Let's fix Dubya's official bio

[jmowreader]

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. He was sworn into office January 20, 2001, after losing the election and being installed into the White House by five Supreme Court justices--all of whom had been appointed by either Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan or his father. He served for six years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where his reign was highlighted by the institution of unaffordable tax cuts which bankrupted the state and by his executing so many prisoners he was put into the Guinness Book of World Records for it.

President Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in Connecticut. His father was a carpetbagger who moved the family to Texas to take advantage of the post-World War II oil rush. He graduated from Yale with a solid C average in 1968, then cheated his way into the Texas Air National Guard with a test score that was one point above the minimum needed for admission. He was given a direct commission into the Guard even though his only qualification for such an honor was that he was the son of a congressman. In 1972, Bush deserted from the Guard to work on Winston Blount's campaign for the United States Senate. Blount was soundly defeated because he was a damn fool. Bush was rejected by the University of Texas school of law and attended Harvard Business School as a legacy admission. After graduating from Harvard in 1975, he took his MBA back to Texas and promptly ran three oil companies into the ground. The third oil company, Harken, was financed by the Bank of Credit and Commerce International, which was quite possibly the most corrupt bank in history, and the Nugan Hand Bank, a major player in the financing of the CIA's illegal black operations. In 1988, he helped create the "Willie Horton" ad that tied Democratic presidential candidate Michael Dukakis to an African-American prisoner who, while on a Dukakis-signed furlough, raped a woman. He then bought into the Texas Rangers.

As managing general partner of the Texas Rangers, Bush used a number of eminent domain abuses and bond issues to seize land at below its market value, construct a majestic stadium for a baseball team that is so bad they have to bribe people to attend games, raise taxes on the citizens of Arlington to pay for its construction, then take control of it for free. He used dirty campaign tricks to get and remain elected to the office of governor of Texas, a post which is only slightly more powerful than the one held by William J. LePetomane in Mel Brooks' "Blazing Saddles."

Since taking office, President Bush has attempted to defund our public schools, created a climate of suspicion in the United States, lowered taxes for anyone who can afford to donate $100,000 to the Republican Party, cut military benefits, has proposed turning Social Security over to Arthur Andersen, created a Medicare prescription benefit which will cost seniors $3200 per year for their needed medications, started two wars, eliminated about a million jobs in the private sector, watched over the largest expansion of the federal government in our nation's history, sent soldiers into battle in the desert without body armor, water, or the proper equipment, revealed the identity of a CIA covert agent, and bankrupted all fifty states. On the positive side, he has made great additions to our spoken language such as "misunderestimated" and "peeance freeance."

On September 11, 2001, Our Great President had scheduled a photo opportunity that wasn't meaningless so stop saying that at an elementary school in Florida. Before the president had left his hotel, four airplanes had been hijacked by Alkaheeda. Before he had entered his limousine, one plane had slammed into the World Trade Center. At the school, Our Fearless Leader who isn't a drunken stewbum so stop saying that was informed that a second plane had attacked the World Trade Center. Our Great President's keen sense of emergency informed him that the best thing to do for America would be to pick the goat book back up and finish the story, because we know that public school students haven't been able to read since those damn liberals made us stop using the Bible as a textbook in our floundering government schools where they won't let patriotic Americans who were wounded in Grenada by friendly fire teach and I think it's because they don't let cats into schools. Anyway, Our Great President flew all over the country like some kind of pussy and let Mr. Bill Clinton, whose fault it all was because he got a blowjob instead of attacking Iraq like the good patriotic Americans at PNAC told him to, beat him into New York City. He got on top of all those dead bodies buried under the rubble and swore he'd get Osama dead or alive. Then he lost interest in Osama when he couldn't find the son-of-a-bitch and attacked Iraq because we knew he had weapons of mass destruction, and it's not just because we had the receipts so stop saying that. So far, over 1,000 American servicemembers have died to find the weapons of mass destruction, which we're going to find any day now just as soon as we can find someone stupid enough to paint "Weapon of Mass Destruction - Really Made In Iraq So Stop Saying That" on the side of all those leaky nerve gas shells we have sitting in the bunker on Johnston Atoll.

President Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, who committed an act of vehicular homicide while in high school. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, who have been arrested four times for underage drinking. The Bush family also includes Samuel Prescott Bush, who created the military-industrial complex; Prescott Bush and George Herbert Walker, whose Union Bank was seized by the United States government in 1942 for financing the Third Reich and building the Auschwitz concentration camp; George Herbert Walker Bush, who as Ronald Reagan's vice president was instrumental in selling biological and chemical weapons to the Republic of Iraq; and Neil Bush, whose Silverado Savings and Loan cost the American taxpayer over a billion dollars after it defaulted in the savings and loan scandal of the 1980s.