (we are now at 80%), workloads were cut to 20 hours a week, we got health benefits, tuition remission, security and protection.

Then Bush appointed more conservatives to the National Labor Board and they voted that public universities did not have to recognize our union because we weren't really workers. Mind you: 50-60% of ALL courses are taught by teaching assistants at this particular university, where undergraduate tuition is about $40K a year. Even though our job title is 'assistant', the majority of us seem to teach our own classes outright. I know I do.

Now that we lost our union and our security, we are going to strike. We are not asking for more money, we are only asking for the university to continue recognizing our union.

Compared to people in other departments, I am on a fast track to a better job at the university. I probably won't be an 'assistant' long enough to even reap the benefits of what I'm fighting for. I'm striking because it is the right thing to do, because I won't cross a picket line, because I have to carry the torch, because I have to fight for the ones who come after me.

While up to 95% of the people in many departments are striking, I am one of only two people in my department who will be striking- about a rate of 2%. While my colleagues reap the benefits of what people fought for just three years ago, they will not lift a finger to do what's right. They won't educate themselves on the situation. Even if they are sympathetic and knowledgable, they are avoiding the issue and they are avoiding me.

My boss is supportive. While he disagrees with my decision, he understands my principles and will not retaliate against me.


So, I went out with some colleagues last night right after a union meeting. These are people I've known for about a year. In fact, I actually thought about my one colleague and his wife-- she works as a waitress and has no health insurance because, as teaching assistants, her husband and I do not get partner benefits. I've thought about how important it is for people in her position to be able to have access to benefits and I was really proud that I was fighting for what's right. I thought about how my partner and I will be in the same position when she loses her insurance in May. Obtaining spousal/partner benefits was the next thing on the union's agenda.

So I meet my colleagues and their wives at a restaurant of their choosing. It is an expensive, trendy, candlelit type of place. My colleague's wife (the one with no health benefits, who I was so worried about) downed plate after plate of oysters. I watched her eat her perfectly pan-seared tuna and laugh in the candlelight. As I talked to her husband about union issues (he is torn about striking) I watched her scowl. When he went outside to have a cigarette with my girlfriend, I gestured towards his wife to console her about the strike. I said, "Don't worry, if (husband's name) decides to strike, he won't lose his job. Our boss is being really protective. This is going to be really beneficial for us, if we win you won't have to worry about your health insurance anymore (and so on.)"

Well, with this horrible smug and contemptuous look on her face, she just started to spit out words. She called me a liar, she called me 'greedy', she accused me of not caring about my students and then finally... said with absolute hate in her voice and a smile on her face said:

"You know, nobody cares. Why don't you just SHUT the fuck UP?"

I left with tears in my eyes as she cackled and walked away to go laugh with the others.

My girlfriend and I left.

So I will be out on the picket line. One of two people in my entire department, risking my job, constantly agonizing, fighting for benefits for people who won't lift a finger to fight for their own.

I'm fighting for people who despise me for doing what's right. For parasites who spit on the those who fought to get them the little that they do have.

For people who tell me they just want me to shut the fuck up.

I'm risking everything for her candelight dinners and her plates of oysters and her pan-seared tuna and her carefree laughter.

[LynzM]

1. Many hugs to you, dude

God, I would have wanted to smack that woman. Ugh. :hug: You ARE doing what's right. I went to a university with the situation you're describing- the "TAs" were really just "Ts". You, and those who will come after you, deserve the recognition and benefits of your hard work. It's definitely hard now, but I hope that you will be able to look back and know that you did the right thing. Good for you, and shame on her.

[Ravenseye]

4. I didn't mention it in my post

...but when I was in grad school the "TA's" who taught 90% of the classes, did all the grading, office hours, etc...got diddly squat...

One of the reasons I left the program was that they offered me a TA position my second year, for no pay, on top of preparing for my own degree, and wouldn't even comp my tuition. Seriously. They wanted me to work more than full time for them, while studying on my own and taking my own grad courses, and not even comp my tuition.

Some places are nuts. I fully support this strike.

[Zodiak]

59. As do I

The grad students at Ohio State are not treated wonderflly, but we at least get benefits with the option of spousal benefits, and our tuition is waived.

But my Master's degree was a nightmare. No comped tuition, $500 a month to teach 35 hours a week, and insufficient departmental funds for basic teaching supplies.

