Warning..this is a long rant.
If there IS a creator of this mess called Earth I would have to HATE it with my entire heart. Why?
Because I didn't ask to be born here,where my body,heart and mind would be assaulted and broken by other hurting people, sometimes the same people who put me here to begin with.
Humanity is as fucked up as I am ,just more or less fucked. There are too many games being played avoiding looking at the human condition to see what is really our condition. Too many defenses,egos,bad social progamming..and domination and manipulation,and bullshit most people never dig their way out of it in a lifetime..
I have been hurt by my own bullshit and bullshit I thought was true, bullshit from other people ,to the point I have no clue who I am, or what life is for or what the fuck I am supposed to do to figure out what to do with my time here and if it matters... to me or anything or anyone else at all..I don't even know what makes me happy really or what all this really means. I strive to have a COMFORTABLE state of mind but that does not always work and sometimes it hurts others..or they say it does.
This world, my body ,my mind,my emotions,thoughts,imagination,desires, ect..Social programming, all the games are there in me and in everyone else in different ways. We change,but the struggle never stops.. Countless inner defenses are like a battlefield we are born into made of other's egos,my ego,all this bullshit and baggage in me and inside others and all around me INTERFERES everyday with me. We are so good at getting in each others way and shutting down others actualization process because we are threatened by others freedom when we realize we are different.We all dread looking into the introspection mirror we all are for each other.
One way or another somewhere on the journey from cradle to grave something in our lives, inside us whatever it is messes all of us up inside. When I get sick enough of it all and sick of myself I think of killing myself.People say Don't! Why do they want me to be here and be miserable WITH them? Does misery crave company that badly? Are we like a bunch of drowning bugs trapped in a can of water clinging to each other to avoid sinking into an existential ego death?
What if we all died at once? It could happen.Nukes exist and we have an crazy asshole sociopath with the ability to push the button in the Whitehouse right now. Why do you think that is? It's not just red state yahoos causing this shit,if it was just them the bastard would be impeached because our own survival instincts on OUR SIDE and anyone else not trusting of BUsh to not push the button would have kicked in by now and the Dem's would have found the words and the guts and done the job already.Something is interfering with our colletive survival. Could it be unspeakable world weariness in a significant amount of the population?
What if as a planet life is unconsciously committing collective suicide by slowly destroying our means of survival,by extinction,pollution, by not solving problems,by letting the shit head "leaders" get away with slowly killing us all because we are that tired of evolving and struggling and still being ignorant of the causes of our own condition,and we are tired of BLAMING EACH OTHER and tired of blaming ourselves as if this is some sign of our superior morality. As we hypocritically beat each other down for being human and not being in perfect self control or in perfect harmony with a traumatic existence full of sociopaths that can out compete a human with empathy most of the time..
We might be ready to stop the world and get off finally.
Maybe evolution is fixing to toss this world out of the game of evolution. We understand evolution until we realize we all are forced participate in it regardless.And Eugenics can't help.Maybe we are moving to the next level.. Kurtzweil thinks so.
http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/kurzweil_singularity/kurzweil_singularity_index.htmlI dunno what to think myself.It might be a technological trap to harness some people's consciousness for nefarious ends. Mark of the beast? Good things have been used by bad people before for secret bad reasons that are touted as good . That is the pattern these kinds of things get used for in human cultures ruled by sociopaths like all of our history was written about...
A successful species can DIE from being too successful. Likewise a species can die from not being successful enough. And on top of that, a species can die living in balance if a big enough meteor slams into the planet.A species can download itself and the"computer" get a glitch or some undownloaded asshole can put in a floppy and install a virus that kills consiousness or tortures it forever.Kurtzwiels optimism cannot cope with that thought for long.He just does what oil companies do rely on future human ingenuity.He rolls the dice and prays to god lady luck is nice..The Net is overrun with viruses. What makes you think it won't happen again?
