I just found out my childhood best friend Died Saturday.

[Up2Late]

He was Gay, but I don't think that was a factor in his death.

This is part of what his Sister sent me regarding how he died:

Dear ---,

It is with an incredibly sad and heavy heart that I write to tell you
my brother, Randall Atwater passed away last night at 6:22 p.m. at
Elkhart General Hospital. The doctors say that he basically developed an
overwhelming blood infection, which ultimately destroyed his kidneys and
liver. While it probably took some time to manifest the devastating
shutdown of the organs, the disease itself probably manifested over quite a
long period of time. By the time he reached the hospital for his two and a
half day stay, he was already in a coma out of which he never came. The
only blessing is that he didn't suffer for an extremely long period of time.
I am ever so grateful that I could be with him toward and up to the end,
as we were extremely close. I shall miss him terribly....

His Obituary.
<http://www.etruth.com/Announcements/Obituary/ObituaryStory.aspx?id=379451>

Truth is, he was pretty much my only REAL friend, so now I don't really know what to do, so I thought I'd post something here. I'm not really sure why, I guess because a lot of you folks have dealt with the death of some of your friends over the years and could maybe give me some advice or just let me vent some of my confusion.

BTW, I'm 100% hetero, but was always a little socially retarded as a kid, due to a brain injury as a baby, which made me "different," and him being obviously Gay to everyone in our small Indiana town except me, we pretty much just had each other growing up.

We were friends for 32 years and we kept in touch for 20 years after we both left our small Indiana town, but lost touch about 5 1/2 years ago when he moved back to Indiana, and I bought a "fixer-upper" house down here in Georgia and couldn't keep up with all the e-mails he was sending me.

I wasn't the first time we lost touch for a time, he stopped talking to me without explanation for 3 1/2 years during High School, but we ran into each other in a McDonald's parking lot in Kokomo, Indiana, when we were both heading back to Collage after Christmas break, so I didn't think much of this break in communication, though it was getting a bit long.

I had been thinking about giving him a call for the last few months, but I guess now it's just too late. During the time I knew him, he told me he never practiced any "high risk behavior," but as I said, we lost touch about 5 1/2 years ago, so I can't speak for the last few years.

He never was one that who paid too much attention to a Doctors instructions and was not too happy about his diagnosis, in about 1999, of Manic/Depression (mostly Manic) after his suicide attempt. He didn't like taking his medication, as they took away the highs.

Sorry, I'm starting to ramble, I'm just not sure if I should try to go to the funeral on Wednesday. I don't currently have a job or any money, though I do have enough Delta Frequent Flier miles for a free ticket and don't really have anyone else to visit now.

I know some Airlines sometimes wave ticket rules for funerals, but this would be my first time trying that. Anyone know if Delta ever makes that kind of exception for frequent flier tickets? :shrug:

[madeline_con]

1. My heart is with you...

B@Peace. :hug:

[niyad]

2. I am so sorry for your loss. please take care of yourself, and do

whatever you think is best--not sure how delta does the funeral tickets, just call them. in the meantime, you know that the people here care, and you can come here to vent, be sad, whatever. will light a candle for him, and for you.

I lost one of my best friends a year ago, and the support and caring of our DU family this last week was incredible, helping me get through a very rough time. I know they will be here for you as well.

Peace

[Up2Late]

4. Thanks.

Hug back :hug:

[readmoreoften]

3. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

:(

I don't know about the tickets, but when I tried one time it didn't seem very cheap. I would call directly and have proof. I think you should go if you have the miles. You seem to really care about him and you might regret it if you don't.

[Up2Late]

18. Thanks...

...that's what I was thinking too (about the regrets).

[Behind the Aegis]

5. My condolences.

It is always sad to lose someone, but it is so painful to read it in an email.

About the airline tickets: they usually only do 'bereavement fares' for immediate family. I can tell you, it isn't always a deal. My partner lost his grandmother three days ago...the bereavement ticket was MORE than the 'normal' ticket.

Although good to express your feelings here, I hope you will talk to friends close to you to express your frustration, sadness, fear, or whatever you many be feeling.

If you want to ramble more, I hope you come back and pour your heart out. Tears are best shared with friends.

[ninkasi]

6. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend

Sometimes, there are people in our lives who we are close to, and consider the best of friends, whether we are in frequent contact or not. It sounds like this was the case with you and your friend. I don't know about the frequent flier tickets, but hope that if going to the funeral eases your soul, you will be able to go.

There are so many here on DU who are cyber friends, and who I will never meet in person. I hope that you will let us be your friends, and find comfort when you need to express your feelings. Losing a friend is like losing part of yourself, because there are things the two of you experienced together that now you must remember alone.

I hope that you will find peace, and that the void in your life that your friend filled will soon be healed. Sending peace and loving thoughts your way.

[roguevalley]

7. I don't know but most have compassionate fares for people who

have to go to funerals. Some are better than others. I am very sorry. Try all of them. This is very sad.

[xchrom]

8. you have my condolences.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

9. So sorry for your loss

Wish I was there to give you a hug and shed a few tears with you.

