How would you react?

[W_HAMILTON]

This is copied from a post I made in the lounge, but I wanted to get more responses. I guess this isn't the place, since this is more of a political message board, but I don't frequent any other GLBT message boards, so this is the only place I know where to ask:

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Someone from high school, whom you haven't seen for years (10+), contacts you via email.

You weren't good friends or anything, but were acquaintances since you were both in all the same classes.

They let you know that, after all these years, they wanted to let you know that they had the biggest crush on you back in school, and they wanted to apologize to you for their standoffishness -- they were short with you, not because they didn't like you, but because they liked you a lot and were so nervous around you.

Oh, and the person contacting you is gay. Or, if you're gay, assume they are straight.

They aren't really interested in a relationship; they just wanted to get it all off their chest, and find out how you are doing now.

Do you feel weird? Do you feel flattered? Do you email them back? Do you just pretend you never got the email?

How would you react?

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Or, since I assume many GLBT people read this message board, have you had any experience like this in the past? If so, how did the person react to you? I'm sure everyone has had crushes on people that they knew they could never be with; so, did you ever open up to the person and tell them your feelings, or did you always keep it to yourself?

[noamnety]

1. I don't understand why their orientation is an issue.

I guess I'd rephrase it like this: An old high school friend that you weren't attracted to writes to say they had a big crush on you.

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I'd probably send them back at least a short note saying it's good to hear from them, and a summary, if you feel comfortable sharing personal information, of what you've been up to. Or if you don't share personal info, just a note saying it was cool to hear from them, always nice to hear from old friends.

I guess it always feels a little weird to have an unexpected blast from the past, and always a little flattering that you made an impression on someone. I never really got, though, why an unwelcome/unreturned advance or confession of feelings was more or less weird or flattering based on the gender of the person who had those feelings.

[W_HAMILTON]

2. Well, you can word it that way, too.

I just figured there are some people out there that would be "weirded out" if the person confessing the crush was of the opposite orientation. I don't know. That's why I asked the question :) To see how different people would react to such a situation.

[TEmperorHasNoClothes]

5. nobody secure would be weirded out

At my 25th reunion I was talking to this guy and he was flirty. In front of a whole bunch of old friends he said I was really sexy (a word I never use to describe myself) and he would love to go out with me. In the most innocent of voices I said, "I guess it's too bad I'm lesbian." Anyone who didn't know I was gay found out and my response got a great laugh. I thought it was nice, if I was still in high school I would have been head over heals to have a cute popular guy ask me out (because that's what you were supposed to do in the 70s, especially in a small town).

[AndyTiedye]

3. Flattered

A compliment is a compliment.

[TEmperorHasNoClothes]

4. I would be gracious and reply back to them-- being lesbian has nothing to do with it

People grow up after high school. I believe in forgiveness and emotional generosity. I would graciously accept the apology, it takes a lot to admit to mistakes, particularly when one hasn't treated other(s) well. When heterosexuals are attracted to me, I'm not flattered. I think it's kind of humorous.
When you say not interested in a relationship, do you mean romantic relationship or friendship relationship? I would never assume someone who contacted me out of the blue was interested in a relationship- whether LGBT or straight. I've found, particularly with old classmates, that the connection is more about nostalgia and memories, and possibly what we have in common presently. To expect or think someone else expects a romantic relationship after 10 years of not seeing them, to me would be juvenile, since people change a lot in a decade and how would either of us know we'd like the people we became.
To me, anyone who pretends they didn't get the email is being unkind and possibly selfish. I think at least some acknowledgement is the least anyone can do to another person who puts herself (or himself) out there vulnerability like that.

[HillWilliam]

6. The topic is germaine, since I just contacted a classmate

for exactly that reason -- a bit of nostalgia. We're both in relationships and a lot of years have passed since then. We've wound up in opposite ends of the country, although I've been where he's living now many times. We've got a lot of the same interests and it would also be interesting to see how coming from the same ultra-conservative area, two gay people who didn't really know one another in high school wound up happy, out, sane, and liberated.

We shall see if and how the conversation progresses. I've always said, there's no harm in a friendly hello. A polite hello in return should be all that is expected.

In the case of the OP, if the conversation gets too weird, that's what junk-mail filters are for.

[W_HAMILTON]

7. OK, I'll elaborate a little further on the situation

Thanks for the replies so far, but even in the other thread, I got some "interesting" responses, so maybe I worded my original message a little strangely.

I'm the gay guy with the crush on the straight guy (well, I assume he's straight). I liked him almost immediately, and continued to like him for the final two years of high school (I think he transferred from Tennessee as a sophomore, and I first met him our junior years). We didn't talk all that much in school, but I was afraid he would find out that I liked him or something, so my mechanism to keep that from happening was to keep from saying much to him. I wasn't MEAN or anything. But I just didn't say that much to him.

I look back after all these years, and regret that I didn't develop a friendship with him. He was a really friendly person, and I almost had to go out of my way not to speak to him; I'd basically give short, one-word answers, and whenever he did initiate conversation, I never really kept it going. When he did talk to me, inside I'd get really nervous, and probably even start to blush, so I wanted it to end quickly, rather than him get the wrong idea (or in this case, the right idea!).

