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Edited on Tue Nov-28-06 07:01 AM by neoblues
Still, I'm surprised sales weren't better. Theres two sets of Republimen. There's the married ones, with the obedient wifey; barefoot and pregnant and deluded enough to think she likes it, but with total control over the checkbook/money. Then there are the singles, unable to convince even a blow-up doll to give them it's phone number. The former can't buy anything without wifey's approval, but the latter ought to be a major customer--after all, they could hardly pass up a blow-up doll that won't say no. Considering that even the Coulter blow-up doll believes that Sex must be reserved for purposes of procreation, and despite the fact that these guys are members of the "family values" party, and even though they'll never score a better procreation partner than the doll, it doesn't sell. The only possible reason would be that they're really closet homosexuals. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a homosexual in reality, but there is in their world--and if a person can't get excited unless playing Twister with a little boy, it's definitely not acceptable. In their sense of guilt, they feel unworthy of the love of the Coulter blow-up doll--after all, she's the only woman who speaks their inner thoughts aloud, is the only doll that would have them, has those manly, umm, "good" looks; and tovercome with their sense of worthlessness, they can't get it up anyway. May as well save that $2 (the cost of the Coulter inflatable) for a single viagra--which helps them service their favorite hand.
One should note that the Coulter Inflatable Fellatio-ready Doll, is greatly enhanced to improve upon the original human-like individual. This doll has the fine feel of quality plastic, so much more pleasant than the sandpaper-like scales of Ms Ann herself. As it warms to the touch, even seems to feel more like a human than Ms Coulter--who remains ice-cold to the touch even in a steaming, 190 degree, hot jacuzzi (don't try this at home because she has been known to freeze hot tubs solid, requiring tedious extrication with ice-picks and causing costly damage to the hot tub). Unlike Ms Coulter too, this doll will actually engage in intimate contact with human beings (as opposed to?). This doll is filled with relatively harmless air, whatever Ms Coulter is filled with (and there is much speculation on what that is) is decidely toxic. Also unlike Ms Coulter, this doll doesn't talk (and in Ms Coulter's case, this is a significant improvement; though the intended customer base does get-off on Ms Coulter's "political" speech, any man who ventures into her boudoir will find her speech directed at his own "shortcomings" (and nothing short of a horse will satisfy her)(note: while it's not known if she ever engages in intimacy with men, some have been invited into her boudoir--apparently for her amusement rather than sex; warning: none of those men were ever the same afterwards--if they recovered at all (mostly, they just mutter to themselves, over and over... something about visions of Hell, Satan, Demons and a Lake of Fire).
Product Information:
If the Seal has been Broken--No Returns, No Way, No How (this should be obvious, but Republicans are an odd bunch). Democrats/Liberals/Progressives and Independents Please Note: Size Matters! The fellatio device embedded within the skull of the doll, is shallow (2 inches)(much like the mind of Ms Coulter) and small in diameter (1 inch)(unlike Ms Coulter's mouth) in order to provide a reasonable fit for Republicans/Conservatives/Right-Wingers/The Religious Right, and the NeoCons. Warning: Use of condoms is advised to avoid chance of electric shock (similar advice is given for those downgrading to the use of Ms Coulter herself, the difference being danger of severe acid burns; while she is never intimate, she constantly blows). Warning: (for Republicans and others who are mentally challenged and do not understand basic Science) The fact that this doll plugs into a 220v AC power** outlet means that if you use this doll in the bathtub, it will electrocute you; don't take a bath with it, or engage in "watersports" or you'll be sorry (in the case of the actual Ms Coulter, well substantiated rumor has it that you may need any available liquid/moisture to douse yourself once she's begun to emit flames; if you're unable to grasp our meaning, good luck with your recovery in the burn ward). **110v AC and 12v DC (requires six (6) x 12V, 100Ahr Deep Cycle Batteries) Adapter Kits available for extra fees.
