Look, my friends, here's the real dope:

[hisownpetard]

They've taken the laces out of my shoes and won't allow me to wear a belt.
Things don't look so great right now.
I kissed Bush's butt, and all I got for it was this lousy t-shirt with some nasty brown stains down the front.
I've tried everything: lying, twisting the facts, ignoring the facts, making up my own facts, torquing the facts and stretching the facts thin as taffy.
Nothing worked.

So now I am forced, through no fault of my own, to attempt a feat no Republican has ever successfully completed before:
I'm going to tell the truth.

I'm old, ok? Not that there aren't a whole sh*tload of people my age who are viable, energetic and productive. Tons o' them.
But I'm not one of them. Get it? It's not you: it's me.
I've been around the block at time or two. And there were 5 1/2 years of my life when I COULDN'T go around the block
at all, if you catch my drift.

I'm not tall and elegant - I'm short, stocky and walk like Frankenstein.
I don't have a killer smile - unless you like kernel corn.
I am not an eloquent, articulate, flawless and inspiring speaker - I'm a stuttering, sneering, nasal annoyance.
I don't naturally like people or value them for their uniqueness - if you're not like me, you ain't worth a piece of dried-out stool.

I picked Sarah Palin because she wears high heels and has a pulse. Cindy has electronic fencing installed around her and put
the electrode in my left cheek.

I don't melt when I see my kids or my wife - to be frank, we haven't so much as grazed elbows since the 90's.

I don't know how to win a war.
I don't know how to fix the economy.
I don't know how to fix Social Security or Medicare.
I don't have a clue how to catch bin Laden.

I don't have any core beliefs of my own. I am an empty vessel whose only goal is to sail the Potomac up to my private dock,
get off without getting my orthopedic Docksiders wet and be carried in a rickshaw up the front steps of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Ya don't like it? Sue me!
And, now that I'm being honest, lemme also tell you this:
after November 4th, you couldn't get me to say "My Friends" for a million bucks.
Makes me wanna puke every time I hear it come out of my mouth.

There. I'm starting to feel better already...

[NYC_SKP]

1. I like it. K&R. nt

[hisownpetard]

4. Thanks, NYC_SKP.

:hi:

[BeFree]

2. And..

...I talk with emotion. Who can say no to a begging Grandpa? Only cold hearted libs.

[hisownpetard]

5. Yup yup!

[Mira]

3. Warms my heart

[hisownpetard]

6. Like a mug of warm cider...

:hi:

[Curtland1015]

7. no, HERE'S the dope...

[hisownpetard]

10. I think I've seen his picture on Match.com...

[ZeitGuy]

8. I'm getting a little misty...

Is that wrong?

;)

[hisownpetard]

9. No, Zeitguy - the heart wants what the heart wants. (Or something like that).

:hi:

[burythehatchet]

11. Thanks for giving me a little straight talk.

[hisownpetard]

12. Shut up, ya little jerk!! (Oh, sorry - I forgot to get out of character!)

:hi:

[grantcart]

13. I have 5 bucks that he is going to say "whippersnapper" at the debate lol

great piece

[hisownpetard]

16. Thanks, you little whipper-snapper, you!

:hi:

[NJGeek]

14. in what respect, charlie?

[hisownpetard]

17. Like in the Iraq and South Africa such as!

[jhain]

15. Can we get the Mc Same Campaign

do do this as a blast email??

[hisownpetard]

18. I think, actually, if McCain made a single true statement, his teeth would jump out of his mouth.

:hi:

Like candy-corn for Halloween.
(Ewww).

[ihavenobias]

19. Yep

:)

[hisownpetard]

20. ...

:hi: