3 Years Ago I Gave Up Thanksgiving Family Crap. You Can Stop the Maddness

[Ioo]

So 3 years ago I told my family that I and my partner were no longer going to participate in TG family crap. They bitched and cried, blah blah family. We would love to come see them, and we do, but we were reclaiming the holiday as a thanksgiving, and not a evil family nightmare where I see people I would not speak to if they were not family.

So this is 3 years, and I love it! Had some friends over, we ate a great meal, turkey and all that. We watched a few movies and they went home.

- Total time in the car, ZERO
- Total time I had to be mad, NONE
- Total assholes I had to deal with, ZERO

Had a great time, did not have to put up with any asses in the family, Man love this holiday.

This year my mother did the same, she just got off the phone, told me she should have done this years ago!

You can do it, reclaim this day as your own! Just say NO!!!!

[superconnected]

1. you're smarter than I

I had to wait till my grandma died for thanksgivings to be good because her lousy kids- my aunts and uncles, quit showing up. It's been wonderful since.

[Redstone]

2. But in our family, we LIKE each other. There's no "crap" in our family Thanksgiving.

Sorry you're so bitter. I really am.

Redstone

[Lex]

5. Yes, us too. We love our family time together

and wouldn't trade it for all the world.

I loved playing with my little niece (she's 3) on the floor with some toys, helping with lunch and the clean-up, and just generally enjoying the family time and visiting.

I have a bit of a drive, but not so much. It's worth it.

[Redstone]

9. We had people travel as far as from Alabama (we're in Connecticut), because

we're pretty much the only people in the family who have a house large enough for 35 people (and are willing to cook for so many; Mrs R LOVES to cook for a crowd).

And I had a long and revealing conversation with one of my uncles, who I've always liked but never really KNOWN until today.

Family is everything.

Redstone

[tinfoilinfor2005]

11. Same here.

Wonderful day today. Picked up the grandson and we went to the one o'clock matinee of "Happy Feet" so my daughter and son-in-law could relax and cook the dinner in peace. Mr. Tinfoilin and I wrote her a check for the Thanksgiving groceries since she does all the cooking and decorating. Drove in separate cars so Mr. Tinfoilin could leave early and take his nap at home. Had a beautiful dinner and toasted family and friends who couldn't be with us this year. I helped daughter with the dishes and clean up. We drank wine during the clean up and laughed at each other's silly jokes. Also reminisced a little about past Thanksgivings. Grandson had a little crying jag (too much holiday fun and maybe sugar) and dad tucked him in the "big bed" with some cartoon movies. Had another wine in front of the fake fireplace. (We're in the Keys...not cold enough for a real fire. But it sure felt cozy.) I guess we're pretty low maintenance.

Wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. :)

[Redstone]

13. "A nap at home?" What about the Thanksgiving tradition of having family members

draped all over any available couch or chair, and rousing themselves just in time to eat sandwiches made from leftovers?

Just joking. Good to hear someone else had a good day. Especially the laughs. We have a LOT of those at Thanksgiving.

Many, many of the jokes are at my expense, and I enjoy those even more than the others.

Redstone

[tinfoilinfor2005]

15. Mr. T is a smoker, and sneaks home more to smoke than to sleep.

Besides, that leaves more dessert for us! :)

[Redstone]

16. He can't just go out on the back porch for a cig? I've finally trained my family to not

nag me about that. Especially given that it's MY house.

Redstone

[B Calm]

34. I love having the family here for the Holidays. We never fight!

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

3. Thabksgiving quickly became a non-holiday to me.

It is because that was the holiday we would go to my aunt and uncle's house, the booze would come out, people would get drunk quickly, my aunt's viper tongue would start and there would be a fight with my uncle. Invariably. She would point that tongue at everyone, even the kids. When I became old enough to assert myself, I would just stay home.

Now, I have no family and no one to spend the holiday with. I still feel no real loss. Really. It's a holiday that makes me nervous now. That's no fun.

Ain't dysfunction grand?

[havocmom]

4. You can have two families in life: the one you are born to and the one you create

You get to pick how to divvy up time and energy. Sounds like you chose wisely :thumbsup:

Toxic people are best avoided, kin or not. Life is too short to dance with ugly souls.

