Coming out as Bi

[ThomCat]

I'm dating a woman for the first time in 15 years. Aside from the weirdness of that, I have to let me friends know whats up because we have a lot of mutual friends.

So I'm coming out all over again.

Any personal experience, warnings or advice? This whole situation is nice, but a bit uncomfortable so some good feedback would be appreciated.

...

On a separate note. My dear old mom already knows, and she's already being much more friendly and talkative. Apparently I'm a better son now that I'm dating a woman.
:eyes:

[yellowcanine]

1. I am curious about that. Are there "gay leaning" Bis and "straight"

leaning Bis? Or do individuals go through "gay" phases and "straight" phases? As a biologist I have a hypothesis that most bi people will start out more straight and then switch after he/she reproduces. Maybe you don't have the answer to this. That's ok too.

[Blutodog]

3. Bi or Gay

In Brazil it's only gay if your on the recieving end if ur a guy. Interesting how different cultures view this behavior. In the Navy before women joined the fleet they had a saying it's not gay while the ships under way. It seems both sexes under situational stress will become Bi.

[ThomCat]

4. I've got the feeling it's a bit fluid, over a long period of time.

Sexuality is fixed at any given moment, but changes within some given range over time.

But how or how much? :shrug:

What do I know? I wouldn't be asking if I really had a clue.

[TechBear_Seattle]

6. Sexuality is a continuum

You might find it useful to use an integer scale from 0 to 100, with 0 being absolutely different sex and 100 being absolutely same sex. Most people stay in the same general area most of their lives -- I would put myself between 85 and 90 -- but some people have a much wider range than others.

Personally, I don't think it is a matter of "phases" so much as being attracted to the person rather than the gender. Maybe there should be a second scale, one that reflects how important gender is for a person with regards to physical intimacy.

On the down side, though, keep in mind: a bi friend has told me that it is far more depressing to stay home alone on Saturday night as bisexual, as that means that you've been turned down by twice as many people as us more monosexual folk. :nopity:

[ThomCat]

16. I think you're right.

The scale works, but there needs to be a second scale that indicates how important the individual person is rather than just their gender.

I'm probably in the 55-80 range. Women can be beautify, wonderful and sexy (which I can very much notice and appreciate) but I'm not interested until it's the individual that I'm interested in.

Your post has me thinking. Good points.

[Zhade]

24. That's an interesting idea.

I can tell you this - I didn't even admit to myself I was bisexual until after we had a son (no longer married) and now I've noticed that while I'm bi, my gay "side" is reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyy gay.

Make of it what you will.

[yellowcanine]

28. Wow I have 1 data point that supports my hypothesis. If I were Fristy I

could write a paper.

[yellowcanine]

29. Actually I guess it is safe to say this here....I have always considered

myself straight as the day is long. But I have noticed these....err...
"feelings" toward some individuals of the same gender (male) ever since my two daughters have been more or less "on their own".

As you said, make of it what you will.

[ThomCat]

30. I hope very much that it is safe to say that here.

:)

By the way, if nobody else has congratulated you yet for your openness and honesty, Congratulations.
:toast:

[Zhade]

31. Very safe.

I echo the other poster on your courage and honesty, btw!

:toast:

[roguevalley]

2. sometimes, my love, we disclose things that don't

require disclosure. Answer questions as they come up. Nothing in the rule book says you have to say anything. If you are comfortable, do it. Don't feel compelled to if you don't feel good about doing so. :)

[ThomCat]

5. Thanks.

My concern is that not disclosing starts to get uncomfortable too. I have to remember who knows and who doesn't.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

7. As a straight woman

I'd probably drive you nuts and ask too many questions. Not about sex, but just about the gay-bi culture.

And you should pay me on the shoulder and say, "You know, Grannie, you're a nice old gal. But you need to just zip it, okay?"

tg

[ThomCat]

8. Feel free to ask

We all ask questions. And sometimes we might even have some answers. The discussion might turn into something cool.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

12. Okay, I will

Here's what confuses me. I believe the actual act of sex can be stimulating with anyone or anything, it doesn't much matter. Where I find myself backing away (or at least I did in college) was the intimacy with another woman. Not sex...intimate living together, cuddling, kissing, etc. Like one issue for me (oh, man, I hope this isn't going too far) is dealing with another woman's cycles and not to mention PMS. I just couldn't do that.

