For all those who ask why do gays have to flaunt being gay

[dsc]

I have a new principal at my school and we just had our first faculty meeting under her leadership. One of the many things we did was fill out a small questionaire entitled getting to know you. One of the questions, tell us about your family. Now a gay person in a relationship in essence gets faced with two choices, either answer truthfully and out him or herself or answer falsely. This is just one of the hundreds of times that this sort of thing comes up. As long as are you married or do you have kids or how's your wife are questions at workplaces, then gays will, if they wish to be truthful be flaunting being gay. My point, it isn't flaunting being gay to want to be able to discuss the same kinds of things that others do.

[aquart]

1. How is your family her effing business?

My, what an intrusive little questioner she is.

Dear Ms. Principal: I am the first of my family not to be an ax murderer but that's okay because I went to college and they're proud of that.

[dsc]

3. I frankly found it a tad invasive

but at least I could answer honestly without divulging things I don't wish to divulge.

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

7. LOL, what aquart said!

:rofl:

I thought the same thing, i.e. why ask questions about family, et. al. which aren't any of her business.

But, I wasn't nearly as funny. :-) MKJ

[slackmaster]

11. That was the first thing I though of as well

:nuke:

[GymGeekAus]

55. Many reasons, actually.

I'm sure if you think about it, you can come up with some.

I for one am no defender of the closet. It's innately unhealthy. Especially given how some people end up using it. ((cough cough))Foley((cough cough)).

[aquart]

56. I'm not even THINKING of closets.

I'm thinking of empty bedrooms because the child died, or the full ones with aging, insane parents. I'm thinking of people who fought their way off welfare, going to school with small children. I'm thinking of ten thousand things that are none of that bitch's business unless someone CHOOSES to tell her.

[GymGeekAus]

58. So let's do the openers, then.

Some of it is his/her business. It can affect your job. It can affect your needs. It can affect the community you're in, and in very broad ways.

But mostly, don't you think the principal is just wanted to establish something more than a workplace at the school? Something more along the lines of a community? Heaven forbid the principal was just trying to get to know everyone better, giving everyone an opportunity to share what they chose to share in full knowledge that people would keep most of their lives private anyway.

You're already calling her a bitch. I guess you've uncovered some definite motive in her actions, huh?

I dare say you have a problem.

[aquart]

61. You don't do it filling out forms only she gets to read.

So, yeah, bitch is still the active word for me.

[GymGeekAus]

64. Qualifications for your conclusion, please?

I mean, you claim to have a better understanding of her job than she does. You must have some credentials then--she probably had to get a license to do her job, you know. And a masters, too. Heck, doctorates aren't that uncommon amongst school principals. Along with a certain amount of classroom experience, as well as some management training and a whole slew of district employee guidelines. It's not a career one wakes up in, you know.

Your credentials must at least compare, right?

Your whole argument is just so hollow. It boils down to "she's a bitch to have asked." Quite clearly, there are other concerns at hand--legitimate ones at that. But the ones I casually presented got dismissed outright, without discussion. And the argument brought back to the word "bitch."

Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Such hostility. Does it win lots of arguments?

[ThomCat]

97. I have to agree with Aquart on this one.

Unless equally invasive information is being shared up and down, and unless there are guarantees in place that it won't be used prejudicially, there's no legitimate reason that anyone should be forced to reveal personal, private information on the job.

There should be a wall between work and private life, and I don't like anyone casually piercing that wall, especially when someone is power is forcing it on subordinates.

[slackmaster]

68. I disagree with most of your premises

Some of it is his/her business. It can affect your job. It can affect your needs.

Sexual orientation, marital status, etc. are things that employers are legally prohibited from using as a basis for discrimination. You are correct that a person's personal situation can affect his or her job, but they are still none of the employer's business. They only affect what options you select on your benefits.

It can affect the community you're in, and in very broad ways.

It's none of your employer's business, and none of your community's, either.

