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Last Spin Standing
By Nancy Greggs
As desperation tightens its hold on the GOP in the few weeks remaining before the elections, the Republicans and the Bush supporters will be attempting to un-do some of the PR damage they have experienced recently and in the past. So watch for the following press releases:
A White House spokesperson announced today that over 600,000 Iraqis have died as a result of the chaos that resulted when over a half million citizens rushed the local stores to purchase sweets and flowers to shower their liberators. Additional casualties were attributed to a combination of fresh paint and sawdust fumes resulting from the building of thousands of new schools and hospitals throughout the country.
In a rare candid interview this morning, Dennis Hastert revealed that Mark Foley was not a closet gay after all, but simply a closet Democrat. “In an attempt to ‘fit in’ with his Liberal friends, Foley was driven to alcohol abuse and predatory behavior,” said Hastert. “Had he stayed true to his GOP roots, this tragedy never would have happened.”
While guesting on Larry King Live last evening, Reverend Jerry Falwell explained that the terms “nut-jobs” and “whackos” are actually Biblical references meaning “the faithful” and “God’s children”, scoffing at the idea that this administration was being derogatory when using those words to describe Christian Fundamentalists. “You know, some people will believe anything,” laughed Falwell.
Senator Bill Frist has clarified his remarks of a few weeks ago, having suggested that the Taliban should be invited into the government of Afghanistan. “Having since seen a ten-minute videotape of several Taliban leaders, I have now concluded unequivocally that they are all brain-dead with no hope of recovery.”
In a related story, Frist remained steadfast in his claim that there was nothing untoward in his stock dealings via a ‘blind trust’ currently being investigated by the SEC. The presidential hopeful has offered to produce the seeing-eye dog who oversaw the funds for an under-oath deposition, should it be necessary.
The Administration adamantly denies current rumors that a mortar attack on a cache of ammunition in Baghdad’s Green Zone was the result of a strategic move by an ever-strengthening insurgency. “It was just a premature fireworks display celebrating Victory in Iraq,” said Donald Rumsfeld, assuring the public that the newly appropriated dollars earmarked for the upcoming festivities funded the gala event. “It’s like that money was just burning a hole in their pocket,” the Secretary of Defense stated, amusing the press with his witty pun.
FOX News has issued a press release stating that their continuous mis-identification of disgraced GOPers as Democrats was simply an attempt to live up to their motto of being Fair & Balanced. “We tend to focus on Republican achievements, and have really given the Democrats short shrift,” said Bill O’Reilly on his once-popular show. “This was just our way of giving them an equal amount of well-deserved publicity.”
After years of accusations that the White House was ‘hiding’ flag-draped caskets from public view in order to lessen the ill effect of increasing casualties, Condoleeza Rice stated today that sunrise memorial ceremonies had been planned for the return of soldiers’ remains all along, but went unattended due to scheduling mix-ups. “No one could have possibly foreseen that the sun would rise in the east each morning,” she stated apologetically.
In response to a recently-released news story relating to the outsourcing of ten million jobs to India over the next decade, President Bush assured the public that these are menial, low-level jobs that “Americans don’t want to do”, such as laundry services, lawn-care, and fast-food delivery. He added that the “one hour delivery” guarantee offered by many pizza outlets may have to be revised.
Alberto Gonzales reluctantly let the cat-o'-nine-tails out of the bag yesterday when he admitted that detainees at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib and secret locales around the globe were not "prisoners" but simply inductees into an elite fraternity. "The hazing phase is now complete," he proudly announced, and read off the names of thousands of new members of the Plight Club. Gonzales refused to answer reporters' questions, simply stating, "What happens in Plight Club stays in Plight Club."
On the heels of Senator Orrin Hatch’s recent statement that Republican representatives had been less than aggressive in pursuing the recent Foley scandal because they did not want to be seen as “anti-gay”, Karl Rove stated today that the Administration did not follow-up on the many pre-9/11 warnings they had received because they did not want to be perceived as being “anti-terrorist”.
Dick Cheney, appearing on last Sunday’s MTP, reiterated to Tim Russert that he never spoke of a connection between Saddam Hussein and September 11th, never contributed to the ‘outing’ of Valerie Plame, never promoted the use of torture, never described a vote for Kerry in the 2004 election as resulting in a ‘mushroom cloud’, and was not now nor was he ever a member of the infamous PNAC group. “It’s amazing, the rumors that get circulated as fact,” said the vice president. “You know, a lot of people actually believe there was a terrorist attack on NYC during our administration,” he mused, stating that the public had been confused by a recent made-for-TV movie on the topic. “The next thing you know,” he added, “people will be saying I shot one of my dearest friends in the face.” A good laugh was had by all.
Ex-lobbyist Jack Abramoff stunned reporters last evening when he revealed that all of his bribery and money-laundering schemes were actually meant to have been proffered to Democratic party members as opposed to influential Republicans. “It was an honest mistake,” declared Abramoff, who explained that as a result of watching FOX News on a regular basis, he was totally confused as to who belonged to which party.
When asked about the failure surrounding his “Axis of Evil” rhetoric earlier in his term, George W. Bush explained to reporters that he had mis-spoke when he identified Iraq, Iran and North Korea as imminent threats to US national security. “What I meant to say was Monaco, Vatican City and the Isle of Wight,” he explained, and pointed out that none of the three had successfully pursued nuclear weapons programs on his watch.
Remember you saw it here first!
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