What do you do with a teenager you discover has been visiting porn sites?

[lonestarnot]

[MrSlayer]

1. Tell them to make sure they don't gum up the keyboard.

Nothing wrong with it in my opinion.

[lonestarnot]

2. OMG!

:rofl: I knew someone would post that!

[oldtimecanuk]

5. hahaha... I love that post... lol... I'm jealous...

I did'nt think of that.... Good one.... No, Great one...

ww

[Vexatious Ape]

16. I think you're right--unless of course the teen is doing it all

day and night, just going overboard with it. On a side note--my teen and I saw Slayer this summer. Great show.

[Radio_Lady]

130. Let's open the discussion up a bit... what do you do when you find your husband going to porn sites?

I used to get all furious.

Now I just tell him... not to gum up the keyboard!

[applegrove]

3. How old is this teen? Tell them until they are 18 they have no right.

That to a young brain pornography can be life altering and he may change his tastes due to content and become a weirdo. He has nothing to learn from pornography and everything to loose if he is a young guy. Then get a computer with a lock for content on it - (I think Vista has parental locks) cause he accessed adult content when it was illegal for him to do so.

[lonestarnot]

6. Thank you very much for this contribution. I like this advise!

Vista has parental locks? Cool. I wanted to wait until the bugs were worked out. For now he's off the computer PERIOD!

[Runcible Spoon]

45. whaaa???

"That to a young brain pornography can be life altering and he may change his tastes due to content and become a weirdo". What do you mean by "wierdo"? It seems that a teen who has the desire to look at porn will seek out what he already likes. There is such a variety that I doubt the only choices are Bukkake or Scheisse films, and while I agree that there is some danger to young men becoming desensitized to the (ab)use of people in porn I doubt that a little whacking off to porn is going to mold their minds. If it was my kid, I would log activity and see what he was looking at. If I didn't find anything I consider illegal or unethical, I'd let him be.

[lonestarnot]

53. How do you log stuff?

[Runcible Spoon]

58. There are programs. Or just check the history folder.

unless he is clever enough to clear it out. But seriously if it's not illegal or unethical I don't see teh problem. If you start invading his privacy he will stop trusting YOU, when you're worried about being able to trust HIM.

[girl gone mad]

80. Hmm..

It's a tough one for me, because I do in fact know many guys who I think would be much better off in life if they had never gotten into internet porn at a young age.

Many people say it's a natural thing, but that kind of access to unlimited pornographic content really isn't natural. Neanderthals were looking at dirty cave drawings, at best. The desire to see naked men and women is natural, but photography is unnatural, computers are unnatural and I just don't think we humans have evolved to cope with it entirely, yet.

To me internet porn is like the difference between smoking a joint once in a while and having access to mountains of coke. There's a real potential for problems. Like I said, I know guys that have thrown away jobs, friendships and marriages because they can't control their desire for porn. It does alter personalities. I've been around men that do nothing but gawk and rate the sexual attractiveness of every woman in sight when they are out in public. I know geeky guys who refuse to date because the only women interested in them don't look like porn stars.

I think a parent should talk to their child about pornography, and at least let them know what their personal values are and that porn usually isn't a realistic presentation of sex. I think I would be a bad mother if I didn't at least tell my son that most porn misrepresents female sexuality and that it can easily become a huge waste of time. You can be sure I will let him know that I disapprove of the way the industry treats women and that I've known several women in the business and all had an abnormal amount of personal problems.

[hunter]

184. Neanderthal men were looking at naked Neanderthal women.

And probably getting irritated by couples who got too noisy and woke everyone up.

When I was young and single I once lived in a house with a bunch of guys. One of the guys and his girlfriend were so damned noisy we HATED them, in spite of the fact that she would get drunk and naked and fall asleep drooling on the sofa. It was like "Oh, God, not again," and you'd throw a blanket over her and hope she wouldn't be there in the morning.

But you're right, internet porn is something else. The people on the computer screen don't talk back to you, hog the bathroom, or drink all your beer.

So far as your observation about the women in the porn business goes, you've probably got your cause and effect backwards. It seems to me that women with an "an abnormal amount of personal problems" are more likely to end up doing that kind of work, and not the other way around.

I know a woman who once worked the conventions in San Francisco, and she was messed up well before she started working as an escort. I know why she was messed up, and when that person died I was happy. It didn't solve the problem and I'm still very disturbed by it all, even though it happened a long time ago and turned out okay eventually.

[karlrschneider]

60. I REALLY hope you're just shitting us...

:eyes:

[mongo]

176. LOL!

That to a young brain pornography can be life altering and he may change his tastes due to content and become a weirdo.

Getting your information from James Dobson?

[applegrove]

204. No from studies that say a young lads first sexual experiences can

be altered by content be it violent or just weird. How'd you like to have a young teenager who becomes a "back door man" before he has even dated? Remember the kid may only have access to the same movie over and over again.