On the other hand, I know a number of gay women who are very masculine and I find myself responding to them as if they were men. I don't mean sexually, because I'm damned near 60 and not likely to go out looking for love in all the wrong places. But just finding them male and attractive. And yet if I were to fantasize myself with them, something would be missing. really missing.

Gender issues blow my mind.

How are you able to move through these areas? Does it take a while?

[ThomCat]

13. Others may post for themselves

but I'm not having much difficulty adjusting to dealing with intimicy with my GF. It's no different that intimacy with a BF. The physics may be different but the chemistry is the same.

It has already been mentioned that it's more about the person than the gender. I've been thinking about that since that post went up.

I tend to like moderately masculine men. Guys. Not testosterone machines and but not fems. But I've gone outside those bounds for guys I liked. So I don't know how important gender rolls are. Maybe not at all except as general preferences.

I'm still figuring out this whole thing about dating a woman again, so that's less certain here. I don't know if I'd care about how masculine or feminine my GF is.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. i am bi

and everytime i date any gender for an extended period of time...people forget i am bi, so i have to do the coming out thing again...its very annoying...

[ThomCat]

10. I can see how that ties in to what I'm seeing.

There's this pressure from people to be either Straight or Gay.

I have friends who refuse to refer to my GF as my GF. I have other friends who seem to think I've been rescued.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. yes my mom is excited every time i am straight

and my gay friends look at me all weird...like i am selling out...

[TallahasseeGrannie]

14. I sense some negativity

about bisexuality from gay friends. My imagination?

[ThomCat]

15. Not your imagination.

I'm feeling it.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. its cos people think you are taking the easy way out

easy being straight...

[ThomCat]

18. Oh yeah, because this is so easy.

:rofl:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. i dont think it is

but a lot of gay people do think so

[ThomCat]

20. I know.

I wasn't laughing at you. I promise.

I know that you can present ideas without subscribing to them. :)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. i think people are just envious that you have someone to love

and they dont!

screw them!

[Zhade]

25. Sadly, no. It happens.

I get the "you're really just gay" thing sometimes. Drives me up the wall - as if I don't know myself.

Bi and large (HA! See what I did there? :P) people worth knowing accept it about me, no problem.

But I do sense some skepticism about bisexuality as a concept from certain segments of queerdom.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

27. Maybe it is just envy

that you have so many options! While the rest of us are romantically cut off from half the population.

[ThomCat]

22. btw: Her name is Miriam

She's a person, not just a title (Girl Friend). So I thought I'd share her name.

:)

[swimmernsecretsea]

23. Thank you for talking about this on this board.

I hope you enjoy many moments of happiness with Miriam. What people think doesn't matter. How you care for the one you love does. How you've treated her and thought of her will be what you remember years later.

My brother's wife's brother is bisexual, and my last boyfriend is. I have to admit to a bit of judgement in myself, but I kept that to myself, and learned a great deal because of it. I know many men and women who identify themselves as homosexual here in San Francisco are afraid of the concept of bisexuality, but things have greatly improved. What really bent my mind was finding out how much internalized homophobia was in the gay/lesbian community through knowing two people who are bisexual. The apparent relief of straight family members and their efforts to encourage a bi family member to continue in straight relationships was also sad.

[xchrom]

26. ''be'' as you see fit.

i feel strongly that within the parameters of '' do unto others'' -- it's your life.

and sexuality is always on a continuum.

as a gay man i've had sexual relations with women -- and one pretty long affair with a woman.
but i didn't identify as anything but gay.

i've even had a play buddy who was a lesbian. she does not identify as anything but lesbian.

my last two affairs were with bisexual men -- one married and one living with a woman.

neither of those men could be described as 50/50 bi.

because of age or whatever -- i've had all kinds of sex with men who identify as gay -- but also lots of sex with men who identify as nothing but straight.

i don't think it's ''easier'' to be one or the other -- i think you find something that you're comfortable with.

''coming out'' again and again may just be part of the process of being bi .