Married DU'ers - Why did you get married?

[gollygee]

I think it might give a good illustration of why marriage rights are so important if we can show some of the real-world reasons those of us who got married did so.

My husband is from another country. We met while he was temporarily in the US, and we wanted to permanently live in the same country. Funny how that works. Also, I couldn't afford to support him so he needed to be able to find a job. I guess if a gay person falls in love with someone from another country, they're SOL? How sad. :(

Also, there's the whole health insurance thing.

I like the idea of being married, but as far as what rights we enjoy simply because we're married, those would be the two biggies for us.

[Jed Dilligan]

1. Not married--straight, live with girlfriend

I guess we're basically married but there isn't much reason for the formality. We both have jobs that pay for healthcare and aren't expecting to die soon, don't own any property to speak of and aren't really sure if we want to be together forever. Mostly, we both hate weddings.

You're pretty much SOL, btw, if you fall in love with someone from the wrong country. My friend's fiancee wasn't allowed in until Barbara Boxer personally intervened in response to a letter from my friend. The reason: she's Mexican. Mexicans are guilty until proven innocent in the eyes of immigration officials.

[stonecoldsober]

2. My wife and I were together for 15 years

before we got married. The impetus was health insurance.

[WindRavenX]

4. that might be the factor that makes us tie the knot too

Not that I mind it, but I know a LOT of people doing this.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. Because we were in love (and still are) and i wanted kids

[greenbriar]

52. Love and kids... 17 years TODAY

still going strong

[GreenPartyVoter]

55. *hugs*

[Kerrytravelers]

5. The commitment, ability to make decisions for the other one,

health care, everything that I take for granted.

If I couldn't get health care through him right now, I really be screwn!



Oh yeah, and we love each other. That's a big reason right there!


And, I have somebody who will do the laundry. That a deal maker right there!

[uppityperson]

6. legal, social reasons

legal: who owns what, financial stuff, insurance, etc. Makes it easier to financially act as a unit when buying a house, and with insurance.
social: making a commitment to the larger community that we would be a partnership working together, through good times and bad.

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

7. Between the two of us, we can manage about anything and the sex is great.

:-) MKJ

P.S. Married twenty one years.

edited to add, that's what teamwork's all about. MKJ

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

11. OK, fine, I'll be the only one to mention sex. (which equals intimacy, whatever, OK)

And, the benefits of figuring out how to manage various situations that appear in your lives, with the person that you love. MKJ

[Inkyfuzzbottom]

8. We got married...

So my self-employed boyfriend (now husband) could have affordable health insurance and the tax advantages.

[StrongbadTehAwesome]

9. Financial reasons, and to have our relationship taken seriously by family members.

Getting married didn't change a thing in the dynamics of our relationship, which other people seem to find weird. We didn't do it for us, but for other people to recognize what we already had.

The financial benefits kicked in immediately. We were 21, each paying our own way through school with no help from parents. BUT, if you're under 24 and not an orphan, the government still figures your parents' income to determine your EFC (what they think you can afford to pay for school). Thus, neither of us had qualified for Pell Grants or anything of the like for the last three years, even though we were beyond broke on our own. Got married, and suddenly the government recognized us as independent and we both qualified.

What else? Oh, we were allowed to live together without fights from the relatives about OHNOESLIVINGINSIN!!11!1 And I was able to have health insurance during those 6 months that he had a full-time job but I could only find part-time work.

[graywarrior]

10. Ummmmmmm. Something to do with legal stuff? Can't remember.

[GliderGuider]

12. By mistake. Both times.

For the life of me I can't figure out why gays are so eager to participate in such a spectacular failure of an institution. If someone had set out to deliberately devise a social construct that violated as many aspects of human nature as possible, they would have gotten a Nobel prize for inventing marriage.

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

15. GG, I agree, my marriage has survived in spite of, not because of, the institution.

We have one child, who is currently in college as we deal with the "no cash left behind" program.

Thankfully, we still get along and have sex and all that. However, we have separated once and been about to separate at least twice.

It's f***ing almost impossible to maintain a marriage in this society, in this culture.

:pals: We have many friends and family who share your experience. I guess that's why married couples are in the minority in the U.S. MKJ

edited to add: empty nest has worked out really well for us, since we are now remembering how much fun we had pre child. :-) MKJ

[GliderGuider]

17. It's utterly impossible for one person to be everything another person needs, forever.

The fundamental shortcoming of marriage, IMO, is that the expected level of exclusivity and permanence amounts to a Platonic Ideal that no one in the real word can attain. So we end up compromising our own souls in order not to be branded selfish failures. We shut up and suffer, we cheat, we lie to ourselves and our erstwhile loved ones. In order to "succeed" we accommodate ourselves to a set of constraints that become so undeniable over time that many are driven to escapist behaviour of one form or another.

