We'd Better Have Sex The Way Rev. Moon Entreats us, or Forfeit "Our Love Organs" To The Dark Lord

[babsbunny]

http://www.alternet.org/story/34072

Rev. Moon's Conjugal Visitations

By John Gorenfeld, AlterNet. Posted April 17, 2006.

We all know the religious Right wants to tell us what we can't do in the bedroom, but no one asks what they want us to do instead.

Among the trendier gripes about why liberals lack power in American politics is that there isn't enough tolerance for America's faithful. A big problem, Rabbi Michael Lerner recently sighed, is that "the Left's hostility to religion and spirituality has become such a major stumbling block to the chances that progressive forces will ever win enough power" to make a difference. So the new advice, from Hillary Clinton to the New Republic's Gregg Easterbrook, is: Stop making snickering remarks at Jerry Falwell's expense. Cheer the innovation of $2 billion in federal tax money carted off to religious groups last year. Drag the "Left Behind" series into your Amazon shopping cart.

And listen, I should add, to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, owner of the conservative mouthpiece the Washington Times and self-proclaimed Messiah. Moon's warning to America is that we must have sex the way he entreats us, in the positions he has designated, or else forfeit our "love organs," as he dubs them, to the dark lord Satan.

[derby378]

1. WTF?!? "After the act of love..."

"After the act of love," read the instructions from the Rev. Moon's conservative Family Federation, "both spouses should wipe their sexual areas with the Holy Handkerchief. Hang the handkerchief{s} to dry naturally and keep them eternally. They must be kept individually labeled and should never be laundered and mixed up."

:rofl:

[Heidi]

2. Never laundered?

Maybe I'm a prude, but :puke:

[Cooley Hurd]

4. Can one substitiute Holy Kleenex in leiu of a hankerchief?

:D

[derby378]

10. No way, Jose - Moon don't make no profit off of Kleenex

Sounds like someone's in need of another "Indemnity Stick Ceremony!" :rofl:

[hobbit709]

12. "the Holy Handkerchief"

Why are images of "The Life Of Brian" flashing through my head.:rofl: :rofl:

[MADem]

14. Holy handkerchief, eh? How about hole-y handkerchief, after the bugs start feeding on that shit!!

That is just....well....FUNKY.

And not GOOD funky, either!!!!!

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

3. Here we go again

It is one thing to not like religion or spirituality and quite another to vocally oppose it and take some of the worst examples of things done in the name of religion and spirituality and extrapolate that "all" do it this way.

Personally, my theory is that humankind tends to do things first and look for excuses and justifications later. If it weren't religion, it would be something else, like a political ideology. Look at the terrible things Stalin did in the Soviet Union-not in the name of God but in the name of the Communist Revolution. Same type of bad things, just using communisim instead of religion as an excuse.

All that being said, I am staunchly and firmly of the opinion that NO government money should go to ANY religious institution. To imply that one can only support faith by doing so is another false argument. Our elected officials don't pledge to support anything except the Constitution--and that is fine with me and, I daresay, the majority of people of faith.

[MADem]

15. I agree with the wall between tax money and religious entities. Anything else is

just "Ye olde slippery slope," IMO.

[Bjornsdotter]

5. Voldemort wants our naughty bits? n/t

[TheLeftyMom]

16. I went right to Voldemort too, glad I'm not the only one.

n/t

[Bjornsdotter]

20. Same here...

...glad I wasn't the only one. It was the first thing I thought of when I saw the OP.

Cheers

[Nite Owl]

6. This isn't religion

it's idolatry and insanity, It's a cult.

[aquart]

7. Uh huh. And "holy handkerchiefs" cost how much?

Nice profit center there, Rev.

[babsbunny]

8. I knew you guys would crack me up!

:rofl: I needed to laugh today!

[derby378]

9. OMG - check this out

Procedure of the 3-Day Ceremony

1. Preparation

A. Selection of the place

Select as holy a place as possible. For example, one might use a Unification Church center, a house which belongs to a member, the house of physical parents if they have accepted the Principle, or some other place with a good spiritual atmosphere.
B. You must have

Holy Handkerchief
Holy Salt
Holy Gown (clothes)
2 Basins or bowls
Picture of True Parents
Optional:

2 cushions to designate the places of True Parents
Shim Jung candle
C. Holy Salting

The room must be sanctified. To do so, begin with a prayer offered something like the following:
"We are going to carry out the 3-day ceremony in this room. Please sanctify this room so that this place may become a holy place."

Continue with a prayer of gratitude, etc., then....