I'm sure it has gotten far worse since then.

[TexasLawyer]

61. Similar experience here

I was a TA in Philosophy, in the PHD program at a big state school. Worked like a dog, got little money and no benefits.

I loved the field, but I got out because it looked like a long future dealing with the same horrendous working conditions. So I left and went to law school.

If TAs are not paid a living wage, then only trust-fund kids and/or the most masochistic grad-hobos (who literally live in the library) will be able to "afford" to work as TAs.

So, I support the strike, too.

[Ravenseye]

2. What a Bitch!

Seriously. People like that aren't your friends. sure you're fighting for their rights and benefits as well, which makes you a better person...

just don't let people like that get you down.

really unbelieveable. Had she ever been that nasty to you before?

[readmoreoften]

11. no

we were commiserating about her lack of insurance just last week.

[Ravenseye]

21. That's really odd then

Was she drunk, and a bad drunk at that? If someone I had previously been friendly with acted that way to me, I'd probably never deal with them again if necessary. If I went out and she were there, I'd leave and tell people that I had no desire to spend an evening in the presence of someone so nasty. Etc.

Be strong. Strike.

[Pacifist Patriot]

25. I certainly support you.

TAs aren't workers? Bah! You are doing the right thing and I'm very sad you are encountering such vile resistance.

[Captain Hilts]

3. Teaching assistants struck twice while I was at U Toronto.

We earned more than your average US teaching assistant because of the union. But I'll admit the strike votes were not legitimate.

Picketting in Toronto, in February.

Good luck to you. Teaching assistants are horribly exploited at universities.

[WA98296]

5. Hang in there, doing the right thing is often tough.

Your colleague's wife is ignorant and may come around one day or not, but she's not the only person with stuff on the line here.

Good luck.

[leftyclimber]

6. Research assistant here

(fortunately unionized)

You're fighting the good fight. You're standing up for the rights of your fellows, and for the rights of those who don't comprehend what their rights ARE. Unfortunately, that means you have to fight for the STFU people as much as the ones whose eyes are open. Good for you for being brave enough to do it.

Hold your head high, for you are doing What Is Right. Without risks, there are no rewards. Hang in there, and let us know how everything turns out.

:hug:

[Dora]

7. Wow. What a bummer of a night for you.

Obviously, she has issues. That doesn't make the experience any less crappy for you, though.

I hope she develops a bad stomach ache.

I hope you have a nice weekend.

[Ravenseye]

22. Yeah, Maybe Botulism from those Oysters

Someone without health care should think twice about eating oysters and pan seared tuna, imho.

[s-cubed]

8. Hang in there - it's always easier to live with yourself

when you are true to your principles. Unfortunately, you got blindsided by someone you thought you knew, but that happens to all of us. Her hate is not the answer. Also, I learned a valuable lesson once about people. The point is that we can never know where someone else has been, or what their experiences have been, so we can't really understand why they behave the way they do. For example, you have a good friend, who one day totally ignores and seems to snub you. Later, you find out that her mother died the day before. She wastn't snubbing you: she was in shock and grief. This woman may have had some very unfortunate experience with unions which has colored her feelings. Or, she might be a jerk! But rather than return the hate with hate, I prefer to keep my integrity and good will toward others - even when they wrong me. That doesn't mean I will not fight for what I believe is right. Good luck, and thank you.

:yourock:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

9. There is nothing like picket line issues

to bring out the worst in people.

Years ago my husband (who was a teacher) and his colleagues went on strike. He was the only breadwinner in the family at the time and we had two babies. He also had a part-time job in a store and he would put in some time on the picket line and then go to the other job in an attempt to make some money. We had many debts. A number of his colleagues never forgave him for that. It was a bitterness that lasted the next decade until he left that position.

[Dinger]

10. You Have My Support readmoreoften

As I read your post, I was reminded of the young Paul Wellstone, who fought for the less fortunate despite the enourmous odds against him. As a teacher myself (elementary) and also a union officer, I appreciate so very much what you are doing. In some way, your efforts will benefit me and others who are in situations similar to yours. Be strong readmoreoften, and consider me an invisible force that is there with you.:grouphug:

[IChing]

12. You got it, you are doing the right thing, you are the pearl in the oyster

.

[Brewman_Jax]

13. Stay strong

she's spewing the standard neo-con line. I've found that most neo-cons like liberal policies (esp. those that benefit them), but hate liberals--those that stand up for what's right, often at great personal cost.

