** EMERGENCY NOTIFICATION ** DUers, you have used up your alotted quota of the word "fuck" for 2009.

Bucky

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri May-29-09 12:41 PM
Original message

** EMERGENCY NOTIFICATION ** DUers, you have used up your alotted quota of the word "fuck" for 2009.

As many of you know, in order to cut down on electron pollution contributing to the greenhouse gasses that accellerate global warming, Congress last year established strict (albeit voluntary) quotas on the use of the word "fuck" and all its varients, hoping to reduce the total number of non-critical electronic words expended on the internet by each website.

This action was based on an estimate issued by the German chapter of the Union of Concerned Scientists in the semenal 2006 study, "Ver Der Fücken Schlossen," which found that the total number of extraneous uses of the word fuck on the World Wide Web ("Das Cyberbaun") consumed enough electrical energy to power seven thousand orphanages in the Third World. That's right, every time you say "fuck," it's like you're forcing an orphan in Uruguay to shiver through the cold winter night. You had to choose between learning a new emphasizer word and fuckity-fuck-fucking, and most of you chose to fucking indulge yourselves.

And now, based on our 2009 quota, DUers are all used the fuck up.

Overindulgence in the word fuck has accellerated on this website. I would think that last year's emergency rationing would have taught us a lesson about ignoring our fuck quota. Who here doesn't recall the near disaster when, five weeks before the presidential election, we all had to start referring to John McCain as "that frak-faced neocon enabler"? How many votes did it cost the Obama-Biden ticket because we could only inform lurkers here that Dick Cheney had "messed up the Constitution"? That hardly panicked any swing voters at all! And worst of all, how many fucks did Sarah Palin deserve only to be denied the sound fucking she was due... because we finished our fucks up before fucking Labor Day?

Yet, rather than curtailing our wasteful abuse of internet electrons this year, we've fucked ourselves out by late May. And I remind you that based on DU's 2004 usage patterns, we as an online community were licenced to type out over 4.2 million fucks, or an average 30,000 fucks per registered user this year. Cursing our way through our entire fucking quota before even the halfway mark in the calendar year is just embarrassing. Because some of us couldn't control their fucking, the rest of us will be forced to develop a decent vocubulary. Remember that next time you're forced to insist that all DUers "notify Congress right farting now." Doesn't seem so urgent anymore, does it? What terrible laws will the Blue Dog-DLC-GOP working majority pass because we couldn't rally enough email petititions "right fucking now" instead?

But the greatest tragedy in all this fuck is the continued devaluation of fuck itself. Our ears and eyes are practically callused from all the concentrated fucking around here. Used to be, we could issue disdain for matters by "not caring" and savoring those moments of heightened unconcern for "not giving a damn." Soon people started "not giving a damn" about a lot of things and truly important apathy required "not giving a fuck." Nowadays most people don't give a fuck about anything that's even slightly unimportant. Now, if our fucks are already not given out up, what will we not give now when something we genuinely don't care about comes along?

And all this, because we collectively couldn't shut the fucks up already.

As I told my now-ex wife once, we really ought to conserve our fucks. It's the socially responsible thing to do. Let "Save the Fucks" be our motto. If we allow fucking to go unchecked across our flamewars, we only abuse the internet and overheat the loving Gaia upon which we all depend for life. Too much fucking could melt the polar ice caps and end up getting our coastal cities all wet. But if we fuck right... if we fuck responsibly... we can save the world so that future generations can fuck as we once fucked.

Please, fuck with moderation, DUers. Think of the children.