Help for my battered soul... PLEASE!!!

[davsand]

Today has been awful and I am not sure what to even do to get my head around it all. This is all work related--every bit of it.

The root of it all is in my boss. I am a Chief Deputy to a (local)government official. I've talked some about the kind of things I'm working on--things that can and ARE having an impact in a lot of people's lives--but my role has been lessened in the last year--not by my choice.

I was approached by the local Dem party about going back into the appointed office where this all began. They want to put me back in there and let me do the work I love. I discussed it with them--with my boss's full knowledge and (he SAID) support.

I fought a horrible battle with my own sense of ethics and ended up declining the offer-because it would have meant screwing someone over to do it. I walked away from the one thing I want most right now because I didn't want to hurt anyone to get it. Frankly, I wasn't sure I would be ABLE to say no, but I managed to do it.

I wish I could say my decision to decline the offer was all due to my high level of ethics, but I am acutely aware of the fact that this appointment would be for two years and then I'll probably be forced out by the Republicans.

I am miserable where I am at now. I'm not talking about your average garden variety miserable--I'm talking so horribly miserable that I'm having to take Xanax to sleep. I'm so wrung out by the end of the work week that I just sit in a chair for a lot of the weekend--all the while dreading going back on Monday.

Every day there is a new battle and I am feeling like I live in a trench. My boss is literally paranoid to the point that his wife actually called me a couple of weeks ago asking if I thought he was doing "OK" or was he losing his grip... Other people outside our office have called him paranoid--to his face.

I think the thing that freaks me out most about this whole situation is how my boss keeps telling me that people I've trusted are just leading me around--or "not really your friends." It is sounding more and more like some kind of domestic abuse relationship every day--and it is an OFFICE. That sorry SOB has tried to isolate me.

Anyway, to cut to today, my boss tells me that I should "reconsider" my decision not to take that appointment. He feels I am not "loyal" to him and that I should no longer work for him if my loyalty is questionable. He tells me that he was 'disappointed" that I even considered taking that political appointment and I have left him with serious doubts about my ability to work for him.

I walked out of his office, called the local party chair and set up a meeting. I laid it ALL out for her--even the paranoia (which she knew about) and the abusive behaviors. This guy is NOT flying under the radar--they KNOW he's headed for a meltdown.

I actually broke down trying to tell her what had happened. I just feel so betrayed and so brutalized. I'm a lot of stuff--but one thing I am not known for is crying. I think that may have freaked her out more than anything I could have told her verbally.

The last thing she said to me was "...don't quit. Please don't quit."

I got out of the office today with no further incident, but I seriously don't want to go back in the morning. I am not scared for my physical safety, but I am scared of what is coming down the road. I'm also just bruised to hell emotionally.

Any ideas or feelings that you guys get from this? Any outsider insights? Advice for ways of coping?

Thanks for letting me vent.


Laura

[Desertrose]

1. Oh wow...I feel for you davsand....

You are certainly in a tough spot....

Is there any way you could call in sick tomorrow -take the rest of the week off, just to give yourself some breathing space and at the same time get your head together a bit plus you'd be getting yourself out of that totally unbalanced energy...

You say your old job is the one thing you want the most.....they obviously wanted you thre and now your boss is saying you should take it.....hmmm. I understand you don't want to screw over someone else, but what are you doing to yourself? You are at the point of needing meds to sleep and doing the zombie thing all weekend just to recover from the insanity of the week. I would say if that were me, I'd get the hell out of there.period.

Sometimes you have to do what is best for you and let the chips fall where they may. (Maybe the person you are afraid of hurting needs to move on ..... I don't know and its hard to say...but ultimately, we can only make decisions for ourselves and we can't control or "do" others lessons for them.)

I see like this:
1) You are very unhappy where you currently are.
2)The boss is unstable and the situation is miserable if not abusive.
3)You have been offered a job you enjoy and they want you there.
4) This job would make you happy and your life less "traumatic"


who knows, this may simply be a stepping stone to something even better in the next few years....I wonder sometimes if we simply need to love ourselves enough to give ourselves the best or only accept the best. (I know I am learning this one big time...we don't have to be miserable...and we are not meant to be miserable.:) )

I don't know if any of this rambling helps....just know that I am sending you lots of :hug: :hug:

(Do you have any cards to draw on this situation?? Sometimes that helps me....)

Hang in...it will get better....:loveya: DR

[davsand]

2. Yes, I am planning to take tomorrow off.

I have got to get centered before I deal with him again. I can't be constructive right now. I've been crying off and on all day. Tonight I just tried to escape with comedy TV and time with my daughter.

I will meditate on the idea that maybe I am cheating myself with this refusal. Maybe it is a matter of my own needs coming up and smacking me in the back of the head--I dunno. That had not occurred to me.

Thanks for caring. This has just been awful, and I have never been in this kind of toxic work relationship. I am amazed at how it has messed me up...