You're doing right.

[Martin Eden]

14. Let me quote you:

I'm risking everything for her candelight dinners and her plates of oysters and her pan-seared tuna and her carefree laughter.

No, you're not. If that ignorant woman were the sole beneficiary of your efforts and sacrifice, you wouldn't do it.

I'm striking because it is the right thing to do, because I won't cross a picket line, because I have to carry the torch, because I have to fight for the ones who come after me.

Much of what is good in this world is the result of people such as yourself doing the right thing when others were too cautious or selfish or ignorant to fight the good fight.

When all is said and done -- even if you pay a price for your efforts and the union isn't recognized -- you will be much better off having done the right thing. You don't have to live with that oyster-slurping ignoramus all your life -- you have to live with yourself, and with those you love and who love you.

Decades from now, you will look back with no regrets that you did the right thing and didn't allow some idiot(s) who don't possess a fraction of your character and integrity to influence your course of action.

Please do not despair on their account. You know there are all kinds of people in this world. With strength and humility, you should be proud to count yourself among the many good people whose efforts help to make a better life for everyone -- even for those whose own personal shortcomings lead them to heap derision on their betters.

[Dogmudgeon]

15. It's a certainty

The bitchy girlfriend will regret her actions.

If she has a conscience, she will wise up.

If she doesn't, she's a sociopath, and your pal is likely to kick her to the curb.

These things have a way of reaching equilibrium; fairly fast, too.

Good luck with the job action, too. That's the main thing.

--p!

[Rainbowreflect]

16. I am so sorry you were treated that way.

:hug:
Please remember that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. While she is the sad, narrow minded, selfish person.

[Rainbowreflect]

17. I am so sorry you were treated that way.

Sorry, dupe.

[otohara]

18. Up-Side... You'll Never Have To Watch

that smug bitch stuff herself again. Hang tough and good luck!

[rateyes]

19. Those people you are fighting for...

who won't fight for themselves are "scabs." And, if you win, they will owe you a debt of gratitude. As for the oyster lady, forget her. If you win, and she gets health insurance, you will be able next time you see her to say "you're welcome." She is not worth the energy it takes to "fret over." And, thank you for doing what you know in your heart to be right. You are a courageous person.

[calmblueocean]

20. God, what a nasty woman.

So sorry you had to deal with that.

People in this country have been so bombarded by "free market" rhetoric and know so little about how unions are responsible for the prosperity that even non-union members enjoy. Don't let the idiots and assholes get you down. Draw strength from it. Your victories in life mean all the more when you really remember how hard it was to get there.

All the best on your strike, and in the rest of your life, too. :)

[rockymountaindem]

23. It's the right thing.

Screw those ingrates. One thing about being a liberal means helping someone even when they don't realize it. Good for you, and I wish you all the best.

[madokie]

24. And you know down deep you are doing whats right

and in that you have peace.
:hug:

[spooky3]

26. I've been in your position and I know how painful this reality is.

Try to remember that you are doing the right thing even if some other people are behaving badly.

Try also to remember that it's not your responsibility to fight other people's battles for them, when they won't do all they can to fight with you. There is nothing wrong with your stepping back at some point and reassessing just how much you want to risk for others.

[madmom]

27. In solidarity brother...

defending the common good on the picket line is better than on the front line.These leaches on society will always be with us.UAW proud

[hatrack]

28. Congratulations on your self-restraint

I would have thrown a glass of overpriced wine in her face.

[readmoreoften]

29. Thanks to you all.

I just came back from a five hour mandatory staff meeting. I made it through it because of you guys. When I left this morning, I felt like I was going to cry through the whole thing. But for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't feel alone.

I feel like I'm surrounded by cowards. I love coming to DU because it's edifying to feel the strength of people who I know are working for change. I'm not immune to fear. I'm really afraid. But I walk through that fear because I know I am a part of something much bigger. I know that I'm in every decision I make, I'm a historical actor. My part is very very small, but if all the small roles don't get filled, then history doesn't happen.

I really may need the wisdom and strength of people who have gone through this. This is my first experience working with organized labor. I know I'll make mistakes, but I want don't want to make stupid ones.

No matter what. I guess I'll learn a lot.