If there WAS a kind loving god that does UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I doubt it exists ,and I cannot accept it created this world..because in this reality love always is conditional,and I can only escape this reality in my imagination or by altering my consciousness and doing therapy and seeking into my unconscious drives to alter maladaptive patterns I have in me that get me fucked over in my life,or I can go psychotic and psychosis is NOT a holiday...So no matter how much I strive to change my own perspective,of it,and get over my baggage,and let shit go, for some reason reality comes back and bites my ass every time. It frustrates the hell out of me.I wish I could punch god in the face. I wish it would let me out of here into a place of MY OWN DESIGN..I wish unconditional love was really true.
All my prayers and the prayers of billions upon billions of souls way more enlightened that I ..have not changed the pattern of humanity all that much.They tell a good story tho..
God has no power here if it is a god of unconditional love really..A god of unconditional love should not judge and condemn me to more torture or more existence I feel is torture for being ignorant and coping badly in trying to adapt, in pain to evolve and survive,traumatized and blind of the overall reasons for my existence or purpose,in a conflicted reality such as this one.
So I give up. I am here and there is nothing I can do about it.
I can try to live up to my own ideals and standards and I'll fall short.Guaranteed. I can bash myself and swear I'll fix-it. Sometimes I will sometimes I'll fall right back into the same old shit,just because the shit you know feels safer than the shit you don't know.Biology and habit has a way of fucking you up sometimes.The dog returns to it's vomit just Like Paul wrote. And Paul spewed alot of rank chunks of rotten spiritual fruit in the scriptures about women and gays didn't he?
I can't control,create, predict,avoid,or otherwise"get ahead" of reality.No way. Sometimes it seems to respond to my needs,to certain ritual techniques of "magick" or my focused intent or whatever,sometimes it does not work at all and it brings me more pain than I had before..And I can't tell which will happen consistently enough beforehand to call it"knowledge".I get images of future events ,dreams.. they happen or..they don't..What a fucking sadistic TEASER my brain or is it a gift of god's..sent to tease me? Either way it SUCKS and it is so unreliable it is useless..
I have studied many religions,many belief systems,immersed myself in them only to find they HARMED ME or limited me or they messed with my mind or they made me crazy,or the group dym=namics of the believers corroded my inner locus of control or went against my natural ethics.So,that said I don't know shit OK?.It's all a frickin madhouse,a hall of salesmen,smoke and mirrors that lead the heart in circles.At least that is better than facing reality sometimes.. I guess.
I don't know myself.I don't know what happiness is. I don't know the real meaning of half the shit people call THE truth(tm),"values" or happy or whatever it is they are telling me I should feel . I can't swallow what they say alleviates their own pain and doubts.. Yeah it's so true for THEM now..and it makes no sense to ME now.Oh well.
And I can't find way to crawl into their blissful heads and feel the bliss and certainty myself they say they feel..even when I want to and decide to be hell bent on my own self deception to numb awaythe pain of now. All because I can't sustain the disbelief or belief for long I am uncertain.
I live with constant uncertainty,constant doubt,and my conscience will not let me have it any other way.Even if it feels good to my ego or soothes my mind.
All I know is reality is sadistic to me ,yet sometimes not so sadistic at the SAME TIME. More often than not reality is UNLUCKY(we'd all be lotto winners and born to wealthy perfect parents,with perfect bodies and look like supermodels if luck was as common as unluckiness is)
REALITY morally is truly a DUALITY(good and evil both mixed up in shades of grey & causing strife in each other's consciousness and flesh)
You cannot say all is one god unless merge good with the evil consciousness that creates trauma,hurricanes,starvation,sociopaths,
war,rape,torture, death and disease.Frankly I don't want to give my trust to any god that tortures its own creations for being hurt by traumatic lives they were hurled into by an act of love,sex or even the horror of rape between two people that if not stopped will produces a helpless consious baby.
Any all knowing god that sends it's creation to a cosmic torture school to learn 'lessons'could have dreamed up a better way that was not so sadistic if it was truly a god of LOVE don't cha think?
