I'll tell you what marriage needs protection from: weddings.

[Plaid Adder]

My brother is getting married in September, and my partner's sister is getting married sometime next summer. (Not to each other, obviously.) Watching what the two of them are going through planning their weddings has actually made me glad that I will never have to go through a traditional heterosexual wedding. If it ever does become legal for us to marry, we will definitely do it, but we're not going to do it this way.

Now, I have been to a number of straight weddings, some Traditional and some funky, and most of them have been lovely. But this is my first real opportunity to see the planning up close and personal...and it's INSANE! It's supposed to be about the bride and groom, but it's really about the parents, the parents' friends, the hotel and catering industries, table linens, color coordination, bridesmaids' dresses, etiquette rules that people wouldn't even know you'd broken if they hadn't all gone to Emily Post to look them up for the occasion, sets of china...and every single detail has the potential to become a pitched battle between the bride and her mother or between the groom's parents and the bride's parents or between the parents and their own siblings whose children don't get invited because nobody wants to spend the exorbitant per-plate price on a 12 year old...the possibilities for conflict and bad feeling are endless. And hanging over it all, especially for the bride, is the imperative that even though there's six months to a year of agony and expense leading up to it, THIS will be the HAPPIEST DAY of her LIFE!!!

It's kind of entertaining to me, because, you know, it's not my wedding. But I feel bad for all the straight couples who have to start off their marriages with up to a year of this kind of stuff plus a ginormous debt burden from shelling out for all of this stuff which really, if you could get some kind of objective consensus, you'd figure most of the people involved either don't care about or actively don't want.

I shared my sentiments on this with my sister, who isn't married yet, and she said, "Oh, definitely, when it's my turn, I would give elopement serious consideration."

I would be willing to bet that if you did a survey, more newlywed couples fight over the financial/emotional/political fallout of the wedding than they do about whether the fact that same-sex couples are fighting for marriage equality cheapens and nastifies their commitment to each other. It's just a guess.

I send calming and perspective vibes to any of my straight brethren and sistren who may be engaged in the wedding planning process right now. Good luck getting through it unscathed.

Yeesh, I say,

The Plaid Adder

[MadHound]

1. Oh, I hear you, weddings can indeed be a pain

My wife and I were fortunate that neither sets of parents were that demanding, I think it was more of a case that they were overwhelmingly reliefed that their kids were getting married(we tied the knot in our mid thirties, late by our parents' standards)

Our number one rule when approaching the wedding was to keep it simple, and it wound up being a great time for everybody.

I'm truly sorry that you and your partner can't get married, at least for now. But please realize that there are those of us in the straight community who are working to change that.

And yeah, when you folks do tie the knot, please, keep it simple. Otherwise your wedding day will be absolutely miserable.

[lildreamer316]

2. We're just having a party.

No one has to dress up; tshirt and jeans encouraged; spending all my money on the bar and the band. I am having a celtic dress because I want one. Hubby will wear a "pirate" shirt and black pants; nice shoes. Gonna spend some money on some rings.
Gonna have REAL food. That's it.

[Mandate My Ass]

3. A year and a half in hell before mine

and it was quite small.

Two details stand out in stark hair-raising detail for me. First off, it caused my future in laws fits of hysteria because I refused to do a seating chart. You would have thought from the outrage that I was planning on giving headless kittens as wedding mementos.

Also, my future s-i-l forbade me to ask her daughter to be a flower girl. She wanted to party and didn't want any of her kids underfoot. So I decided I wouldn't have one at all. About a month before the wedding, my future m-i-l asked why I hadn't asked for my future niece to be in the wedding. She said my future s-i-l was quite hurt by the slight. Instead of calling her on it, I asked for my niece to please be in the wedding and that I hoped there were no hard feelings for the late invitation. :eyes: :puke:

You ain't seen nothing yet.

[LibDemAlways]

4. I got married "on the cheap" almost 33

years ago. My parents weren't happy that I hadn't yet graduated from college, and I was pretty much on my own in planning the event. I told the bridesmaids to wear whatever they wanted. I bought a dress off the rack. My "photographer" was a high school friend. The reception was an inexpensive brunch following a morning ceremony.

I have no regrets. 33 years later I'm still married to the same guy.

Meantime, I've been to many weddings where the parents were still paying it off when the divorce papers were being finalized a year or two later. People get so wrapped up in planning an extravagant soiree, they lose focus and forget that after the last canape is consumed and the last drunk guest has staggered out the door, there's only the two of them with a lot of ups and downs ahead.