[DS1]

30. She'll have her comeuppance

In triplicate

[elehhhhna]

32. I'm thinking a few bad oysters might make her rethink her carelessness

about health insurance.

Karma's tough.

[Lisa]

44. ironic if that came about because of overworked, undertrained staff ...

... in the kitchen, who weren't protected by a union and weren't able to refuse to do work for which they didn't have FoodSafe certification, say.

[elehhhhna]

47. or gulf oysters infected by Katrina runoff...

[cally]

31. Teaching Assistants continue to be

exploited because there are too few people like you who are willing to take a stand. I salute you for your dedication and values.

I would try to ignore the hatefulness of your colleague's wife. She is not important and probably doesn't represent many others view. I often find that others in a group may support you but are afraid of the confrontation. Their silence in the face of her hatefulness does not mean the rest agree with her. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted. :hug:

[Joe Chi Minh]

33. What goes round has a way of coming round, doesn't it?

They'll get their comeuppance. And rue the day the day they chose to be finks.

[BiggJawn]

34. Now you know how the UAW pioneers felt.

Only they weren't being told to STFU by some ignorant cow, they were getting their heads bashed in by Harry Bennett's goons.

I give you a big thumbs-up and a huge hug, readmore!
:hug:

Good luck to you.

We're not unionized here, either. Service workers think Johnny P LOVES them!

[spuddonna]

35. I'm so sorry this woman attacked you so cruelly!

You know, my dad walked the picket lines during a strike with his union back in the 70's, but he was lucky. He had the support of most of his union, and many of the non-union people at the company...

My dad had the four of us kids and a stay-at home wife to support, and it was a hard decision even then to make, and the support for unions was much stronger then.

You are a brave person, and I'd love to find that bitca and knock some sense into her head! :)

She is so ignorant and ungrateful, and it makes me furious!

Know that this is a good fight, and the good fights are worth fighting! I really believe that. Good luck, and please update us on how the strike goes! :hug:

[CrispyQ]

36. Shame on her for her greedy, mean-spirited, me-first attitude.

I am so sick of this pervasive "I've got mine now fuck you" attitude in this country. You are right that they are parasites. They are the worst kind of human being, cuz even when bad times hit them personally, they are only motivated to join in the solidarity to get what they need & once have that, go back to their selfish ways.

Unfortunately, our country is full of people like her; people who denigrate liberal values & the benefits that liberals have fought for over the years, all the while, happily reaping these very benefits!

Kudos to you, readmoreoften! If there were more you's in the world & less her's it would be such a better place! Good luck with the strike. I hope it goes well & you get what you are fighting for.

[Neil Lisst]

37. People act for selfish reasons. Hers are easy to see.

She perceives you as threatening to her, and therefore she attacks you. If you were not so edgy because your career is on the line, you'd not be so moved by her comments.

Me? I'd get some payback, but that's just the kind of asshole I am.

As for your strike issues, you don't have enough support, in my view, to make striking worthwhile, and sacrificing yourself at this time seems unwise. It may be time to survive today to fight another day.

[readmoreoften]

43. my department is an anomaly.

We have almost 100% support in many departments. Mine is one of the weakest links, with very little support at all. All the decisions about my employment will not come through my department, but through the university. In other words, even though I am in Department X, I have people from History and Math and American Studies beside me.

[Career Prole]

38. I have a forty-hour workweek because someone long before I was born

took a club to the head for me on a picket line.

I have a safe workplace because someone long before I was born took a bullet for me on a picket line.

You aren't doing this for that oyster-sucking woman, friend.

The person you're doing this for may not even be born yet, but will nevertheless be grateful to you, just as we are to those who came before us.

Keep fighting the good fight. She's just a distraction. :hug:

[grace0418]

39. Beautifully said!

I concur!

[readmoreoften]

42. Thank you. You're right.

Everyone isn't like her. I have to remember that.

[Career Prole]

46. Great! I was hoping you'd read that.

You knew it already, but that beeyatch got under your skin.
Forget her, forget the ones that won't stand with you. It's not for them you're doing it.
It's people just like you that have gotten us all the gains we have, and right now it's you helping us keep them.
We're here for you. Keep fighting.
:yourock:

[bleedingheart]

56. you summed it up beautifully...

my grandfather was a labor activist in the early 20th century...

[Career Prole]

63. And now nearly a century later

you've let thousands know it.
Men like your granddad have a sort of immortality in the ranks of the labor movement, and it's a hard-earned immortality.