But mostly, don't you think the principal is just wanted to establish something more than a workplace at the school? Something more along the lines of a community? Heaven forbid the principal was just trying to get to know everyone better, giving everyone an opportunity to share what they chose to share in full knowledge that people would keep most of their lives private anyway.

That sounds all warm and touching, but the only appropriate context for discovering that kind of personal information about an employee is casual conversation in which the employee voluntarily discloses it.

[dsc]

87. Discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation isn't banned here

In this county it is kind of a middle ground. No offical non discrimination policy but saying derogotory things about gays is considered a form of sexual harassment. Kind of leaves me in limbo to some extent.

[ThomCat]

99. Even in the few places where it is illegal

it's damned hard to prove, so most of the time people are going to get away with discriminating based on sexual orientation.

All the more reason for private information to stay private unless you choose to reveal it.

[ThomCat]

98. Well said. Excellent points.

:applause:

If personal information MUST be revealed then it's an invasion of privacy, not warm and fuzzy communication.

[DemoDemoCratCrat]

72. other reasons

dsc has already stipulated that the principle's intent was constructive, so no need to discuss that.

There are so many reasons that a person might be put on the spot by this kind of question.
Examples:
death of loved one
disease or health issues
financial trouble
cultural factors
social entanglements (such as, my daughter is dating your son and you didn't know)
business, investments
court/legal issues

Managers are supposed to know not to ask for personal information. I bet the superintendent would be glad to provide professional training to the principle.

[dsc]

66. In fairness

I think she is just trying to learn names etc of a very large faculty. She is in charge of a school with something like 100 teachers. I don't think it is an evil plot.

[slackmaster]

67. I'm heterosexual and would decline to answer the question

The issue is personal privacy. Employers have no business soliciting that kind of personal information about anyone, at any time.

We're talking about a question that is legally indefensible if you ask them to someone you are interviewing as a prospective employee. Asking about someone's family or living situation creates an appearance of fishing for information about things like marital status, childbearing intentions, religion, and sexual orientation.

All of those things are explicitly prohibited from being used in hiring decisions. That kind of information could also be misused in promotion, salary, layoff, disciplinary, or firing decisions. An employer who asks, after hiring someone, questions that would be inappropriate during a job interview, is acting very foolishly.

I really wouldn't want to work for someone who is that lacking in judgement.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

73. $1 dollar says she learned this at a "sensitivity training" conference

"Get all your employees together and have them share stories of their home life or times they have spent with friends and family. It's a great icebreaker!"

That comes direct from a handbook I got at some very PC management and supervisors "diversity training" retreat when I was in retail.

Maybe the principal didn't get the gist of the whole face to face group thing, but I think that might be even more invasive for someone who's shy or doesn't want to divulge.

The very programs that are supposed to "enlighten and encourage diversity" are the ones who push this stuff. Sometimes the road to hell is paved with those good intentions.

[slackmaster]

76. I have no doubt the OP's boss had golden intentions

There are some things you just don't ask people who aren't your personal friends, especially when you are in a supervisory relationship with them.

[GymGeekAus]

84. Seems to me that this is so false.

After all, every job I've ever had asked for emergency contact information.

HOW DARE THEY! IT'S INVASIVE! OFFENSIVE! THOSE BITCHES!

Now, about that closet....

[dsc]

85. This wasn't contact info

which is an entirely different thing. This was tell us about your family. I don't think she meant to be evil but my point is that on this site and other places gays are accused of wanting to flunt being gay when we get asked, in this case by mistake, all the time.

[ThomCat]

100. An emergency contact name and number is one thing.

But wanting an explanation of the relationship, or any other personal information is rediculous.

One necessary piece of information (emergency contact) is not the same as the other (personal information). I'm surprised if you don't see the distinction.

[mondo joe]

101. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. My boss knows about my family.

I know about the families ofthe people I supervise.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

2. What sort of person asks why gays have to flaunt it?

To hell with them.

[sniffa]

75. the same who say you're jamming it down their throats

LuckiLy, there's none of those here on DU.....