There are studies that say content mixed with first sexual experiences are mind altering. I'm not going to go get em cause I cannot be bothered at this juncture. I'm sure you agree movies should have an over 18 rating if their content is only safe for that age. Why they are rated as such.

[Marnieworld]

195. I dunno about that

I've heard from guys that they have picked up techniques and skills for pleasing women from Porn. It's not like we come with a manual or it's taught anywhere else. It can be educational. I never disagreed with anyone who told me this either. :P

[garybeck]

196. if you want to have open dicsussions with your kids, you can't

approach it like that, telling they'll "become a weirdo." And what exactly does he have to lose. It is normal activity for teenagers to look at pornography.

If you want to have a real discussion with your son about this, talk to him about how there are different levels and types of pornography. All are not "bad." Photos that show women being abused, child pornography, and things like that *are* bad, and presumably you would be able to explain why. You can also get into the problems with the pornography industry and how some women are treated. but to say it's all bad, unless you're 18, and we don't trust you so we're putting a lock on your computer, that will create a wall between you and that son, which could take decades to break down.

[oldtimecanuk]

4. You did'nt say it was a boy in your posted line... but...

I think it is a natural thing for teens period.... Still remember being under the covers with a couple of friends, flash lite in hand and a playboy magazine in the other..... The problem with chastinsing is that you are making it sound like it is not natural to do this..... uhhhh Yep, it's natural, trust me on that...

ww

[lonestarnot]

9. I haven't said much yet as I was very shocked to see what was left on the damn screen.

Iiiiicky!

[JVS]

7. do nothing unless he collects more than a gig

if that happens say "cut down on the porn you fucking freak!"

[lonestarnot]

12. I don't think he's collecting from what I can assess

[Katherine Brengle]

8. All computer activity by minors should be monitored anyway for safety -

so my kid would not be using the computer in an area private enough for this use to begin with.

[lonestarnot]

13. hmmmf.

Trusted him until now.

[Katherine Brengle]

18. I didn't say anything about trust -- there are a lot of weirdos and creeps out there --

and every day kids are lured to them over the internet, even older kids.

It's not worth the risk.

[lonestarnot]

52. We have discussed this at length and how easy it is to get sucked into those lures,

but apparently he cast all the conversations aside. I did say something about trust. I trusted him that he would not go to those kinds of websites as we had discussed his computer use. I even had him watch one of those undercover perv busts shown recently on MSNBC Dateline. He's aware of the freaks, but it didn't stop him. Arrrrrg! Now I don't trust him to use the computer alone again.

[oldtimecanuk]

26. In all serious though... there are products out there....ie:

Net Nanny is one that I recall.... If you Google for a software lock, there are plenty that work well out there.... I do think that this is natural for teen boys though, and I am afraid that if you harness him to much, you might cause more problems than you solve. If I were you, I would seek some professional advice, from both a male and a female Psychologist or someone in the field.

ww

[Katherine Brengle]

31. It's only "normal" bc people allow it --

interest in sex is absolutely normal. Internet porn is not sex - it's crude, unrealistic, and illegal for minors to view.

I'm actually shocked at the number of people saying this is alright. I wouldn't "punish" a child for this, but I guarantee once I found out it wouldn't be happening again under my roof.

And btw the same rules apply to myself and my husband.

[Zhade]

148. It's abundantly clear you've never heard of the HUGE (and expanding) 'amateur' genre.

I mean real amateur, not staged - and which is every bit as natural as anything you do in your bedroom.

[Katherine Brengle]

186. I still disapprove of it, which is my right, is it not?

Doesn't make me any less liberal either.

[mongo]

173. Wow.

And btw the same rules apply to myself and my husband.

And I just have to wonder if you read a post where a husband controlled what his wife read or what movies she watched if you would be OK with that?

Or how she spent her free time by herself for that matter.

[Katherine Brengle]

187. Did I say that *I* am the only one who makes the "rules" ??

It is something we agreed on long ago, not something that has been forced.

Glad to see that you think my husband can't possibly have some morals though, must be the woman's doing.

[mongo]

199. Or he learned a long time ago

that it is just easier to capitulate to you.

[Katherine Brengle]

201. Would you like to make some more judgments about my personal life, about which you literally know

nothing?

I don't appreciate it, and it is not your business to do so.

I believe it is also possibly in violation of DU rules.

[Marnieworld]

198. I zeroed in on this phrase as well

The only rules my husband and I have were specified in our marriage vows. Does she regulate his thoughts and fantasies as well? Is it up to a vote if he wants to masturbate? These things are so personal. You marry someone but you don't own their souls.

I will never stop being amazed at people being amazed at people watching porn. How is it a multi-billion $ industry if people didn't like it and watch it?

And of course- Hi Mongo! :hi: :hug:

[Katherine Brengle]

202. Once again, how about not judging my marriage, about which you know nothing?

My marriage is quite healthy and happy, even without porn.

:eyes:

[Marnieworld]

203. You started the judging

I guess my marriage is "immoral" by your standards.