I got suckered in both times because I have a Provider Gene. There is no worse setup for marital failure than possessing both a free spirit and a provider gene. The word antinomy was invented to describe the resulting dilemma.

Ever noticed that the only marriages that are lauded as successful are those in which one of the partners has died?

Now, that said, my parents just passed their 60th anniversary. They are still deeply in love, and still like each other as well. They are rara aves indeed. I always wondered what they know that I don't, or if it's all just blind luck?

[Mr_Spock]

26. lol - I was thinking that same thought the other day

I think I support gay marriage more than I support hetero marriage - lol

[Demeter]

35. It Wasn't A Mistake

If the person you're marrying has no intention of following through, then you are screwed (both literally and figuratively).

Short of personality and lie detector screening, what can those who long for life partners do?

[GliderGuider]

37. What can those who long for life partners do?

You pays you money and you takes your chances. Most people who get married have the very best of intentions. It's just that we are encouraged from all directions to buy the myth of Total Constancy, and sooner or later that ship runs aground on Reality Reef. Some couples survive that encounter but many don't, and most are damaged by the crash to some extent. People change over time, and often it's in incompatible directions. Frequently the cause is that you start out young enough that you don't even know who you are, let alone who you might turn into. When the inevitable changes occur, the couple runs straight into a wall of internalized social convention that defines any devolution in marital status as failure.

Marriage is a bad deal for a lot of people.

[Divine Discontent]

38. you are so sarcastic!

lol...

[DawgHouse]

13. Not married yet but living together for ten years.

We keep saying we should go do it but neither of us really feel the need right now. I think I'm holding out because my brother can't marry his SO. It's my way of protesting, which probably doesn't make any sense. Hopefully this will change and everyone will have the civil right to be married to the person they choose.

[SwingVoter2006]

14. She was 30, I was 19, and....

...no, she was not pregnant.

:)

We were in love. Like, REALLY IN LOVE. Still are. We celebrate our Lucky 13th in December.

Why marry? Lots of reasons. Mostly having to do with religious conviction, and our belief that a relationship that is worth keeping, is worth making vows for.

We also both grew up in households where our parents were married, faithful, and loving.

What a child witnesses in the home growing up has a huge impact, I think, on what the adult will try to re-create.

So far, we're doing OK. There have been really rough times, and really great times. The key is in refusing to quit or settle for a staid, loveless marriage; even when the romantic high of the courtship and the honeymoon has worn off.

I think marriage is great. I wish more people would do it, and stick with it. Our society would be better off.

[onecent]

16. We got married in a fever........

No, just kidding.

I lived with my second husband for 8 years and when he asked me to marry him I said yes.

Now we've been together for a total of 21 years, and I have enjoyed every moment of living with this man.

He loves children, animals, and is a prankster. He lives in present time, doesn't worry about the future or dwell over the past.

It's good.

[SharonAnn]

50. I guess we did. Married 9 weeks after we met. I was 34 and happily single

until I met him. He was twice divorced. I just wanted to be with him and couldn't see any reason to live together if we weren't committed to each other. He wanted to marry me and to my surprise, I said "Yes".

We've been married 27 years and are still happy. I give my husband a great of credit, if not all of it. He's a wonderful man and has always loved me, been honest with me, supported me in my activities, and never tried to change me. Naturally, I reciprocate.

[Horse with no Name]

18. To piss off my parents.

Well...you asked.:shrug:

[Mabus]

19. Because a gay couple talked me into it

My boyfriend had been proposing for years but I didn't see the benefit of it. One evening we went to dinner with a gay couple we know. They had had a commitment ceremony the year before and were in the process of getting all kinds of documents signed. They were signing documents to ensure that they would be able to make medical decisions for each other, writing their wills, re-doing their car registrations so both their names would be on the vehicles, and on and on. They told me that if I married my husband I would automatically get the right to do the type of things they wanted to be able to do for each other.

I thought about it. My husband is self-employed. I gave up my career to help him and if he died I would be up the creek without a paddle. Then I thought about my mom. She died of cancer and was in the hospital for a long time. It was a sudden diagnosis but my dad had the right to make certain decisions for her when she was unable to make them for herself. He also made sure that the hospital respected my mom's living will.

