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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 10:42 AM
Original message
Shadow's taxicab reports: The Final Column
Edited on Fri Nov-03-06 10:45 AM by shadowknows69
<edit to add Sorry didn't post whole report at first its there now.>


I think this will be the last column for a while and I feel I owe an explanation to the people here who have supported my little investigative reporting adventure, if you can call it that, and heaped praise on me that I humbly thank you all very kindly for. As it stands your attention to my ravings has awakened in me a desire to pursue with at least a little more vigor than in recent years, my long time dream of being a writer of some merit. The criterion for that merit is no financial figure but simply the knowledge that I may have moved even one person with these tales. That being said, I won’t be refusing any offers to write a regular paid column should any be tossed my way either lol.

I’m finding the stories I’m milking from some of these soldiers are really affecting my psyche in detrimental ways and I need to pull back for my own sake. I crave the truth in all things and I especially believe in man’s need to know the horrors that are going on in his world but I’ve heard enough for a while. If I keep getting involved in these soldiers experiences in this awful conflict I won’t be able to hold my tongue any longer about my rage against the whole situation and I’m going to get myself in trouble professionally and possibly legally. Mostly though I’m reserving my strength for the potential storms to come and that includes my mental strength. I don’t have the right to be a full time revolutionary voice just yet. I have a wife who has suffered also the depression I have reaped from hearing about the death and horror that George W Bush has sown and I owe her some time in my soul. Rest assured the book will be started. Whether I’ll be able to craft it into any kind of coherent narrative is questionable but I will try. You will have exclusive reading rights to the introductory chapter when it’s finished and once again I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your attention to my simple journeys. So then without further ado here are two more stories from “The front lines from the back seat.”



The tragic redistribution of heroes

One thing is for certain. George Bush is sending our heroes to fight over there so they can’t be heroic over here. Our base plays host to a lot of National Guard troops. Usually New York guard or New Jersey but they come here quite a bit for training and I guess more recently for deployment. This story isn’t about the guard exactly but in meeting many of them I see the spectrum of American citizens that aren’t able to do constructive things for America anymore. I meet teachers, business owners, fathers and mothers, all going off to war in a distant land while communities here suffer. Civilian engineers who take care of our streets and cities now going off to dismantle IED’s and rebuild Iraqi infrastructure and doctors putting broken soldiers back together while the U.S. suffers a health care crisis. Heroes all, no doubt, doing good things for the Iraqi people and the U.S. military but unable to do heroic things in their own country. This essay is not to dispute the validity of the motives or actions of these soldiers only to illustrate another question that must be asked when tallying the final cost of this war.

I met a man who to me is the most tragic example of this war driven exile of our national heroes. I got to conversing with one soldier who had done at least one tour of duty in Iraq already and was soon headed to another in Afghanistan. I learned that he had joined the army later in life than most at the age of thirty. He went on to explain that its not like he did it for work or anything just that most of the men in his family had served and he always wanted to join himself and decided it was the right time. I got no sense that the war itself was his main motivation and there didn’t seem to be any overt family pressure other than what he felt about the tradition. This man just wanted the opportunity to be a hero for his country. Noble enough intentions no doubt but when I learned of what he did for a living before the army it made no sense to me. This man was a professional fireman in a large metro area before he joined the military.

I wouldn’t dream to judge anyone’s reasoning for such a decision but I can’t pretend to understand or accept it. It just seems so typical of the waste of war. A man who was a hero by any definition of the word simply because of what he chose to do, selflessly fight to save lives, turned 180 degrees into someone who is expected to fight to end life. The decision to become a soldier obviously doesn’t make this man any less of a hero but one can’t help but wonder the lives that would be saved if not for this war. The youth that could have been taught better, the sick that could have been treated better. In times of peace the United States has willingly lent the world all of these resources. The waste involved in sending our best and our brightest from peaceful professions off to engage in death and conquest or to even inspire someone to put down a fire hose for a rifle in my opinion is a sin beyond measure.

Another recent ride introduced me to four soldiers I picked up from two different barracks. The one was quite an animated character announcing loudly his intentions to spend the evening continuing his rapidly progressing drunk. The three I grabbed were on their way to do the same after some dinner at a Ruby Tuesdays in town. My animated fare that grabbed the shotgun seat instantly struck up a conversation with the others asking them all their MOS, where they were from, how long in the service etc. etc. and wildly boasting about his own accomplishments and accolades in the army which were considerable if they were true.

