Office of Senator Norman Coleman
U.S. Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510
Re: Your Decision Not to Run for President
Dear Senator Coleman:
My wife (Elsbeta Toth) and I are both long-time Republican voters. We are also two of your biggest fans. We’ve been following your political career ever since you lost the Minnesota Gubernatorial Election to that ex-wrestler, Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Since that dark day, we’ve watched with pride your political comeback and reemergence as one of President Bush’s top guys in Congress.
Elsbeta and I know you agonize over all the important decisions you have to make up there in the Senate. You never do anything rash or stupid -- unlike a lot of other people. We think it's also a mark of your intelligence and heart that after all your agonizing, you've voted 98% of the time in favor of all of Mr. Bush’s key programs! You’re clearly a deep thinker. This is just one of the many reasons Elsbeta and I like you so much.
But don’t think we haven’t also appreciated your principled stand on family values. Elsbeta and I had tears in our eyes watching you vote to prolong the life of Teri Schiavo. (It wasn’t your fault that she was brain dead at the time. No one can blame you for that. Heck, even Bill Frist, a recognized man of medicine thought she was OK. She certainly looked vibrant and alive to me and Elsbeta!)
We have also appreciated your support for the President’s War in Iraq and his generous tax cuts that have done so much to stimulated our economy. (As good Republicans Elsbeta and I actually framed the $20.47 check that we got back from the IRS as a refund from that tax cut. It’s still hanging proudly in our living room, right next to your smiling picture).
However, I take pen in hand today to express my shock and dismay on learning that you have decided not to run for President in 2008. I learned about this terrible news in an article in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune. The article quoted you as saying:
“I'm not running for vice president. I'm not running for president. ... If nominated, I won't run"
Given my past support for you, you can well imagine my reaction when I learned of this horrible development. I’ve been in a state of depression ever since. I still haven’t had the heart to tell Elsbeta. She'll be devastated too.
You see, Elsbeta and I recently sold our home and furniture here in Indiana. In fact, we have to move out per our contract later this week. Just yesterday I made arrangements to rent a U-Haul. We sold our home and other belongings to raise money so that we could relocate to Minneapolis by 2008 and contribute money to your Presidential campaign. It was our fervent hope that, on arrival, we could attend the Republican Presidential Convention, see you get the GOP nomination for President, and then proudly watch you make your acceptance speech. I know from your voting record that you’re a decisive but thoughtful man. That’s why I still harbor a faint hope that maybe, somehow, in some way, you’ll see fit to change your mind about not running for President. If you do, our family’s long-held dream of seeing you in the White House could yet become a reality.
I’m know that this letter is probably only one among many in an avalanche of similar correspondence that you're undoubtedly getting on this matter, but please, Senator don’t treat it lightly. Bow to the calls of your supporters! Please, please, reconsider! Your country so needs you! Don't turn your back on her, Senator Coleman!
I’d imagine that right now you’re thinking: “Wow, Poor Mr. And Mrs. Toth! They should have checked with me before taking that big step and selling their house!”
Yes, I guess we should have. But Elsbeta and I read a long time ago that Karl Rove was "grooming you for higher office". Then, we learned that you had spent all that money to have your teeth capped. After that, Elsbeta and I were convinced that your “hat was in the ring” for 2008. Given these obvious hints at a candidacy, we didn’t think that directly asking you about a 2008 Presidential run was necessary. Clearly, you’d never have had so much cosmetic dental work if all you wanted to do was make another run at a measly Minnesota Senate seat. Sadly, I guess we were wrong.
I don’t mean to imply, of course, that your dental work wasn’t worth the money. Far from it. I’ve seen for myself the “Before” and “After” photos of your mouth that your dentist posted on his Internet website. In fact, his website still has them up. Here’s the address in case you want to take a look for yourself:
http://www.rawstory.com/exclusives/byrne/norm_coleman_featured_smile_124.htmQuite a contrast, eh? I guess you sort of made dental history, didn’t you? Heh, heh.
By the way, I hope you aren’t offended when I tell you that those old yellowish ones that you used to have (probably from all that marijuana you smoked back in your student radical days at Hofstra) -- well, let's face it, they just weren’t very flattering. It was also smart of you to have that big gap you used to have in the very front surgically corrected. (Hey! Maybe you could discreetly supply the name of your dentist to Condi Rice!) Anyway, the main thing is that now you're really photogenic! No wonder you have that big grin on your face in all your official pictures!
Anyway, how about it? Couldn’t you just reconsider about not running for President? Don’t feel like it’s too late to change your mind. After all, you’ve changed your mind in the past about other matters and it always worked out well for your career.
For example, remember back in your radical days at Hofstra when you told the campus newspaper:
“These conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do (purity, you know).”
See, you don’t feel that way about conservatives now, do you? You weren't afraid to change your mind after "family values" became so important to you in your more mature years. Heck you probably were OK with abortion back then and maybe even had a few friends that were homosexuals. But you changed your mind!
And how about back in 1993 when you ran for Mayor of St. Paul and said:
“I am a lifelong Democrat. Some accuse me of being the fiscal conservative in this race — I plead guilty! I'm not afraid to be tight with your tax dollars. Yet, my fiscal conservatism does not mean I am any less progressive in my Democratic ideals. From Bobby Kennedy to George McGovern to Warren Spannaus to Hubert Humphrey to Walter Mondale — my commitment to the great values of our party has remained solid.”
Now you align yourself with Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater. See? You changed your mind again!
And remember when you chaired Democratic Senator Paul Wellstone's re-election campaign in 1996 and were making his nomination speech at the 1996 state convention and said:
"Paul Wellstone is a Democrat, and I am a Democrat."
That didn’t stop you from again changing your mind, becoming a Republican, and running against Senator Wellstone in 2002, did it? Heck, if you hadn't changed your mind, you probably wouldn't even be in the Senate today – well, that and the minor fact that Senator Wellstone died in a plane crash in the middle of the campaign. But the main thing is that you changed your mind!
So don't be so squeamish about changing your mind on a Presidential run. Don’t feel like you can’t back out of your promise that you made to that stupid newspaper. There are higher principles at play than mere newspaper promises. We need a man of principle like you in the White House, Senator Coleman! Your decision not to run was then. This is now!
And think about this! Assuming you won (and Elsbeta and I know you’d be a shoo-in), you’d be the first President named “Norm” to occupy the White House! Repeat it out loud a few times! President Norm Coleman! President Norm Coleman! It certainly has a ring to it, doesn’t it?
Well, I guess that’s about all I have to say. I really hope you change your mind. But if you don’t, don’t worry about Elsbeta and me and all the money we lost selling our home. We’ll get along somehow. If we can’t have you as President, there are still a few other Republican “heavyweights” around that Elsbeta and I could probably back that reflect our values and that we throw our support to. (I’m sort of leaning to Rep. Tom Tancredo or Gov. Haley Barbour – but only if Alan Keyes isn’t nominated. Elsbeta prefers Liddy Dole or Kay Bailey Hutchison. But remember, Senator Coleman, you’re still our first choice!).
So, keep on smiling, big fella! And keep on doing President Bush’s bidding up there in the Senate! We’re all with ya here in Indiana!
Your friend,
Lazlo Toth
Voting for Republicans (both unindicted and indicted) since 1952!
(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)
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