Laura

[Desertrose]

3. check out Eloriel's latest helpful thread....

LINK http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x4645

Also, do you have any white sage or cedar smudge to clear your energy fields of this guy's energy?? If not, maybe incense?? If so, just smudge from your head to your feet and visualize the dark murkiness just dissipating as you work the smoke around you. (you can do it without but the smoke really helps)

If you don't have any smudge, when you shower, visualize the water doing the same thing- washing away the negativity...you can also ask your guides, angels or whoever, to help clear you and give you clarity.

Good for you enjoying some comedy & daughter time :thumbsup:

I know...it is SO hard once we get unbalanced. Just ask yourself if there was nothing in your way...what do you really want ?

:hug: DR

Glad you are giving yourself space....you gotta take care of you, no one else can do it. (One of my lessons for sure! :evilgrin: )

[Pallas180]

4. OK Davsand. You asked so I'm gonna tell. You know how

tough I can be - but only when someone can handle it and needs to have it thrown at them.

1) Job you love turned down - excuse me. I'm going to go get my hammer and nails so I can help you tack yourself up to that cross.
Did you say your last name is martyr?


2)cause it would only be for two years - puhleez. Who knows where we'll all be or what we'll be doing in two years. And a political appointment - and your telling me that you won't meet people who could further you into other positions that you love?

Duh.

Duh.

Just don't accept or make the change when Mercury is retrograde.

Either start right now...Monday...or you have to wait until April 12.


If I were you I would walk my feet over to that office and tell them
you're boss knows you were offered the job, he says to take it...and you'd like to start immediately !!!!

What part of misplaced loyalty don;t you understand, sweety?

[2Design]

5. get your priorities straight -

your love of a job and support and you turn it down

you say it is so you don't hurt someone else - perhaps they have another path and you are 'monkey'ing' with God's path by not following your own

get yourself into this new job that you would love - help yourself and lots of others -

the other person will move along on their own path - it is up to God to work with them - not you - God is working with you by giving you the desire

Go for it
the only thing stopping you is fear of the unknown

[davsand]

6. I do love you guys!

I am in the process of making that appointment happen. It will mean less money per year, but that just doesn't matter a whole lot next to the mental uproar that I've been living with since I came into this guy's orbit.

Just to share a little tidbit about how much clarity a night's sleep can bring; Last night I dreamed I was in some house that was just wall to wall cat poop. You could not walk without stepping in it. Even the beds were just full of it.

In the dream, I went outside and the back yard was also covered in animal feces. I looked out a front window and the front yard was clean. I walked out the front door...

Not TOO much of a message--eh? I guess there are none so blind as those who refuse to see, and it would seem that I have been in some pretty big blinders...

The state will have to certify me for this appointment and that will probably not happen until sometime in late April or May. (It is now in the works, but this stuff just doesn't move terribly fast.) It is looking like my term will begin June One.

I've talked to my fellow Board members, and they support this fully. Once they heard about yesterday's altercation, they got pissed off, and I'm not sure the fallout will be terribly happy for my (soon to be former) boss. Personally, I don't exactly wish him ill--I mostly just wish him AWAY, and I'm looking forward to being away from him soon. One suggestion they made was that I get "sick" a lot in the next couple months, and they may well be right about that...

I am going to begin the process of ridding myself of his influence, and am seriously thinking of "enclosing" my office so that he'll feel odd when he's in here. I figure I should have at least ONE part of the day that I don't have to put up with his shit--ya know?

Brightest blessings on you all--you have no idea how much I appreciate your truths and caring.


Laura

[Behind the Aegis]

7. A few cents from me

I feel for you, dear! We have chatted before, so I really feel you are just a kind soul moving through life. I say this to many people..."sometimes you have to be selfish!" I understand it may not be in your nature, but sometimes you have to do what is best for YOU! You looked at an opportunity, that you wanted, and turned it down...perhaps the gods were giving you a gift! :)

I wish you the best.

Brightest Blessings!

[Nancy Waterman]

8. Definitely the right decision

But it may turnout best for the old boss, too. Your leaving could be a catalyst for change to happen to and around him. It is very hard to leave abusive relationships. They become an energy lock, with a lot of guilt and self-distrust for the abusee. Anyway, stick to your guns. You are defintiely doing the right thing!

[Eloriel]

9. Oh, honey --

Others have already answered, and you've gotten your own excellent insight, but I can't help but join the chorus.

I was going to say more, but really I can't put it any better than this quote from one of my favorite books, Living with Joy channeled by Sonaya Roman:

If every single person spent tuime only where he accomplished the greatest good for himself and the person he was with, the world would change in a day. It is important to spend time in ways that promote your highest good. If something is not for your highest good, I can guarantee that it is not for the highest good of the planet or others either.

You may ask, what am I here to do that will bring me joy? Each one of you has things that you love to do. there is not one person alive who does not have something he loves to do. What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do.

