The Field Guide to American Conservatives

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Let's start with the identifying cries, calls, and noises of American Conservatives so you know how to identify one:
"I blame Liberals!"
"Bill Clinton is responsible for this!"
"We have to fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here!"

Species of American Conservatives:
Religious Nut - Loves to read all the scriptures about smiting and sin, but forgets about all the chapters about forgiveness and charity
Fetus Worshiper - Has an obsessive love for fetuses, this concern becomes absent however, once the fetus is no longer a fetus
Military Nut - Loves the idea of war, but the closest they themselves get to war is by playing "Battleship"

Some American Conservatives have elevated beyond these species and have entered into a sort of Alpha Male status:
Christian Right - Leads the Religious Nut and Fetus Worshiper herds
Neo-Cons - Leads the Military Nut herds

Notable American Conservatives:
George W. Bush (Conservativis Shrubicus) - This one is in trouble. The size of his herd is steadily decreasing.
Ann Coulter (Conservativis Shrillicus) - Master of American Conservative identifying calls (see above).
Dick Cheney (Conservativis Villainicus) - Does not like light

Diseases that can affect American Conservatives:
Liberal Paranoia - A belief that Liberals are sneaking into every institution. Can be identified through American Conservatives screaming about perceived liberal biases and sometimes foaming at the mouth
Delusions of Persecution - Belief that Conservative Christianity is under attack. Can be identified through electing a Conservative Christian President and then screaming about Persecution and then meeting in large, open, public places to discuss this 'persecution'

Places where one can find American Conservatives:
Megachurches - Multimillion dollar massive complexes where Religious Nuts and Christian Right Leaders talk about being 'persecuted' by Liberals
Washington D.C. - Here is where another interesting creature, known as Lobbyists, feed money to American Conservatives in exchange for passing legislation
Conservative Blogs - The place to find Military Nuts. Here they can blog about the war without having to actually participate in it

If cornered by an American Conservative:
DON'T try to fight them (For their sakes), usually as little as a shove will send them away crying
DON'T try to convert them with facts and statistics (Because facts and statistics "have a liberal bias")

The American Conservative is surely an interesting species, filled with contradictions, hypocrisy, and hatred of Bill Clinton.