He too no doubt had dark moments when he thought no one was noticing, much like the OP of this thread.

We haven't forgotten, and those fighting to keep the labor movement alive like the OP will also be remembered.

Workers will always take care of workers...hell...nobody else will. :eyes:

[roguevalley]

40. You must always do what you believe is right and what is right for

your conscience. She is a butthole. That is what she is. God will take care of her. You do the right thing for your soul and have my complete respect. This always happens, my friend, during strikes. Take care and keep your soul. She's a bitch and a lost cause.

[Lisa]

41. sessional instructor/TA here ...

We formed a union for the sessionals about the same time your group did. (And at our school, too, most of the teaching work is done by the sessionals and TAs.) We have managed to have tutorial sizes capped -- in the past there were situations where the TAs were forced to take so many extra people that there weren't enough computers or equipment to go around, and of course their marking workload skyrocketed until they were getting something like $5 per hour. We haven't had to walk out yet (though we did support the cafeteria, office, and maintenance workers a while back). Right now we are dealing with a situation where my department's Dean has demanded that the school deduct our wages for supporting the schoolteachers and nurses when all the public service unions had a "day of action" to protest what was being done by our provincial government.

Anyway, I am sorry that you had to put up with such rudeness from your colleague's spouse. I wonder if the reason she had such a violent reaction is because she's having troubles at her own workplace, and is taking it out on you? The food service people in our town have had an awful time -- some of them are trying to unionize, and management has been setting workers against each other. The instructor down the hall from me said that his wife (a sous-chef) is seeing that in her restaurant now. Most of the people there really want a union, but there are a few who have been bought off by management and are causing trouble. Maybe this is the situation with "oyster woman"?

I'll bet that she is the first person to raise a cry when she feels she's been hard done by. It would not surprise me one bit if she is the first person to take advantage of union protection -- I've seen it before!

Are there any other departments in your building which are more sympathetic (more people willing to go out on strike, etc.?). They might be able to provide more support. I know that one of the Physics grad students has been hanging around with the Biology and Social Science people, since there are more of us who share his political views.

When we did finally unionize, we were amazed by how many sessionals there were on campus. We were all off in our own departments, a couple here or a half-dozen there, and we hadn't seen the big picture.


Solidarity Forever!

[bluestateguy]

45. I was a TA recently

I am now an adjunct instructor, which is worse in some ways. The pay is a little better, but there is not a whole lot in the way of benefits, and the university I have taught at for 3 years still will not give me my own office.

Anyway, my experience was that some departments are really conscious about labor issues, while others are very apathetic.

[IndyOp]

48. While I was in grad school, TA and RA salaries started to

be taxed. Up until then they had been considered 'scholarships' and were income-tax free. Before they were taxed and back when student health insurance was decent - then the low salaries were still livable. Once they were taxed and health insurance began to cover only injuries that cost more than $5,000 (virtually) then, IMO, then RA and TA positions became 'jobs'. Many universities just don't get this. Of course, now that colleges & universities are operating on a 'business model' and state and federal funding has sunk like a boulder - the schools are trying to pay students less than crap. Tenure-track faculty are golden, the rest of us are in this together!

THANK YOU for what you are doing!

Instead of thinking about the oyster-eating witch, you might think instead of the innocent young children of students who don't have insurance coverage and who have access to (sometimes) less than adequate cheap daycare -- they will benefit immediately!

:yourock:

[LoZoccolo]

49. Imagine what the husband must go through from that ice princess.

Serious, probably sucks to be him. Bet you could get him drunk and he'd start coming out with some really interesting stories...

[LoZoccolo]

50. Duplicate, deleting. n/t

[flygal]

51. You're fighting the good fight

Good luck getting through this - it is tough. I remember when our teachers when on strike 15 years ago - there are still people who can't talk about it. But they did end up better for it - I wish they understood that. Good luck - we're all here for you.:hug:

[Jacobin]

52. Drunks say very hurtful things (at least some do)

Sounds to me like she was lit up on wine or whatever and was emabarassed about her situation and was pretending things were ok by overindulging and instead of dealing with the problem in a sensible way, she lashed out at you in a very hurtful and inappropriate way.

I've gotten so tired of mean drunks that I now avoid them like the plague. Life is too short.

