A second draft: Letter to the Editor: Any better? I spelled principal the right way.

[stopschoolpaddling]

Dear Editor,
       There is something about Mountain View that shows it
has uniquely blended the valuable values of the past with the
progressive vision of the future.   Unfortunately, the public
schools seem to be missing from its agenda or at best are
lagging more than decade behind.

        As a community we all have a vested interest in
improving our schools. Not doing so is a huge mistake and the
children are the ones who will pay its price.   They already
are.  I read that school morale is low, why wouldn’t it be? 
Bad attitudes trickle down from superintendents, to
principals, to teachers, and lastly, to the children who are
sitting there wondering why school is such a drag. 

     All you have to do is visit any of our schools to see
that the magic is gone.  Teachers are tired and frustrated by
state and federal regulations that have all but silenced the
originality and enthusiasm they once possessed.

      Principals don’t even greet new students and parents on
their first day.  They run a tight ship, fearful that at any
moment chaos might break out and ruin it for them. 

      If you read the article in last week’s paper titled
“Superintendent Suspended” don’t you almost have to come up
with the conclusion that things are beyond out of control? 
Just how, for instance, does a superintendent receive an
unheard of 11.7% raise one month and in the next breath get
suspended?  Why are we given the lame excuses that school
morale and his lack of friendly PR may be to blame? 
 
     Come on now, any moron can figure out that we are not
being told what really happened?  What was it and worse, why
do they think they can get away with not telling us?  What do
they take us for? Don’t they think it’s our business?  

       And why is a school board member publicly telling us
about his plans for "vengeance"?  That right there
is down right creepy and I don’t care what his reasons are. 
That is not good PR either.

     Get rid of the superintendent and any anyone else who is
not up for the job and for God’s sake get rid of corporal
punishment.  The days of trying to induce good behavior
through paddling are over.  Violence is violence no matter
what form it takes.
  
     Look people it’s time to connect the dots in a way that
actually makes a picture worth looking at.  We need to raise
our standards and hire some people who can help us band
together to bring our schools up to date.  

      They say there is an advertisement for the
superintendent’s position, but what guidelines will we use for
finding the next one?

      This upheaval could very well be our opportunity to make
some real changes that actually benefit our children.  I would
encourage every parent to write letters demanding to be told
the truth and to attend the next board meeting.  There is
simply no excuse for our schools to be left behind when all
else around here is progressing at a rate that is truly
remarkable but if you don’t get involved to make your voices
heard then don’t complain when nothing happens. 
 
      On a positive note, Mountain View easily has the
capacity to make the necessary changes.  It is chock full of
some of the most resourceful and compassionate people on the
planet.  How does an entire outlying community go two and even
three weeks without electricity in the dead of winter without
suffering even one casualty?   That right there should tell
you what this community is capable of.  

       What are we waiting for?  

   
       

[tabatha]

1. morale (not moral)

[stopschoolpaddling]

2. Oh, right you are.

[yellowcanine]

3. You missed one....."Principles don’t even greet new students...."

There are some other mistakes also. You need to have someone proof read your letters. Making mistakes and using awkward wording detracts from a LTTE's impact. It shouldn't, but it does.

[daleanime]

4. Like the general thrust of the letter....

but you may want to tighten it up a touch:fistbump:

[yellowcanine]

5. "down right" should be "downright" but really this letter has a lot of other problems.

You need an editor, you really do. A lot of it is usage problems but there are logic problems and poor construction in general.

Examples:

"valuable values" is both redundant and awkward. Just say "values".

"with the progressive vision" should be "with a progressive vision" There is presumably more than one progressive vision so "a" is more appropriate than is "the".

"Get rid of the superintendent and any anyone else who is not..." The "any" needs to go, as should the "else".

"They say there is an advertisement" Who is "they"? Never say "They say" in conversation or in writing. It is indicative of lazy thinking.


There is more. To be honest, it needs a lot of work. Mostly it is wordy. Don't use two words where one will convey the point in a succinct way. Short declarative sentences indicate clear thinking. Run-on sentences, rhetorical questions, and awkward constructions convey muddled thinking.

[stopschoolpaddling]

6. All very good suggestions that will be taken. Where can I get an editor?

[yellowcanine]

7. Community colleges often offer non credit writing courses. That is where I would start if you are

serious. Also, read more good literature. By reading good writing you will automatically improve your own writing. Academic research has shown this to be true.

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. Nice improvement from the original, but still full of typos, gramatical problems,

and syntax issues.

Content-wise, I think your agenda and issue is fantastic!

Communication-wise, it's still not as effective as it needs to be.

I'd help more, but I'm in a time crunch right now - maybe I can look at on Saturday, but otherwise I'm out of time until Tuesday night.

But, let me reiterate: this is a MAJOR improvement from your first one. You DO have the skill to write; it just needs practice. Kudos to you!