[stepnw1f]

86. lol

"the same who say you're jamming it down their throats"

so true

[Skinner]

4. If someone considers it "flaunting" to reply honestly to a question about your family...

...that person is a moron and a homophobe.

[dsc]

8. there have been more than a few threads where this has come up

I am just saying.

[aquart]

57. Seriously.

I always thought "flaunting" was stubble and high heels.

[Marnieworld]

79. Word!

:D

[Jamastiene]

95. Thank you.

Someone needed to say that.

[MadMaddie]

5. You are absolutely right....it's a double standard

We all want to be included in the conversation withought being judged....sadly this is the America we live in...it is changing but slowly...

[Bonobo]

6. DSC, this seems like a good opening to ask a question...

I hope you don't mind... You don't know me, but I assure you that this is meant as a serious question with no desire to be insulting. Here goes, then: What is the explanation for the "lisp" that some gay males put on. Why do some people do this? I have always wondered and I once asked a gay friend who is very political, very self-aware and who does NOT speak with that affected voice. He had no idea as to the answer. Do you?
Thanks.

[dsc]

10. I would assume it isn't put on

My dad is a retired speech therapist (no I am not kidding) and among other things he taught kids not to speak with lisps (also not to stutter etc)

[Bonobo]

18. Well, not the lisp so much...

I really mean the affectation that some gay men do.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

35. Huh?

[ScreamingMeemie]

42. Affectation??

:shrug:

[LostinVA]

44. What affectation, pray tell?

[Touchdown]

103. "pray tell" might be a clue.

As another gay man, there are so many cliches that enter my mind when those words are said. Not the least of which is hands on hips.:evilgrin:

[Sapphocrat]

110. Pssssssssst! Touchdown...

LostinVA is a lesbian.

[Touchdown]

111. So she gets to use "pray tell" then?

It's still a little priggish to use it IMO, but then I have a fairly low opinion of cotillion talk... Too Merchant/Ivory for me.

Sorry Lostin. :hi:

[Jamastiene]

88. Just to annoy you, probably.

While we are on the topic of asking each other questions, why do straight males pound their chests, act all machismo, and adjust their privates so much in public?

[Touchdown]

107. Gay ball scratcher here.

Hey, they get sweaty, and get in the way. Sheesh! Don't watch. :eyes:

And...I've never seen a straight guy pound his chest. Pro-wrestlers do that, and its an act.

[Jamastiene]

115. I'll make a deal with you.

You don't watch me scratch my ta-tas, and I'll overlook your ball scratching. Or at least turn away from people when you do it. :P

[foreigncorrespondent]

91. Do you mean the...

INFLECTION? And if so, why go about being stealth about it? Why not just come out and ask why some gay men have to act like women when they talk. Isn't THAT what you really mean?

[Touchdown]

104. Most women don't lisp. Pop divas lisp.

Just saying.

[foreigncorrespondent]

109. I wasn't on about the lisp!

Just saying.

[NMMNG]

93. Keep digging

:popcorn:

[Bluebear]

94. Ah, it's not the lisp that bothers you so much, it's the affectation.

That clears that up.

[Sapphocrat]

41. You're serious? n/t

[Bonobo]

43. Yeah, I was serious. Tell me where I erred.

Not trying to offend. If I'm an ignorant ass, please tell me why I am and I will see this as an opportunity to see another POV. Thanks.

[Sapphocrat]

46. I'm staring at a blank screen...

...because I have absolutely no idea how to answer you. I'm that stunned by the question.

I think this is the first time anyone on DU has rendered me utterly speechless.

[Bonobo]

49. I likewise don't know how to respond to your non-response...

[foreigncorrespondent]

92. Yeah right!!

Not trying to offend.

Pull the other one, it needs to be stretched a bit.

