I have to say Goodbye to mom , or I will never move on.

[The Straight Story]

Mods: I have posted in GD a lot since I started, and wanted to try and keep this here as this is where most my friends are. No hard feelings though if you have to move it.

I felt like posting this here after writing it, I guess it just helps me in dealing when I can share what I am feeling with my friends here. Group therapy I suppose.

I am listening to this as I type: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNL7ip36GMo
It helps. I don't want to go into all my problems, just needed to finally say goodbye to mom. Cause I never really have.

Diane Howell, 12/31/2004

Missing you Mom

All those years together
So much we shared
So much more there could have been
So many more memories to be made

Now you're gone
Slipping away in the night
After so much pain
You found your rest

Now I flounder on
Searching, wanting to hold you once more
Yearning to call you and tell you
about your granddaughter's first tooth falling out

Remember when we laughed together?
When we talked about life and your past
Remember when you hugged me as I cried
And gave me advice, and love, no matter what

I need you mom. So much.
The void left by your passing
has devasted me
And now. Now I have to say good bye.

I can't let this kill me anymore
bring me down
and keep me out
I don't know how. But I have to let go.

Since you left I started taking anti-depressants
Drinking
Crying more than laughing
I fell apart mom. I know you did not want that.

So now I have to let go
And I don't know how
To let go one of the brightest parts of my life
Not the only one, but one that was there 39 years

So many regrets
And dreams lost with you
So much went wrong
So damn much left to say

Now here I am
Saying, finally, goodbye ya old broad
With your wacky ways
That made us all laugh

Now my life is falling apart, without your smile
Because I haven't been able to let go
Holding on to hope I will see your smile again
And talk to you again, not just in my dreams I so often have

Bye Ma.
You were one good woman.
I miss you so much.
Love you.
Miss you. So much.

[Straight Shooter]

1. .

:hug:

[pitohui]

2. i'm so sorry about your mom

she wouldn't want you to be sad forever, you know

[The Straight Story]

6. From the song

"We won't be sad, we will be glad for all we had" which I have tried and tried to do.

Just not as easy as I thought :(

So much went wrong the last 19 years, so many regrets, and I just want to talk to her once more. Am realizing that I won't be able to.

[brook]

15. When my Dad died...

it took me a couple of years to come out of my 'swan dive'. So maybe I kind of know how you're feeling.

One day, I stopped being angry at the doctors (and myself) who let him down; at him for leaving; at the world, really. One day I just accepted that he left when it was his time to leave. I still miss him. He was a very active Democrat and we talked politics (and books) all the time. He was just a helluva lot of fun to be around. My White Knight and Champion. He taught me how to box. He adored my children. He was a peacemaker.

My brother paid me the ultimate compliment a while back -commenting on something I'm doing in my community - when he said "Dad would be so proud of you."

I still 'talk' to him sometimes - and he will forever be a 'presence' in my life. Just as I believe your Mother will be in yours. You carry her DNA, the memories, the teachings, the laughter and tears. She is rooting for you to let go of the pain and live in the joy of all you shared. :hug:

[cboy4]

3. . .

:hug:

[Frances]

4. What a wonderful tribute

Your mom must have loved you so much for you to write the way you do.

I lost my father many years ago and sometimes something will remind me of him and I will get a pang in my belly because I feel the loss all over again. But, because of the passage of time, mostly I have good memories of him that are a comfort to me. I hope that the passage of time will bring you that comfort too.

[The Straight Story]

7. I think camping this weekend triggered a lot

She loved to go camping. I cannot even drive into the campground she used to go to without breaking down and high tailing it out of there (that happend to me earlier this year when I stopped there).

I was coming out of the men's room and a lady that looked a lot like mom was heading into the lady's room. I caught a glimpse of her and did a double take. And nearly broke down right there.

I thought I would be ok with all this, and yet here I am still a mess.

[grasswire]

11. my mom's been gone for twenty years

By the time I got to the hospital to be with her, she couldn't speak. I asked her forgiveness for the wrongs over the years, but she couldn't answer me.

So this is the lesson to those of you who still have a mother. Say what you need to say now.

[bobbieinok]

20. about 1 week after my dad died in June 1995 a man was going

into the grocery store just ahead of me.....he walked like my dad, he was smoking like my dad had for years, and he was wearing a hat like my dad did. For a few seconds I just 'knew' it was my dad. So I went around him to see his face....

That was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life.

[unschooler]

5. She was lucky to be so loved by her child.

What more could a mother want?

