Any non-religious couples out there?

[Quantess]

Hi! I'm an atheist / agnostic. So is my boyfriend.

I have it easy.. I was raised in a very nice family, never religious. Only reluctantly, we tried going to church in the mid 1970s, after the death of a family member, but that didn't last. None of us liked going to church, as I recall. The only thing I remember from Sunday School was that I didn't want to be there.

I feel very fortunate to be in a nice family who repects morals and overall ethical behavior, minus the "Fear Of God". My parents listen to biblical verses the same way they listen to UFO rants. They ponder a while, then get back to business.

My boyfriend's family is also non-religious, to the point of exceeding my own family's atheism /agnosticism. I was relieved to hear that his family was actively non-religious, similar to my own family. His family seems to appreciate that I'm also atheist/non-religious.

I have heard that religion is a major factor among couples: Whether they stay together; Whether in-laws will accept them; etc...

[no_hypocrisy]

1. Let me put it to you this way:

When I was 17, a lawyer friend of the family gave me this advice about marriage generally. It applies to atheists, humanists, agnostics, etc.

1. It's better if you share the same religion, faith, set of beliefs, etc. because you will have other differences between you as a couple, why add one more?

2. Take a good look at how s/he treats his/her family, because that's the way you're going to be treated (now or in the future).

3. S/he has to have ambition, making plans for the next step. S/he should be happy where s/he is, but not too much so.

I have known of certain couples where one is an atheist, free-thinker, etc. and hooked up with a say, a methodist, and they just agreed to disagree, and religion was not a problem. They listened to each other and respected each other's opinions, and there never was a problem. On the other hand, having a family behind you that is also atheist, secular, etc. will be a "plus" in a marriage as they support your choice of spouse and not give you grief, especially during family get-togethers at religious holidays.

[Quantess]

2. I think that's great advice.

I feel very lucky to have found an equally non-religious boyfriend, who shares the same attitude and perspective of pretty much EVERYTHING I believe in, at least the important things.

[Solon]

3. I think it also matters what religion they are...

and whether they can be respectful or not. I recently dated a Buddhist, I'm Wiccan, and she's away for college for a DAMNED YEAR!!!! Anyways, besides that fact, we got along great, discussed religion with no problems, and considering both of our religions are not "Fire and Brimstone" types, there is no JUDGMENT involved. I doubt I could even have a decent conversation with a Fundamentalist Christian, but I've dated Hindus, Catholics, an Agnostic, and a former Jehovah's Witness, plus my best friend is a former Mormon.

ON EDIT: I think that for those of us who are tolerant and accepting, its much easier than those who judge others simply for belief. I get along with Christians just fine, as long as they don't push it, which Fundamentalists do.

[trotsky]

4. My wife and I are both atheists.

Married 11 years. She didn't start out that way, though. She was a pretty liberal Christian initially but in the many conversations we had about religion she gradually discarded her beliefs. It didn't cause any friction when we believed differently, but it's certainly nice we're on the same page now.

I think people of different religions have a slightly easier time of making a relationship work than a person of religion and a freethinker. There's just such a difference in perspective. Kind of like how James Carville & Mary Matalin confuse me.

[varkam]

5. My girlfriend is Catholic....

and I'm a big old atheist. It could be worse - she could be evangelical and I could be...well I guess I'm about as far in the other direction from religion as you can get. We've been together for just over a year and a half now, and sometimes we get into arguments about religion and politics (she's also a "moderate" with conservative leanings), but for the most part we get along. We can talk about religion and stuff, as long as we both recognize that we need to be respectful of one another - that's the key. As soon as she starts telling me I'm going to hell or I start calling her stupid for believing in a fairy tale - that's when we cross the line. But we figured that out early on, and I think it's been good for both of us (learning about how to challenge one another without being disrespectful).

I've also heard that people of the same political and / or religious orientations tend to fare better than those who differ. But I think there's something important to keep in mind here - Republican, Democrat, Catholic, Charismatic, Buddhist, Evangelical, Baptist, Atheist, etc. They all do describe a certain minimum of ideological or theological doctrine one must accept to take on the label, but that's all they are: labels. If you look past the labels, you'll find there is an incredible amount of diversity underneath the surface. Gay friends in the Red States and misogyny in the Blue States, so to speak.

These studies that determine that people of different religions won't stay together only measure the labels. But that doesn't sum up the person, nor all that is important in a relationship.

However, regarding atheism and acceptance by in-laws...I read a study recently (put out by the University of Wisconsin, I believe) that showed atheists are the least trusted religious (?) population in the country. Something about even if two people differ on other domains, they both still have faith in God to fall back on. Most people think that's the core of this country, and it might be, but that means atheists like you and I don't "share the vision".

By the way, welcome to DU! :toast:

on edit: It was the University of Minnesota that conducted the survey, not Wisconsin

[hunter]

11. You are doomed, varkam!

But I like your post, so I'm kicking it.

[Orrex]

6. Welcome to DU, quantessd!

:hi:

[Quantess]

7. Thanks for the welcome!

It's well known that religion is really important for compatibility. Not only between the two people, but between the families. Everyone knows the in-laws are much more likely to "approve" if the religion is the same.

The anecdotes are always about: Jewish with Jewish, Catholic with Catholic, Mormon with Mormon, etc. But what about Not Religious with Not Religious? To me, it seems just as important!