[NVMojo]

19. great truth! Thanks for posting!

[InvisibleTouch]

6. I totally agree with you!

I've never been of the mind that just because people are "family," one has to put up with them if they do nothing but aggravate and enrage you. No one is obligated to feel guilty for reclaiming their own lives, and choosing to spend time with people who empower us rather than tear us down. Good on you!

[Kazak]

7. 'Really love everyone in my family...

and look forward to the excuse to get together with everyone.

:shrug:

[nashville_brook]

8. i love this -- develop celebration rituals for yourself

not every thanksgiving has to be spent with the same unit. you can celebrate holidays on alternative days. young couples especially deserve the chance to make their own festivities.

sometimes there's a reason why we move away from the "family." we feel better when they're not around.

[LibDemAlways]

25. "young couples especially deserve the chance

to make their own festivities." How true. Back in our newlywed days my husband and I rarely argued..except over how we were going to spend the holidays. Both families expected us, and one year we ended up eating two Thanksgiving dinners just trying to keep the peace and keep everybody happy. When my daughter is finally on her own I'm going to try and remember those days and not make her feel guilty for not spending every holiday with me.

[Sherman A1]

26. I remember that as well

The Holiday Family Tour was something that just drove me nuts. I finally put a stop to it. My side took the short end of the stick, but I couldn't do a run around town with a little one and still have any sanity left.

[mwb970]

27. I got tired of the Long Drive myself.

Back when I was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas meant driving to my parents' house, having a big dinner, driving to my wife's parents' house two states over, often in a blizzard, the next day and having another big dinner, then driving back home the next day after another quick stop at my parents'. It was exhausting.

I finally realized that I was in my late 40s and had never spent a single Thanksgiving or Christmas in my own house, where I actually live. Now I'm on my own and it is SUCH A RELIEF not to have to drive and drive and drive just to spend hours doing nothing at a stranger's house. I don't even like football! It's much better this way.

[seabeyond]

10. we love each other tooo much. had a blast at our table with my family

and the group of family that was not able to make it, are sad...... we have claimed our thanksgiving exactly as we want our thanksgiving. thank you. and am glad you had a wonderful time too.

[Warpy]

12. I couldn't do the holiday thing

because the pressure combined with forced gaiety were too much for my folks as well as for me. It was much better to visit them outside the holiday season. I have some great memories from those trips, and I think we wouldn't have been on speaking terms if I'd done the holiday thing.

What people need to realize is that not all of us live in Hallmark moment land. Those of us who don't need to look at reality and give up the dream. Once we let go of that idea of the perfect holiday with the perfect family all gathered around in peace and harmony, we can begin to cope with the holidays sanely, safely and peacefully.

[Redstone]

14. But we don't expect any Hallmark moments. We just cook a ton of food, open up

the house, and everybody does what they do. There's a dining-room table with people playing games, others racked out on the sofas, and others off reading a newspaper or a book, the kids watching a movie, various one-on-one conversations, and laughter breaks out somewhere about every two minutes.

And everyone has a good time.

Redstone

[orleans]

23. the way you describe thanksgiving sounds like the holiday

from when i was little. damn! those were the days.

(ah childhood & youth!)

[Warpy]

38. That doesn't happen

in alcoholic family systems.

[KitSileya]

39. Yes, it's awful to think of all the kids who fear rather than love Christmas

because their parents dig out the bottle on holidays, get drunk, quarrel loudly, or even get abusive. It's wonderful to hear about those happy family Thanksgivings people are relating, but if celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with family doesn't give you more than it takes from you, and I'm talking positive energy here, not presents, maybe it's time to reconsider how you celebrate.

[enigmatic]

17. Family is whoever is in your sphere of love

whether it be blood or not; it doesn't matter. Some people need to cut family ties for their own sanity; I've seen it up close, and I agree w/ you.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

44. Family is whoever is in your sphere of love

Beautiful. I'm repeating your subject line so I can put this on my journal.

We don't have Thanksgiving in Brazil, but this "every relative must come from wherever they live and meet" BS happens at Christmas here.