[w8liftinglady]

8. that was beautiful

my mom has end-stage emphysema,and I know she isn't long for this world.I feel for you.here's a big virtual hug from a friend.You have many here.

[Mnemosyne]

12. .

:hug:

[goclark]

9. Hugs and understanding

about missing your Mom.

Your poetic thoughts are heartfelt and completely embraced by all of us.

Is there someone that you can lean on during this time? Family? Friends? Spiritual leader?

My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:

[The Straight Story]

21. I have leaned on many

but it just does not always fill the void. I guess I always thought she would be here, even though I knew she wouldn't.

It just seems so final, though I know I will see her again someday. Maybe it is all about getting old, life, and all that. We want to hang on to those memories which were so dear, and have them once more - and we can't. We can have new ones, but we can never go back. And I so want to go back, just for a little bit.

[Eurobabe]

28. I hear you, I lost my grandmother last Aug, she was a surrogate mom

to me, my mother was very young when she had me -- Gram was older and more solid, she considered me to be her 2nd daughter. It hit really hard when she died, even though she lived to 94. I miss her everyday, want to pick up the phone and call her about something, but she's gone.

In September, I wanted to be 12 again, listening to the old songs from when I would visit them in the summer. I was very nostalgic for her...nothing wrong with taking a trip back down memory lane. Sorry this has been so tough for you, losing a parent is a life altering experience. My hubby lost his dad 6 yrs. ago to cancer and very rarely talks about it, but I know he misses him terribly at times.

Sending you a hug. -48

[goclark]

35. My mom

is 88 years and I'm sure I would feel the way that you do.

Keep leaning on your friends and family for support.

Keep letting your feelings be know.
:hug:

[Mnemosyne]

10. .

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. My dear Straight Story..........

This is the most beautiful tribute to a mom that I have read...

And how true it is that you must move on, and say goodbye......

But doing those things doesn't mean forgetting her........

Because that which is remembered, lives......

And she will always be a big part of you, and of your heart, and life...

I do think that having this thread, and reading these responses, will help you deal with this loss....

Grief is so isolating, and here you aren't isolated at all....

We stand with you, and we will help you with our love......

K&R

:loveya: :grouphug: :loveya:

[fed-up]

14. hugs- time really does help heal sorrow and loss, it's been almost 8 years

since my mom passed away...

I still miss her dearly and wish so many times that she was here so I could share many of the happenings in my life and so that she could see what a fine young man her grandson turned out to be...

She had a stroke a few years before she passed away, so communication was limited to yes, no and simple phrases during the years I was her caregiver.

there are so many questions that I have now, so many things I wished I had asked her about her childhood and growing up during WWII.

I did just recently find an address to her blood grandfather in a box of birthday cards, so I can continue working on her side of the family for my genealogy records (her real mother was killed when a nurse somehow got air in her veins the day after my mother was born).

So many things that were left undone and unsaid, but then so many happy memories of all the good times we had...

hugs to all those that have lost someone special

[roguevalley]

16. your mom is always with you. You don't have to say goodbye. My

dad passed away July 23rd and I feel him beside me every moment of the day. It comforts me. He will never leave me. I wish you peace, honey. Your mom sounds wonderful.

[lostnfound]

33. Roguevalley is right.Her ripples flow easily through you,

her voice is in your heart.

In the meantime, be all you can be, it's what mother always wants for her children.

On edit: But by all means, 'move on', yes. I don't mean to say it isn't time for letting go.

[MiaCulpa]

17. Sorry for your loss. Here's a song

that I hope offers some comfort:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF8unwxhNho

Peace,

Desi

[niyad]

18. what a beautiful tribute to a wonderful woman-- I can't add anything

to what the rest of the posters have said so wonderfully. just know that your DU family is here for you, and that your mother must be so very proud to have reared such a caring, loving person. we are all the better for having you in our lives as well.

let there be peace in your heart, and know that your mother is always there for you as well.

bb

[tblue]

19. I recommend this book. Easy, quick read and it will help, I promise.

It's not just for heartbroken lovers, though it helps with that, too. I hope you will check it out. It was my Bible through some of my darkest days. I lost my daddy a couple years ago, so I think I know how you feel.....:hug:

Here's info from Amazon:

How to Survive the Loss of a Love
by Peter McWilliams (Author), Harold H. Bloomfield (Author), Melba Colgrove (Author)



Price: $7.95 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25.