I'm extremely relieved at not having to ever go to church with them, never having to worry about taking the Lord's name in vain, getting to have fun with his family on Easter, etc...

And I'm pretty sure his family is equally pleased for the same reasons.
Our families have not yet met, but I know the non-religion-thing will be a big plus when they finally meet.

[PassingFair]

8. I am an atheist, married to a recovering catholic.

He went to catholic schools, the whole nine yards...

Basically, when he was TOTALLY unable to define
"god", or tell me why he believed in an indefinable
"something" that he could not explain, he began
to think pretty deeply about his actual beliefs!

We are happy heathens now.

With happy heathen children!

[Quantess]

9. That's so cool! Except, don't call yourself a heathen.

I wouldn't allow even that shadow of religious disapproval. If anyone asks me, I'm just "non-religious". I'm just..not..religious. I personally wonder about why people are religious, and whether it has any truth beyond the human psyche.

Chances are, your husband was already, deep-down, wondering, and he was grateful to have someone to accept his doubt in his faith. Your kids are lucky to have open minded parents.

[Lilith Velkor]

10. I like the word "heathen"

It reminds me of the word, "healthy." :bounce:

Besides, if I call myself "pagan," I get mistaken for a Wiccan. :eyes:

[Evoman]

12. My girlfriend is a liberal christian---anglican (Episcopal)

She believes in god, and went to the church for awhile while we've been living together. However, she has got to be the most understanding Christian I know. Some Evo-lady factoids:

1) She bought me The End of Faith by Sam Harris. She really wanted to read it after I finished it.

2) I asked her the one day (after a certain DU thread or two) if she believed atheism was a faith. She kind of gave me a "your a dumbass" look and told me..."No, why would it be? Atheism is is having no belief...why you need faith to have no belief. And then, and I swear this is true...like Goblinmonger, she called atheism the "null hypothesis". Hehe...she rocks soooo bad.

3) She is a scientist, and thinks people who don't believe in evolution are dumbasses.

4) She has said several times, with no prompting from me, that, "she only believes in god because thats what she was taught". She says that she just can't help believing in god, no matter how irrational it is. I have absolutely no problem with her religion or belief in god.

5)She told me once that when someone told her she was going to heaven "forever" when she was a kid, she started to cry. She didn't want to live "forever", even in heaven. It was too long, Lol.

6)She laughed really hard at all the Zombie jesus jokes (yep, she visits DU and is probably reading this)...she says, "Oh thats sooo bad......but I can't help laughing."

I have the bestest girlfriend in the universe.

[Quantess]

13. Your girlfriend sounds great.

Atheism is the "null hypothesis".
I'm betting that she is one of several people (as in a large percentage of the population) who go to church for primarily social reasons. Nothing wrong with that. There is an inner voice that humans hear, that calls them to connect with one another in search of spiritual meaning. And, also, there are people who have no other social ties except to their church. Those people are sad and misguided, IMO. And, devoted church goers are extra vulnerable to please the whims of their church crowd.
Your girlfriend's social ties are obviously not bound to her church crowd, which is great for both of you.

I haven't heard / seen any of the zombie-jesus jokes (sounds to me like Swamprat's doings)..?

I haven't read, nor have I heard anything about it The End Of Faith.

[hunter]

14. How about a vampire Jesus?

[FooFootheSnoo]

15. I'm a believer, but my husband is not

He's pretty much an athiest, but doesn't have anything against religion. Personally, our political differences cause more problems than our religious differences. The only thing that really bothers me about our religious differences is that if anything ever happened to me, then I know he wouldn't carry on teaching my daughter about faith. That bothers me a lot. What bothers me even more is that his parents are evangelists and they would probably take that over. So, I made my sister in law my daughter's godmother. I don't think differences in faith are a big problem unless children are involved.

[NAO]

16. My wife is a native secularist; I am a de-converted fundy baptist

I was brought up in a Fundamentalist Baptist church - I bought the whole thing from my earliest memories until I was 19.

My wife was brought up in a truly secular home. Her parents did not 'let her decide on her own about religion' - they did not think there was anything to decide about. They taught her to deal honestly with people, to be kind to others, and how to get along and live life on earth. She is continually amazed that people actually believe the teachings of religions.

As atheists are fond of saying, every person is born an atheist. The belief in a god or gods has to be taught and drilled into a person. If that is not done during the formative years, it is very unlikely that they will ever subscribe to such notions.

[Quantess]

17. Religion is "taught", much like reading and writing is.

Reading of graphic marks, graphs, or glyphs is also a taught behavior. Humans need to communicate with eachother in written form. Humans also seem to need to form a sense of community, based on religion. Reading and writing are skills that are most easily learned in childhood.

Is every person born an atheist? Is anyone born an atheist? I'm an agnostic, and I'll rely on an obstetrician's testimony on what babies think. ;-)

"She is continually amazed that people actually believe the teachings of religions."
I am amazed that people actually value religion over anything scientific.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

18. I am amazed that people value

science over so much else in the world.

Science has it's high points, but it has brought us a lot of heartache and death, too. Gee, just like religion!

Yin and Yang.

[Finder]

19. Scientific fact should be valued...

I disagree that science and religion are yin and yang though...They are opposites but are they complementary?

Yin needs to depend on Yang and vice versa...Science and religion--not at all.