[saracat]

18. Way to go! We did this too but it was just the two of us.

This is the first year ever we made the decision to free ourselves from the toxic relatives! And I spent too long believing that "family is everything" while my family has consistently worked to savage me.My parents are gone and DH and I have our fur kids.We are both basically only children (DH has some relatives ,siblings he doesn't know)and my mothers family what is left of it is vicious. We reclaimed the holiday. Not anymore abuse for us!

[lwin]

20. Great idea!

I think we'll plan a trip to Vegas or something next year. Just remove ourselves from the situation.

[earth mom]

21. We stopped spending holidays with the in laws years ago.

Neither my husband nor I could take the oneupmanship of hubby's very competitive siblings. The entire experience was stressful and not worth the effort. Instead, we used to have more fun spending holidays with my dad-who died a few years ago-and some of his friends. These days, it's just our little family and we love how peaceful and low key it is. The only downside is hubby has to work tomorrow. Otherwise, it would be perfect. :)

[OneBlueSky]

22. this year, my brother and I passed on not one but two family gatherings . . .

I baked a turkey breast and heated up some Boston Market sides, and we had a lovely little dinner which we shared with the dogs . . . best Thanksgiving I've had in years . . . maybe ever . . .

[Nicole]

24. I love the family time during the holidays

I live alone & look forward to eating with others every chance I get. It's nice to have conversation with dinner, even if it gets heated at moments. We get along pretty well in spite of our differences. The closest we came to any crap was when my cousin called his brother an apple. :yoiks:

[proud2BlibKansan]

28. My mom died a month ago

I would give anything to have a family Thanksgiving with her once again. I am so sorry your family is like this. I feel lucky to have nice memories of turkey day.

[KharmaTrain]

30. My Deepest Sympathies...I Was In A Similar Situation in '02

I had lost both my parents that year...my mother passed just days before Thanksgiving...which was always a big holiday in my family. It's one of the few times a year her family would gather...a tradition that had been going on since the early 30's. The torch was passed that year as my cousins and I decided to maintain the gatherings and all got together last night.

I'm sorry to read how bitter the OP is and how some here have had difficult situations, but in my small family this now has become a time to connect with our roots, remember those who aren't with us any longer and look at the future.

Here's wishing you peace and that your loss is one that turns into inspiration and great memories. I know last night the spirits of my mother and her two sisters were among us.

Peace...

[proud2BlibKansan]

29. My mom died a month ago

I would give anything to have a family Thanksgiving with her once again. I am so sorry your family is like this. I feel lucky to have nice memories of turkey day.

[Ioo]

33. I am sorry for your loss...

I do not want to live a day without my mom, and the thought of not having her will crush me. Blessed be.

[Warpy]

41. My parents are both gone

and my pop died last January. I am so grateful the holidays were such nightmares that I never did them. I don't know how I'd get through them if I'd had a cornflakes kinda family.

I wouldn't have traded them for anything or anyone. Holidays were just out of the question.

[fidgeting wildly]

31. Good for you.

I would give almost anything to have the kind of family that I could spend a pleasant holiday with, but that's never going to happen.

My husband and I opted out for the first time this year, partially because we couldn't afford to travel. We cooked a great meal for just the two of us, washed the dishes together, and then went to a movie with friends. It was perfect. First time in years that I've actually felt thankful (rather than stressed) on Thanksgiving Day.

[Ioo]

32. Thanks for the good and not so good words. My Family is a Nightmare, so...

I am glad some of you have great families, I wish I could say the same. Here is a story….

My grandmother died this year, I was going to Denver from DC for work, and for 3 weeks I did not come home, I went to Dallas, to be with my grandmother in the hospital. All her children live within 50 miles, and I the grandkid that flew in and rented a car and a hotel room had spent more time with her own kids. The only ones in the family that have some level of responsibility are the cousins that are of my generation.

One of my aunts charged my grandfather $9 an hour to take care of him. He was married to my grandmother for 67 years, and he was kind of helpless without her.

On my last visit I spoke to the doctor and he told me that she would not make it to next week.. she does on a Wednesday. I went home that weekend. I did not go to the funeral. My grandmother had not even been moved from the bed to the mourg before my family had descended on the house, with my grandfather still in it, to ransack it for valuables. My grandfather was smart, had the locks changed. Had to call the cops on family.

