The First Week's the Worst (Remembering Manny...)

[Dem Agog]

It just hit me today, which is the two week-aversary marking the extremely sudden, and painful death of our 5 year old cat. He was in my arms, as we were rushing to the emergency clinic, when he finally died. It's not as calm to remember as it sounds. We were screaming his name, "Manny! Stay with us Manny!" as my husband ran red lights at 9:45PM on a cold Thursday night. I was trying to give him mouth to mouth, which I don't know how to do to a cat, but it turned out it wouldn't have worked anyway. The emergency vet gave us a diagnosis of "cardiomyopathy", the hidden heart disease that kills perfectly healthy athletes on the playing field too.

The first week's the worst. The first Friday without him, then the first Saturday, and Sunday. Then realizing you've spent your first weekend without one of your best friends, who seemed fine just Wednesday night.

The second week's at least not full of all the firsts. But it still hurts. And I still can't see straight through the tears everytime it comes back to my head. When I'm going to sleep I remember his last minutes, and it sends me into sobs. I don't know how people get by, knowing someone they loved and cared so much about struggled so painfully in their last minutes on earth. I honestly don't know how people live with that on their shoulders, especially when they lose a loved one violently.

People keep telling me "at least" he died in my arms, with a person he loved so much. But that's not helping. At times I wonder if it would take chopping my arms off to remove the painful feeling of my cat's life vanishing in them. But the memory would still be there.

Christmas sucks.

[lukasahero]

1. I'm so terribly sorry

I lost my 18 month old Theo to a blood clot due to cardiomyopathy Dec. 9th and know all too well the "firsts" and then the "not firsts" and this week I'm dealing with the guilt of not thinking about him every minute of every day.

I have no words of comfort to offer - there are none - only sympathy, empathy and compassion for your loss.

My uncle died last night and I can't imagine my aunt's pain and my friend lost her 15 yo dog to a car accident yesterday. I'd ask if this holiday season could suck more but I'm afraid I'd get an answer.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your Manny.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. So sorry!

My condolences -- just lost my Teddy last Saturday; I know it's a very, very tough thing.

RIP, Manny.

[Dem Agog]

3. Thank you Lukashero and Ocelot... and ...

Thanks to you both and my deepest condolences to you as well. Wow this has been a rough week or two for pet lovers.

I guess that grieving together beats grieving alone. Times like this I wish I could believe in an afterlife and a kitty heaven... But I just don't know what to believe, which isn't much comfort in itself.

[IndyOp]

11. After my parents died, before I turned 30, I realized that I

could "believe" and feel some comfort that they live on, that we still care about each other and feel that caring for and from each other. Or I could choose to not believe and feel alone, betrayed by life, and angry. I chose belief.

I believe that Manny knows you are suffering and that he would want your suffering to be eased.

Whatever you believe - it may help you to create a spot to honor Manny in your home somewhere - maybe on a table or on a mantlepiece or bookshelf. Arrange pics, a special toy, and 'offerings' - flower, feather, poems. Write letters about your favorite moments with him and about how you are feeling. Go sit there at least once a day and cry your heart out, until one day you can sit and feel comforted.

Many Buddhists believe that the soul stays on this plane until it is ready to move on. Keep your heart open to him. You can still comfort Manny, help him over the fear he felt at his sudden death and he can comfort you with the fear and rage you feel at having seen your innocent baby suffer.

Wherever he is now he *is* feeling peace.

Mitasukye Oyasin.
(For all beings everywhere.)

[demnan]

4. I'm so sorry for all of you!

Isn't it awful that we suffer in preportion to how much we love our pets! I remember Thanksgiving years ago when my older cat Howard died from an old age cat disease he had stoicly hidden from us. I remember walking into the examination room (the vet had called to give us the grim diagnosis - that he was in a lot of pain and should be put to sleep). When my mother and I walked in the room he purred so loudly it made me weep.

:hug:

[superconnected]

5. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

It's been 9 days since I lost my tuxedo cat, so I know it's not easy. You're right the first week is the very worst.

I hope you can find some comfort in this time.

I know people don't want to be told to get another animal so quickly, but really I went the route where I didn't get an animal for 7 years once and it made me keep turning and looking for the dog I lost. Don't wait soo long. My 18yo cat crept back to my bed and has stayed with me every night since Tux died and that does help.

Christmas doesn't totally suck.

If you hang out here and look at the peoples pictures they can put a smile on your face.