[Touchdown]

106. It is a legitimate question, and I have no idea why.

Perhaps it might be a cultural perception of how one should, or must act. When all we see on TV are Jack McFarland, Emmet on QAF, the Fab 5, any of Harvey Fierstein's numerous characters, or Nathan Lane's screams, then a gay young boy/teen recieves not only influence from that but validation that those are good role models (I'd say most, except Jack and Nathan, are good role models. Then there's the school cliches, buddies, bullies, etc. who mince when they make fun of gays, further re-inforcing the stereotype that a young gay male should behave this way. I don't know if any studies have been done on this, but that's my wild educated guess.

Which also brings me to an "I'm full of shit" POV. The lisps, the flamboyances, or the mincing around like Diana Ross or Cher, are obviusly gay to people, then there are so many others who don't have those mannerisms, that most, and probably even you, wouuldn't even think that are gay, but are anyhow. So what is done is that the most obvious, or stereotypical gay people get counted, and the others in your life don't unless you are told by them. This really has nothing to do with closets, or non-closets. It has more to do with a cultural meme called "The Heterosexual Assumption". Meaning, that you are assumed straight, unless proven gay, as if that's somehow a negative. Everybody, including most gay people use it.

I don't speak with a lisp, but I have flamed out with some friends of mine from time to time, but that's just camping (joking around). I go back to my normal boring self pretty easily. Many people have no idea that I'm gay unless I tell them. Some can figure it out on thier own (usually if they catch me checking out butts), but most just assume that since I have no lisp, I must not be gay.

I won't attempt to explain the hyper-sensitive firing squad of the others.

[readmoreoften]

117. Here's an answer. Why don't straight men "lisp"? Why do they yell

"roo roo roo" at football games? Why do they affect such a flat intonation? Butch lesbians often affect the same "flat" intonation. Why can't they act like straight women who tend to have a great range of dramatic emotion in their voices-- that same range of emotion that is often called "affectation" in gay men.

Gender is coded in voice inflection. Gay men who don't "lisp" (it's not really a lisp, per se) may just be "butch" gay men. If you're asking why some gay men aren't butch, the answer is the same as why some lesbians aren't feminine. Gender isn't organically linked to being members of the "opposite" sex.

[readmoreoften]

120. By the way, butch gay men don't know any more than you do. And many of them

are outright intolerant of feminine or "queeny" gay men. The simple answer is that feminine gay men have different gender characteristics than butch gay men. Sometimes feminine gay men will even "flare up" their queeniness when alone in a group (in a similar way to how straight men "butch up" their voices in a straight male group) in order to underscore their membership in the group. You'll notice straight women "feminizing" their voices at feminine group functions as well. For example, many straight women might speak differently at a baby shower than in a corporate board room. Listen to how they elongate their syllables to signify emotion: "did you hear about Tina's baby. (Gasp!) I knoooooooooow."

[donco6]

45. I find that to be more an exagerration of media than anything.

It's a really lazy convention some film people use to point out "who's the gay guy." If he looks and acts just like everyone else, no one will laugh when they pop the inevitable gay joke.

I suppose there are some people out there who have a lisp who also happen to be gay. But in my circles it's certainly not as prevalent as TV would have you believe.

[Bonobo]

50. Yeah, I can definitely see that.

[NMMNG]

65. Outside of stereotypical "gays" on TV and in movies

I've never encountered it. I've never known a real gay man who "lisped".

[foreigncorrespondent]

90. Could you be any more insulting?

unfuckingbelievable!

Lisp indeed.

[NuttyFluffers]

96. you answered it already. "that some gay males PUT ON." it's a put-on, dear.

it's a playing up of a stereotype in order to defang the hurt it entails. it can be playful or sarcastic or whatever, but it is put on to to add emphasis using a cliche' and is basically an inside joke. now, i'll try to be charitable, i'm assuming you are just talking about these false inflections. please don't believe that it is a real stereotype that comes with the toaster and ID to the hollywood gay mafia.

[adamblast]

112. Firstly, yes the question is offensive, if unintentionally....

...you've got a stereotype in your head that you're treating as fact and asking a group about.

Why do blacks have to act, you know, so thug-like and criminal all the time?

It's a naive outsider's question, and fairly insulting.

The answer, of course, is that *any* subculture develops its own mannerisms and jargon, even vocal inflection to a point...