149 used & new available from $1.74
http://www.amazon.com/How-Survive-Loss-a-Love/dp/0931580439

[cboy4]

27. I couldn't agree more. I have the book and it's worth its weight in gold.

And I'm sorry about your daddy, tblue. :hug:

[peace13]

22. Peace to you, tonight and always. n/t Kim

[spoony]

23. Truly touching

I'm very close to my parents and I know that if I outlive them I will totally fall apart. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've endured. Your writing made me all teary. God bless you!

[housewolf]

24. Dear Straight Story,

I remember talking to you on this board a few days after your mother died. It was right around New Year's of 2005, after that horrible election of Nov 2004. I remember because you live(d) in Columbus, Ohio, and I am from there. It was frigidly cold, the electricity was out, and you were alone right after the death of your mother. It was one of the tragedies of that season.

I bring this up to acknowledge that you have traveled a long road since that time. You have carried your pain and sorry through the long, circuitous road from that point to where you are today. It's taken much strength and courage to have made the journey you have, no matter what judgments you may have on some of the sidetrips you may have taken, they have served you, been your crutches when you needed them, and helped you along your way. You are at a crossroads now and can see some light ahead, and know what you must do to walk forward toward that light.

Congratulations!

The light calls you forward, and assists you in shedding your burden.

Something that might help you in your process is to focus on forgiveness and gratitude. When you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself for the ways in which you may have disappointed your mother (and yourself) or let her down or not done enough, you'll find a large chunk of your burden lifted.

When you can find it in your heart to forgive your mother her suffering and death, an even larger chunk will be lifted.

The way to forgiveness is through gratitude, so the more you focus on what you are grateful for, both gratitude to your mother for what she gave you and to those aspects of yourself that are the true expressions of your soul, the easier it is to allow room for forgiveness to grow.
----

Did you ever see that movie "The Bridges of Madison County"? It doesn't correlate to your situation but the final scene in the movie is quite moving and inspirational. In the movie, the mother (Meryl Streep) had written a long journal to her 2 grown children which she left for them to find after her death. They came together right after she died and read the 3 notebooks together. The mother revealed herself openly to the children and they came to understand what she had sacriced for them and her burial request, which was to be creamated and have her ashes released to the wind. The final scene of the movie helps to cleanse my own grief each time I watch it. The son and daughter are standing on one of the covered bridges and the final passage from the journal is read:

"I love you both with all my heart", she says. "Do what you have to to be happy in this life. There is so much beauty. Go well, my children", she blesses them. With that, the ashes of the mother are released and with them, some of the grief.

---

Peace be with you, dear one.

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.

[me b zola]

25. .

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

26. Your tribute to your mom brought me to tears.

What a beautiful thing your wrote for your mom. I'm so sorry for you loss. :hug:

[DemonFighterLives]

29. Nice Tribute

I lost my mom nearly 2 years ago, but she had Alzheimer's and it was a slow goodbye. Such a joyful saint of a woman, it was hard to watch her when she realized she was losing her marbles. She taught in an old country school and losing her mind, made her want to die. There was so much left to learn from her and so much love to share, but there must have been a reason for it all. Dad and her shared 57 years of marriage and he could not be happy when she left. In June of this year, he left to be with her.
As consolation, the heavenly host are gathering and we know have some of the best possible guardian angels ever.
I don't know of your religious beliefs, but I had dreams years ago(about deer) that instilled in me the sense that the spirits are with us in the animals or plants that are around us. I told my sister about that and she saw a pair of spotted fawns together and she cried and took a lot of meaning from it A couple of days later, my wife and I saw 2 fawns together.
Just know that she is where she needs to be and that there is a reason for it all.

[EFerrari]

30. Dear Straight Story

Most lives, if we live them right, if we love enough, fall apart a few times.

It's all right.

Thank you for sharing your Mom with us.

:hug:

[JNelson6563]

31. Very sad

but I still hope this moves to the lounge.

[GeorgeGist]

32. I think your sig line...

says too little to take you seriously.

[PleadTheFirst]

34. Stay strong, Straight Story.

I lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other (my father to heart failure, and my mother to cancer) back in '95. There is no getting past it; there is just acceptance and living with the wonderful memories of them.

I wish you the best.

[cry baby]

36. beautiful!

[GreenPartyVoter]

37. Well, dang *hugs* We sound like peas in a pod.

[ocean girl]

38. I wish I had written something that beautiful about my Mother...

... whom I lost 4 years ago.

I miss her everyday.

I love her more than ever.

I know she visits me sometimes (not so much lately - she says she's busy).

I know that time does not heal wounds, it just gives you a chance for acceptance.

Please know that, while I don't even know you, I feel your pain and wish you peace and acceptance.

Thank you so much for having the courage to share your love for your Mother with this community.