Transgender: religion and cultural biases - a question, please?

[enlightenment]

I was hoping someone might share some insight - or a link or two - for a question that my son is dealing with at the moment.

He is doing an internship for his 'youth worker' programme (he moved to the UK and started school there, hoping to stay and work) and as part of the job he is running a discussion group for younger (teenagers and very young twenty-somethings) kids who are transitioning (or simply identifying as transgender). He is, as some of you may recall from my previous points, also transgender, so he is familiar with many of the problems these young people are facing.

He asked me if I could help him figure out how to help a young man whose mother rejected him when he decided to transition. It has apparently been a while, and the young man (he is in college, so late teens I think) wants to reconnect with her - his was a single-parent household so this is doubly important to him - but says that he's not sure how to go about doing that.

The first problem he has is religion - his mother is apparently a woman of great faith (some variety of Christian; I asked if he could determine which kind, since there are considerable differences in doctrine . . .). It is a problem both for the young man in question and for my son in trying to help, since he is not familiar with religion. My family was not particularly religious and I did not raise him in a religion (nor do I profess any sort of faith - let's just say we were 'faith-free' in my house). He was never encouraged, nor discouraged, from exploring spirituality of different types and did join friends occasionally when they went to their houses of worship . . . but nothing appealed or stuck. So he simply has little frame of reference.

The second problem complicating the issue is his mother's cultural background; though the young man was born in the UK, his mother is black Caribbean. My son explained that transgender is considered a major transgression of the norm in this culture - even more so than coming out as gay or lesbian. While the mother has lived in the UK for many years, she (and her son) have consistently lived within a large Caribbean community in London, so her attitude has not - apparently - been significantly modified by exposure to other value sets.

I am hoping that a DUer might be able to shed some light on the potential impact religion and culture have in this situation; not sure if it would help or hinder the young man but it might make things clearer for him. I've found a few website that talk about religion - but mostly from the perspective of the transgendered individual and their personal path. I've also found a number of frankly disturbing forums wherein people who profess great faith suggest that transgendered people are 'possessed', 'evil', 'sinners', 'wrong', 'godless' . . . well, you get the idea. (Reminded me why I'm not religious . . .) The prevalence of negative perception, backed up by selected quotes from the Bible, suggest that the normative position of most religions is not one of acceptance, unfortunately.

I've found very few specifics on transgender perception/acceptance/rejection in the Caribbean communities - most of the research is broadly GLBT with a focus on homosexuality (reasonable given the severity of the problems gay and lesbian individuals face in many of the nations of the Caribbean).

Thank you in advance - comments and suggestions are gratefully appreciated!

[avogadro]

1. I don't know what impact the christian religion migh have........

but here is a little insight on the potential muslim impact:
http://www.answeringmuslims.com/2011/04/muslims-burn-homosexuals-alive.html

[enlightenment]

4. Horrible - and unfortunately unsurprising.

I am constantly amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to preserve their belief.

As a parent, I cannot fathom how any parent can look at two things - their child and their 'faith' - and choose their faith. It is incomprehensible to me.

[ZombieHorde]

2. Religion and tradition. Handy tools, terrible masters. nt

[enlightenment]

5. Handy for many things, yes.

Unfortunate that one of the most often used is rejection of others.

I've always found the concept of 'Othering' (in Said's sense of the term and since applied to many other areas) fascinating; a real look into not only the collective psyche but also the individual as well.

It is obviously something intrinsic to many species, even if we choose to focus on the 'lion and the lamb' or the 'mother dog suckling a kitten' stories. It is very common for many animals (and even insects, I've read) to reject 'others'.

Interesting stuff to intellectualize about - awful when applied to living, breathing creatures.

[BanzaiBonnie]

3. I don't know specifics of the religious or cultural aspects

but I know that we are all human first and more alike than we are ever different. We all have the same needs.

I don't know if it will be possible for this young person to reconnect with his mother. It would be wonderful if it could happen.