I can't abide by a god that excuses such evil and people that do not see this contradiction are moral relativists and this is why they do not see the evil they do because making all ONE is more important that looking at what they SAY and what it means about god... A god worth my time needs to be so BEYOND this world and not be tainted by creating it or stand around letting it suffer.Any god/dess I would call holy is NOT a BYSTANDER an ENABLER or a PERPETRATOR of suffering.This world is FULL of suffering.
Each of our perceptions are unique but we share reality too.Reality is so I can't master my reality for my own survival's sake. Science figures one thing out about reality than it has to revise it all over again and again as new information comes in and technology to look at reality improves..Religion revises itself too just like science does except religion pretends it is THE ETERNAL TRUTH(tm) First there was unknown gods of cave people,then there was many gods,dualism than monism gods like Jesus now the hindu like sycretism of the New Age....Religion has EVOLVED..And Devolved over time like a virus.
Every thing alive will suffer and die regardless of how good or bad it was or how well or bad it treated others around it..What is it in us that prevents us all from evolving into sociopath shit-heads? A soul? Or is it one form of humanity is more parasitic and predatory,and the other is a more cooperative empathy type? Prey and Predator? Or is it something else here? Cancer consciousness and healthy consciousness? Spirit Vs Material Light VS Dark and the spectrum between that ultimately cannot reconcile itself..Which is which? Who the fuck knows? I dunno.
Where do we go after death ? I dunno. Do we go to bliss? I hope so. Do we go to torment? I hope not. Do we just no longer Exist? I dunno. Nobody knows if you are honest. We all wishful think,assume,hope, GUESS,we believe what our parents told us,or let an old ancient romantic text from any culture we resonate with that we seem to like enough to agree with it ,decide it for us and we take it on faith..What else can we do? It is sad when loved ones die.
The reality of death is such a frightening ,traumatizing and tragic thing to look at directly and personally isn't it.Yet Death is always there in our unconscious,lurking like an unseen hand, until we are close enough to death to fear it fully and accept it than it takes us out and our loved ones cry and rage at god or tell themselves it will all have a happy ending....and regardless of all that death is motivating us to avoid risks,or take risks, survive,have kids and help our own progeny to survive.And yet we are all terribly alone when we die. Just you and Death. Leaving all the familiar behind ,forever or as long as you can not remember(if you believe in reincarnation which the material proof is dubious for but the consciousness angle offers more proof).
What are our dreams for,why can we imagine better worlds in our own damn heads just by thinking it up? We can so easily do the math to end world hunger yet we do not really do it.We don't confront leaders, bosses or bullies as equals..too often we obey them like superiors. Why?
Is it just so the cognitive dissonance between what is and what is not hurts us more until we get frustrated enough at the powers over us to get all utopian on each other so alot of people die because they won't get with the program that would usher in another "golden age"? Who are we fooling?
Solutions to fix problems too often cause more problems most of the time UNFORESEEN by the creator of the solutions..And then we got to fix that and there is more problems and when we humans seek to stop our own suffering or seek to alleviate some our own vulnerabilities to each other or to nature we get hurt more later..or someone else suffers someone with heart and mind that has dreams just like me and you.
So we pretend they are a lesser being than ourselves or bullshit ourselves and say they chose it,or they don't TRY as hard as ourselves do, just to justify keeping our own fortune and our greedy holding onto our good luck and assuage our guilt for hoarding excess in a world that needs some too,in a reality that does not care if any of us live or die and no god steps in to ease this catch 22 of have and have nots, nor force us to be fair and uncorrupted with each other.We all know how to do it,we just don't care the more fortunate we are..
So I could go optimistic and try to THINK a WAY to maximize my happiness and self control hoping in turn I can control what reality does to me.Word Faith type of things..Giving "seed money" to the church ,through tithing 10% of your income... NEVER made anyone richer except the owner of the church.
Yet we keep on feeding the beast of "luck" hoping our ship will come in and god will be nice to us just once ,especially if he saw the INVESTMENT we made in his earthly agenda he'd be so IMPRESSED..and your heavenly crown will be as shiny as the pastors new Cadillac as pennies fall from heaven!..NOT.