Particularly the more urban the subculture is. Ghetto Irish sound similar to outsiders. Ghetto blacks sound similar to outsiders. Ghetto gays sound similar to outsiders. Get to know us, and we're as individual as you, obviously.

[orpupilofnature57]

9. Communication is an implement of Acceptance ,fuck-um you don't

need their communication.

[gollygee]

12. I spend a good amount of time with my husband's colleagues

because they have so many little events and things all the time.

If he were gay and he brought his partner to these events, would that be considered "flaunting"?

It must be very difficult to avoid talking about families and partners. It's sad that people are even put in a position where they feel like they have to be careful.

[David Zephyr]

13. You bring home the point in a very real way, dsc. Thanks.

How about putting a framed picture of your "family" on the desk of your office. If you are straight, that's a touching thing and it shows "character". If you are gay, you are "flaunting" your homosexuality" and "shoving it down people's throats".

Great post, dsc.

[dsc]

15. Thanks

I honestly was astonished at the questionaire in this day and age. As I said, I could answer honestly and not have loose lips. The framed picture thing is another one that ticks me off at times.

[David Zephyr]

20. The first thing gay children learn is to lie.

What a horrible thing. The first thing that young gay and lesbians come to terms with is that they will probably have to lie in order to survive. This is changing little by little, thank goodness, but it shouldn't be so.

I came out at 13 in the deep south in the 1960's. People ask me how I did it there and then. My answer is that I couldn't bear to lie. It killed me doing so, but I did it. It cost me my home eventually and I wound up, as you know, dsc, living on the streets as a boy. But I survived and, best of all, I'm proud of that still to today.

[dsc]

24. I took a different road

I wish I had the strength you did. The irony is I was honest about everything else nearly to the point of brutality but about that, a consumate liar. Now I just rely upon the straight assumption and that we just don't hang out after work. It does amaze me how many students are willing to be out now. I see a few at school, though I also see ones who did what I did.

[David Zephyr]

31. Well...

Lying to survive, as the Jews did in Germany, is AOK with me. Gay kids all over the world still must lie everyday and pretend to be something they are not just to survive.

I couldn't muster the deception. I didn't tell everyone, but enough to eventually cause me a lot of grief. Upside, I came to California, never went back in the closet, made a lot of money and have a great life.

Let's hope that we can leave this world a better place for those who come after us. That would be a good thing. I think in many ways we are doing so.

I'm truly sorry that you had to confront this crap still yet again, dsc. You are a dear man.

[dsc]

36. One of the downsides to education is that a principal is very powerful

in your life. I haven't a clue what her opinion on gays is or isn't. I was pleasantly surprised by the previous one so this one may go well too. I honestly think she was just doing what she is used to doing but I found the questionaire troubling. Maybe in a year we will have ENDA and the law will be on our side. Wouldn't that be a hoot, seeing Bush sign that piece of legislation.

[jesus_of_suburbia]

53. Just wanted to respond..... great post

I'm the same way... and I grew up 20-30 years after you in the late 80's, early 90's.


I come from a VERY religious, Southern Baptist background. Sunday School, church service, Sunday night, Choir, Wednesday night, Wednesday church supper.

You learn to lie. And it kills you inside.

So glad you survived... and you SHOULD be proud of it. My lying kept me from ever having to live on the street. You must have been braver than me.

[David Zephyr]

80. Thank you, jesus_of_suburb

Well, my "bravery" or honesty eventually did cost me my home. Growing up on the streets of Los Angeles, and later NYC, as a teenager, would not be something I would recommend for most. I did learn a lot, though, about generosity of spirit.

Steinbeck said it best through his immortal character of Ma Joad, "you’re in trouble or hurt or need—go to the poor people. They’re the only ones that’ll help." My life is a testament to that very truth.

When 1/3 of teen suicides are those of gay and lesbian children, I think it is obvious that the "values" of the religious right are sick, perverted, hateful, mean and downright evil.

