Dead Campaign Sketch

[Richard Steele]

The sketch:

A Voter enters a Campaign Headquarters carrying a laptop.

MR. VOTER: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The Candidate does not respond.)

MR. VOTER: Hello, Macaca?

Candidate: What do you mean "macaca"?

MR. VOTER : It doesnt mean anything, I just made it up.
I wish to make a complaint!

Candidate: We're closin' for the Grand Wizard’s funeral.

MR. VOTER: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this
campaign what I supported not half a week ago.

Candidate: Oh yes, the, uh, the “Virginia white”
...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

MR. VOTER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!

Candidate: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

MR. VOTER: Look, matey, I know a dead campaign when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.

Candidate: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable strategery,
the Virginia White, huh? Beautiful values!

MR. VOTER: The values don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Candidate: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

MR. VOTER: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (typing into the laptop)
Hello, FreeRepublic! I've got a lovely fresh mandate for you...

(Candidate hits the laptop)

Candidate: There, the numbers jumped!

MR. VOTER: No, they didn't, that was you hitting the laptop!

Candidate: I never!!

MR. VOTER: Yes, you did!

Candidate: I never, never did anything...

VOTER: (yelling at screen while typing) HELLO LittleGreenDingleberries!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Turns laptop around and points at BOE final vote tally.)

MR. VOTER: Now that's what I call a dead campaign.

Owner: No, no.....No, it's stunned!

MR. VOTER: STUNNED?!?

Candidate: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was closing the gap!
"Virginia Whites" stun easily, major.

MR. VOTER: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this.
That campaign is definitely defeated, and when I supported it not half a week
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired
and plum tuckered out following a prolonged grassroots GOTV effort.

Candidate: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the hollers.

MR. VOTER: PININ' for the HOLLERS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?
You’re from CALIFORNIA!

Candidate: The Virginia White prefers a backwoods facade! Remarkable strategery,
ain’t it, buddy? Lovely values!

MR. VOTER: Look, I took the liberty of examining that campaign , and I discovered
the only reason that it had been viable in the first place was that it had been
propped up by push-polls.

(pause)

Candidate: Well, it’s really gonna start cookin’ when we file some briefs!

MR. VOTER: "COOK"?!? Mate, this candidacy wouldn't "cook" a squirrel drumstick
if you put four million volts through it! It's fricking' defeated!

Candidate: No no! It's pining!

MR. VOTER: It's not pinin'! It's OVER! This campaign is no more!
It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it’s maker! You LOST!
Bereft of votes, it rests in peace! If you hadn't fudged the data it woulda
been pushing up the daisies a month ago! It’s metabolic processes are now history!
It's off the ballot! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off 'is mortal coil,
run out the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
it's OVER!
GET OVER IT- YOU are an EX-Senator!!

(pause)

Candidate: Well, I'd better make it right, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Sorry pal, I've had a look 'round the back of the HQ, and uh,
we're fresh out of campaigns.

MR. VOTER: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Candidate: I wrote a book.

(pause)

MR. VOTER: Pray, does it have a SEAT in the United States Senate?

Candidate: Nnnnot really.

MR. VOTER: WELL IT'S HARDLY A DAMN REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Candidate: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

MR. VOTER: Well.

(pause)

Candidate: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

MR. VOTER: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

[Art_from_Ark]

1. As the Prince of Wales said to Oscar Wilde,

"Very witty!"

[Richard Steele]

2. Aw, shucks! 'Tweren't nuthin! nm