People can use the power of our imagination for harm,almost like an addict. And we use imagination to fix problems and create problems..and when reality dims away,as imagination takes control it's like we move into our own dreams and live in the castle in the sky for a time.Sometimes it's a Eureka moment hot on the trail of invention or discovery..or it's a manic episode..
And when we see the light of our own dreams and wisdom desired for.. we can attempt to bring a bit of heaven back here through ourselves and our choices and behaviors or convincing people of the "Revelation" as if if we all just believed it would come true..We can do it with writing or art too.The world chews us up yet we keep on smiling.Someday we will know what happiness is ,'cause the old dusty scroll says it is so.And we pursue as if it is all for some great reward.Will we really get a reward? Will god quit punishing us if we all pretend he is not abusing us through forcing us to evolve with only the dimmest of foresight and insight in a world we do not understand enough to change without hurting it?
I have come to the conclusion I don't know what the fuck to do,to think or believe.Every framework has a hole,every hole found creates stress,every stress is hurts because I let myself believe a lie and every lie inside me makes me crazy until I admit I have lied.And the whole world plays make believe because reality HURTS our consciousness somehow.. I give up. I don't believe a damn thing.Is there a god? Who the fuck knows? I don't care..
What I want to know is WHY are we conscious ? Why do we feel? Why do we desire" Why do we imagine? Why is reality so oblivious to our strife and struggles.And why are we born to suffer, win or lose and die anyway and on top of all that why do we have to FEEL every bit of the stress and pain of it in ourselves and in others and go seek solace from this pain and reality time and again ..as reality will take away what little solace we imagine or'create' in our heads or lives from us.
Why is reality like this for so many,and why are others spared seeing this?
Why does reality remove our silly self comforts with those catalyzing events? Why do we stab ourselves by our un-confronted unconscious drives and bad programming we got from the parents we trusted as kids who hurt us as we blamed ourselves for it,and buried it all in our unconscious where it's invisible and kicks us in the teeth today as we struggle inside ourselves to understand what is true VS lies in our own damn motives..
Why do sociopaths exist?
And why can't we do anything to detect them accurately and stop them before they hurt people?
Why do we live in a reality that abuses the most intelligent,sensitive,creative and unique people in the population until it makes these sensitized souls become someone they never were as far as they know , didn't want to be which might mean nothing anyway.Why does reality demand we lie and seek truth at the same time even when it causes us such dissonant pain?
Why are we born so helpless in a world so capricious and sadistic and abusive ,partly because the abuse and traumas others before us went through that we had NOTHING to do with us..but we suffer through regardless?? Why be born conscious, to feel being alive ,vulnerable, helpless in a babies body in in a world of predatory adults,illness,trauma, injury and whatnot? Why does consciousness exist if it is hurt in a society,hurt in a brain, hurt with emotions and drives desires it cannot reconcile.
Why do we hurt each other because we all hurt?
And how do we get along and be safe enough around EACH OTHER to function and live beyond mere survival in a world that is not friendly to life all the time..and that kills us all? How do we SELF ACTUALIZE and find a comfortable state of mind,a right relationship with others or this reality,when there are so many things interfering with it like traumas, bad people,bad politics,manipulation,social engineering, bad luck ,others needs,baggage,catalyzing circumstances and those billions of other things some of which are hidden deep inside us and some of which are all around us foreseen or not, interfering,deceiving,confusing, fighting,distracting, us individually and socially every inch of the way from self actualization...
I want out of here,but I can't go anywhere ..because where would I go? What is there to go to? All I know for sure is what I experience and sometimes I doubt that. One trip into psychosis will force you to question your own perceptions of reality...
When I die I'll find out when I find out and I have no choice in this..I didn't choose to come here,but here I am when I go I go and I'll go wherever I go.. The feeling of no control is very unnerving. Especially over something like eternity,especially when your own baggage,other people have stood in your way of finding and realizing your own desires and potential and pursuing them. It looks different when you 10 than when are 60 and you still have not accomplished much in your life that you thought was good. This disappointment self caused or not still hurts the same, god or no god. This is why parents vicariously live through their children sometimes.