If they ever were meet up with Jesus in an afterlife, he would say to them what he promised to say to them:

"And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me...And whosoever shall offend one of little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea."

[dsc]

82. that is a brilliant use of that particular text

and thanks for the wonderful compliment above. I am so glad to have met you through DU as well.

[Tatiana]

69. OMG

I just want to hug you.

I like reading comments like yours and dsc's because I think it gives me a better understanding of the pain you must have gone through (and probably still go through) just to live in this society. We take certain things for granted and it's good to be reminded of why seemingly inconsequential things are, in fact, very important.

[David Zephyr]

81. Thank you.

dsc is the real thing. His heart is clearly connected to his head. I've never had the honor to meet him other than here, but I treasure knowing him as I do so many others here.

Thank you for your very kind comments.

[Jamastiene]

116. Living on the streets and being homeless is a real eye opener.

You learn a deep deep lesson about what a real friend is and what lies you are expected to believe in the straight world. Glad you and I both are no longer homeless. :hug:

[durrrty libby]

14. It must suck for one to feel the need to hide who they are out

of fear of being scorned.

It must doubly suck to feel the need to hide among
so called educated people

I hope attitudes continue to improve



:freak: :hangover:

[donco6]

16. It is a huge problem.

I'm asked constantly by salesmen/women who come to call - just making "idle chitchat". I'm over lying or evading the questions, so I just tell them, "No, I'm not married because it's illegal for my partner and I to be married, though we've been together for 10 years." They get the picture.

[Goblinmonger]

17. Let me just say I'm sorry

If you were teaching at my school (I'm a teacher and not a :puke: administrator) I hope you know you would have someone to talk to who isn't an asshat.

[dsc]

21. I appreciate that

[DemBones DemBones]

19. If you were heterosexual and living with someone (but not married),

you'd have to lie, too, or risk repercussions. Just say you're single. Teachers are expected to be moral role models, meaning the school board and the people in the central office doesn't want you doing as some of them do. ;-)

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

22. No you wouldn't.

There's no comparison.

[DemBones DemBones]

40. Ever taught public school in a conservative area?

I have and I know what I'm talking about.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

77. Yes.

And there's no comparison.

[dsc]

27. In some districts

you are correct. I doubt in most though.

[DemBones DemBones]

47. Aren't you in a red state? I think there's more

discrimination against unmarried heterosexual teachers living together than you're aware of, since it's not your situation. I'm sure it occurs even in blue states.

I would advise any teacher who is unmarried but lives with someone not to tell his or her co-workers, much less the principal.

[dsc]

48. It was just this year here that a law banning unmarried cohabitation

was overturned. So yeah I think it is a problem.

[mondo joe]

102. If you were heterosexual you'd have a choice to marry or not. n/t

[readmoreoften]

121. Oh please, I've been both.

In 1991, I tried to be straight for a year or so and lived with my "boyfriend" (who of course turned out to be a gay man) and I taught pre-school. No one gave even half a fig. As a lesbian, there are some people who don't think I'm fit to teach college students. Hell, we were even part of a religious community for awhile and only a few people ever even mentioned it. And most people were embarrased by their comments.

Certainly I am opposed to the horrible strictures that traditional values imposes on straights, but there is absolutely no comparison.

[VeggieTart]

23. Well, if she gives you crap about "flaunting," why don't you just say...

...I'm not "flaunting" anything; you ASKED about my family, and I'm answering the question honestly. Maybe you shouldn't ask people you don't know about their families and risk finding out stuff that disturbs you.

Sheesh.

[Monk06]

25. Get to know you questionaire?????? You're a professional and she's treating you like a first grader.

[DemBones DemBones]

51. Many principals view teachers as tall children

and treat them accordingly. That's one reason why so many teachers leave teaching after five years or less.

[blogslut]

26. Did the new Principal

...fill out her own questionnaire? Perhaps you should give her a copy. ;)

[Straight Shooter]

28. For what it's worth, I've never known a gay who "flaunted."

However, I could go on and on about heterosexuals who flaunt their sexuality every which way from Sunday.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

33. Well, I knew one guy who did flaunt it.

I shared a house with him and another guy. He flaunted it so much that other gays used to say to me "She's such a flamer she makes us look bad!".

