Sex and kids

[cynatnite]

My growing up was considerably different with a mom who barely got through telling me where babies came from. The rest of it I had to figure out on my own. At 17 years old I asked my mother for birth control. Nope, she said. It's giving permission. Well, boyfriend and I went to the drug store and he bought condoms. Who needs permission? And there went my virginity.

Before marrying my current hubby, I was divorced for six years. During that time I spent most of it in the Army and let me tell you, I played the field like it was a football field with as many players as possible. Along the way I got stupid and became pregnant. After considering all my options, single uneducated parent with only an Army career to put food on the table with, there wasn't many choices. So I had an abortion.

It took a lot of hard lessons along the way, but I realized if I wanted my kids to get a little better than I did I had to be honest with them about sex. So from the time my daughters turned 12 years old, they got the talk and with pictures, too. They know about sex, gay sex, straight sex, lesbian sex, BDSM, incest and the whole shootin' match. Not all in one setting mind you...I didn't want to scare the hell out of them. This went over a period of time through their Jr. High and High School years as they asked questions and I offered a bit of advice.

Oldest one went on birth control at 17 once she started becoming sexually active. Middle one is 16 and has had sex twice. We've had several talks on the subject and knows she can get birth control when she's ready. I expect it to happen in the next six months or so. She thinks she's in love right now.

Anyway, the point I want to make in all this is about how society treats sex and the human body. It's 'don't breastfeed in public', 'show a woman's crotch on a movie screen, but not a man's dick', 'big boobs rule' and more. We send these mixed messages to our kids, allow them to be inundated with imagery and the hypocrisy and we expect them to wait until marriage? What the fuck is up with that?

Women get sexualized to the degree that it's debasing, men are applauded for their oggling and wanting to screw their brains out and we preach to kids not to have sex. We shield them from explicit imagery, but allow graphic violence thrown at them.

Rather than try to find a line for my kids I said to hell with it and decided honesty was the best policy. With the exception of the seven year old (his time will come...gawd help me), the kids have at the very least had a glimpse of it all. The know it and they understand it.

They also know how to protect themselves with birth control...whether I know they're having sex or not, they know what 'no' means and that they can say it any damn time they want. If my mom couldn't stop me from having sex, then why in the blue blazes should I think my kids will be any different?

It's more than just getting pregnant or STD's. It's your life. AIDS is still there and still killing. It's also about my kids' self-esteem and I don't want them thinking they have to search for love under the sheets.

My view of sex isn't a romantic one. It's sex. It's an act between two consenting adults...well, sometimes more. LOL Maybe that's why I approach this so pragmatically. I've beem married for 18 years now and sex is the least romantic thing in our relationship. Sex is wonderfully hot and I love it. So does he...I hope :smoke:

Basically I'm saying society should be honest with kids about sex...both the good and bad. Enough with trying to shield them because it's a fake attempt at trying to be moral with the hypocrisy imbedded in it.

P.S. This was prompted by a discussion on another list. One supposed liberal said talking to kids about it could mean *gasp* instructions on how to do it. It just set me off like no other.

[windlight]

1. Not wanting to

Jump on your bandwagon.. :) I couldn't agree more. Kids really need to know the facts about everything (age/maturity relevant of course).. about all i got was 'don't get a girl pregnant' :wtf: how do i stop that? Anyhow, good for you being such a wonderful mom.:applause: :yourock:

[cynatnite]

3. Some teenagers' head is gonna explode...

either that or follow the instructions. Least that's been the consensus for some people on this list.

It just drives me batshit crazy that society has a dark ages attitude about sex.

Thanks for the compliment. With all our kids get thrown at them, the least I can do is be honest with them about it.

[lvx35]

2. Seriously, damn.

The insane rift between adults and teen kids on sex is bad. Basically, you've got teen kids getting raped, getting STDs and pregnant, and all kinds of terrible stuff...Meanwhile, our society builds this massive wall between healthy adults and teen kids regarding sex or talking about the issues at all, so its not till AFTER they've been exposed to the most bad and dangerous situations that they can get real good information from mature people. Its just messed up.

[madmusic]

4. Candid post...

And I agree that sexual repression is very dangerous and quite possibly the source of many disturbed sexual "indiscretions," from the foolish to the criminal.

Thank you for your military service. Even the naughty part. :)

[cynatnite]

6. It was for a good cause...

;) :rofl:

On one end, we've got sexual repression and on the other we get it thrown in our face. No wonder kids are so damn confused.