His bragging, including claiming he was Special Forces, seemed vastly exaggerated and one of the other soldiers attempted to call him on some facts which he did seem to answer satisfactorily and he even asked the soldier quizzing him, “Wow, how do you know so fucking much?”

According to his tales our Special Forces friend had done three tours in combat zones and said he was trying to get back to Iraq after being back for only three months because, and I quote, “I love killing mother fuckers and blowing mother fuckers up.”

The three seemed almost inspired by this outburst and started remarking how badly they wanted to get to Iraq and one was asking advice on how to get deployed to a permanent combat zone.

Beneath bravado occasionally truth is uncovered.

“You WANT to go to Iraq?” Said our gung ho killer, “This war is fucked up. You think you’ll be shooting at people in Iraq? You don’t shoot at mother fuckers you know what you’re going to be doing?”

Our other three soldiers we learned were from the new engineer unit coming to be stationed at our base, new recruits all, specialists in the disarming of explosives.

“You aint gonna be shooting at people and you won’t be disarming shit you know what you do in Iraq? In Iraq you patrol all day and wait to get blown the fuck up. Then whoever didn’t get blown up cordons off the area and we fight any fighters. You think cause you’re engineers you won’t patrol but everyone goes out on patrol”

Despite this chilling speech a couple of the guys still expressed their desire to be in combat. With my mind reeling as usual from these stories I mentioned to one of them that soldiers have told me The Taliban gives a better “stand up fight” and he should p put in for Afghanistan. He look liked he considered the advice. I prayed for a quick end to the ride.

I have no doubt that our gung ho buddy belongs in a combat zone somewhere but as I said despite his rhetoric he seemed genuinely shocked and concerned of the eagerness of the new soldiers as if he couldn’t hear himself earlier praise the joys of killing. He left the cab first and almost laughingly told the three “Good luck in Iraq” knowing the horrors they’ll soon see.

A man who was a fireman puts down the hose for a rifle, a man who was in the service in peacetime now transformed into a stone cold killer and three young men aching for their first kills outside a video game. To inspire this in the men and women of your country is the greatest crime that this administration has visited upon us. I fear our grand and honorable military is now simply a job for killers. Apply at the door, if your trigger finger works we’ll find a job for you. A waste of our heroes that could do so much good in the world spent frivolously on death and destruction for the machinations of a few in power. Support your troops. Bring them home. Always tip your cabbie.
Shadow out

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babylonsister Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 10:56 AM
Response to Original message
1. shadowknows69, thank you for all your stories. I can imagine
what a toll hearing what you've heard takes on your soul, so you should step away for your own sake.
Just know that I appreciate your take and the stories you've heard; it's brought this war much closer to home for me, and as horrific as that might be, it makes me want it to end all the more.
So thank you! And I hope you do eventually write that book.
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mom cat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 11:24 AM
Response to Original message
2. Secondary PTSD is very real. Good for you for taking care of yourself.
Your columns have been very helpful and I wish you well in your quest to make your voice more widely heard. Keep us posted, and be sure to post any future work here. Best of luck!
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donsu Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 11:26 AM
Response to Original message
3. thanking you for your reports and wishing you well with the writing


mary jane can be a good friend in times like these

save your sanity
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lildreamer316 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 11:32 AM
Response to Original message
4. Yes, please take a break.
It is worth remembering why life is wonderful as well as why it is terrible. We don't want to lose you too.
Do what I did, retreat to the Lounge here and some specialized groups; hang out with good friends and family.
Venture back when you feel the need.
Life can be exquisite, when you give it time to come in and rest a bit.
Always glad to have you here.........
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elehhhhna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 11:53 AM
Response to Original message
5. finish that book . I want one.
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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 11:58 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. There was another story
that was supposed to be part of this one which is why it may seem a little disjointed and I substitued a more recent experience for it. It happened a couple months ago and it will probably be the hardest one I have to remember to write. I think I'll save it for the book though as it almost perfectly illustrates the futility of this war.
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elehhhhna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:25 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. the emotional toll this is taking on us all is exhausting, shad--
can't imagine being so close to the rawness of it on a daily basis. You're there for a reason. You know it. You're one hell of a good writer. Have you been getting the feeling that your whole life has been preparing you for all this? Just curious.
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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:35 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. I truly wonder about that sometime elehhhhna
I know I've helped some soldiers even if for just a fleeting moment that they could dump some horror they experienced on me. I'm a pretty firm believer in all things mysterious like fate and magick and the inconceivable dance which is our universe. Me even driving ttaxi again is coming full circle on a job I once swore I would never do again after an 8 year absence. I thought at one time it beneath me perhaps and some people I meet think so too mainly because I was once a quasi-celebrity in my hometown, but you know what? It's some of the most honest work I've done. I quit a better job due to ethical reasons and came back to it because its my only fallback. I take someone to their destination, engage them in some conversation if they wish it, get paid for my service, badda bing badd boom. No harm to anyone that they don't cause to themselves.