Me? I just accepted him. He was a great guy and a good, good friend. I really couldn't give a shit.

As for DSC's deal, perhaps a better formed equivalent of the phrase "Fuck right off!" is worthy of consideration. None of the woman's bidness. I wonder if this is not in the service of a yet-to-be-revealed agenda. In these times, you cannot be sure.

[dsc]

37. No clue

which is part of the problem. I sure wouldn't have answered the questionaire honestly if doing so would have outed me I can say that.

[Catherine Vincent]

29. Leave it blank.

And if you're bold, tell her it's none of her beeswax.:)

[dsc]

32. I was tempted not to turn one in at all

but since I could honestly answer without problem I just did. I know that some people at our school must be in an uncomfortable situation in that regard.

[DemoDemoCratCrat]

38. When I was gainfully employed,

my company expended a tremendous amount of money and time training people about appropriate inquiries, which this certainly was not. The training went to all levels of management as well as interviewing teams, eventually extending to all salaried employees. I am surprised to hear that a principle wouldn't be aware of the danger such a question poses.

May I suggest that since you are comfortable with your own situation maybe you would be able to mention the situation to your Superintendent (or whoever is appropriate in your school organization). That way the principle could receive the appropriate feedback and perhaps training.

[dsc]

39. actually the reason I could answer honestly

is that I am not in a relationship. I certainly am not in a position to go finding out what her bosses think of this.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

30. If Anyone Ever Says That To You, Just Turn Around And Ask Them Instead: "Well Why

do you have to flaunt being a homophobic-bigoted-jackass-ignoramus?"

Then just turn around and walk away from their dumb ass.

[Karenina]

34. I LOVE how the verb "FLAUNT"

has devolved. One rarely hears about flaunting wealth or flaunting new found bottle-blondness, but any GAY person simply being honest about who s/he is, is FLAUNTING. :grr:

[Tyo]

52. Flaunt? Moi?

It's straight folks that are out of control when it comes to sexuality. Watch a football game. Look at the beer commercials. Apparently if you pop a Bud or a Miller or whatever you'll all of a sudden surrounded by the Swedish Women's Bikini Team. And that's only one example. I want to be in a TV commercial where I uncork a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and the Japanese Men's Speedo Team is all over me but it ain't never gonna happen.

[Karenina]

54. Thank you for illustrating my point!

It's starting to get cold here and still I see the teenies with their bare midriffs. They're not "flaunting," they're just being "normal." But the SUPER GUY at the HUGE CD mart here who can FIND my obscure requests and who wears a company T-shirt that says "Chefin" rather than "Chef" would be considered by most across the pond to be "flaunting."

[Tyo]

60. Glad I could contribute

Everyone who thinks about it for more than half a second or so knows that straight society is literally founded on sex. If it weren't for their preoccupation with sex they wouldn't exist and there would be no Desperate Housewives either. For that matter WE wouldn't exist. So straight sex is definitely cool with me as long as I'm not involved in making it happen. But talk about flaunting. Please. Just about everything we know about flaunting we learned from watching them. Why don't they see that?

[Karenina]

63. Don't get me started, Tyokins!!!

;-)

[BlooInBloo]

59. To all those same people: fuck you, bigot.

[BlueIris]

62. If I were gay, I think I'd be offended at how straight people insist on flaunting.

I mean, even as a boring straight person, it offends me.

Okay, I get that this is supposed to be a serious thread in protest of those who insist on trying to keep things heteronormic and obstructing tolerance, etc., but...AUGHUFHSWHIO!@#$!!! "Why must the 'gays' 'flaunt' it?" is a question I haven't heard anyone ask since about 1993. Then again, I live in a blue state.

[Marnieworld]

70. My husband had a job interview recently

The man interviewing him asked him if he was married and if he had kids. Then later volunteered the fact that he was a Mormon. I don't think the two statements were unrelated.

