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I wrote this one as a little parody. Figured I'd share. ;)
POPE ANNOUNCES EFFORT TO "DEHOMOFY" THE VATICAN
ROME -- In the aftermath of its controversial new policy banning gays in the priesthood, Benedict Ratzinger increased his campaign to degayify the Roman Catholic Church.
"It was really disturbing to me, to realise the extent to which the church was being taken over by gay influences," said the staid and grey man. "We had always pursued efforts to eliminate individuality and attempt to force people into staid roles as either baby makers or baby raisers, but those damn homo individualists slipped in regardless."
The Pontiff noted that his "no homo no mo" campaign is expected to kick off this year. In addition to the Vatican's ongoing campaigns against dehumanising secular concepts like gay priests, gay marriage, and women's suffrage, this campaign is expected to receive significant attention and funding -- starting within the Vatican itself.
Ratzinger has highlighted several areas of concern and unveiled his plans for each.
* Arts. "The Sistene Chapel, apparently, was painted by a shameless queer!" shouts one of his aides, "and it's been spreading its gay message to attendees for hundreds of years!" To mitigate this influence, which the Church blames for scandals sweeping it throughout the globe, the Vatican has decided to paint over the offending "art" with a "suitable beige colour" which is less offensive.
* Church practice. "The invasion of the homosexual agenda into our rituals is shocking," notes the Pontiff. "For instance, the other day I was getting dressed for High Mass when I realised that I was getting into a colour-coordinated dress AND scarf! How did this happen?"
The Pontiff decided, instead, to get into slacks and a shirt. "I'll show them who wears the pants around these parts," he says, resolve in his voice. The new "dedressing" campaign will replace the colourful vestments of gaeity with beige shirts and slacks designed by Britain's Primark PLC.
The degaying campaign in ritual will also remove a number of other things:
- Incense braziers. "It's bad enough they've managed to get the priest to swing a purse around," says the unamused Pope, "but making it a flaming purse that smells sweet is WAY over the top." Starting next year, priests will begin burning bits of rubber in bronze buckets, to eliminate gay odours and pomp.
- Prayers. "How outrageous, is this 'take this and eat it' stuff?" asked the Pontiff. From now on, the words will be "here's Jesus, you know what to do."
- Church decorations. "Look at a western church these days. Big, colourful windows, tasteful decorations, timeless design, flower arrangements, expensive and tasteful furniture, and even a nicely appointed table up front. This is the CHURCH, not a gay decorator's convention," says Ratizinger's aide. Churches across America are expected to be first in replacing their designs with simple folding chairs and a concrete block up front. Money from the sale of "gay churches" will be used for "miscellaneous legal bills."
Church spokesman Norm Alhetero says that the Church is taking its de-gay-i-fication process very seriously. "I mean, look at these homos. Except for all the art, design, prayers, illustrated Bibles, ministering, and warm non-married bodies they've provided us, what have they REALLY done for the Church? It's time they left."
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