[Lorien]

6. I know exactly how you feel. My beloved Peewee died of cardiomyopathy

moments before I arrived at the vet to pick him up. I still remember the feel of his limp body as they placed it in my arms, still warm.He was the cat that changed me from a "dog person" to a "cat and dog person", he was the best cat I ever had and my best friend. It hurts like hell, even today, more than two years later.People have criticized me for buying purebred cats (Oberon and Puck) as companions for Miro, who was as sick with grief as I was after losing our dear Wee.But I wanted a piece of paper that said "Stud-screened HCM free" and "Queen-screened HCM free"; once you've lost a furchild to HCM (cardiomyopathy), you NEVER want to face that horrific disease again!It's so cruel and unfair. I wish I could take the pain away for both of us, but all I can do is to give you a cyberspace :hug:

Peewee 1988-2003




:cry:

[Eurobabe]

7. Hugs Dem Agog

So sorry to hear about your precious pet. It's tough to lose a furkid, and at such a tender age. I think I would die of a broken heart if anything happened to my Daemon. So many good DU'ers have lost their pets this month, something is transiting backwards!!

May Manny be resting in a field of mice and catnip. -The 48 family

[Grateful for Hope]

8. I am so sorry for the loss of your Manny

The suddenness of it must make the pain that much more to bear.


:cry:

[roguevalley]

9. its these moments that are the worst, when you look around and they

aren't there. The sig line has my Tippy. I started a desktop diary for him on March 30th, the day after he died because it helped me to pour my anguish onto the page. I still keep it. His picture is on my desktop and his twin in my lap. He's my sig baby, my soon. Only time will help you, honey. Hugs to you and yours. Be comforted that it wasn't something that could have been fixed if only ___________. It was beyond your control. Bless you and yours.

RV, been there, done that.

[ET Awful]

10. My condolences Dem Agog

First a big :hug:, then a little :cry:.

RIP Manny, it sounds like you were one very well-loved kitty :(

[virgdem]

12. My deepest condolences to you..

on your painful loss. I know your pain. I too lost a beloved cat, Cleo, to cardiomyopathy 2 years ago. She almost made it to 12 years. I found her dead in her room, and that was one of the most awful experiences I have ever had. I had her cremated and she and another of my beloved cats sit side by side on the mantle of my fireplace. From personal experience, the first year is the hardest, although I still do cry from time to time. But, time does heal the heart, and it will get easier over time. I wish you a good holiday season, despite your loss.

[CottonBear]

13. I am so sorry for your loss Dem Agog.

:cry: Manny was so very lucky to have you and your husband and you were both blessed to have him in your life. You'll never forget him.
In time, he will not seem so far away. His spirit will draw closer to you. I know it's hard now. :cry:
:hug: Peace. CB

[Dem Agog]

14. If I wrote out all the individual thank yous to each post...

If I wrote out an individual thank you to each post, this thread would be so long... and I'm not that fast a typist.

I just want to say that sharing with fellow pet lovers, with people who truly understand how deep a place Manny held in our hearts, has helped immensely. Every time I see someone's responded I eagerly check the thread, and the tears flow over again, but less painful than the last time.

I'm actually a little relieved to hear others have lost cats due to cardiomyopathy too. My first precious cat was 18 when he died of stomach cancer. I had no idea cardiomyopathy killed cats, and I felt so guilty afterwards, for not knowing, for not asking the vet (who totally missed the diagnosis, and he'd been to the vet just that morning) to do more testing.

I appreciate the condolences, the well wishes and the hugs from strangers more than you all can realize. And I appreciate the advice left to me on believing, on meditation, on focusing on him and crying my heart out every day until I get to the point where I find comfort in his memory, not just the pain that I feel right now.

There we go ... I'm crying again. Seems to be a fairly persistent emotional response these days. Thank you all so much. Thank you thank you thank you, and please tonight hug your little boys and girls (four legged varieties, but two legged varieties too if you wish) a little extra hard for Manny.

Thank you - Catherine

[Jo March]

15. I'm so sorry, Dem

I know how it feels. On 12/23/1998, my beloved Patches gave her last breath in my arms. I remember saying, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" over and over again. The first week is the hardest when you call and they aren't there and then you realize that they aren't there.

Honey, you just put your head down and cry. It will help. Allow yourself to mourn. It will take time. It will take a lot of time and don't let anyone tell you that you should "get over it" or "move on" or anything like that. You take your time and work through this.

I understand about wanting to chop your arms off but your arms touched that sweet baby in his last moments. I would not have wanted my Patches to die without feeling me. He left this life violently but he had you and that was a comfort to him. I'm sure of it.

:hug: to you.