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(well, okay, maybe only for my own amusement because I am procrastinating hardcore right now), I shall attempt to re-tool this piece of rubbish a bit. Here goes:
WOULDN'T IT BE TOTALLY AWESOME TO TURN THE TV *OFF* AND THINK FOR YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE? (Oops, sorry - wrong "snark" mode was enabled. Shifting gears from "STFU" to "bitter irony"...stand by...)
Okay. Let's try this again.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow White Male Republican Landowner Elite Wealthy Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq the Hollywood liberal elite regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war matter, our mission in Iraq of smearing, discrediting, and destroying those leftist pussies is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces non-Republicans from Iraq their homes and their forcible relocation to Gitmo. This action will be complete within 30 days hours. It is now to begin the reckoning, suckers!
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict Republican toadies, suckups, and other yes-men and sycophants who have been extremely helpful to Our Glorious Party. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland Only those completely loyal to Our Glorious Party (and therefore, Amurka) are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations intelligent Americans are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. And if anyone tries to make paper airplanes out of them, you'll be headed to Gitmo, too. (Not because I care about the trees used to make this paper, but because I hate people who can legitimately fly airplanes, even paper ones, better than me.) Spitballs are okay, as long as they're aimed at the lower-class workers you treat like crap every day.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid health care and educational funding to the children of those nations individuals on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American Republifascist people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and the lives of true Americans who refuse to stand by and watch those their government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France Fuck you.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home, such as the fact that corporate pigs such as myself and my cronies aren't quite rich enough to buy twelve new Ferraris every day. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth not really try all that hard to find you or capture you or anything, 'specially if your family's friends with my family. How ya doin', Osama?
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize oil? Try France, or maybe China Iraq, if there's anything left of it by the time we finish over there, or maybe Iran. Heh heh heh.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia the heads of anybody who disagrees with me. Thanks for all your help Sucks to be you, comrades. We are retiring from NATO any semblance of decency as well. Bon chance, mes amis Go fuck yourselves. (That was a message from Uncle Dick. Heh heh heh.)
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles that look like they might belong to those stinkin' librul elites located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this your property any more than I care about your children, your freedom, or your life. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets minds and ideas of your own, and that's just not acceptable. Pay those tickets Stop thinking for yourselves by tomorrow or watch you're precious Benzes, Bimmers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world we'll torture you before we kill you. I love New York Gitmo.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change We hate you for absolutely no good reason. Relocate your country immediately, or we'll send your entire fucking population to Gitmo, too.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire News is great about not making our corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment look so bad, but that's beside the point. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security, 'cause we don't need no more goldurn Mexicans in our country! So start doing something with your oil. Like give it to us. 'Cause we're addicted to oil and we need more, more, MORE!
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA Treaty - starting now because NAFTA sounds vaguely like NAMBLA and although some prominent members of Our Glorious Party are involved with that, we don't really like for people to know that.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be putting in additional lanes to take care of that. We'll also be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come all those pesky "endangered species" or whatever you wanna call 'em. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there fuck you. They I don't care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own wealthiest citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin" "I don't know what that means, but fuck you, you commie pinkos who dare question me."
Nearly a century of trying to help certain folks live a decent ridiculously decadent life at the expense of just about everyone else around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. (Go figure.) It is time to eliminate hunger those pesky hungry people in America who are only hungry because they're too lazy to work. It is time to eliminate homelessness those dirty hobos in America who are also too lazy to work. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America, because those dang soccer players are too lazy to do any real work. To the nations people on List 1, A final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget, until it becomes convenient for us, and then we'll throw you under the bus faster than a homework assignment on a windy day.
To the nations slimeballs on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic Fuck you.
God bless the wealthy white people in America who agree with everything I say. Thank you, wealthy white people, and good night.
If you can read all the way through this, thank a teacher you have a stronger stomach than I do. (Either that, or brain damage...) If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier your English teacher.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens how many of those ten will still be friends with a "moran" like you! Let's get this to every USA computer, like some kind of deadly virus that only afflicts stupid, intolerant, bloodthirsty false patriots!)
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