When and if my daughter ever decides to get married, I hope she goes the small, intimate route and remembers that the wedding is not nearly as important as the marriage.

[SoCalDem]

9. Us too.. I doubt we spent $100 on the wedding

We had it at the presbyterian church..after sunday services (free flowers)
I bought my dress on sale for about $50..My bridesmaids made their dresses...
We had punch & cake in the vestibule of the church immediately afterwards.. There MIGHT have been 30 people there including family..

That was 36 years ago.. Foe decades, our weddiing ppics were in a heating and plumbing ring binder underneath plastic page protectors.. Someone finally got us a "wedding album"..

Cheap is definitely better.. The bride & groom just want it OVER and the day is a complete blur anyway..

[Jigarotta]

5. Perhaps a new version of 'Wedding Crashers' would be

a good idea. Objective: talk them out of the silly corporateness and Ann Landerness of it all.

I don't think I could bear the pressure of all that nonsense. I know I couldn't.

[Lisa]

12. you're too late! Same-sex weddings have already been co-opted!

"A six-part series featuring same-sex couples looking for help tying the perfect knot, My Fabulous Gay Wedding is full of surprises.

First, Thompson ambushes the couple, arriving unannounced at their home, and then cell-phones back to a crack five-member staff of wedding planners with his findings. Off the pros go, scouting wedding sites, finding proper outfits, securing entertainment. (Every wedding is pulled off in 14 days.)"

http://www.cbc.ca/arts/tv/gaywedding.html

[Fleshdancer]

6. amen to that!

I wanted to elope. Everyone else wanted me to have a wedding so I caved in to pressure. Not only is it a ridiculously expensive endeavor, but the traditions are just stupid. My biggest mistake (aside from not eloping like I wanted to) was reading bridal magazines...they lower your IQ by a good 20 points. Suddenly you start believing the bullshit they force down your throat. :eyes:

People prepare for the party at a time when they should be preparing for the marriage. That's my take on it anyway. A study should be conducted to see if there's a higher divorce rate for people who had obnoxiously big weddings compared to those who had smaller weddings. Why start a marriage stressed, broke and exhausted? Why do we do this?

[stanwyck]

7. Weddings now last longer than the marriage

My nephew got married last summer and we had to endure an entire wedding weekend. Golf outings. Brunches. Cocktail parties. Bridesmaid showers. Mother luncheons. It was non-stop events. The actual wedding was anti-climatic after all the running around.

[elehhhhna]

8. k&r. amen.

[LeftHander]

10. "Chicken Dance" and bad wedding band protection....

Drunk groomsman and bad bridesmaid dresses....

Prime Rib for the men and Chicken for the ladies...

Asti Spumanti....(bleech)

Feeding each other cake.....

Pushy photographers with fake cheesy pose ideas...

Belly flop slide on beer soaked dance floors and passed out brides covered in vomit.

Waffle Irons

[Lisa]

11. and bachelor/bachelorette parties

Seriously. I know several people who very nearly called the whole thing off because of things that were done or said during the, ahem, more colorful events leading up to the wedding.

You do realize that a lot of us are supporting same-sex marriage, not just because it's a constitutional and civil rights issue, but because we want you to be just as freaked-out and ticked off about weddings as the rest of us?

Of course it's not really "about the bride and groom", or there wouldn't be nearly as much screaming and crying (from both the men and the women). It's about the caterers, florists, wedding magazines (and all the other components of the multi-billion-dollar troth-plighting industry out there). And about the hopes of the in-laws, to make sure everybody knows who's boss. And about all the grievances that will fuel family tensions for years and years after. (My folks got married in 1961, and to this day they still tease my cousin Bruce who, as a child attempting to pick up the bride's train, stood on it and almost caused her to fall on her ass into a mound of rice and confetti.)

And that, folks, is why most of us cry at weddings. (Good luck to everyone working on one ...)

I'm with the Plaidder's sister on this one. And after seeing his brother's family almost disintegrate over one particularly fraught wedding, my dad is too. He turned to me and said, "Lisa, if you ever get engaged, I'm taking the aluminum ladder out of the shed and bolting it under your bedroom window as a hint."