I was called and yelled at by 2 aunts and 3 “others” in the family because I did not show up to the funeral, forget the 3 weekends I was there, forget that my grandmothers last words to me were “Without you Mark, I would have almost no one, I love you so much”. This is the same grandmother that told me that I needed more Jesus 10 years prior because I was gay.

This is my thanksgiving, a seething cesspool of humanity. The closer you are to its epicenter, the more likely you will be feed on by the parasites that smell money.

On the other side it is small.

My mother (51) and I are close, but we chat all the time, and see each other as much as we can. I am her only living child. Her parents are no longer on this earth, and while it has some drama, time with this side of the family was much better, but very rare. My folks split when I was 8 months old, so I have always known 2 families.

[earth mom]

35. Wow that is awful!

Why do people behave so greedily when someone dies?! Two of my hubbys siblings did something similar when my FIL died. Mind you, these people need absolutely nothing and are quite well off to be sure due to a very cushy early pension for one and part ownership in a successful multi-million dollar business for the other. What made what they did so vile is the fact that my hubby's parents were never well off in the first place and spent their entire lives scrimping & saving in the great depression era way in which they were raised. I'm talking saving every bit of tinfoil, every rubber band, every bread bag to reuse instead of sandwich bags kind of scrimping. Not only that, but my FIL never made much money at his line of work and ended up being laid off in his mid 50s and could not find work at his age, which forced MIL & FIL to sell their modest home and buy a mobile home in the middle of nowhere so they could afford to live even more frugally on next to nothing. Shortly after FIL death, those two siblings just HAD to have daddy's fishing equipment and other small mementos and raided the mobile home while MIL was away! When the oldest sibling heard about it and raised holy hell and shamed the hell out of them they returned everything. Disgusting to say the least! :(

[misanthrope]

42. re: your husband's greedy siblings...

...How do you think they got so rich to begin with? That type of behavior should be expected from the "well-off" as it is normally a key component to their accumulation of wealth.

Wealth and power are forms of cancer that only seek to devour more of your soul as they grow.

[TX-RAT]

36. Just say NO!!!!

Have no intentions of not attending, we have a great time and good food. We love being around our family.

[Gold Metal Flake]

37. I'm happy for you that you had a great, shit-free Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry that you had to take shit on your thread about it.

[LWolf]

40. Ok.

Yesterday, one person drove. My mom drove to my place. We had 4 of our 5 total family members in attendance; the 5th was 900 miles away, and we talked to him on the phone.

We brought in and heated a pre-cooked, store-bought dinner. I can do better, but I hate all that work. I don't like cooking, and I resent the time in the kitchen. Even all the reheating seemed like too much work, to be frank. Why do they insist on both stuffing AND mashed potatoes? Couldn't one be enough? Still, it was short, easy, and relaxed. We played some games, watched some football, remembered what we are thankful for, ate, and mom headed home as dark started to fall.

It was all fine. I just realized, though, that if the other 3 people did not feel the need to eat together on Thanksgiving, I'd be just as happy not to do it at all. I'm still doing it for them, not me. :shrug:

That's fine. As long as it's this easy and stress free.

[SoCalDem]

43. Luckily for us, we have always lived very far from the "core" family

and had to create our OWN traditions.
I advise all newlyweds to do this. The first year, go back to Mom & Dad's, but after that "just say NO!".
Especially after you have kids, it's important for them to have their own family "traditions", and not just participate in the ancient family Greek tragedy every year.

Once the kids got older, we asked THEM what they wanted to do for the "holidays..and what food THEY wanted". One Christmas, we had pizza..and one Thanksgiving we had Mexican food.

Only one grown son lives in the same town, and WE insist that he not even come to our house on Thanksgiving. His fiancee is from a LARGE hispanic family with tons of cousins, aunts, uncles , etc, and poor Maria gets a guilt trip from her parents, so it's important for my son to be with her..There are just two of us, and it's no biggie to us that he be here with us.

Christmas is another event that we scaled back a long time ago. When the boys were at home, we let them open presents and then split. That's what kids want to do anyway, so why torture them by insisting that they stay home..

What's happened is this.. Our kids LIKE to come and visit us, because it's THEIR idea, and we never "guilt them" into visisting...

Gotta cut those apron strings, parents.. Hold 'em too close and you'll smother them.:)