|
"Zombie Revelation"
There was, a long time ago, this dark-skinned Middle-Eastern Rastafarian guy who could do magic. He used to wander through the land with his twelve hippie followers and his ol’ lady, smoking ganja, giving away food, and curing people of various diseases. Even leprosy, which is a nasty disease that makes peoples’ private parts fall off.
He raised this guy Lazarus from the dead and made him a zombie, which, in retrospect, was probably a foreshadowing of what was eventually going to happen to him.
We don’t know if Lazarus woke up hungry for brains, but we would think so. Well, given that zombies always want brains. They don’t have many left of their own, so it only makes sense. They know they need brains, but can’t remember why, or what to do with them. Rather like members of Congress or TV studio executives today.
He made a lot of people really upset because he told them that they didn’t have to kill animals to be good with God—all they had to do was believe in him and God would forgive them for everything they did. This sounded like a pretty good deal to a lot of folks, being that it was harder than blazes to get on God’s good side. Up until then, he came across a raging bastard entirely too fond of smiting, burning, flooding, sending plagues of locusts, and turning people into pillars of salt. The peasants were pretty cool with the idea of a way to get on his good side without having to sacrifice half their livestock every time they accidentally said His name in vain when they whacked their thumb with a hammer.
Now the priests of the time didn’t like that, because they got a lot of goodies from people bringing their cattle and goats and chickens to them to kill as sacrifices to God and with this fellow saying “hey, you don’t have to do that anymore,” it left them out in the cold, and cost them both food and money. Not to mention power. There has never been any priest in the history of the world who’s been cool with giving up power, so that put a crimp in their collective colons and they decided to do something about this upstart dope-smoking magic Rastafarian hippie guy.
So they got together with the Romans, who pretty much ran the whole world back then, and told them “this guy keeps calling himself the King of the Jews (the Jews being one of many religious sects that roamed the Middle East) and says that they don’t have to listen to you Romans. He also smokes a LOT of pot.”
Now all of this meant that the Roman governor of the area had to pull himself away from his drunken debauchery (which is pretty much all the Romans did when they weren’t building roads and developing difficult numerical systems featuring a lot of Xs and Ms and Vs) to check out the matter. He actually found nothing really to complain about, so he told the priests that he didn’t quite get what had their colons in a knot.
They called this guy a heretic and a blasphemer, and again accused him of trying to overthrow Roman rule, which made almost no sense considering that all he did was wander around and do nice things for people and occasionally turn water in to wine to help people party. And smoke a lot of pot. Roman law stated that smoking lots of pot and overthrowing the government were almost impossible to do at the same time, so this fairly well confused the whole issue beyond salvation.
So this Roman governor, who was named Pontius Pilate, asked them again, “are you sure you want to accuse this guy of being some kind of revolutionary asshole?” Personally Pilate didn’t care. All he wanted to do was go back to his own partying. He thought all these priests were a bunch of malignant clods and he really wanted them all to leave him alone so he could go back to having a good time.
The priests said “yes, he’s a heretical jerk-off and we want him to go away. Preferably on a permanent vacation.”
So Pilate said “fine, I wash my hands of this,” (which is Roman for ‘I’d rather be having a threesome with a couple of gorgeous slave girls than spend another moment talking about this shit with you clowns’) and told his men to do whatever the priests wanted and went back to gorging and puking and guzzling wine and lazing about with scantily-clad female slaves feeding him grapes and fanning him with palm fronds in between bouts of great Roman Governor sex (which is a lot like American Republican Governor sex without all the lying and eventual public groveling).
So the Roman soldiers got together with the priests and hung this fellow up on a cross and let him die of thirst and exposure over the next few days. (Which, as you can imagine, is a really, really bad way to go). Then, finally, they let some of his friends take his body down and drag it off to some cave. Now this fellow wasn’t the only one of these guys who could do magic, and when his friends got together, they decided to try and bring him back. They spent a few nights taking massive bong hits and doing their boogie-woogie mojo and, finally, this guy sat up and looked around. Unfortunately, not even Middle Eastern Rastafarian magic guys can actually bring someone back to life, so he came back as a zombie and the first thing he said when he looked at his twelve stoned buddies and his former ol’ lady was “Brains.” (Which is apparently Zombie for “Hey, I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?”)
And that’s how Jesus Christ became the first zombie God and why we spend every year around the time we think he was born worshiping a big fat guy with a flying sled and reindeer who climbs down chimneys and gives the kids presents.
Huh. It sounds like something’s been lost in the translation. Ah, well.
But many legends say that some day this Jesus fellow will come back around and sink his zombie teeth into the flesh, and then eat the brains, of his most devoted worshipers. This will apparently grant them all eternal un-life as super-zombies who will no longer care about the trials and tribulations of mortal existence and thus usher in the end of the world in a zombie apocalypse.
Or something like that.
(This is, of course, satire. Any offense given by the content of this post is not, of course, purely coincidental).
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