Comes with a 14-day Limited Warranty from date of purchase (note: please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery). Limted Warranty: if your doll fails prior to first use while still in the original container (with seals intact) and you call to obtain your Return Authorization Number (you must mark every document, receipt, item and package with this Return Authorization Number or "RAN") at least 30 days before the failure is discovered AND you provide videotaped proof of failure demonstrating the problem and showing the product serial number tag, within 24 hours of receiving your Product Return Authorization, and sent to us via FedEx Overnight (we must receive the proof within 24 hours of your call) along with the product itself in original, unopened, undamaged container with additional packing/protection, including a copy of your driver's license (front and back), a copy of the check/money order/credit card (front and back) used to make the original purchase, email address, at least two valid phone numbers (if you have no phone or only one phone, you must provide an additional contact name, address and phone of family, friends, neighbors or coworkers such that we have two valid contact phone numbers), the original sales receipt, printed copies of all e-mailed correspondence (whether you deem them relevant or not) and all original paperwork/receipts, a copy of the current month's bank or credit card statement, and the Official Product Return Form (OPRN)(Note: this 28 page (fine print) questionnaire can be downloaded or send SASE, 16x9 Oversized Business Folder, with $6 Postage applied, c/o OPRN REQUEST to our address; Please Allow 6-8 Weeks for Delivery), signed and notarized), official fingerprint/DNA sample card--completed by a local law enforcement officer (and notarized in his presence, with his signature), plus a non-refundable U.S. Postal Money Order for $50 to cover processing and handling and/or restocking, you may be eligible for replacement of defective product. Note: the preceeding warranty shall be found null and void for any of the following conditions. 1. Your shipping address is outside the continental U.S. or you reside in any of the following states: CA, TX, NY, FL, IL, PA, OH, MI, GA, NJ, NC, VA, MA, WA, IA, TN, AZ, MI, MA, WI, MN, CO, AL, LA, SC, KY, OR, CN, IA, MI, AR, KS... (any resemblance between this list and the list of states by order of population is purely coincidental), 2. Any required documentation, samples, material found missing, incomplete or questionable in any way, 3. Any expected date or time requirement/schedule/deadline is missed or passed (even if such deadline/requirment was not documented or expressed), 4. If your name or address does not match exactly in every place (including commas, middle name or initials, address abbreviations, etc), 5. Any variance in your signature between any items submitted, 6. Any apparent alterations on submitted forms, 7. Any damage, disfigurement, broken seals or signs of usage of the product or package, 8. Insufficient postage or postage due, 9. If the RAN is not found to be present, legible and correctly marked on every document, receipt, package and item sent to us. Note: Weekends and Holidays are counted in figuring deadlines; deadlines are figured, using 24 hour days and calculated to the very second of the original purchase date/time.
Note: Seals will be examined with a scanning electron microscope, so if you've opened the product, we don't mind if you send it back, postage paid with the non-refundable $50 fee, but don't be surprised when your replacement product is not forthcoming.
Note: Should we find you ineligible for coverage under the terms of the Limited Warranty, we will not contact or otherwise notify you in any way; you should assume your claim has been denied, so unless you wish to contest this decision, please do not attempt to contact us.
Appeals: If you wish to appeal a denied claim, please wait a minimum of 3 months, then please call for an Official Appeal Identification Number (OAIN), download (or send SASE, 16x9 Oversized Business Folder, with $6 Postage applied, c/o OADF REQUEST to our address; Please Allow 6-8 Weeks for Delivery), print (if applicable), complete and send us the Official Appeal Deposition Form (OADF), properly notarized, via registered mail with a $200 U.S. Postal Money Order to cover appeal processing. Note: In the interest of Customer Satisfaction, there is a good chance that we will find in your favor should you appeal your case--even if there is sufficient cause to deny it; after all, you care enough to use our products and are sincerely trying to resolve this matter... (besides, our product costs $2 to make in China, and that includes having it shipped to our warehouses in the U.S., so it's okay, we don't mind)(ps, that last bit isn't actually included in the product packaging or warranty documentation (unless we've written it using an 296 bit encrpyted form of a Navajo translation of an obscure chinese dialect and stated in pig-latin, printed by a laser printer with no toner and covered by a non-removable lead-impregnated opaque plastic sticker).
Sales/Marketing Phrases for Targeting Republicans (Especially Congressmen):
Patriotic Fathers, Start Your Son's Out Right, Make Them REAL MEN... Do Like Our Wise Ex-President George Herbert Walker did with His Own Son--Our Appointed President--and Buy Them an Official Coulter Doll. Maybe They'll Grow Up To Be Like Him! (having been provided the ultimate in instant gratification)
Don't Let Your Sons Grow Up to Be Enlightened--Teach Them To Use Women Right--A Coulter Doll is Just Three Payments of $29.95 Fine Print: Do Your Patriotic Duty, Support The Free Market (which is a truly great Great American Invention!); actual cost $2).
**removed remainder; went too far for publication--even if they were representative of my opinion of Republicans**
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