[papau]

10. May the Lord give you and your friend peace

We had yet another funeral this weekend - the 40 year old child of a grade school friend.

The helplessness and sadness are becoming all too common in my own life, and I understand how you must feel. As to your friend being gay, I would be extremely surprised if any you might meet would even note that fact in any way except in passing as they commemorated his life.

As others have said, 'bereavement fares' tend to be more than regular discounted fares, and they carry a need to show the airline proof that there was a funeral of the person you claimed to be your reason for flying, and some airlines have even asked for proof of the relationship.

Hugs - and Good luck

[Up2Late]

17. Thanks, and I hope things improve for you too...

...it always seems these things come in bunches. :hug:

I just checked Delta's 'bereavement fares,' and even if the still had them, an old friend doesn't qualify as "immediate family." Here's what they say on thier website:

"...Bereavement Fares are no longer necessary with SimpliFares™. The simplified fare structure offers last-minute airfares at an affordable price...,"

Delta defines immediate family as:

* Spouse
* Domestic partner
* Child
* Parent
* Sister
* Brother
* Stepparent
* Stepchild
* Grandparent
* Grandchild
* Aunt
* Uncle
* Niece
* Nephew
* Stepbrother
* Mother-in-law
* Father-in-law
* Son-in-law
* Daughter-in-law
* Brother-in-law
* Sister-in-law
* Stepsister

[dsc]

11. I as so sorry for your loss

School can be such a lonely place for the different. Those few friends tend to make all the difference. I hope you find peace.

[sui generis]

12. realistically, sounds like sepsis; could happen to anyone

I think that two things happen when we lose a friend or someone close to us. We lose their presence, and we lose all those memories that person shared with us; literally lose a part of yourself.

We all deal with it differently - some people do vigil, some people write a final letter and never mail it, some people destroy themselves, and some people procrastinate until it's far enough in the past that all the memories are dim and touched with regret.

Funerals are for the living. Maybe send a card and a letter to his parents / sibs, but the important thing is maybe take some time for yourself and sit down for a couple of hours and write down what you remember, what was important to you, what things are most special that you recall. If you have a picture, put it with the picture - it's for you, a way to work through, and it's a really good thing to do for your heart and to honor that piece of your friend that is you.

[Up2Late]

14. Thanks, I have a lot of photos and even some video from the late 80's

...and 1990.

I'm thinking about creating a web page as sort of an on-line Memorial for his friends and family.

I don't know how much medical knowledge you have, but what can cause this sort of sepsis? I should tell you, he was one of those people who never seemed to finish the antibiotics that doctors prescribed him, he usually quit taking them "when he felt better."

He also had allergic sinusitis, it might have been cronic, but I'm not sure. Could an untreated sinus infection result in sepsis?

[sui generis]

15. any kind of puncture wound or deep abrasion

so who knows. Some people can fight off anything and others can be fighting for their life from a scratch. If he had a chronic sinus infection sometimes that can weaken the immune system over time, or just letting a scratch get infected and not treating it until you have fever can put you in the hospital. It's doubtful sinusitis by itself would cause that; it just happens sometimes even in the best of circumstances when you're not being careful or ignoring signs of a wound infection.

Other people can get it from being very athletic in some cases - exposure to mat bacteria, or abrasion injuries such as from wrestling can sometimes put our bodies in contact with anti-biotic resistant bacteria from other humans. Who can say? If it was sepsis they should have been able to diagnose based on toxicology - certain bacteria produce certain forms of toxins that make us go into a hyper autoimmune reaction, and shock, which can lead to death very quickly. There's nothing to be done about it now though; there isn't always a great reason that we check out the way we sometimes do.

A web page is a good thing though; and it will give you a bit of focus and let you work through what you're feeling right now, and honor the memory of your friend. I say go for it -

-sui

[Not Me]

13. I am so sorry for your loss.

Even though you haven't seen him in a while, you still cherish his friendship and mourn his passing.
If possible*, please DO go to the funeral. You will be glad you did.

*Explain the situation to the Delta agent. They may be able to waive some rules in your case.

[Up2Late]

16. Thanks, looks like that's I will need to do it I decide to go...

...I just found this on their website:

"...Bereavement Fares are no longer necessary with SimpliFares™. The simplified fare structure offers last-minute airfares at an affordable price, and you can purchase your ticket at delta.com...."

<http://www.delta.com/planning_reservations/special_travel_needs/bereavement/index.jsp>

I see you are in Orlando, you wouldn't happen to work for Delta would you? I believe when he worked for Delta, he was based in Orlando.

If so, do you know the how to contact the personnel office? I'd like to send them his death notice too. I know he said he had a lot of friends there, but I doubt most would have gotten this news.

[Not Me]

19. I don't work for delta...

and was unable to find a local number for them here in Orlando; the local directories only list the 800 number. Sorry.

[bigwillq]

20. I am very sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[swimmernsecretsea]

21. Something similar happened to me also.

When I was attending Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, I shared a student apartment with my best friend Perry a film major, another friend Donald who was in Theater, and Randy, a dance major. I didn't take to Randy right away, but when we found out about things we had in common, we began to hang out more. I too was socially awkward—still am a bit. Randy was interested in so many things, and so well-rounded in his experiences. I looked up to him for his worldliness. He was very sharp and knowledgable about art, and since I was an art major I came to him for critiques. He had a great eye and in many ways he challenged me. We loved each other's company and enjoyed being with each other.