[Skinner]

13. I have a theory about that.

I sometimes wonder if the *real* purpose of the high-stress American wedding is to put the relationship of the bride and groom through a kind of trial-by-fire. If your relationship can survive planning a wedding, then you're good to go. If you can't, then the process will (hopefully) weed you out before the wedding day.

[KittyWampus]

17. IMO, a very astute observation. The 2nd "trial" being building a house

My family owns a guest house and we've put up couples building a house. High stress and definately a strain on relationships.

[BrklynLiberal]

26. A kind of "survival-of-the fittest" test.

:rofl:
I have often wodnedered if it wasn't a throwback to the "potlatch"

A potlatch is a ceremony among certain Native American and First Nations peoples on the Pacific Northwest coast of the United States and the Canadian province of British Columbia such as the Haida, Tlingit, Tsimshian, Salish, Nuu-chah-nulth, and Kwakiutl (Kwakwaka'wakw). The potlatch takes the form of a ceremonial feast traditionally featuring seal meat or salmon. In it, hierarchical relations between groups were observed and reinforced through the exchange of gifts and other ceremonies. The host demonstrates their wealth and prominence through giving away their possessions and thus prompt participants to reciprocate when they hold their own potlatch.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Potlatch

[TahitiNut]

37. Without the "wedding night" to look forward to ...

:evilgrin:

[FSogol]

14. My wife and I eloped.

Our Wedding cost a bouquet of flowers and $50 to a Justice of Peace.

We've never regretted it.

[Bake]

15. I did it - twice

The first time I got married, the wedding was HUGH!!!!! I'm SERIES!! It took 2 ministers, 10 bridesmaids, 10 groomsmen, 2 instrumentalists, a choir, 3 soloists, and countless ringbearers/flower children, etc. Approximately 2000 people in attendance.

That marriage lasted four years. And the last year really doesn't even count.

The second time, my new wife (well, she was new 23 years ago ...) and I had a few friends at the chapel, and we all went back to our apartment for the reception: beer and snacks. Somebody made a cake. And like I said, that was 23 (or was it 24?) years ago and we're still going strong.

So in terms of bang for the buck, I say, go small. The "traditional huge wedding" is an utter waste of money and nerves.

My band played for a wedding reception this past Saturday, for a friend whose daughter got married. He spent -- let's just say he spent FIVE FIGURES and the first one was NOT a "1." That could have been a down payment on a house.

Bake

[alarimer]

16. I am not opposed to marriage (even for myself someday)

it is WEDDINGS I hate. I am not planning one ever. I am not going to do it. If I ever get married, it would be in Vegas or before a judge or something. No flowers, no rehearsal dinners, no church, no nothing like that. Maybe I wouldn't even invite my family.

[GumboYaYa]

18. You just described my mother-in-law,

fortunately my wife recognized it early and just let her mother have her way. My wife just didn't care and told me, all I care is that you manage to get your tux and show up that day. All the rest is bullshit. We had a lot of fun laughing at the idoicy and it wasn't our money.

[Spazito]

19. I totally agree! Weddings only benefit the retailers, the caterers, etc

At first, my husband and I were going to go that route, in a small way, but it kept growing and growing, "you can't invite so-and-so unless you invite so-and-so as well" or "you can't invite so-and-so if you invite so-and-so, etc.

It grew from a house reception to a hall reception and that was when we looked at each other and decided the Justice of the Peace was the way to go and did so before any money had been expended.

Both sets of in-laws didn't talk to us for almost a year, peace and quiet, roflmao!

[hashibabba]

21. I'd never have a big wedding!

I'm more of the flower-child type. Barefoot on the beach. Probably not more than a couple of people (just for witnesses). I've had too many friends spend a ton of money, only to be divorced soon after.

[Spazito]

24. Yes, I saw that in my own family, my sister had a big wedding

and was divorced within 5 years. That's not to say many married couples who had big weddings aren't still very happily together after many years but doing it the way my husband and I did was something I never had one nanosecond of regret about, even many years later.

[B3Nut]

20. We did it on the cheap.

Married in a pavilion at a zoo, officiated by my best friend who is an ordained minister and worship leader (I've worked with him on a few album projects.) Khakis and golf shirts...I hate tuxedos, my wife hates dresses. It was laid back and fun...formal ceremonies just aren't our bag.

We're dog people, so the wedding cake topper was a couple stuffed puppies and the cake "sprinkles" were in the shape of tiny dog bones! :D

Todd in Beerbratistan

[xmas74]

22. Which is why this gal

plans on having a barefoot ceremony on a friends farm with a big cookout afterward IF I ever get married.