Put another way (paraphrasing a friend of mine some years ago): Why do you think God gave you that to love? SO YOU WOULD DO IT!! :D

As for the few weeks until this happens, I'm about to post something to my Spiritual Emergency thread that I'll hope you'll read and at least think about. It might be helpful.

[Pallas180]

11. Eloriel, I love that and am going to print it up for my bulletin board:

It is important to spend time in ways that promote your highest good. If something is not for your highest good, I can guarantee that it is not for the highest good of the planet or others either.
You may ask, what am I here to do that will bring me joy? Each one of you has things that you love to do. there is not one person alive who does not have something he loves to do. What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do.

[davsand]

14. Eloriel, you are right--I can't retreat.

You are dead on with your suggestion about expanding rather than contracting. I can't retreat right now--it'd be wrong on a lot of levels.

Once I get the negative stuff cleared I will have to work to replace it with the positive energy that we all need. Your technique should work perfectly for that.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank You!!!


Laura

[Cleita]

10. Oh, I'm such a wet dishrag about situations like this and I

feel your indecision. However, one thing that helps me put things in perspective is that you should never accept an abusive situation that you can change. I know sometimes we have to endure when we have no choice but you have a choice. Move on and out of that place.

Others have given you such excellent advice that the only other thing I have to offer is this, immerse yourself in lavender this weekend.
When I feel bad, lavender makes me feel better; lavender soap, lavender candles, anything scented with lavender even tea steeped with lavender gives me a lift.

May this all work out for you. :hug:

[Pallas180]

12. Davsand, by the way, did you read this?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x4629

it applies.

:hi:

[davsand]

13. Give me a sec to climb out of this hole --then I'll look--OK?

I had read it the other day and had a good giggle at my own expense. After the last couple days I've had to re-examine what chapter I'm in, however.

Sometimes stuff comes up and smacks me in the head. I know I wear blinders on some things--and this has been one of them.

Years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I was stalked for over a year after I ended the physical relationship. I can't begin to explain how it got to that point, but it happened and it took me a long time to come to accept that I'd been down that road.

I was lucky--I got out before it was escalated to serious physical damage. I had a severe issue with self image and depression afterward, however. That was over 20 years ago and my response to a second abusive relationship (this one) was equally visceral and emotional even if the context was different (office rather than love.)

I had counseling the first time, and I studied martial arts. I figured that I needed to stay alive both physically AND mentally.

I didn't spot the mental and physical issues as they were first creeping out that first time. The insomnia, the paralytic sense that there is no way out, even the depression--THIS time I did manage to spot it earlier and am now dealing with it. In some ways, I guess my self awareness has grown.

In other ways I wonder if I learned anything to have fallen back into that cycle of abuse again. I marvel at how I deliberately didn't choose to see the warning signs this time. I am amazed that I didn't spot the blame and the constant battle for control that comprises the tactics of an abusive person.

That old "shoulda/woulda/coulda game" still holds on. I realize I have much work left to do even in my middle age...

One image that comes to me this time--and it did in the first abusive relationship too--is the 13th card of the major arcana--Death (or transformation) Small wonder I've been having the flashes of images and the visitors of late--eh? The Fool really is protected on his journey, and times like this serve to remind me of that fact.

I have ALWAYS managed to find rebirth in times like this, and I have excellent opportunities ahead of me this time. Certainly, this time I will be surrounded by people who will value and support me. Much healing and discovery can happen in times like this. I am blessed if I only open my eyes long enough to see it.

Thank you, Pallas, for your love and caring. You have been so very kind to me, I can never adequately express my thanks. Each of the DUers in here have been a big source of comfort to me at one time or another, however you have become very dear to me (maybe it is that bluntness!) ;)

Peace.


Laura

[Pallas180]

15. Davsand, Pluto

everything you are talking about is Pluto - the powerplays, the pressure, sneaking up on you - you unaware until in the middle of it, or the end of it, rebirth, endings and new beginnings.

But pat yourself on the back for recognizing the abuse - sure you fell in the same hole, but it hasn't taken you that long to climb out this time...so give yourself an "attagirl".

I have a theory that we women don't grow up - stop being little girls, until after 40 -

I used to have a friend (she passed away at a fairly young age to everyone's shock) who was a super and superior psychic and astrologer. When I would say things, like you have, self sacrificing ...she would say " tack, tack, tack - there she goes again"

So Davsand, been there, done that. And even recently climbed down into the same hole, self sacrificing, knowingly and willingly "saving" someone - til I had enough! Makes it easier to recognize kindred - (I want to say dummies but I don't mean it as an insult to you - rather chuckling at myself).

As Eloriel's poem speaks "do what you love and you help not only yourself but the planet". And so I am.

It's funny how we don't know one another here on DU but we have become and are an integrated support group. It's quite wonderful.
And I thank you for your kind thoughts of me.

XXX