It wasn't all smooth. I think that made it even better. There were times we got on each others' nerves, but for all the right reasons, I think. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and have someone around me who'd kick my ass once in a while, but did it because they respected me and loved my work. I got confident enough to be as assertive back. But I think that when you love and respect the opinion of another person, they can be your muse and push you to be greater than you think you can be. I could get irritated with his looking over my shoulder at another drawing of mine and hear him say "that just needs to work better. I think it's a mess" and be all offended by it, but then go back and improve it. We'd talk about why it needed to be changed, think about what I was doing, and I could accept or reject what he'd said.

He was a bit fey, and moved gracefully from his dance training, but his strength was more than many masculine guys I know. He was physically powerful from dance training, and his strength wasn't just from his body, but how happy he was with himself. He didn't care what others thought of him. Our apartment was the "gay boy" apartment. It was the first time in my life I tried accepting who I was. He could never be anything less or more than himself. Just seeing that made me understand that when he was confident in his beliefs, and moved forward with what he wanted to do, that erased any misgivings anyone might have about him.

After he graduated, he left to be an instructor in Paris. I thought, good for him, going on to the City of Lights, becoming a dance instructor in a glamorous place. I went on to live my life, and make my own way. We'd lost touch for about five years, when I thought about writing to him and letting him know what our friendship meant. I contacted the Alumni association, and found that he'd passed away only the year before. I know how this sounds—Lifetime television. But I've thought about him many times over the last few years. Whenever I feel myself doubt my talent, or have lost a job or felt lost, or regretted something I did, or forget to let someone know how special I think they are, he's there with me.

[Up2Late]

22. Thanks for that...

...to be totally truthful, I really feel my friend is better off now. Last night I searched the internet and found something very sad:

<http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/healers/message/1749>

Healing Request

Randall Atwater has requested a Healing.

You can send response email to Ranmanat@...

Here is the request:

Name: Randall Atwater
Email: Ranmanat@...
Location: Bristol Indiana USA
Healing Request: depressed, out of work, feel blocked
from knowing/doing my life's purpose,
can't seem to make anything good
happen in my life.
May 31, 2000

That was about 2-3 months after my last contact with my friend.

I had told him not to move back home to Indiana, I knew he would be miserable there.

The saddest part is, I think he was actually living at home during the years and months before he died, but his parents always had a very large house and he always seemed to live a separate lives from them, so they probably didn't even know he was getting sick, and he was not the type to ask for help.

It wouldn't surprised me at all, if it turned out that his parents didn't even notice that he becoming deathly ill, until it was too late. I bet his Sister found him.

Another really strange thing is, I've always felt a little bit psychic, and told him when I was about 35 that I didn't think I would live past 42, because I just didn't mentally see any life beyond that point. Well, I'm 42 now, and my life is still dragging on into the future, but now he's dead. I guess I was a little off, but this definitely is a life changing event.

Stay strong, I'm getting better by the day, I can feel it.

Thanks again. :hug:

[swimmernsecretsea]

23. You stay strong too.

We are separated by space, and I can only do this electronically, but many here have wrapped their arms around you. We know what it means to have someone in your life who means something. That reaching out—that is so hard that when we find it we're grateful. Know that I'm thinking of your loss. You gifted each other by your friendship. Your talking about it made me think of Randy, and smile today.

[Up2Late]

24. Update: I did go to the memorial service and...

...it was AIDS. :(

Turns out, he tested positive in 1989 and told nobody except his family. He didn't even tell his closest friends (3 of them showed up, 4 if you count me) which presents a whole new set of problems. Should I try to track down some of his old friends to let then know? Is there some sort of networking list that tracks who's died?:shrug:

I'm glad I went though, the trip answered more questions than it raised.

[Katfish64]

25. funeral

Hi,
This is one of the 3 'friends'. Found your thread when I did a search of Randy's name. Lisa and I went out with Vickie last night. Answered a lot of questions we had. Vickie asked a lot as well. She will likely be in contact with you
It did give us a sense of closure. The weird thing, when we put our name in and sat in the lobby, the hostess stood right beside us and called "Randy, party of three" We all looked at each other, then she did it again and no one came. Then about 2 minutes later she called out "Vivien, party of two"
Okay now that made us all get immediate goosebumps. I still think he is around for a bit yet. Too many odd things have been happening.
Vickie gave us each one of his crystals.
Email me if you want, I think I may have answers for some of the questions.

Kat

[Up2Late]

27. Hey Kat! You found the site! Cool!

I'm still sort of recovering from the trip and all the new info.

I'll be e-mailing very soon, I might even sign up for one of the IM services.

Talk to ya soon.

:hug:

BTW, I added you to my Buddylist here, you can add me by clicking on the little person icon with the green plus sign at the top of my message.

[dsc]

26. That is rough man

We sometimes forget that even now people still let shame take over in the case of AIDS. I am glad you got some closure.