"In order that Satan cannot invade this room, we sanctify it in the names of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, our True Parents and (your name)."

The room and the bathroom should be Holy Salted:

(1) Stand in the center of the room. Pray briefly as above.

(2) Remain standing in the same spot.

(3) Sprinkle Holy Salt three times in a northerly direction. Then sprinkle Holy Salt three times in a southerly direction. Then sprinkle Holy Salt three times in an easterly direction. Then sprinkle Holy Salt three times in a westerly direction.

(4) Sanctify all other things used in the ceremony, such as the bed, bed sheets, pillows, etc.

http://divineprinciple.com/3_day_ceremony.html

[Withywindle]

13. Incidentally, the sprinkling of salt in the four directions...

...is also often used in Wiccan ceremonies. (The salt is usually mixed with water in that case to signify the union of the elements of earth and water.) I wonder if the Reverend Moon knows this. Funny, I'm sure he considers our gods to be demons, and yet the salt doesn't keep them out when we use it.

[juno jones]

21. Personally I was thinking something a little darker

The Funky Handkerchief thing smacks of sex magick. And his positions and meditation while having sex and keep the excretia indefinetly on a 'sacred' item...and the salt and all...whew. And people think Crowley was bad! That just creeped me out....

[Withywindle]

27. I think some branches of Thelema do use bodily fluids

I don't know about hanging on to them indefinitely, though. Cause that's just gross.

Spew what thou swilt shall be the whole of the law.

[derby378]

22. I'm fairly certain Wiccans don't use Holy Handkerchiefs, though

The salt thing I halfway understand - salt has been used in religious rituals for at least a couple thousand years as a purifying agent. But trying to get a "chubby" while staring at a picture of Moon's wife - well, I find that perversely fascinating from a strictly psycho-sociological perspective. Otherwise, ewwww.

[juno jones]

23. No, not wiccans

I was thinking more in terms of magick in a ceremonial sense. Pagan witch myself, I know wiccans have nothing to do with Moon, just noting Moon's technique. And yeah, yer right, ewwwww.

[Canuckistanian]

26. Sounds similar to preparations for Sumo wrestling match

C. The Wrestling Match

After entering the ring each wrestler goes through a series of symbolic movements. He symbolically rinses his mouth with water and wipes his body with a paper towel. Each wrestler also scatters a handful of salt to purify the ring. This is supposed to ensure him against injuries.

The wrestlers then squat and face each other in the center of the ring, crouch forward in a "get set" position supporting themselves with their fists on the ground and proceed to glare fiercely (give mean looks) at each other. They do not begin the match at once, however, but engage in a kind of "cold war". They go back to their corners for more salt, scatter it and return to glare. They repeat the process again and again, usually for a few minutes allowed by the rules.

Then the wrestlers charge to meet in the center of the ring. The match is usually over in a matter of minutes when one of the wrestlers has been pushed out of the ring or thrown to the ground.

The conclusion of the day is the "bow dance" by one of the victorious wrestlers.

http://www.sfusd.k12.ca.us/schwww/sch618/japan/MartialArts/Japanese_Martial_Arts.html

Remarkably similar.

[saltpoint]

11. That Reverend Moon sure has an odd way of putting things. n/t

[Pyrzqxgl]

17. I WONDER IF HE WORKS THE COMEDY CLUB CIRCUIT, THIS STUFFS FUNNY.

[saltpoint]

18. LOL! It is. It's hilarious. This guy is off the charts.

As Joni Mitchell's song goes, "Hoobie-shoobie. Flip City."

[madmom]

19. and to think the bfee is tight with this weirdo...n/t

[Forkboy]

24. I did that already.

:shrug:

[MLFerrell]

25. Well, "reverend"...

I promise you cordially that I am going to fuck my girlfriend right in the ASS tomorrow.

She likes it. I like it.

And I'd LOVE to see you fucks try to stop me. Yep. I'm going to ejaculate right in her anus and defy your profane "god's" wishes.

And there ain't a fucking THING that you can do to stop me.

Man, at times like these, I love being on the right side of history. Because it's been demonstrated, time and time again, that these medieval throwbacks to the "good ol' days" (that never existed in the first place) are demonstrably incorrect about virtually everything.

So, in defiant celebration, I choose to anally sodomize my girlfriend, with her consent. Perhaps I could take a few tips from this "dark lord" of which you speak. Maybe he has some new positions or some shit... But I gotta say, I can think of nobody more profane than the likes of the ignoble Moon.

[derby378]

28. Now, your girlfriend might think that's a little too much information...

...but I'd have to agree that you're on the right side of history, too.