|
LOS ANGELES, CA: Conservative Columnist Ann Coulter erupted in flames Tuesday evening while filming an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher according to her publicist, Beelzebub, Lord of Flies. The mailrooms at the White House and Fox News were flooded with condolences as conservatives all over the world reacted to the news.
Hours after the incident, a visibly shaken Bill Maher discussed the incident for reporters outside the HBO production studio where the show was filmed.
“It was horrible what I had to witness,” sobbed Maher. “No one should ever have to suffer like that. I mean, a human being can only withstand so much torture. Fortunately it stopped when Ann went up like a bonfire.”
Maher recalled that, shortly after she started angrily berating the liberals at her syndicate for censoring her usage of the term “dirty nigger”, Coulter’s hair started smoking then ignited, shooting flames several feet into the air. The studio was quickly evacuated while firefighters were called in to contain the blaze. Forensic investigators have already issued a preliminary report estimating that the intense hatred boiling under Coulter’s skin coupled with the hot studio lights and flammable hairspray she was wearing may have created ideal conditions for combustion.
After the fire department doused the fire, Coulter’s remains were escorted by a Secret Service Honor Guard to the Los Angeles Coroner’s Office, where officials stated it would be several weeks before the full results of an autopsy would be available. However, after a cursory examination, the Chief Medical Examiner did confirm that the only parts of Coulter’s body not completely incinerated were her mouth and chin.
“Apparently, they were so damp from all the spittle she spewed while raving against Native Americans earlier in the day, the fire could not engulf them,” said Coroner Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran. “Interestingly enough, even though there was not enough of her central nervous system remaining to normally allow for speech, Ms. Coulter’s mouth shouted at me several times to get my ‘damned dirty Arab hands’ off her.”
Once the Coroner’s office has released her body for burial, Coulter will be interred in a temporary gravesite overlooking the Ronald Reagan Memorial Park, until the Senator Joe McCarthy Memorial in Wisconsin is completed. The memorial, for which Coulter was the chief spiritual and financial contributor, will consist of an imposing twenty-five foot tall marble statue of the late Senator sitting on a solid gold pedestal, the base of which will serve as a mausoleum for the Senator’s body. Coulter’s remains will be stored in a small statue of a dog which will rest prominently on the Senator’s lap. In honor of her years spent as a lawyer crusading against injustices suffered by the elite, the nameplate on the dog’s collar will read “Demum perturbatrix et mutus”.
Meanwhile, Coulter’s soul has already made the trip down the River Styx and is seated at Satan’s right hand side, usurping that place of honor from Adolf Hitler who, in Ann’s own words, did not go far enough in ridding Germany of liberals while he was alive.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(363 posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
