Take a break, have a laugh (hopefully)

[Mythsaje]

Gather.com is running a contest for a bedroom makeover and my wife (strongly) suggested I participate. They ask for a humorous little essay stating why I might need the makeover.

Now humor, as such, isn't really my strong point, but this is what I came up with and I thought I'd share with you all.

******

Our house was built in 1910 and subsequently remodeled in or around the 1970s by a team of what I can only assume to be drunken apes. One look around this place and you’d have to wonder too.

There are SO many projects to get finished I scarcely know where to start.

My wife, the Boss, says that the bedroom is the place she thinks I should start. Unlike the plumbing, which is probably the most haphazard, stunningly ridiculous example of DIY (which, in this case, stands for “Destroy It Yourself”) I’ve ever seen, the bedroom only needs a relatively minor amount of work.

We’ll start with the floor. When we bought the place, we thought “ooh, hardwood.” Well, yeah. It’s hardwood. But it’s the under-flooring. I thought something was amiss (I’m new at this sort of stuff, so bear with me) since it was so rough looking, but I had no idea. Like I said, I’m new at this. Drywall I know something about. The rest of it? I’m learning as fast as I can.

We want to redo the floor, and fix the huge hole in the wall surrounding the useless chimney the drunken apes left in place after they took out what we assume was a wood stove from the living room. The wall is plastered rather than drywalled, and the smart money’s on ripping the whole wall out, getting rid of the remnants of the chimney, and putting up drywall. At least I know something about THAT part of it.

Being wiser than the average guy, (I hope), I don’t claim to know how to do things I’ve never done. I’m learning about all of this and this house provides a very steep learning curve. Any help I could get would be of immeasurable value. Currently I’m standing in the bedroom with a copy of “Home Repair for Idiots like YOU” on the verge of outright panic.

And if I didn’t at least try to win this contest, my wife would have made plans to shove me down the chimney and brick me up in it. She says she wouldn’t, but I know that look in her eye. I’m scared, and I’d better do something before it’s too late.

We want to put down an actual hardwood or composite floor in the bedroom, replace the broken wall, and get rid of the chimney. Or, at the very least, put down the floor and fix the wall. I’m not sure, if it came to a head-to-head fight between me and the chimney, that the chimney wouldn’t win. It’s brick and I’m only flesh and blood.

I beg of you. I need to win this contest. I’d like to see my 41st Birthday. If I don’t get some help, I’m afraid I won’t. If my wife doesn’t kill me, I’m pretty sure the house itself will.

In my more paranoid moments, I think they may be conspiring against me. The house kills me, my wife gets the insurance money, and the house gets remodeled by a professional. It’s a win/win. For everyone except me.

Please don’t let that happen.

******
The article on Gather, for those of you who'd like to vote it up and give me a chance of winning.

:)

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976833006

[Redstone]

1. I like it. I like it a lot.

Redstone

[Mythsaje]

3. Thanks...

I sent a copy to my wife at work in e-mail and she showed it to a few people there. Apparently they thought it was pretty funny.

I guess it's worth something to stretch one's wings occasionally.

:)

[Redstone]

4. Yes, indeed; your brain is as much a muscle as your muscles are, and needs

occasional exercise...meaning somethiing creative, not just work-type problem solving.

Redstone

[Mythsaje]

5. Oh, creativity isn't the problem...

I'm usually doing drama, action, and adventure, not humor.

[Redstone]

6. What I said. Still good to do something different, and you did it well.

Redstone

[qnr]

2. Sounds great to me :) n/t

[tandot]

7. Really funny. Voted it up!!!

In our household, I am (female) the one who is doing stuff like that. Installing a new faucet, repairing the toilet, fixing computer problems, assembling furnitures. I have way more patience than my boyfriend.

The whole family is making fun of us because I am doing the "guy stuff" ... I don't mind...and he doesn't mind.

[Mythsaje]

8. I know an author in Australia

She's a single woman who lives with her mom and she writes these long, amusing stories about how she does all the "blokey" things around the house. We keep telling her she could write a non-fiction book and hit it big with that as well.

Her specialty is futuristic romance, but these are genuinely hilarious.

I'm just slightly handier than my father is, and he's been a drywaller as long as I've been alive. He's not at all mechanical. The difference between us is that I recognize that I shouldn't mess with stuff I don't understand while he'll try to fix them and screw them up even more.

[tandot]

9. My step-dad taught me to do all kinds of handy work

He said it would be better if I knew how to do stuff, so I never would have to wait or rely on a guy to do it for me.

The last time my boyfriend was trying to fix something, he broke a really old faucet part that you couldn't get at home depot or any other store. We had to order it and it was over $100. We had to operate the shower with plyers for two weeks and his family was scheduled for a visit.

I love when a woman is able to write funny stories about home repair. She really should think about writing a book about it.

[Mythsaje]

10. That's what we keep telling her...

She should gather them all up and submit them as a non-fiction collection.