Adoption: Domestic Vs. International

[Last Stand]

My wife and I are considering adoption and we are conflicted as to which way to go. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.

On the plus side for Domestic: You can speak with the birth mother beforehand. You can adopt a newborn baby, whereas an International adoption can mean a minimum age of 9-15 months depending on the country. Better medical care and records, compared with countries that do Int'l adoptions. Potential for contact with birth parent(s) after the adoption if desired--this is now considered a healthy option for the adoptee later in life. Cultural sameness if desired. Better universal standards for adoption agencies within US. International paperwork/protocols can be very unpredictable and arbitrary.

On the plus side for International: Birth parents for Domestic adoptions change their minds, sometimes very late in the process. The process is usually shorter for Int'l, sometimes under a year. Domestic adoption is generally pricier. Reasons for birth parents putting children up for adoptions in the US are more likely due to bad genetics than wide-ranging economic limitations of poorer countries. Cultural diversity if desired. Interference by birth parents can be seen as a threat to some adoptive parents, and this is likelier for Domestic adoptions.

I've just listed a few things off the top of my head, but I'd like to get any feedback that any of you may have to offer, from whatever angle. I'd say there's a good case for either. Personal experiences, good or bad are welcome. :hi:

[uppityperson]

1. these are lots ob children to adopt domestically too.

Ones with medical problems, or born crack addicted, or toddlers, ot early school age. Good luck with whichever way you go.

Oh yes, adopting a healthy very young infant usually is more difficult, including making sure you are young enough and healthy enough, etc, where adopting someone over age 5ish is usually easier if you are not in the under 30 age/ove $80,000/yrincome range. (figures approximate)

[StraightDope]

2. Well, I was adopted internationally...

From Canada. I'd stay away from the international adoptions, otherwise you're apt to get a wee hellraiser like me! :evilgrin:

Seriously though, thank you for wanting to adopt a child. I would love to see more people interested in offering a home to an unwanted youth.

[BadgerKid]

3. A coworker of mine

and his wife adopted a domestic baby and an international toddler, both of whom were deliberately outside their own race. I think it has broadened their experience and understanding of people, both good and bad.

[Smarmie Doofus]

4. One more pro international:

Half the world is literally starving to death. Average life expectancy in Cambodia is 40 something. ( you currently can't adopt there from the US.) Parts of Africa are even lower.

Good luck , whatever you decide.

[LWolf]

5. I see a good case for either.

There is no lack of children who need loving homes and parents.

Two things come to mind when I'm thinking about adoption issues:

While, in my eyes, needy children are equally deserving of care regardless of where they come from, there is a part of me that thinks we should address the needy in on our street, then neighborhood, then community, region, state, and country, making sure that all within our borders have their needs met before we go further.

I'm wondering about the differences between national and international babies. If a family wants a baby with no on-going problems from drug use, lack of nutrition, etc. while in utero, is that going to cost more, and be a longer wait? Are you automatically agreeing to take on the physical and/or learning disabilities that come with drug babies, and the social-emotional damage that may have been done with any child older than a newborn? I'm guessing that there are many more of these children out there than the healthy infant with no damage done. Of course, all of the damaged children deserve love and care like any other, but that is often not what prospective parents are looking forward to when they plan parenthood. Where are you most likely to get a healthy, undamaged child, should that be what you are looking for?

[Vinca]

6. Kudos to you for adopting, no matter where the baby comes from.

My heart breaks whenever I see pictures of Romanian orphans in their worn, steel cribs. I guess I feel kids like that have absolutely no chance in life - none - vs. a baby in this country might be more fortunate just by being in this country. Good luck whatever you do.

[Last Stand]

14. Thanks to you and everyone for your kind replies.

I am of the belief that Adoption is nature's way of adapting. It often times introduces people who can't have children to people who can't keep children. JMO.

[ulysses]

7. we went domestic

and have an open relationship with our son's birthparents. I'm glad now that we did it the way we did, but it can be hard - we had five birthmothers change their minds late in the game.

Best of luck!

[City Lights]

8. I personally know four families who have adopted.

Two internationally, and two domestically. The only problem I'm aware of was with one of the domestic adoptions. The birth mother was going to have a bi-racial baby and picked this couple because they already adopted a bi-racial baby. I don't have all the details, but basically everything was signed and $17,000 in fees had already been paid, with a large portion going directly to the birth mother. Then the birth mother went missing. She changed her mind and fled the state. They are looking at their legal options to hopefully recoup their financial loss.