[lectrobyte]

23. I had a spontaneous wedding with about 10 people present. I think

there is something to the formula of
success of marriage = 1 / cost of wedding.

[The Witch]

25. As a bride-to-be, I feel your pain.

No, Mom, I do not want my guests to do the limbo. :eyes: :eyes: :eyes:

thanks for the much-needed levity.

[BrklynLiberal]

27. Absolutely right. Weddings have become another corporate scam.

[otohara]

28. A Judge With Pics of Ronald Reagan in His Chambers

married me and current hubby. Did the wedding thing once, what a pain and expensive, not to mention, it didn't last.

[Canuckistanian]

29. The wedding industry is a racket

My wife and I went to a big wedding show before our wedding. I was astounded at the prices of EVERYTHING.

And being a photographer myself I was especially disgusted by the high prices and schmaltz that passes for wedding pictures. We made an appointment with a photographer and he never even showed up.
So, we gave up on that.

The wedding cakes were another atrocity. Up to $2000 for flour, eggs, butter and sugar seemed obscene. We hired a local chef to make up a chocolate goauche cake for about $150.

We were married in a sparse, historical Mennonite meeting hall, an elegant lunch for immediate friends and family and a party at a Shriner's hall.

It was perfect, and we didn't even miss spending all that money.

[IdaBriggs]

30. My mother told me, "A wedding *ALWAYS* reflects the bride" --

and she was right. The groom is showing what type of woman (or person) he is picking as a life partner, but really, that's about it. The bride and her family are showing what level of respect they have for themselves and their guests, as well as their social standings with their knowledge of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. (Beautiful, classy weddings don't have to cost a small fortune!)

Anyway, about what my mother said: I have watched it happen literally dozens of times -- trashy bride, trashy wedding; classy bride, classy wedding. Living in fear of the wedding gods is kind of silly, ("If we don't do everything perfectly, our marriage is doomed!"), but at the same time, you are basically throwing a large party for a lot of people, and everything from how long you make them wait until they get to eat (I once watched a bride and groom get into a car so they could go driving and get honked at after their ceremony, despite the fact the "bring a dish to pass" reception with not enough seating for all of the invited guests was being held IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT DIRECTLY AFTER THE WEDDING), to whether or not they are paying for their own meals and know it (yup, one "pay your own wedding reception" had half the guests leaving without paying because they didn't know they were supposed to pay, and the restaurant not letting the rest of us out until we covered THEIR share of the bill -- and did I mention the restaurant refused to refill the buffet with food, despite the fact the first half of the guests had emptied them?).

Different cultures have different customs, but at the heart of the whole thing is showing your financial status (you can afford to feed that many people, and / or feed them well), and "celebrating" with people you care about (i.e., having guests to invite). In some countries, having tons of food left over is a point of pride, and in other cultures, the bride and groom exchange gifts with their guests.

I like weddings; my beloved husband and I had some real doozy type fights about ours, and my first panicked "what the hell have I done?" moment came when I realized that in addition to marrying HIM, I had also married HIS FAMILY -- and my mother-in-law is a certified psycho! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!! Sigh. Well, no way I could say I didn't have fair warning about his family -- his mother wore a black dress to the wedding, and threatened to add a veil! (I can laugh about it now, but at the time, it hurt that she was trying to humiliate us in front of everyone.)

I like weddings, but the best antidote I know for divorcing my beloved is the idea that I might have to go through one of 'em again!

:)

ON EDIT: And the wedding industry is mainly staffed by small business people, which is kind of nice. Support small businesses -- throw a wedding! :)

ON EDIT 2: Changed gender in first sentence -- roles can be interchangeable, of course!

[hunter]

31. Our wedding went pretty well.

Our families and friends must love us very much. There were not any battles, not really.

We were married Roman Catholic, with a reception in the park. Family provided all the food and drink and swept up all the mess and drunken people afterwards.

My biggest worry was that my family would start brawling again with the Church, especially with our Priest. But they didn't.

Before I met my wife I never thought I'd be married in the Church, I thought my wedding would be something barefoot on the beach with a few close friends because, frankly, my family is crazy and I've witnessed my mom arguing with Bishops and I didn't want that.

By some good fortune my wife and I escaped almost unscathed to our honeymoon in Mexico.