It's fishing for whether or not someone is "right" for the company.

I of course agree with you that just being yourself is hardly "flaunting". But until everyone is considered equal then those types of questions in the workplace could be very dangerous. By that standard anyone with a wedding ring would be flaunting their hetereosexuality.

At least now it is. Social evolution soes occur. I am 35 and I expect gay MARRIAGE to be legalized in my lifetime. Only one set of laws required for one word to describe the union. Separate is never equal. I realize that I'm preaching to the choir. Can I get an Amen? :D

[slackmaster]

78. Appearance of fishing is just as bad as fishing

The term used in the HR world for what you want to achieve as a prospective employer is a "legally defensible interview". You want to be bomb-proof against any possible future discrimination lawsuit.

Once you ask anything about things like family situations, you've failed in that regard even if the interviewee declines to answer. If the interviewee volunteers that kind of information, a good interviewer will not react in any way (and in particular not make any record of the statement).

[LeftCoast]

83. That interviewer just made a serious EEOC violation

You cannot ask about marital status or how many kids you have in an interview. People still do it, but that company is just asking for a law-suit.

[porphyrian]

71. Why do Christians have to flaunt being Christian?

Why do white people have to flaunt being white people?

If you replace "gay" with other adjectives, it may help pointing out to others how ridiculous and ignorant the question is to those asking it.

[annabanana]

74. I always just thought that meant camping it up for fun...

(shows what I know)

[and-justice-for-all]

89. Let them have it with the truth....

I introduce my "lover" as my HUSBAND!

[Fleshdancer]

105. My typical response to those complaining about gay flaunting....

In my experience, when someone is complaining about gay people flaunting their "gayness" they're usually referring to gay pride parades. My typical response is that spring break and Mardi Gras is typical hetero flaunting behavior so stfu. :D

As for your situation, I completely agree with your assessment. You can't ask someone about their family and then pretend to be offended when you get the answer. I also agree with the other posters in this thread that your family life is none of her business.

[StrictlyRockers]

108. How's your nose? MInd not sticking it in my business?

[AZBlue]

113. Great post! And, that question isn't only offensive to gays.

I would find that offensive - by family I'm sure she meant "spouse and children." Well, what if you're unmarried and don't have children? What are you supposed to put? "N/A"??? And let's say you were married... What if you've just left your spouse because they beat you? Your response is then "violent"? What if you've just left your spouse because they were cheating on you and you were figting over child support? Are you supposed to write "in shambles"? The question seems extremely invasive and not at all correct from a co-worker, let alone your superior.

[KamaAina]

114. How can I flaunt being straight?

Should I pretend that every day is Mardi Gras or something?

:sarcasm:

[Rex]

118. I've never quite understood the flaunting part.

I just don't see it. I see gay friends, some of which have very outgoing personalities. I taught a few gay students (teens) and they seemed to flaunt their personality more than anything else.

[dolo amber]

119. I don't think you have to do either (lie or out yourself)

Many straight people are without the "conventional" SO/children situation. Many people both gay and straight (and I am one) prefer to keep their work/home lives separate. There are ways of answering almost any question in a way that is honest yet still giving away only as much as you wish to.

Did she specify the criteria for defining your "family"? You have parents, possibly siblings etc...they're your family. Answer based on that. If you don't really feel it's any of her business, use the "I have a very loving supportive family, but I prefer to keep work and family separate" or something to that effect. Or if that's not the case, you could always say "Currently I am focusing on my career".

I know you aren't looking for advice and this is mostly directed to others in this thread who insist on being reactionary at every turn. I've long ago come to realize that people are always going to ask things I'm not particularly comfortable answering, and rather than focus on their motives for asking I decided to focus on my answers to those questions. There are a million honest yet polite ways to tell someone something's none of their business. ;)

[Warren DeMontague]

122. "don't flaunt" is code for "don't be gay"

You should have the right to answer those questions same as anyone else, at least if you want to.