The next time my boyfriend proposed I accepted and we got married shortly thereafter. So, I like to tell people that a gay couple talked me into it because they did.

[gollygee]

21. Oh. They must not have gotten a copy of The Official Agenda.

you know, the one that has "destroy the institution of marriage" in bold letters at the top of it.

:D

[Mabus]

34. Worse

My husband and I are miscegenated. So not only did they encourage marriage but a mixed one.

[GliderGuider]

22. I knew it!

Those gays really are are a threat to straight peoples' happiness. The only fitting punishment for such Machiavellian deviousness is to let them get married too.

[Mabus]

32. Believe me

I've cursed them a few times for talking me into it but all of us are still friends.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

20. My husband is British, and the immigration process is a nightmare.

So we got married. We love each other, but marriage is just not that big a deal. I didn't get married in a church, so I'm going to hell anyway.

[Individualist]

23. Married long ago,

and damned if I can remember why. It only lasted four years before I divorced the SOB.

[Mr_Spock]

24. Wanted to have kids

Sounds stupid, but I'm not a big believer in marriage - wanted to do the "family" thing. It was the dumbest thing we ever did as it drove both of us extremely independent people apart from each other :(

[GliderGuider]

28. The only sibling in my family that had children was the one who didn't marry

My kid sister had a 19 year open relationship with a bisexual man, and they had two amazing daughters before she died of cancer at the age of 36.

Neither my elder sister nor I saw much point in kids, and ultimately even less point in marriage. Now, after my second marriage blew up, I'm living with a first-class partner who has three daughters. I guess life is trying to tell me something :-)

[haydukelives]

25. Love

And we wanted to start a life together
30 years ago this December

[asjr]

27. Because I was stupid.

[boolean]

30. LOL

Fo reals.

[HawkerHurricane]

29. It was The Right Thing To Do.

I loved her, she had my child, the Navy would pay extra for the spouse, all my friends were married, I hated living in a barracks, and it seemed a good idea at the time.

[Divine Discontent]

40. sounds like a winner to me!

:)

[SmokingJacket]

31. A mix of reasons, all of which might be valid for gay people too.

We did it party because that's just the next step to take when you fall in love with someone -- partly to mollify our families who'd be freaked if we had kids without doing it -- partly for tax and legal reason.

I really love being married (ten years plus) and think it stinks that gay people don't have the choice to do it, too.

[Divine Discontent]

39. ty, SJ, that was nice. n/t

[Clark2008]

33. Love... love... love.

My soul mate - my super man. Love.

And nothing more.

[Holly_Hobby]

36. We got married because of the marriage tax break

It saved us around $250....

Laughing about it now, but back then in 1985, it was alot of money.

[BrotherBuzz]

41. She was eight months pregnant when my Mom displayed some displeasure...

about the idea of having a bastard grandchild. We capitulated. :shrug:

[AnneD]

42. I was the origonal

run away bride. I didn't go down the aisle and bolt...I just never went down the aisle. I even had a child by my first partner. When I finally decided to take him to court it was a mess but I got custody in round one. After that I was even more determined to not comitt. Then came partner number two. It was classic "When Harry Met Sally', without the salad of course. We were never both ready at the same time. I finally left fot good and left no forewarding address. Darn if he didn't track me down. I begrudgingly spoke to him about every third or fourth time. Finally I came to understand that not only were there certain benefits by marrying, there was something to be said for two people standing up before everyone and saying I choose you. We are the best of friends (we knew each other for 13 years before we got married) and we have been married for 4 years and are very happy. I can't imagine being any other way.

[kineneb]

43. love, I guess

that, harmones, and very traditional family (mine)

We are still together after 25 years, lots of problems, job losses, failures of health, etc. We are either too stubborn to get divorced, or too lazy, I am not sure which. At this point, I am a caregiver, and Hubby is living one day at a time, with diabetes/dialysis/heart problems. I don't anticipate re-marrying after he shuffles off this mortal coil (I am 11 years younger than him, and much healthier).

[petronius]

44. Because I wanted to invite all my gay friends to the wedding and flaunt my sexuality at them!

OK, not really. In a nutshell, I'm in love with my wife. We know/understand each other better than anyone else, and she's a perfect partner for all the joys, trials, and uncertainties of life...

[liberal N proud]

45. We were already living together, in love and desired to commit to each other

That was 22 years ago and we are as much in love today as we were then.

[neebob]

46. Wow - not a single instance of

"because I grew up believing I was supposed to." Try asking divorced people - you'll get more truthful answers.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

47. 25 years ago. We thought we were in love. Now we are.