[SoCalDem]

9. I think it's uncomfortable because , at the same time teens

start wanting sex, their parents are coming to grips with their own "lost" youth..and start having second thoughts about their own lives. admitting that their kids "might" be sexual beings takes them to another level..one that they may not be ready to accept :)

We were always forthright with our sons, and thankfully, they all made it to adulthood without getting a disease or creating another human being :)

[lapislzi]

5. Tell it like it is, mom

I am basically following the same plan with my daughter, now 13. I figure if I can just keep the lines of communication open (not always easy with a teenager), I can head off a lot of heartache and trouble down the road.

Sounds like you're doing a great job. Your kids are lucky--I hope they've figured that out!

[cynatnite]

8. I got in lots of trouble over the years...

I liked sex and enjoyed the hell out of it. Then I felt guilty because I wasn't married to who I had sex with. Then the irresponsibility I practiced on top of it all.

I didn't want my kids to suffer the way I did about this. It was harder than hell. Fortunately, my kids all have good heads on their shoulders and are glad they could come to me.

In the end, it's just about being honest with them and not talking down to them. I think that made the difference.

[Arkansas Granny]

7. Your kids are lucky that you are willing to give them the information

they need to make these decisions and keep themselves safe. You can preach all you want to against something, but until you make your kids aware of the dangers and what they can do to protect themselves, your "lessons" will probably go in one ear and out the other. When you give them knowledge you give them the tools they need to grow up to be responsible adults.

[bemildred]

10. Yep, it's not magic. We don't need any taboos.

Kids just need the facts.

[VelmaD]

11. Free, unsolicited advice

if your middle kid has had sex at least twice (that you know of) and thinks she's in love...don't wait another 6 months on the birth control.

I think your post RAWKED btw. Kudos to you for being so open with your kids. My parents were pretty open with me and I managed to get this far (age 36) without an unwanted pregnancy.

[cynatnite]

15. The two times before...

were with idiot guys that she listened to rather than me. This guy is one we really like and she believes she'll mess it up by having sex too early. She wants to wait a while and given the talks we've had, I believe her. She doesn't want on it right now. I'm not going to force it.

My family is very conservative. They didn't want to 'encourage' me to have sex by talking about it. :rofl:

[VelmaD]

16. She sounds like a sensible kid

My favorite is when they say teaching sex education will "promote sex"...like it's something you have to take out a billboard to convince kids to do. *snort*

[Left Is Write]

12. I wish people could understand that trying to keep the facts of life

some kind of "dirty little secret" from kids is NOT GOING TO PREVENT THEM FROM HAVING SEX.

In fact, treating it as a shameful secret, regarding sex ed as "giving permission" or providing "intstructions on how to do it" is more than likely going to result in a kid who has sex anyway, but won't even consider discussing it with his or her parents.

Withholding information puts kids in danger. Period. Why don't some people GET that?

[cynatnite]

13. One thing that's rarely discussed...

is the response of the human body to erotica and whatnot. People are taught that the great feeling is bad...the big evil.

Gawd supposedly said sex was bad unless it was between a married man and woman. Society, in its stupidity and ignorance, agreed. Society is still ignorant and stupid, but also hypocritical and less than honest about the subject.

[jokerman93]

14. Good on you! n/t

[valerief]

17. More moms should be like you. I think we all know that sex is

used by the powerful as a tool to control us by making us feel ashamed or frustrated/angry. They channel those feelings to do their bidding.

We know most people have children because they've had sex and pregnancy was the consequence. They don't have sex to have children (for the most part). It's like—most fat people get fat because they want to eat more than they want to burn off those extra calories. They don't overeat for the purpose of getting fat (for the most part). That's just a consequence.

Learning how to control the consequence is what kids need to know. There's no way in hell they can learn to control the desire. That's what makes people crazy and vulnerable to the exploitive powerful.

[helderheid]

18. you are SO RIGHT. I spent time in the Netherlands where the body

is not considered an evil sinful thing - where bare breasts on the beach (and TV) is normal and nothing to gasp at, where I could breastfeed my son without nary a look my way, and where the children are educated about sex. It isn't evil, it is natural and despite poeple not wanting their kids to grow up, it WILL happen. Educate, educate, educate!

You are a wonderful mom.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

19. We had a lot of animals that

did the wild thing all over the place. When they (my kids) started asking questions, I drew pictures on the fridge with dry erase marker (you knw, ovaries, uterus, penis, etc.) Then I left "the Joy of Sex" hanging around and was available for questions. Evidently it worked well.

[cynatnite]

20. That cracks me up...

using the dry erase marker on the fridge. I'm gonna carry that image around with me for a while. I better not try that. My drawing skills have a lot to be desired. I drew a penis once and it looked like a heart on top of a tree trunk.

