REUTERS 6/8/06
Alan Smithee reporting
Baghdad- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is coming to the United States and the FBI, CIA couldn't care less. Well, truthfully, it's because he was killed by U.S. troops thirty miles outside of Baghdad on Wednesday. But, never-the-less, he will make one final journey to the country he described as "The Great Satan" and which he fought against in both Afghanistan and Iraq. The corpse of al-Zarqawi is to undergo a process by which his skin and hair will be preserved and during which his internal organs and bones will be replaced with a metal endoskeleton filled with servos and motors to bring him back to some semblance of life again.
--snip--
"It's really not new technology," says Dan 'The Automator' French, "look at the Hall of Presidents, for instance. This process was developed in the late 60's and early 70's and refined to a great degree since then. The price of technology has dropped and now literally every American home can afford to enjoy the benefits of a singing bass wall plaque. I mean, bass don't even sing in nature. That's progress and American know-how at work."
--snip--
Sources inside the Pentagon and the White House Press Secretary's office privately confirm that al-Zarqawi's body is to be positioned in a chair for occasional use during press conferences and quite possibly a presidential address to make statements supportive of the speaker. Voice morphing technology has advanced greatly in recent years and Reuters was allowed to listen to some of the messages which he will utter:
"He's right. My death is a great blow to the Iraqi insurgency."
"The U.S. has turned a corner in the Iraq war, it's just a matter of days now."
"Our error was not going after Krispy Kremes- for they carry the taste of America itself!"
The meaning of the last message was clarified by a spokesperson from the White House Press Secretary's office with an indication that, for a small fee, companies may license al-Zarqawi to make statements in relation to advertisements or promotional campaigns.
--snip--
Dan continues, "Right now we're working on syncing up the glass eyes to the audio so as to capture the shifty nature of this arch-villain. And there's lots of artistic considerations as well- I mean, do you program the eyes to furtively dart left and right on the words 'insurgency' or 'superior American military'?"
--snip--
While some have shown distaste at the concept of animating the dead for political purposes, an unnamed Republican consultant says "Hey, we've been doing this for years in lots of other ways. That we can actually animate a corpse, in this case an enemy's corpse, is just the next logical step. In fact, we've already got a few Republican senators and one Democratic senator who are hoping to use al-Zarqawi in their political commercials as they hope for re-election in 2006."
--snip--
Regardless of how well this is received by the public is yet to be seen. However this reporter is dubious of the intentions. During the session in which I was played the al-Zarqawi audio there was a technical malfunction and another set of recordings was played:
"Boo-yah! The corps forever!"
"I'm proud to have given my life for President Bush!"
"If you are 18 years of age you must register for selective service. It's the law!"
--snip--
PB
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