Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution

[BurtWorm]

Lawmakers decried spontaneous genetic mutations.
November 28, 2006 | Issue 42•48

TOPEKA, KS—In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.

"From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God's intended design," said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. "This is about protecting the integrity of all creation."

The new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from any willful adaptation to changing environmental conditions. In addition, it strictly limits any activity that may result in enhanced health or survival beyond the current average lifespan of their particular species.

Violators of the new law may face punishments that include jail time, stiff fines, and rehabilitative education and training to rid organisms suspected of evolutionary tendencies. Repeat offenders could face chemical sterilization.

To enforce the law, Kansas state police will be trained to investigate and apprehend organisms who exhibit suspected signs of evolutionary behavior, such as natural selection or speciation. Plans are underway to track and monitor DNA strands in every Kansan life form for even the slightest change in allele frequencies.

"Barn swallows that develop lighter, more streamlined builds to enable faster migration, for example, could live out the rest of their brief lives in prison," said Indiana University chemist and pro-intelligent-design author Robert Hellenbaum, who helped compose the language of the law. "And butterflies who mimic the wing patterns and colors of other butterflies for an adaptive advantage, well, their days of flaunting God's will are over."


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/55807

[Dr.Phool]

1. Not only that.....

Utah banned same sex polygamy!

http://www.ironictimes.com/

[tularetom]

2. I miss the good ol days

When you didn't have to attribute these stories to the Onion. Now it's hard to tell which are Onion and which are real. Life imitates art I guess.

[Target_For_Exterm]

3. They don't object to devolving, however.

[Sinistrous]

4. The scary thing is

that this parody of a parody is somehow plausible.

[atommom]

5. If this had appeared before the '06 election, I could have believed it!

Now, however, we've dumped a lot of the anti-evolution wackos. I'm flaunting my evolutionary tendencies more than ever!

[Jackpine Radical]

6. When evolution is outlawed,

only outlaws will evolve.

[BurtWorm]

7. Ain't that the truth.

;)

[Fire Walk With Me]

8. The Onion rocks. Thanks for posting that.

[ninkasi]

9. Wouldn't it be funny

if some brainless politicians actually tried to do this? I'll bet a lot of them don't know what the Onion is, and in reading the headline, they might think it's a great idea. In addition to lacking compassion, most of the avid conservatives lack intelligence as well.

[karlrschneider]

10. Next on the agenda: Pi = 3.000

:eyes: