|
“Dems FAIL to Lose Election!”
EXCLUSIVE to DemocraticUnderground
A Post-Election Interview with Karl Rove
Reporter: Nancy Greggs
Usually a shy and humble man, GOP political strategist Karl Rove couldn’t conceal his delight last Tuesday night as he watched his party go down by inches, finally drowning in a sea of utter defeat.
Told repeatedly by politico insiders that his master plan for across-the-board losses would never work, Rove’s 50-State Loser strategy proved to be even more successful than anyone dared hope.
But to the amazement of the nay-sayers, the pudgy-but-cuddly strategist was vindicated when, according to plan, the Democrats failed to suffer any losses, and instead got stuck with BOTH the House and the Senate.
Rove, always reluctant to take credit for his genius, was quick to share the non-celebratory moment with individual candidates, who did their part to ensure complete and utter disaster.
“It started with Foley,” he said, wiping a tear from the corner of his pig-like eye. “If his behavior hadn’t been so disgustingly vile, we wouldn’t be where we are right now.” Rove also credited the contradictory statements of people like Hastert and Reynolds for ensuring the story got as much national coverage as possible.
“Those guys managed to turn a run-of-the-mill news item about Republican hypocrisy into a story about a major cover-up at the highest levels of the party. You can’t buy that kind of loyalty,” he added, “and God knows we’re known for trying as often as possible.”
Rove also singled out the efforts of George Felix Allen Jr., who managed to wrest defeat from the jaws of inadvertent victory with his boorish behavior and insufferable arrogance. Asked whether he had masterminded the now infamous ‘Macacca’ fiasco that got the ball rolling, Rove adopted his traditional aw-shucks-ma’am smile. “Even I’m not that smart.” But it is widely known among DC insiders that the Boy Genius’ fingerprints are all over the scheme that ensured the loss of the Senate for his party.
However, not all GOPers are in the Rove-Did-It-Alone camp. “It was the overall incompetence of our representatives, spread out over years,” stated one disgruntled Republican operative (who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds he might wake up dead). “Their ability to mishandle every issue shouldn’t be overlooked, along with their involvement in corruption, and an overwhelming willingness to do absolutely nothing for the betterment of their constituents and the country as a whole.”
Others gave one hundred percent of the credit for Tuesday’s crushing non-victory to none other than alleged president and party leader George W. Bush. “His failures have been truly monumental on every level,” said a staunch BushCo supporter, irate that Rove seemed to be sucking all of the oxygen out of the gloom. “The failing economy, the escalating debt, the erosion of international respect, the quagmire in Iraq – that’s what handed us our asses on election night.”
But most insiders agree that in spite of Bush’s inability to do anything right, it was Rove’s 50-State Loser plan that cinched the deal. “It was really quite a simple-minded strategy,” said the bashful, balding blow-hard. “First, make it clear we had no intentions of fulfilling our promises to the Fundies. Second, piss-off our Conservative base by expanding the government and being fiscally irresponsible. Third, and most importantly, trotting out the National Security angle while posting a how-to-make-an-A-bomb guide on the internetz.”
In an eleventh-hour attempt to ensure complete political disaster, Rove’s carefully hand-picked operatives went into action with their COC (Culture of Corruption) strategy, launching a massive campaign that included annoying robo-calls and over-the-top attack ads, specifically designed to shake off the few voters left who still thought the Republicans were honest and trustworthy.
And like magic, it worked – so well even the die-hard “we’re NOT doomed” Republicans had to concede the fact that Turdblossom really could pull a rabbit out of his ass when victory reared its ugly head.
Unfortunately, my time with Mr. Rove was all too fleeting. Never one to shirk his official responsibilities, he departed the defeat celebrations early to catch a plane to the Middle East, where he was scheduled to speak at a wrap-party for Bin Laden Productions Inc. (Known for their ‘terra, terra, all the time’ style videos, the company sadly announced its bankruptcy within moments of the GOP’s glorious demise.)
The events of November 7th beg a question that may never be answered in our lifetime: Was the complete trouncing of the Republicans part of Rove’s master scheme all along?
Well, that’s Karl’s story. And believe me, he’s sticking to it.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