[LibertyLover]

9. I'm the mom of a child adopted internationally

My daughter comes from China. She is the light of my life. It took my husband and I about 2 years to complete the steps necessary to forward our dossier to China, but that was because he did not want to meet the social worker for the home study. He had had a bad experience with social workers during the divorce from his first wife and simply couldn't bear to talk to one again. However his kids from his first marriage decided to talk to him again and he was able to meet the social worker, who thankfully was a down-to-earth no nonsense individual. We decided to adopt from China for a variety of reasons. The first is that we were told we were too old to adopt domestically, or if we were approved, we would have to take a much older child with physical and/or mental challenges and attachment issues. We were not interested in a newborn or a baby, but I did not want to leap into parenting an older child with problems. The Chinese route offered us a toddler, in good health and more importantly, a girl. All in all, it cost us about $25,000. When our dossier was sent to China, October 8, 2002, we were told it would take about 20 or so months to get a referral. Two months later it was down to 12 to 14 months. Two months after that it was down to 10 months. Had the program not shut down for a few months in the spring due to SARS, we would have had our daughter in the summer, with a wait of only 8 or 9 months. As it was, we got our referral September 8, 2003, with only an 11 month wait. We got her on November 3, 2003, our trip being delayed a few weeks because of the October trade fair in Guangzhou, which is where the American consulate that processes adoption visas is located. Bethan has been our daughter for 3 years. She was 16 months old when we got her, walking, but not really talking. There were no attachment problems at all. In fact the day we got her, she was handed to me, crying. I held her for a while and she kept crying. I handed her to my husband, since he had had children before and I was worried I wasn't holding her right. He took her and she kept crying. After a few minutes, he handed her back to me because he wanted to take photos. I took her back, she looked at me, stopped crying, sniffed a bit and then nestled into my neck. From then on, if she were awake, I couldn't go anywhere without her. It took her a few days to attach to my husband but when she did, it was like a limpet. She is a beautiful little girl, intelligent, good at gymnastics, loves our dogs and her older sister. In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that she has a temper, is somewhat willful and may need some speech therapy (she has a large vocabulary and speaks in full sentences, but is sometimes difficult to understand, so her pre-school is thinking about telling us to have her evaluated). But she is also loving and caring. If I can answer any questions don't hesitate to PM me.

[StoryTeller]

16. Me, too. :-)

I enjoyed reading your story. It's similar in many ways to our story. I'm surprised DU doesn't have an adoption group--maybe we should suggest one. :) I'd like to get to know other DU'ers in the adoption community.

[StoryTeller]

10. Either way, a child who needs a family will get one.

Our oldest is adopted from China. We love her dearly. And we've learned a lot about international adoption through this journey.

My personal opinion is that families should not approach adoption as if you were deciding which grocery store to shop at. You need to make your decision based on what is in the best interest of the CHILD and which adoption program is the best fit for your family.

Parents in the U.S. don't give up their children due to "bad genetics." That's a gross trivialization of what is a heartwrenching process. Do your homework.

And don't go into an international adoption unless you are willing to accept and embrace the cultural issues that your child will face. There's also issues that come from being institutionalized in an orphanage--learn about them. Also, consider the ethical impact your adoption will have on the child's birth country.

Being an adoptive parent is not easy. It's rewarding, but challenging. I would encourage you to read a lot of books on the subject and look at some websites. Take classes from your local adoption agency and join some online discussion groups.

I don't have time right now to list any of those resources, but if you want to PM me, I'll be glad to work on it later or answer more questions for you.

[sugar magnolia]

11. What do you mean by "bad genetics"?

"Reasons for birth parents putting children up for adoptions in the US are more likely due to bad genetics..."

If you go international, you'll want to do some research on adoption agencies to make sure you're dealing with an ethical one. Sadly, there are more than a few instances where children in less developed countries are stolen or sold into adoption.

If you decide to go domestic, please keep in mind that until relinquishment the "birth parents" are still the parents. Even if the parents are planning to relinquish, that decision has to be re-made after the birth.

I am an adoptee who contacted my birth parents when I was in my early 30s. It has been a very valuable experience for me and I wish it had happened much earlier in my life. It has been wonderful to see my family expand and welcome my birth parents into all of our lives.

[benEzra]

12. As an aside--why is it SO expensive to adopt a child?

I know a number of people who would like to adopt, but simply aren't wealthy enough to do so. Not many people can just cough up $25,000.