But my need is to share a suggestion. If there is a possibility of finding a skilled counselor for Nonviolent Communication as taught by Marshall Rosenberg, there may be help in, if not caring for the needs of all involved, at least getting help in healing for the young person involved.

This is the most beautiful, healing practice I ever been involved with.


I've been involved with transgender folk and understand that many are in danger of losing everything just by being themselves. My heart is with them all.

[enlightenment]

6. I agree that this young man is going to be fighting an uphill

battle, and I'm glad that he has a support network available to him. I have discussed the idea with my son that it might (if the young man is lucky) simply be that his mother has not adjusted to his transition. It takes time - I grappled with many conflicting emotions for several years. Unlike this mom, I never rejected my child because I was confused about what he was doing, but let's face it - it's a tough thing to wrap your head around. As parents, we become accustomed to a certain status quo and the gender of our children is generally not something we spend a lot of time considering.

Anyway, long story short - I struggled to find an understanding so I kind of hope that perhaps this woman is simply struggling as well, but because of her religious belief and her cultural background she has rejected her son rather than chosen him over those externals. Maybe, just maybe, she will realise that he is - first, foremost, and only - her child, regardless of his gender.

I will suggest that my son look into Rosenberg's work; he may be familiar with it because of his studies. Thank you for the suggestion!

[The Philosopher]

7. Don't know what your son already has, but here goes.

My heart goes out him. Living in a highly religious community and being queer is hard enough; not having those who are supposed to be close to you and support you leave you to yourself makes it worse.

The first thing I'd do, if I was in your sons position, is have the young man contact The Trevor Project, as well as contact them myself. They're really good about helping with resources in your area and giving advice. It's all discreet, too, so there's nothing to be afraid about.

http://thetrevorproject.org/

I'd also contact PFLAG. They might be able to find other Caribbean families to offer advice; and if the mother ends up at least trying to reconnect with her son, then it'd be a good resource for her. It's going to be difficult for both of them.

http://www.pflag.org/

I can't speak Spanish, but an http://www.pahef.org/ourwork/46/151-latin-american-a-caribbean-transgender-rights-advocacy-organization-wins-clarence-h-moore-award-for-voluntary-service.html">article I found on Google translates REDLACTRANS as Latin America & Caribbean Transgender Network. And I'm too computer illiterate to get Google Translate to work on the page.

http://www.redlactrans.org.ar/


Hope any of that helps.

[enlightenment]

9. Thanks, Philosopher -

I'll pass the links along to him and let him do the digging for information. I know the PFLAG site is massive!

[Zorra]

8. Need more input. Is the young person in question "transsexual"?

Does this person self-identify as a young woman, or a young man?

On edit: Is this young person transitioning male-to-female, or female-to-male? Since you are referring to this young person as "he", it implies that this young person is transitioning female-to-male.

[enlightenment]

10. Good questions, Zorra.

I didn't ask my son, but assume since he has consistently referred to the young man as 'he' that he is FtM (as was my son before he completed his transition). I will also assume that he (the young man) self-identifies as male.

I can ask my son, but I'm pretty certain his use of the pronoun identifies the youth, since he commented that he had been 'separated' from his mother for some time . . . so his transition has been underway for at least a while now.

It is interesting that it makes a difference - though I can definitely see your point in asking. I wonder if the mother would have fewer issues if the youth were MtF?

[Zorra]

11. Not sure the cultural background really matters all that much.

Or the label, trans or gay, for that matter.

Generally speaking:

Many, probably most, LGBT persons have some problems with familial relationships. People in our families either accept us for who we are or they don't, or somewhere in between like a "walking on eggshells" thing. If they don't accept us, it is usually painful for us, and the non-accepting family member as well. Sometimes we maintain a (often drama filled) relationship with the non-accepting family member(s), but this has no bearing on altering our identities. Sometimes this drama filled relationship gets to be more than we can handle, and we have to cut off the relationship in order to stay sane. And sometimes vice-versa.

Sometimes, over time, the intolerant family member has an epiphany/experience that leads them to accept us and we reconcile. Yay! Sometimes this never happens. Whatever, we can still love our intolerant, estranged family members even if they don't accept us for who we are, though it generally makes us pretty sad because we know we are still the very same person they loved and accepted before they knew we were LGBT.

