Thanks for the memories…. Pre and Post-Election Late Night Jokes

[DeSwiss]

Gleanings from late night monologues just prior to and after the mid-term elections. Enjoy..... :)

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 2, 2006

"How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in." -- David Letterman

"President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that -- Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? ... Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore." -- Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?" -- Stephen Colbert

"Senator John Kerry gave his opponents in the struggling Republican Party a much needed distraction when he told a college audience on Monday that if you don't do well in school, you might get stuck in Iraq. Some people are taking that as a slam against our troops. Kerry says it was a botched joke about the president being dumb. It doesn't bode well when you try to make a joke about someone being dumb and you wind up looking even dumber." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people." -- Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?'" -- Jay Leno

"The senator tried to explain it all away by saying he was actually making a joke about the president, but he just botched the joke by leaving out the word 'us'... Where would you put the word 'us'? 'If you don't make an effort to be smart, you get US stuck in Iraq'? Does anyone understand that?" -- Stephen Colbert

"To his credit, John Kerry was very, very upset about the joke and he apologized. ... As a matter of fact, all day long, he's been walking around with a long face." -- David Letterman

"Kerry personally apologized to any service members who were offended by what he said. Kerry said he was drunk at the time and he's going to enter rehab." -- Jay Leno

"Oil prices have now dropped below $58 a barrel, which if my math is correct, means the election is less than a week away. Better fill up by Tuesday." -- Jay Leno

"We turned the clocks back over the weekend, which is great news for the Republicans. They got to stay in power for an extra hour." -- Jay Leno

"Congressman Duncan Hunter announced he's thinking about running for president in 2008 and he's put together an exploratory committee. The first thing the exploratory committee is going to do is find out, 'Who the hell is Duncan Hunter?'" -- Conan O'Brien


Late-Night Political Jokes
November 3, 2006

"People were wondering what the Republicans were going to use as their secret weapon to help turn the election around. Who would have guessed it would be John Kerry?." -- Jay Leno

"Actually, Kerry's still pretty mad. Did you hear what he said about the press secretary, Tony Snow? He said he was a stuffed shirt, White House mouthpiece standing behind a podium. John Kerry calling you a stuffed shirt? Isn't that like Mark Foley calling you a pervert?." -- Jay Leno

"In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad . Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about -- the 1870s." -- Stephen Colbert

"The Bush administration is now spending tens of millions of dollars on an ad campaign to convince unmarried adult Americans to stop having sex. So, we're trying to stay the course in Iraq and stop the intercourse here at home." -- Jay Leno

"GOP Congressman Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania was recently sued by his Peruvian mistress for allegedly beating and strangling her. Now Sherwood has admitted to having a mistress but denies beating and strangling her. Still, there's probably not a Republican that would be caught dead in the same room as that guy . Oh. Apparently, the president believes his popularity still slightly lower than an alleged Peruvian mistress strangler." -- Jon Stewart

"According to Google trends people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia, which is the ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil -- what do we do now?" -- Jay Leno

"Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed." -- Jay Leno

"Charges of racism are all over the electoral map this year. In Tennessee, Republicans ran a TV ad against African-American Democrat Harold Ford that suggests he is a threat to Tennessee's white women. I don't see what the big deal is. If Ford is elected, he won't be a threat to Tennessee's white women. He'll be a threat to Washington's white women." -- Stephen Colbert

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe." -- David Letterman

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 4, 2006

"This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"It's astounding to me that this is the scandal. At the same time this week, George Bush said that Cheney and Rumsfeld are doing a fantastic job and that he is 'pleased with the progress we're making in Iraq.' I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we have another president with Alzheimer's disease." -- Bill Maher

"The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy's always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, 'Hey, it's not like I married the guy.'." -- Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops. Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown." -- Bill Maher

"Ted Haggard, the leader of the largest evangelical organization in America, resigned because a gay male prostitute said that he and the reverend had been having lots of meth amphetamine-fueled sex. Now the reverend did the Christian thing earlier this week and denied it. Now he says, 'Okay, I did hire a gay male prostitute, but only for a massage.' To which Mark Foley said, 'I'm even calling this one b--- s---.'." -- Bill Maher

"Drugs? Nude massages? Is it getting to where you can't tell the Protestant clergy from a Catholic priest?." -- Bill Maher

"John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate." -- Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard, who has close ties to the Bush administration, has resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after a gay male hooker said he had a three-year paid relationship with him. In fact, this is such a huge crisis for Republicans they are now offering John Kerry $1 million to tell another joke." -- Jay Leno

"They say (Haggard) used church funds to pay for the male prostitute. That's like robbing Paul to pay for Peter." -- Jay Leno

"Big news out of Iraq. The verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial is expected to be given this Sunday. If the verdict is guilty, Saddam could be hanged. If he's found innocent, Saddam's going to move to Florida and play golf with O.J." -- Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC is reporting that the average poll worker for this Tuesday's election will be 72, and that many seniors are not comfortable with computerized voting, which explains why the projected winner is expected to be Franklin Delano Roosevelt." -- Conan O'Brien

"In California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is so confident of being re-elected that he's groping women again." -- David Letterman

"On Wednesday, Kerry said he wouldn't apologize. On Thursday, he apologized. Today, he said, 'It doesn't matter. It just feels great to be flip-flopping again.'." -- Bill Maher

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 6, 2006

"Midterm elections tomorrow. According to a new study, voters are more likely to vote for a candidate with good looks and charisma. If you want proof, just ask that stud Dennis Hastert." -- Conan O'Brien

"Today in Florida, on the last day of campaigning, a Republican politician refused to appear in public with President Bush because the president is so unpopular. And it's worse than it sounds, because the politician was former Congressman Mark Foley." -- Conan O'Brien