You go with what works and I like that.

[riderinthestorm]

29. As a farmer and horse breeder, my kids have also been exposed since Day One

of their lives to reproduction, the body and our desires. By making it a natural part of the cycles of our lives, my kids are entirely unself-conscious about it all. They understand everything about sex since we have always treated the subject as a part of life rather than some "BIG DEAL".

When you have to pick up the cooler of semen at the airport with your 3 year old, you just have to explain what's going on. There's no lying to them - especially when you are doing it over and over every spring (and that's to say nothing of the innumerable vet visits they have/had to endure: the insemination process, ultrasounds to ensure pregnancy following insemination, palpation for follicle readiness etc.)

[in_cog_ni_to]

21. Great post.

That's exactly how I'm handling it with my son. When he decides he's ready for sex, he'll have a box of condoms...el PRONTO. He knows all about sex and has for years (he's now 13). When he was 12 and started being interested in girls, I started having 'that chat' with him and he said, "Mom! I'm only 12!" Whew! He wasn't interested then, but will be very soon.

I KNOW from experience.;) I KNOW there's not a damn thing I can do to stop him if and when he decides the times is right. That's just life. When that time comes...he'll be prepared.

[cynatnite]

22. I've wondered how to handle it with our little boy...

He's seven and I know that time will be upon him and us before we know it. With our girls, hubby let me handle all that. I was more than fine with it.

With our son I ask myself...should I talk to him or should my husband? He's a man and a pretty good one. I've asked him what he thinks and he kind of shrugs his shoulders and says he would if I wanted him to, but I want to make sure our son is well-informed and knows what to do.

[in_cog_ni_to]

26. He's seven? Get this book..."IT'S SO AMAZING!" A book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families

That was my son's first introduction to sex....at 7 years old, with that book. I gave it to him and let him look it through as much as he wanted and felt comfortable with (it has alot of pictures) and then let him ask questions. At 7, he didn't have many.:) It opened the subject to be discussed FREELY. We talk about sex all the time now. He's not the least bit intimidated about discussing it and he knows he can come to us at anytime and get his condoms....when he's ready.

[immoderate]

23. Truth!

...is good.

--IMM

[Tatiana]

24. I think kids/teens/adults should wait until they are in a committed relationship before having sex.

(Prepared for flames....)

Of course, I didn't and that was a big mistake. That being said, I believe in being totally open and honest with our children about sex. You don't have to give them an instruction manual, but you can let them know that they can come to you with any questions or concerns they might have. And we should also stop freaking out about the questions they may ask. As parents, we should be prepared to answer them and not be judgmental.

I know I will discuss the issue with my daughter. I will encourage her to value herself and her body and save sex for someone who is committed to her (and has been tested). However, I will definitely educate her about birth control options, protection, and personally walk her down to Planned Parenthood if need be.

[cynatnite]

27. Most adults prefer teens to wait...

Doesn't always happen, so we do the best we can to help them. My daughters know about the abortion I had and they know I was a promiscuous gal back in the day. The reason they know is so they will understand what happens when irresponsibility and immaturity rules the day. It's helped in a lot of our talks.

Being honest with our kids starts with being honest with ourselves, IMO.

[VeggieTart]

28. But WHY?!

I realize you are not saying "married," but "committed," but why do we give such emotional import to sex?

It's absolutely vital to tell kids about sex, about their options, that masturbation is perfectly okay and the safest sex of all, that some young men desire other men and some young women desire other women and that's okay, etc.

Telling kids how bad sex is makes them even more likely to want to do it. Abstinence-only miseducation increases rates of teen sex, teen pregnancy, and transmission of sexually transmitted infections. Treat kids like responsible, thinking human beings, and they will wait, and they will use protection.

[boston bean]

25. Every parent should have their girls get the HPV vaccine.

Alot of people don't understand HPV.

So here's a quick lesson as I understand it.

It is a sexually transmitted disease.

Men pass it on to women.

HPV is possibly a precursor to cervical cancer.

You should not freak out if you have an abnormal pap smear that shows you test positive for HPV.

If you test positive, the vaccine will not be of benefit to you. You will probably have to have a colposcopy and re-paps every six months or so until you have three negative paps in a row.

Now this is in no way medical advice. Every woman should discuss HPV with their GYN or doctor.

If you are sexually active and not in a committed relationship you should get the vaccine. If you have been married for years to the same partner and have never had an abnormal pap and you intend to stay in a commited relationship you do not need the vaccine.

It is very important for girls who have not yet become sexually active to get the vaccine.