But we cannot change who we are for them, even if we wanted to, because it is impossible.

No one can tell this young man what he needs to do, that is his choice alone. But as to who he is, that is not a choice, and it is of paramount importance that he fully understands this and rids himself of any and all guilt for not being what his mother (and culture) wants and expects him to be. Once he does this, what he needs to do for himself regarding his relationship with his mom will most likely become clear to him and he can go from there.

And if I were your son, and the young man in question asked for my advice, this is pretty much what I would say to him.

[enlightenment]

13. I don't disagree, Zorra -

and understand that labels are pretty useless things in the overall scheme of things. That said - and I don't question why this was - I know that when my son was in the process of transitioning it was important to him to use the label/s and (for a while) gender-neutral pronouns.

As he progressed in his transition, the need for the the labels (and, thankfully, the unbelievably clunky gender-neutral pronouns) decreased.

Today, he prefers not to label himself at all and does not generally announce his transgender 'beginning' . . . he is a male human.

Of course 'male' and 'female' are also labels - and I think that the crux of the issue lies in the difference between gender and sexuality. For my son and presumably for the young man he is working with, it's not about who they are attracted to, it is about their physical bodies, their mental character map, their relationship with the world defined - as with all of us - by initial perception. While it may define us to a degree, we do not 'wear' our sexuality; we do wear our bodies.

I suppose what I'm trying to say (poorly) is that while I agree with your position on familial relationships, I think for transgender youth that the label/s are important to them - at least for a while. I don't pretend to understand completely and realise that I am dealing with a small sample size (my son and perhaps a dozen of his friends) when I make that assessment.

You advice is good and I will pass it along to my son. He is learning this skill of counseling, so ideas and perspectives are exactly what he needs - if he knew how to help this young man he would not have asked for my help.

[Zorra]

15. The reason that I mentioned labels, and cultures, in this case,

is that so many LGBT persons go through somewhat similar family crises, and it probably would not make a whole lot of difference if the young man in question was trans or gay, or what culture he was from. How we commonly deal with this phenomenon is often relatively similar.

I totally understand how important it is for transsexual persons to be referred to, and be recognized, in their appropriate gender by others, it is a validation and recognition of their real self.

Sorry I was not clear on that, my "bad".

You are a super awesome mom, hon, very well done, we should all be so lucky as your son is. And I'm sure he totally adores you.
:hug:

[enlightenment]

16. Hey - no need to apologise for anything!

I appreciate the thoughtful feedback, comments, and advice. :)

And thank you for the compliment, but honestly I haven't done anything except what I believe is what we're supposed to do with our kids - love them unconditionally.

We don't have to LIKE them all the time, but those bumps in the road shouldn't destroy the engine.

[Cronus Protagonist]

12. Ask him to write her a letter and burn it

Let God sort it out. This, while apparently flippant, is not intended to be. I'm serious - it will relieve the burden on him and will not force unwanted information onto one who chooses to have a closed mind on such matters.

[enlightenment]

14. An interesting idea.

I will pass it along! I don't know if the young man is religious or fatalistic, but it's worth running by him, I think.

[Evasporque]

17. Best advice is try a few times...then let it go.

Make a good effort at reconciliation but it take both sides to do so... if the parent refuses reconciliation the sad truth for the transgender person is to let them go.

A letter with contact information saying how they feel about them and then leave the door open for them to contact.

You can't change how people feel or the influence their religion has on them. Many deeply religious people will chose their religious beliefs and church membership over loved ones. They either come around or they don't. If they refuse to acknowledge your identity then they have chosen to reject you. The best option is to let if go....and let time heal the relationship...

[RetiredTrotskyite]

18. I Feel For This Man

At least my late mother accepted my desire to transition. I cannot due to age and health problems as is the case with my husband, but we are gay men inside. It is terrible when the one person a child feeling that they can go to for love and support is likely to reject them. I hope this young man finds the support he needs to be able to transition.