You are right. If people aren't willing to sacrifice for union participation, the blood and sweat and tears of three generations who fought much harder battles will be wasted.

Good luck to you and chin up. (screw mean drunks!)

[Ilsa]

53. What a fucking bitch!

So sorry you had to put up with such a person, even for an evening out. Best wishes on the strike and your new position.

[eridani]

54. An old, old story

Back in the old days flight attendants were called "stewardesses" and were fired if they married or got pregnant. After much agitation by feminist union women this situation changed. So now we can hear married and pregnant stewardesses say, "I'm not a feminist, but.......yadayadayadayada."

The struggle is worth it for its own sake. Some of your beneficiaries will realize what they owe you, but most won't. A few will mask their own cowardice with contempt.

[GreenPartyVoter]

55. Hey, you gotta do what you think you gotta do. We'll support you here

:patriot: :hug:

[area51]

57. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

That asshole must be a nazi w/her "fuck you" attitude. :hug:

[bloom]

58. She had better start thinking about her mercury intake.

The "better" the tuna, the more the mercury.

Good luck to you.

[natrat]

60. spectrum

some people care too much for there own good and some people dont care at all

[MsConduct]

62. You are the BIGGER person. Keep doing what you're doing and

know that the one's who come behind you will reap the benefits of your actions. Peace and SOLIDARITY!
:yourock:

[DanCa]

64. Hugs -

Hey RMO long time no see. I am sorry to hear of your troubles.
If there's anything you need from me please ask. Also try to take a thinking break tomarrow. Get your self a nice hearty breakfeast and stow yourself away with a book that's mostly fluffy. Relax and breathe it'll be allright.

[WildEyedLiberal]

65. Your post brought tears to my eyes

My dad is lifelong UAW. When his company tried to screw him and his fellow workers, they went on strike for about two years when I was a kid. He made next to nothing, and we had it really rough. I remember going with him to the union hall to pick up his small weekly check that got us by in those times.

He still works for the same company, and his benefits have enabled me to receive life-saving medical care. His salary has enabled me to go to college. I owe my father so much - and I will NEVER forget his struggles to fight for what his company had promised him, his benefits and his working wages, that they wanted to take away, take away from him, and from me, and from thousands of other hard-working laborers who just want to make a life for their families. I will NEVER forget the courage of union men and women who stand up to their corrupt corporations and say ENOUGH - we want FAIR wages, FAIR benefits, and FAIR treatment. My father is my hero - and so are you.

Solidarity forever.

[marions ghost]

66. Having been a TA

I know the nature of the exploitation that goes on in universities. I only wish I had had the option to join a union, but there wasn't one. Please keep doing what you're doing, and realize that you're doing it for exploited workers everywhere. This delusional woman is just an obstacle to step over. Every worthwhile cause meets opposition.

[readmoreoften]

67. I really can't thank you enough.

Your posts have gotten me through the past couple of days. I feel very lonely about all this right now. I can't seem to get it together. I've had a really hard time making friends at the university I work at. I have some acquaintances, but those relationships are strained and silenced to the breaking point right now.

I'm meeting new people at the union, but few are in the precarious position that I'm in. Most are striking in a department that is pro-strike, while there is a fair possibility I will be fired. I am meeting new people at the union, but I'm certain that they will cut me off if I decide to meet with students off campus before the end of the semester.

My boss is going to scab my classes-- and that means I can't avoid being under scrutiny. Also, while most students who choose not to cross the picket line will not be failed for absences, if my boss is taking over my classes, he might fail my kids for refusing to cross the picket line because he is administration. I don't know if he will, but I don't know if he won't either.

I feel terribly awful and alone. My girlfriend is telling me to quit my job. If I quit, I'm personally in about $15,000 in debt from a degree program I'll either have to quit or go $20,000 further into debt to stay in. (Don't worry, I'm 30,000 in debt from other degrees too.)

Guilt is eating me up in every direction. I feel sick all the time. I have a feeling that this fight won't be over quickly.

Thanks for your support. Honestly, other than a few friends of mine and my partner, I've got nowhere else to vent. I'm at my wits end really. Living under the * Administration. Being a big homo. Being a former sex worker (this is the first 'real' job I've had). It seems like its tough times for almost all of us too. All I can do is keep holding on and hope that I'll be able to get back to my job and get back to my own academic work.

For some reason, in times like these, I can really feel the dankness of living in the New American Century.