"They say they don't need to rely on any last minute surprises, since their Republican base is still very strong, very active, and they still have all the voting machines rigged." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow is Election Day. You folks getting ready to vote? The only thing that can stop Democrats now is a last-minute joke from John Kerry." -- David Letterman

"Democrats are favored to win most races. As a matter of fact, the only Republican in Washington whose seat is safe is Lincoln." -- David Letterman

"The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 -- lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after tomorrow, they'll be able to find jobs." -- Jay Leno

"During the election, do you know what Vice President Dick Cheney will be doing? He's going spend the day hunting at his lodge in South Dakota. That's the one place you want to be if the Republicans lose -- Cheney with a gun." -- Jay Leno

Things aren't looking good for the Republicans tomorrow. Even Saddam Hussein said today, 'I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.'" -- Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death. So see, L.A., it can be done." -- Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. ... You know how they are going to do it? He's going to be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney." -- David Letterman

"Yesterday in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire." -- Conan O'Brien

"A new survey of Americans says that Saddam Hussein's conviction and execution will make no difference to them. After he heard this, Saddam said, 'Really? Because it will make a huge difference to me.'" -- Conan O'Brien

"After a nine-month trial, an Iraqi high tribunal sentenced former dictator Saddam Hussein to death by hanging. Which, in Iraq, is still considered natural causes. ... The verdict prompted ... jubilation in Baghdad, where overjoyed Shiites took to the streets. Many of Saddam's fellow Sunnis demonstrated in Takreet. Here's what I think is the problem we're having in Iraq: We can't tell who's happy and who's mad." -- Jon Stewart

"He couldn't have been more pleased. The death by hanging sentence was a plea bargain. It was knocked down from the standard sentence for crimes against humanity, which is beheading, re-heading, a semi-lethal injection coupled with a demi electrocution, a 15-minute time-out to think about what you've done and then they give you Lou Gehrig's disease" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Saddam Hussein's reaction to his death sentence

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" -- Jon Stewart

"Haggard was exposed by a male escort named Mike Jones, who said he was troubled by the hypocrisy of Haggard's public support for a Colorado initiative to ban same-sex marriage. And you know you're in trouble when you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute." -- Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, Haggard released a statement saying he's a deceiver and a liar. See to me, I think it's way too soon to announce you're going into politics." -- Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard ... has compared his gay sex scandal to John Kerry's botching of a joke last week. You think they're the same? To be fair, they both involved a slip of the tongue." -- Jay Leno

"The big news this weekend was a verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial. On Sunday, Saddam was sentenced to death by hanging. ... Saddam had a lot to say about the decision. Normally he's all for executions in Iraq, but this one not so much. I think someone's turning into an old softie." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Dick Cheney says he will spend election day tomorrow hunting. Hunting the most dangerous prey of all -- old men. This will be the vice president's first hunting trip since he shot his friend in the face since last February and its about time. The old man population is getting out of hand." -- Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 7, 2006

Dan Rather, providing election an analysis on The Daily Show:

"She ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie." -- on Hillary Clinton's Senate victory

"I'd say as ugly as a hog lagoon after a bachelor party." -- on the Virginia Senate race

"If you ain't got the yolk, you can't emulsify the Hollandaise." -- on why Rep. Don Sherwood, the Peruvian mistress wife-strangler, didn't win

"I realized pretty early on that I was just a four-dollar gopher in a two-dollar pelt." -- on appearing on The Daily Show http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml%3Fml%5Fvideo=77940"> Watch video clip

"The people have spoken. And apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed -- I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America's over. At this point we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. We'll see how they deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists, there you go, enjoy." -- Stephen Colbert http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media%5Fplayer/play.jhtml%3FitemId=77962"> Watch video clip

"Mmm ... tastes like surrender. ... You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq." -- Stephen Colbert

"And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority. I quit." -- Stephen Colbert

"The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out." -- Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard has stepped down from his position. He was thought to be a George Bush Republican. Instead it turned out he was a George Michael Republican." -- Jay Leno

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 8, 2006

"What a day for the Democrats. They've won the House of Representatives, they are poised to take the Senate as well, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned, and this just in, Dick Cheney came out as gay." -- Jon Stewart

"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." -- Jay Leno

"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." -- Jay Leno

"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" -- Conan O'Brien

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." -- Jay Leno

"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." -- Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." -- Jay Leno

"There were many reports of problems with the voting machines yesterday, especially with touch-screen voting machines. In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately." -- Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." -- David Letterman

"If the results hold up, George Allen will no longer be able to put the word senator in front of his name. He'll have to go back to his old title, 'Imperial wizard.' He was just two racial slurs away from winning." -- Jay Leno

"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." -- Conan O'Brien

Late-Night Political Jokes
November 9, 2006

"Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands (on screen: an '83 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein). No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment -- irrelevance." -- Jon Stewart

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family." -- Jay Leno

"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." -- Conan O'Brien

"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit it though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." -- Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." -- Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." -- Jay Leno

"In Hawaii, a transgendered woman, who was born a man, won a statewide election. After hearing about it, Joe Lieberman said, 'Wow and I thought it was tough switching parties.'." -- Conan O'Brien

[Hav]

1. .

Thanks.
There were some great ones in this collection ;).

[blm]

2. Millions of Dems defend Bill for dropping his pants, Hillary scolds Kerry for dropping a pronoun?

There - that's MY joke. And the difference is that MINE is the truth.

BTW - Leno botched that exact same joke when he tried to tell it over the last few years - did he mention that?

[silverojo]

3. These jokes are sweeeeeeet!

K&R!