Why is there this hole inside of my heart and this urge to seek what is IN there?? Maybe because that is a side effect of being conscious of this reality while being immersed in it IS like.There may be NO end to consciousness.Or it dies when the body dies. Evidence on these things is colored by beliefs more than what appears to be from material observation alone.Our imaginations already are conflict with reality and consensus reality does not change this especially when compared to the bliss of imagination and a few memories that we hold onto like strands of gold to keep us going when things get too tough..We run to what does not exist in the realm of imagination and myth just to be able to tolerate the horrible things that happen to life on Earth that threaten to blow our minds to smithereens.
We play make believe with ourselves ,we pretend to have free will than we tell ourselves we do not when it's convienent..I dunno if we have free will or not.Sometimes it looks like we have free will and reality shows us we don't at all. Which one IS it? I dunno.
We humans fight each other,because we are suffering,confused,angry,scared and traumatized.. And before we fight we are often in pain, or threatened,and we react because we are traumatized from fighting each other..Circular it is.
Striving just to alleviate some of the PAIN of the human condition in ourselves and in those we care about. We never get to rest from the capricious demands of evolutionary adaptation.
Why do we evolve in REAL TIME in every moment..self actualize?
Why we are conscious of it but can't control it. we are not the masters of this reality,we are just part of it,interacting in it,in the thick of it all.
And so now we are destroying the planet ,because we don't know how to cope with this reality that hurts.We have tried to control nature.And that attempt in itself can be seen as a force of evolution.
And I see no way to escape demands and the games,and I cannot see the end product of all this struggle..I can only imagine one and try to make it manifest in THIS world, through my art,Some do it by inventing a tool,or a drug, anything to give us an "advantage" over the other competing forces and creatures who like us are also suffering.
I can create a solution with more unforeseen problems to wrangle a short holiday from one struggle against us,be it a bacteria or physical hardships..or whatever.And Like the inventors before me I will have to leave it for the next generations to solve the mess my wonderful invention I made.That is what we have been doing since the dawn of civilization .
Ironically now what gave some of us a rest is about to collapse on us to Kill the only Earth we know. For WHAT? So a very few of our species, the most sociopath's ambitious,deceptive and charismatic alphas of us all can rest from evolution's and survival's demands and outlive us all. The kings and"leaders" go out with "glorious legacy" bigger than life, cowards made hero's riding like kings on the backs of billions who's lives are conditioned to be denied ,not actualized,never really lived,who were snuffed out defending their own slave-hood?
And I have no answers for this.Revolution sucks.It makes more systems and kings to ride upon the backs of the masses is all it does... I observe all this and shudder like everyone else does when they look into the bloody jaws of nature and the bloody habits of mankind on an ego trip.I wish I could find a good stronger than reality itself god or mind state to numb away my traumas and blind me to what I see and numb me to the pain and struggle between self actualization and the demands of evolution and survival..
Please god/dess,put me asleep,numb my heart,and dull my mind,close my eyes. In the name of mercy make me an optimist,take away my emotional pain,dull my empathy.Give me a purpose so I don't have to find one..and lie to myself I have one..And this game works sometimes,..but those sorts of beliefs do comfort me,only a while. And circumstances do intrude or my own desire to know this loving god more fully collapses the whole belief system on me and I see reality is running me through as it was before and I am forced to wake up because I am not a good liar in my heart.And again I feel pain the primordial betrayal.And I weep into the bottomless big hole inside myself.Soon
I pick myself up when I can't cry anymore I change my mind,I express my emotions,I solve my problem,look at my situation,find a solution, and I move on,walk on the sunny side of the street until the next assault comes..
There are bigger fish to fry . Like looking at the human condition rather than argue the existence or non existence of god.Our future is in danger There are dangers we invented that never were in the days when the bible was written. I think this dilemma about god has distracted humanity from itself it's problems and its bad relationships for a long,long time. It will not be solved. So is pointless to the point of suicide to worry about it now.I really fear for us. And we do not know how to save ourselves from each others beliefs to stabilize our own societies or relationships.
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