There's a lot to be said for compatibility and just sticking to it when you realize that it's not just rainbows, moonlight, and sex. We lived together for a year before marrying. Looking back, it was probably due to our insecurities more than anything else. Financial considerations, etc, had nothing to do with it.

We met while married to others and found ourselves always talking to each other and enjoying each other's company. We didn't actually get together (as in bed) until we had both shed our spouses for other reasons. We managed to finally get past the endless talking that is a bad substitute for "communication" and started paying attention to each other.

It's mighty nice to live with and love a person you also like.

[Red Right and BLUE]

54. It's mighty nice to live with and love a person you also like.

Amen to that.

[UofAWildcatJoanne]

48. Noah and I aren't married, but we've been together for so long that....

we might as well be. In the near future, we plan on getting married just because married people get all sorts of financial benefits. Also, I'd like to get onto Noah's health insurance because his is an HMO and mine is an exensive PPO...I guess that's what I get for being a teacher: I get the sh** end of the stick. Because, you know...after all: us teachers get paid MILLIONS of dollars, so easily we can afford expensive @$$ healthcare...*scoff* Please, sense my sarcasm. It gets me so angry that I have to pay almost $200 for my health insurance every month for a PPO that I rarely use, but need in case I get in a car accident.

So, yeah...when we are married, we can share a lot of our benefits and I THINK (don't take my word on it), there are tax benefits as well.

If there wasn't so many benefits for getting married, I could happily live with Noah for the rest of my life in a "civil union"...but then we wouldn't get the benefits. And if you want to be considered in a "civil union" with someone nowadays, you need to have a joint bank account. I'm quite weary about sharing anything with anyone, let alone the money I earn from work (or lak thereof). I trust Noah, but I just like to keep my independence...and because of that fact, we are not considered a "civil union" after all of our six years together...that really pi$$es me off...

So, that is why one day, we will get married...but not for any religious purpose whatsoever. Leave that to the crazies...

[melody]

49. We were the sanest people we knew

Which isn't saying a lot, given our families.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

51. K&%R I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO ALL GAY PEOPLE AT DU:

In the early days, there was LOTS of OPs that bothered me involving gay issues but I'm not at all sure if the DU gay community posted many of them. Several looked like a Billy Goat Gruff-bridge, with a troll lurking just under the headline. Well, elections are over now and this ole' ghost no longer feels a need to remain silent on EQUALITY FOR ALL!

When all that Foley mess came up I though - here we go - these people are bound to get pissed, as low class media whores associate decent, caring adults THAT HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH CHILD MOLESTERS with those predatory animals. I was never so happy to be wrong. Now, I have something to say.

I was NEVER so proud to have gay people at our site the day after the Foley scandal broke! It must have been tough to bite your tongues with all the bull-shit spewing from your TV. For once, silence DID defeat oppression. From now on expect to see my K&R on EVERY OP INVOLVING EQUALITY UNDER LAW FOR NOT ONLY GAYS BUT EVERYONE!

[Red Right and BLUE]

53. It was his idea

Just kiddding.

Well, it was, but it was VERY romantic. :loveya: We married after about 2 months together. It's been 3.5 years now.

Tax breaks and health care were more or less in the background as far as reasons why, but good things to have all the same.

[Ms. Toad]

56. Love, family, faith

Fundamentally, we believe in marriage; in creating families committed to caring for one another for the long haul. My spouse's parents and grandparents were together until one of the partners died. Same thing on my side of the family - my parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary.

The prospect of sticking together "forever" with all of the challenges that face any couple is something that for us is much easier (and perhaps only possible) with the ongoing support of family and our faith community. That support is part of the promise made by the gathered community to the couple in a Quaker wedding. So far its worked for us for 25 years.

...Oh... but you were addressing straight couples who can have their marriages legally recognized, weren't you?

We'd like the legal stuff too which we don't yet have: health insurance (my employer lost its health insurance and we can't find anyone else willing to provide domestic partner coverage), inheritance (my spouse has a trust which will vanish rather than pass to our daughter unless we can create a legal relationship between them before my spouse dies), taxes (as the only breadwinner I would have a MUCH lower tax rate if we could file jointly), and a legal relationship between our daughter and my spouse. Enough?

[Generic Brad]

57. Same reason as you

My wife is from another country. We had to go through the whole fiancee visa thing over twenty years ago in order to make it official and get her a work visa as quickly as possible. We considered ourselves committed for life to each other a year before we made it official. We only got married because of the required paperwork.