How To Lose An Election (Without Really Trying)

[NanceGreggs]

If you’ve ever doubted the fact that a Republican won’t be sworn-in as the next president, a quick perusal of their respective agendas should remove all doubt:

Rudy Giuliani

First order of business: Determine the most likely targets for a terrorist attack, then have all of the country’s defense command centers relocated to those sites.

International agenda: n/a at this time (As soon as he figures out where all of those other countries he’s heard about are located, who’s runnin’ them and whatnot, he will have more to say on the topic.)

Create New Cabinet Position: Official Pilot for Air Force One-B, which will be used solely for the purpose of flying Judy’s Louis Vuitton bag from one place to another.

Bad News: Will rename NYC Giuliani City landmarks, i.e. Giuliani Twin Towers, the Giuliani Empire State Building, Giuliani Times Square, in recognition of his own humility and heroism.

Good News: Brand-new First Lady every year!


John McCain

First order of business: Task the country’s leading scientists with finding a way to turn back time – back to an era when people actually respected him.

International agenda: Re-institute the draft and declare war on Vietnam, because this time he’s gonna win it.

Create New Official Department: Department of Propaganda Straight-Talk

Bad News: Will publicly disown his own daughter because she’s a half-black love-child born of an illicit, adulterous union.

Good News: Will be impeached after finally admitting that his daughter is a half-black love-child born of an illicit, adulterous union.


Mike Huckabee

First Order of Business: Praise the Lord, then retire to newly-built White House 'Prayer Closet' for the next four years.

International agenda: Erect a fence around the perimeter of the earth so that no one falls off the edge.

Create New Department: Department of Rapture-Readiness

Bad News: Will be even more fiscally irresponsible than Bush administration.

Good News: Thanks to the Bush administration, there’s no money left to be irresponsible with.


Fred Thompson

First Order of Business: Take a nap after scheduling first vacation.

International agenda: Dazzle recalcitrant nations’ leaders into hypnotic submission by being accompanied everywhere by his grand-daughter’s wife’s cleavage.

Create New Cabinet Position: Official President-Waker-Upper

Bad News: Will fully prosecute the Mexicans who caused financial catastrophe by getting mortgages from astute lenders who were confused by their poor English.

Good News: Won’t start wars or invade any countries because being a wartime president requires being awake more than two hours a day.


Mitt Romney

First Order of Business: Check mirror and ensure that he has that presidential look.

International agenda: Promote international travel and boost tourism with easily-affordable “strapped to the roof of the plane” seats.

Create New Cabinet Position: Official Presidential Stylist

Bad News: Will tithe ten percent of all tax revenues to the Church of LDS.

Good News: Tax rebates for all citizens on purchases of hairspray, mousse, tanning lotions, teeth-whiteners, and Magic Underwear.


Looks like the GOP has finally done it - offered a list of candidates that even Republican voters are too smart to vote for.

[JeffR]

1. Yet again, Keyes is tragically overlooked

as is Hunter. These guys have spent their entire lives working hard, perfecting themselves, reaching, yearning for the coveted title "Biggest Asshat In the Known Universe" and yet they get nary a mention on DU. Or, come to think of it, anywhere else. Why, why??:cry:

[NanceGreggs]

2. Don't worry, JeffR ...

... their time will come. There's always room on future GOP tickets for complete assholes - always.

[JeffR]

3. Well... OK... I guess...

*sniff* There, I feel better now.

[DFW]

6. This is what comes from having Tancredo bear your standard

If Keyes, Hunter or Tancredo even knew what DU was, they'd probably sue for affirmation of character....

[JeffR]

8. !

:rofl:

[Sparkly]

10. Can I try one for Keyes?

First order of business: Institute new "undo-history savings time," requiring all calendars to be set back to 1808.

International agenda: Summit of world leaders to find out whether his insufferable droning works any better in other languages.

Create New Official Department: Department of Presidential Medications

Bad News: The United States is set back from two centuries of progress.

Good News: Women economize by forgoing Manolo Blahniks for barefoot maternal kitchen duties.

[NanceGreggs]

12. Excellent addition!

Thanks!

:hi:

[Sparkly]

13. You are way too kind...

:blush:

[The Wizard]

22. I know Alan Keys.

Alan Keys is a friend of mine. Ugh, not really. I make it a point to avoid crazy people.

[Sparkly]

4. Hilarious!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Mythsaje]

5. Amazingly bad field of candidates, isn't it?

As I've said before, our candidate would have to be a complete loser get KOed by any one of these wingnuts.

[NanceGreggs]

7. If any one of these dicks were declared the winner ...

... the Republicans would be the first to demand a recount.

[DFW]

9. For the musical themes of Giuliani, Huckabee, and McCain, check this out:

http://myspace.com/thefreedomtoast

the songs also include Barack the Knife as well as links to a video synopsis of the "debates."


All Huckabee fans sing along, now.......
"Come on, baby, don't teach evolution......"

[RoadRage]

11. C'mon.. Ron Paul me!

I'd do it myself.. but frankly, i'm not crafty enough at this late hour with no caffine... i know someone will pull through for me!

[unpossibles]

19. Ron Paul

First order of business: Return America to the glory days of 1850, where free (white) men (only - except the Irish) had the power to enjoy America without paying a cent.

International agenda: Finally get revenge on The Union for its War of Northern Aggression. Slavery is bad, but that should be left up to the States to decide if they are racist need them for their economy. After Impeaching Lincoln, no international agenda is needed or accepted.

Create New Cabinet Position: Secretary of Home Schooling to replace the Department of Education for three times the pay and lesser quality work that seems higher due to throwing out the bad data. Also, Secretary of Child Labor to handle all the working kids who can't afford education.

Bad News: A lot of people think he's serious somehow.

Good News: Not that many really do.

[Yael]

14. Nancy, this is a work of art

:rofl:

[emanymton]

15. Go Ahead And Laugh. ... But Who Counts The Vote?

.
I love a good laugh. It is amazing to see the list of candidates being upchucked by the other party. Their stances on issues have always been wide. Their positions can hardly be seen as normal.

Having said this, I cannot help but get a queasy feeling. Remember shrub was foisted onto the people by a system of voting that is flawed, to say the least. Was it Stalin who said, "He who votes decides nothing; he who counts the votes decides everything."?

Laugh, but watch the cash register.


FYI -

Love your work!
.

[tavalon]

16. Just tonight I was talking with a friend who was fretting about who was going to be the Republic nom

I told him not to worry because every single Republic candidate has holes big enough to drive a Mack truck through. The question isn't whether a Democrat will win, but which one.

[Perry Logan]

17. We could run a dog in 2008 and still win. We could run a baked potato.

[rasputin1952]

20. The R's are already running a baked potato...

Thompson...just about as ambitious as one too.

[D23MIURG23]

18. The bad news is that you could write an even more biting one for chimp.

n/t

[Jackpine Radical]

21. What can I say, Nance? You've outdone yourself with this one.

Beautiful, beautiful.

[Sam Ervin jret]

23. I hope you are not underestimating the "dumbness" of the republican voters

They did vote for BUSH - TWICE !! That scares me still.

[pokercat999]

24. You're wrong Nance.

Great tongue in cheek post, I'm still laughing however you are wrong about one thing.

"Looks like the GOP has finally done it - offered a list of candidates that even Republican voters are too smart to vote for."

A huge number of Americans are too stupid to "get out of the rain", let alone give some thought to their vote.