My wife and I thought about adoption at one point--and for us, our preference would have probably been a nonwhite baby via a domestic adoption, IF we could have made it through all the red tape. But then our first child came along, with major medical issues, and then a second, healthy, child, so right now we're financially unable to adopt, and are stretched too thin with our son's medical issues to care for another child even if we could afford it.

I personally think that progressives should try to find ways to make domestic adoptions easier and less expensive; it bothers me to think of all the infants and young children in foster care, when there are people who would gladly provide them good homes and loving families but can't because they're not rich enough.

[LibertyLover]

13. Sadly, I have no good answer to your question - just the canceled checks

The only answer I can give you is that it's the fees. You have adoption agency fees which are thousands dollars - I believe ours came to about $8,000. For us, we had fees to the country our daughter is adopted from - as I recall it was $4,000 to the country, and just before we went over we were told about the $1,000 "gift" in cash to the orphanage we were expected to provide, not to mention physical gifts, 6 in total, 3 for men and 3 for women, of things made in the USA amounting to at least $25 a piece, not food and representing your state, and finally gifts of clothing for the orphanage, again not made in China (do you know how hard that is these days?). Then there are the US government fees for the fingerprinting and security checks and the visa to bring your child back, state fees for fingerprinting and security checks and the home study which for us was roughly $2000 and did not cover the 2 mandatory post adoption visits at 6 months and 1 year, each $400. The fire and health department inspections were "free" but we felt we had to donate $100 to the firemen's benevolent association. Then we had to have physicals with lots of expensive lab tests - luckily on this last my health insurance took care of all but $100 or so. Finally there was the expense of traveling to China and back to get our daughter. Our agency made the arrangements with a travel agent in Arizona (we live in Maryland). I could have done better making my own arrangements, but we felt we had to use the agent because of the in-country portion. Still it was roughly $5,000 when all was said and done for the plane tickets and hotels, food, ext. Finally, there are all the little things - $100 for visas, $50 for passport photos. At one point during the process I felt like I was simply a check-writing machine - $100 here, a $1,000 there. But in the end we have our daughter, so it was worth it.

[StoryTeller]

15. It really depends on the type of adoption.

There's different sorts of adoption programs. They vary on cost.

1) If you do a state-sponsored adoption (out of foster care or special needs), it's not all that expensive because you basically just have to pay for the home study and the legal fees involved with completing the adoption. The process for this varies by state, so the cost varies as well. But families still have to plan ahead financially because with either foster care or special needs, there is the potential for medical expenses that wouldn't be present with a child that has not been through the system or who does not have special needs.

2) Private domestic adoption: If you go through an adoption agency, it's a little more expensive than #1, but not a whole lot. You pay for the home study, legal fees, and probably some agencies fees that go toward staffing the adoption agency and the work they do on your behalf and on behalf of the birth parents.

If you do a completely private adoption--meaning through a lawyer instead of an agency--it can get expensive quickly. An attorney's fees are typically a lot higher than an agency's, and sometimes you end up having to cover some of the birth parents' expenses as well. Because there is no agency involved, each adoption agreements and the costs involved can vary greatly. I've heard expenses of over $30K are not unusual.

3) International adoptions: Again, the cost depends on several factors--which agency you go with, which country program you are dealing with, whether or not you have to make one trip or two to the child's birth country or whether the child is escorted to the U.S., whether or not the country's program is centralized or whether they use private adoption facilitators and lawyers.

For example, I think China's program (usually one of the least expensive ones) ends up being around $17K total--including travel to China. Some of the South American programs and Eastern European programs are the most expensive--ranging between $22-30K.

The fees involve a home study, fees to have documents certified by state and federal government, CIS (immigration) fees, fingerprints and background checks, legal fees in the child's birth country, donation to the child's orphanage, adoption agency fees, translation fees, travel expenses, etc. Sometimes, you also may be working with in-country adoption facilitators or lawyers, in which case, there are additional expenses.

However, the good news is that almost ALL U.S. families who complete an adoption--whether domestic or international--qualify for a tax credit to help offset those expenses. I believe it's $10K for all adoptions except domestic special needs, which is $12K. This tax credit begins to phase out at incomes of over $120K per year, as well. (I think it's $120K--somewhere around there, anyway.) So it's specifically designed to be of use to middle income families.

There's a growing number of foundations and organizations that provide grant money and other financial assistance to adoptive families, too. Most of this money won't be enough to cover an entire adoption, but it's a step in the right direction.