I still think about him, even 10 years after the fact. I actually had a dream about him one day last week (does anyone else still dream a lot about your high school times, or is that just me?), which sort of caused all these feelings to pop up again. One part of me wants to tell him to get that off my chest, and another part wants to apologize for being short with him, and explain why I was that way. I don't know what he thought about me, but considering he was such a great guy, I'd feel awful if he took my demeanor towards him to mean that I hated him or something. Even though at the same time, at the time, I'd prefer him to think that I disliked him, rather than realize that I liked him so much. I was in high school in the South, I hadn't come out (hell, I STILL haven't come out), and I just didn't want that added stress in my life.

For other reasons, I've pretty much shut off most of my friends from high school, but I'm able to keep track of what they are doing, and most of them seem to be pretty successful. But, Justin, the guy I liked so much, I haven't really been able to figure out what he is doing nowadays. I imagine I could get in touch with him if need be, hell, at worst I could just call up his parents (I still think they live in my town).

But at the same time, I don't know how he would react. I wouldn't want to inject all of this into his life if it would be the least bit "stressful" to him, or make him feel bad, or anything like that, you know? That's why I was wondering what other people would feel like in the same situation, or if others have had this sort of situation. I don't think he's the type that would go insane because a gay guy said he likes him, but I would assume most straight guys would feel a little weird about something like that, so I don't know.

Basically, I would like someday to come clean with him, but I'd prefer to keep this to myself rather than "burden" him with it, if that's how he would take it, you know? I wouldn't want to bring any negatives into his life, but I would love to get this off my chest, and see what he is up to nowadays.

[Touchdown]

9. I'd suggest not unloading everything on him at once.

If you going through the effort to re-connect with him, then no use in scaring the jeepers out of him. Just talk and open up in 5 or 10 e-mails, and eventually you'd be friends at worst.

Of course, he might be like..."What??? Where the fuck were you when I was horny and lonely in HS? Dammit, you were hot! Take vacation now and come out, or I'll hunt you down and seduce you on your front lawn!" Of course that my fantasy for you.:P

[W_HAMILTON]

10. Dang, now you got my hopes up!

I like your thinking :)

[Toasterlad]

13. Just Now Read This After I Posted My Original Response.

If I were you, I'd be honest with myself about my reasons for wanting to get back in touch with him. It sounds to me like you're still carrying a torch, and you want another crack at him now that you're older and more confident. This "I was standoffish and I want to apologize" sounds more like a (lame) cover story than the truth, and when I initially believed someone was using it on you, my first thought was that they were trying to nail you. My bet is this Justin is going to feel the same way if you try using that story on him.

[W_HAMILTON]

14. Yeah, but it's the truth.

As far as I know, I don't think he is gay, so I wouldn't have a chance with him. I guess there is maybe a slight hope that he is gay (I didn't remember him having many girlfriends back in high school...), but that really is secondary. I think it's more just me wanting to get this all off my chest, to apologize if he thought I didn't like him or was being mean to him, and to see how he is doing nowadays. I would love to start up a friendly relationship, where maybe we email each other every now and then, but I'm not sure how likely that is.

Regardless, I don't think sort of romantic relationship would develop from all of this, nor would I expect it to. Again, I believed this entire time that Justin was straight, and that I'd have no shot with him anyway. That hasn't really changed. It would make my life if he did somehow turn out to be gay, but again, I'm guessing that's very unlikely :) So, I don't really have any motives when it comes to that sort of stuff. It just seems like he's fallen off the face of the earth -- I can't find out much about what he is doing now. So, I'd just love to kinda confess my feelings, and see what he is up to.

[sui generis]

8. read between the lines

opportunity missed - they're out of touch with their present and trying to reconnect with their past.

if I were ultra cynical, which is like saying if I were me, I would also wonder if they'd seen my current fabulous photos or net worth or latest porn video (or whatever). I'd give extra credit to the person who sent off an email into the void without knowing anything else.

And I'd really be a little nervous about the person who claimed they'd seen me in a porn video, since I've never made one.

go with it! talking to someone can never hurt; reconnecting with your past carries no obligation.

[yardwork]

11. What does this have to do with being gay? Why would it be any different from a straight person?

Let's assume that you are a straight man. A straight woman contacts you with the exact same message? How would your reaction be any different if the person contacting you were gay?

I hope - I trust - that you are not assuming that gay people are more likely than straight people to go around trying to seduce people? That is an old stereotype that is stupid and I hope - I trust - that you know better than that.

[Toasterlad]

12. You Feel How You Feel. There's No "Wrong" Way.

Only your reaction to it could be "wrong". You're free to do as you wish, but freaking out and going all Jenny Jones on the person would definitely be wrong. Since you don't seem to be considering that in the slightest, I'd say you're free to ignore the person, write back and say you're flattered/amused/uncomfortable/howeverelseyoufeel, or whatever you want. However, I agree with another poster that this person may well be feeling you out in an attempt to start a relationship, despite what they say. If you're not open to the possibility, I'd make that very clear if you decide to respond, preferably without being a dick about it. If you are with someone now, I'd let them know that up front.

[Rowdyboy]

15. I would be extremely flattered, regardless of the sex of the author....

Since he's not part of your life now, what do you stand to lose? Take a chance....