That being said I have to leave it soon because it taxes my soul. I'm too empathic for my own good and although I am fascinated with the human condition in all of its splendor, dark and light, I sometimes lose my own identity by absorbing the tales of so many others. I don't know if that makes any sense but it is something that has caused me to be somewhat of a social misfit most of my life.
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elehhhhna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:51 PM
Response to Reply #9
13. Got it. Completely.
Wonder no more. Just keep going.

p.s. if it helps any, know that you're suffering because your SUPPOSED to.



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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:56 PM
Response to Reply #13
15. Lol, not sure that helps
The Christian church had a pretty hard time selling me that one too. Its the one nasty thing about the whole "Fate" pill that you have to swallow to believe the rest of it isn't it. You're wise beyond your years Elehhhna, whatever those years may be. Honored to know ya. B-)
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elehhhhna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:58 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. forget the christianity baloney--
if you don't suffer over what you're hearing, you ain't human.

Get writing, dude! I want that book!

Elena
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blm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:27 PM
Response to Original message
8. Now you know what wintersoldier was all about during Vietnam.
.
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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:38 PM
Response to Reply #8
10. Not familiar with that blm care to expand?
n/t
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blm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:46 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. Just HEARING the tales of the soldiers testifying at wintersoldier
Edited on Fri Nov-03-06 12:47 PM by blm
back then traumatized many of the listeners - Any reporter who takes in the burdens of others to that extent feels the burden themselves. Happens to psychiatrists, social workers, priests and lawyers, as well.

I wish you the best, and understand your devotion to this.
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QuestionAll... Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:43 PM
Response to Original message
11. will miss your writing, shadow.
I like your style very much - you never seem to talk down to anyone, have no ego to stroke by the work with words you do. It's like having a trusted friend tell me these stories in a dimly lit livingroom with a cup of coffee or a beer.

but understandably you need your rest so all the best to you and yours. blessings and peace.
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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 12:54 PM
Response to Reply #11
14. Not going anywhere QuestionAll
Edited on Fri Nov-03-06 12:59 PM by shadowknows69
and thank you for the praise. I think that was part of my success as a local DJ and the reason 7 years since my last broadcast people still remember me and call me by my air name. Because I always went out to the local bars, just the one or two I drank at really, Dje'd at a few of them and got as shitfaced and stoned as the guy next to me. I had to stop going to a couple of my bars because my wife, gods bless her, would go out of her way to tell people "who I was" which while flattering beyond words always embarrassed me because I'm just not that guy. There were a couple times I started to become "that guy" and he wasn't a very nice fellow and even did things that hurt his wife so I don't miss him.

No I plan to keep writing something and hopefully more because its about the only creative outlet I have left right now and the one I can do without large amounts of capital or a job behind. By the way I'm a pretty good video and audio editor too for anyone out there hiring lol. Thanks again though QA. The people who have enjoyed these ramblings and let me know so have made me feel like the "good celebrity" again. Just one of the guys rappin about the way things are. I warn you all though I feel a depressing poetry phase coming on. B-)
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Karenina Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 02:53 PM
Response to Original message
17. Thanks, Shadow!
Do take good care of yourself. :loveya:
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Suich Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 03:13 PM
Response to Original message
18. I'll miss your stories a lot, Shadow, but I (think) I understand
the toll it has taken on you. What I like most about the stories is the fact that you have put a human face on the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I look forward to eventually reading your book. Best of luck to you.

Suich

PS: I ALWAYS tip my cabbie!

:hi: :hug:
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shadowknows69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 04:20 PM
Response to Original message
19. One kick for the night crew
n/t
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StraightDope Donating Member (716 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Nov-03-06 10:41 PM
Response to Original message
20. Shadow, I know EXACTLY what you mean...
Edited on Fri Nov-03-06 10:43 PM by StraightDope
I had a run in with some recently returned Iraq vets, and was struck by the same thing. In one breath, the glory and frenzy of killing is recounted with exhilaration, and in the next, the shock and horror of the reality of the carnage smashes through.

It's quite a dichotomy, to say the least.
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