My mother died last July

[northernlights]

I just found out about it a couple weeks ago. I've wanted to post about it, but was waiting to see what the fallout would be.

When I was young, I imagined myself singing and dancing on her grave, "Ding-dong the witch is dead!" I even wrote the scene into a story.

I've read and heard so many times how you need to make up with your parents in your lifetime, how terrible it will be when they die and you realize you'll never get a chance again to...whatever.

And how traumatic it is.

Well, for me it brought, from the first moment I read the obituary, relief. There was a quiet, gentle relief. She can never hurt me again.

A while after I'd read it, I hugged my inner little girl and told her that our mommie dearest would never hit her again. She would never be hit, never be hurt by her again. The witch is finally gone forever.

A while after that, I realized that it had happened and my father hadn't gone off the deep end and trashed my life. He hadn't called and harrassed my neighbors, like he did last year. He hadn't, nor will he now that winter is here, shown up unannounced at my doorstep and expected me to drop everything and attend to him.

A while after that, I remembered a conversation I'd "heard" last summer between him and other immediate family members. Based on that, I wonder now if she left me some of her valuable jewelry and he has stolen it from me. I remembered how decades ago he forged a 1099 at his company in my name, took the income that I supposedly earned while I was out of state at college, and how for my graduation gift, I found myself unexpectedly at the receiving end of a letter from the IRS demanding immediate payment of back income taxes, interest and penalties....or jail.

The night I read her obit, I laid down in my bed. I currently have my mattress on the floor in the storage room off the living room, in order to save about $600 in heating costs this winter. I've been telling myself that it doesn't matter that at 55 I'm sleeping on the floor. That Jake needs to not jump into bed because of his back. That a mat on the floor is normal in Japanese culture. Now that my mother is dead, I realize that the critical, contemptuous voice I kept hearing putting me down because I'm sleeping on the floor at 55.... was hers, not mine. I felt another wave of relief. I DON'T CARE. IT'S NOT A REFLECTION ON MY WORTH OR SUCCESS OR FAILURE. It just is. It's a choice and I'm as comfortable there as on top of the bed.

I set aside dusting for several weeks, while focussing on the hardest part of the semester. In the past, I would have been fighting depression. This time, it just didn't matter. For the first time, I could follow the right priorities without losing precious energy to her calling me lazy, dirty, and unacceptable because there was some dust temporarily piling up. Today I dusted because I had time, thanks to the storm, and I was ready to dust. Not one bit of my precious energy had been lost to blocking her screaming voice in my head.

One day I was feeling sad that she never apologized, never tried to contact me after leaving abusive messages on my answering machine 25 or so years ago. And then I remembered about 18 months ago, I was mucking out stalls one summer morning, and feeling angry at how she made me dependent on owning a home outright after leaving me locked out in the street, made me so afraid of homelessness that I made the wrong choices at times when I could have ended up making a lot of $$ and not found myself facing destitution. And suddenly I "heard" her talking to someone (a caretaker? nurse?) and crying. She said, "I thought I was making her stronger and instead I made her afraid."

So I try to hold on to that memory and believe that she finally did wake up, and that maybe she was just too ashamed to ever face me again.

A piece at a time, the past just falls away. And my load gets a bit lighter...

[I Have A Dream]

1. northernlights, as I read this, I thought...

"What a wonderful person she turned out to be after going through all of that." I'm sorry that you had so much baggage in this life; it's so hard when the people who are supposed to be your support system actually cause the hardships in your life. I think that you should be very proud of what you did on your own in spite of what you had to go through in the beginning.

I'm glad that you've finally found peace, and I hope that it stays that way for you. Thank you so much for trusting us enough to share your story with us.

:hug:

[Celebration]

2. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

That about says it all.

We really need parenting classes. Some people just learn from the wrong models. Others really need to keep energetic balance so they don't act on negative emotions.

Your story is so sad, and so unneccesary.

Still, at the soul level, you can connect with your mother. And that is a gift, and a very solid foundation.

[BlueIris]

3. I'm happy that you're finding a sense of peace, now that she is gone.

I wish I'd divorced my abusive parents a long, long time ago, but the process is slow going. Continued best of luck with your healing.

[all.of.me]

4. I know *exactly* how you feel.

When my dad died, I was relieved. My biggest oppressor was gone! He was not going to belittle me anymore or insinuate how worthless I was. It was great.

My mom lived four years after his death. She was almost 93. I didn't have such a great relationship with her, either, but we both had to suck it up and let go. I live 2000 miles away, so a little forgiving over the phone via a translator for her (she was very hard of hearing at that point) was good enough for me. I let it go, her bad parenting. They only hit me once and never did horrid things to me like your parents did, but they just did not love me. No affection, just stuff. And lots of criticism.

Anyway, now that a few years have passed since they have both been gone, it's a huge sigh of relief. I can actually be myself. The fear of criticism is falling away little by little, but they did do major damage. The fact that it's not ongoing is what allows the healing.

My load gets lighter every day, too.