[unpossibles]

32. we had a nice and small costume party

with a short non-denominational ceremony and it was lots of fun. Kept it fairly cheap, kept the parents noses out of it, and had a blast. The only scandal was my aunt and uncle were busted being catty on video toward my wife's Man of Honor, but everyone else had a great time.



Jeez, I hope someday soon large groups of humans can actually learn from the past and stop acting like ignorant hateful assmonkeys with no sense of decorum. I do think that someday soon, we will look back at things like the current attempt to limit human rights as being completely alien. Sadly, not everyone will be on board, but things are heading that way for sure.

[bobbieinok]

33. son and his now-wife were going to get married in the local park

They had it all planned and many arrangements made, and then her mother pointed out that the grandmother could not attend an outdoor wedding in summer.

So they gave up getting married that year and started thinking about the next summer. After many, many lists and her family's need to ask colleagues, etc, it finally got to be too much.

So on a Monday in February (Valentine's Day?) I got a call from my son. 'Guess what mom, we got married Friday at the courthouse.'

I didn't believe him (he's a world-class kidder) and asked to speak to his fiancee/wife. She confirmed that they had indeed gotten married. They then called my mom and my brothers, starting off with the fact that I hadn't believed my son. So my disbelief and demand for confirmation entered 'family history.'

On the day in June they had planned to be married, they had a celebration/reception for all those who missed the wedding.

added:

They had already reserved the pavillon, so having a party there with food catered by a popular restaurant was pretty inexpensive.

Also, they had purchased a house together a few years before they got married. When asked when they were going to make a commitment, my son would answer that it's much more complicated to buy a house together than to get a marriage license and that it sure is harder to sell a house than to get a divorce. That tended to shut people up.

[Habibi]

34. Feh. My husband and I were in our mid-forties at our wedding

And we just weren't willing to spend the dough for a "traditional" shindig. I mean, please. We rented a tent for the back yard, hired a local BBQ caterer, and bellydancer friends of mine came and entertained in exchange for the meal. Local (Democratic) judge. My dress cost $20. We had a best man and a maid of honor, and they wore what they wanted. We kept it small--around 50 people. All told, it cost us around $3000, half of which we made back in cash gifts, bless our better-off friends. It was an awesome party.

My sister has had to take a second job in order to pay for her daughter's wedding. WTF? Many folks these days seem to believe they have to marry as if they were rich. Whatever happened to simple, within-your-means celebrations? Did Jesus have a tux?

[TrogL]

35. I'm an organist

I've been in on a few wedding planning events in my time. Next time I'm going armed, gun laws be damned.

Oh, and I make sure the bride's on time. I charge a sliding scale. The price increases exponentially for every 10 minutes she's late.

[hunter]

40. As a groom my terror rose exponentially every 10 minutes she was late.

To make things worse, my dad and my groomsmen were all the sorts who would happily argue about religion with a captive Catholic priest. So there we all were together, waiting, and waiting, and waiting... while I'm wondering where my bride is, and very much worried that someone is going to joke, "So, Father, do you have a girlfriend?" or ask baited questions about Original Sin or something.

[knitter4democracy]

36. Never again for me.

I have told Hubby over and over that nothing better happen to him, 'cause I'm never going through that again. Three mothers and three families all vying for status and crap. I was just a minor part, as my dad wanted to prove how much better than my mom he was, my MIL was just plain crazy (still is but is better), and my mom was trying to prove that a single mom can still do pretty well when it comes to a wedding. *sigh* Never again. Not ever. I'm paying my kids to elope.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

38. Hubby and I got married

in our back yard. Set up three tables, covered with white table cloths from the hardware store (I'm serious). Appetizer plate, cake and flowers from Publix. Dress from Dillard's which I've worn to other people's weddings. Ceremony by the notary from 2 doors down. Just us, the notary and her husband, a couple from around the corner, a lady from down the street, and her dog. Dog got a flower collar from Publix, too. Wore it with much pride. A neighbor guy dropped by to see what was going on and got caught up in the thing. After the ceremony and a little cake cutting, hubby and I changed clothes, put the steaks on the grill, took the potatoes out of the oven, the salad out of the fridge and everybody ate. A definite good time was had by all.

[Jade Fox]

39. Weddings....

I HATE it when I hear people saying little girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day. Bunk. I can't remember giving it a single thought.

When I was a kid I dreamed of being career girl with a swinging bachlorette apartment in the city, where I drank martinis with handsome me while wearing fabulous clothes!