[Katherine Brengle]

205. I never said it was immoral for other people to watch it --

I said that I, personally, find it degrading to women and generally disgusting.

And I am certainly not alone. Just as you are not alone in your opinion.

I passed judgment on no one in this thread.

[Marnieworld]

219. In post # 87

You stated "...Glad to see that you think my husband can't possibly have some morals though..."

The implication is that not watching porn is the moral choice so clearly the opposite is implied, a porn watching husband has no morals. By extension I took it that I have no morals because I am completely comfortable with his watching it and (heaven forbid!)I actually have watched it myself.

You also in other posts used the words, "Lame" and "Disgusting" which are also judgemental terms. Sure you were talking about the porn itself but how is that not also discussing those who watch it or participate in it?

You are completely entitled to your opinions and judgements of course but people are entitled to respond to them or even just point them out. We have completely different perspectives and experiences I feel but that's what makes DU a good place to visit.

And I admit I was snarky in my original post about you and not to you and I apologize. Despite my acceptance of voyeurism I have other good qualities. ;)

[Katherine Brengle]

222. Well, it wasn't intended to be about those viewing, so my

apologies if you interpreted it that way - it was not my goal.

I'm not really an overly moralistic person in life either lol, porn is one of my anti-vices is all.

:D

[lonestarnot]

54. Very good suggestion!

I will call a friend who is a psychologist.

[otherlander]

96. A psychologist, for looking at porn?

:crazy:

[SemperEadem]

207. don't put it to him like that

making him feel as if he's not worthy of trust will do more to drive a wedge between you and him than anything else you can think of. You don't want to be old and infirm and your son won't deal with you because of how you chose to react in this one instance. Words can stick for a lifetime.

[maxsolomon]

10. limit the sneaky bastard to soft core

teenage boys - 15,16, 17 - aren't ready to handle the misogynist hardcore specialty stuff. its going to taint their expectations away from good old wholesome all american coitus.

and taser him.

[lonestarnot]

19. Like this advise too.

But you know and I know that the taser thing is just a joke.

[maxsolomon]

168. thank you for saying so.

i'm never sure about my parenting abilities since i've taken some non-traditional approaches based on the fact that i'm a stepdad & i don't want to be unrealistic. i took drugs, i got drunk, i had sex, i don't regret it, so who am i to demand abstinence? i just want mindfulness - drink, but don't drink till you need your stomach pumped, and don't drive - just sleep where you are.

my stepson started checking out porn on the internet about 15, 16. and of course he was sloppy about it. but once i saw what he was looking at (lipstick lesbian sites), i thought it was fairly harmless. it wasn't granny orgy sites or the like. i looked at playboy as soon as i could. hustler was a little scary for me at 15. that was back in the 70s, though.

the biggest challenge was to stop his mom from embarassing him over & over by bringing it up at the dinner table. she thinks that's funny. as a former teenage boy, i don't.

[Akoto]

11. Well, as a 22-year-old male, here's my advice ...

If you must talk to him, he will be humiliated, so do him a favor and don't discuss it like the world's ending. In doing so, you may lead him to believe he's a pervert or weirdo who is bad for having sexual feelings/interests. That'll screw him up more than looking at the porn did, I'd wager.

It wasn't long ago that I was a teenager, and I can tell you that it's just something which happens. Hormones doing what they do, it's natural in that time to be interested in that sort of content. Of course, it's also illegal and you shouldn't encourage him to continue looking at it. Just don't do so by claiming that he's a freak.

[lonestarnot]

21. So far all I've told him was that "I thought that site was gross and that

he was totally grounded from computer use. Installing a password on all the computers and taking the laptop with me to work. I did ask him when he started doing this and he said about 2 months ago. I asked him how often and he said once a month. I said "Yeah sure." That's it so far.

[BlackVelvet04]

100. I would ground him from computer use for a while....

if he gets into the wrong sites it can become a legal issue. Yes, it's normal for him to want to look but it can become unhealthy. Porn for the most part is demeaning to women and I don't think that's what you want your son to learn.

[meldroc]

135. It can be a serious legal issue.

That chick he's looking at on the screen may be over 18, or not...

Kind of hard to tell, isn't it. If she's 17 & a half, that's a felony. And law-enforcement types won't accept the excuse "I thought she was 18." If cops think you're looking at underage porn (say because they logged your computer's IP address when he downloaded it,) they will seize your computer, and scan your hard drive with forensics software, comparing the images in your son's porn collection with known images of underage girls. If there's a match, you're in big trouble! Your son, or you will be arrested, charged with possession of child porn, prosecuted, and will be screwed FOR LIFE!!! You'll do jail time, pay huge fines, spend your life savings paying a defense attorney to keep you & your loved ones out of prison, end up on an insanely restrictive probation, be forced to register as a sex offender, and the law will be peering up your orifices with a microscope for the rest of your life.

There are lots of horror stories about perfectly decent people getting their lives turned upside down because of overzealous cops and prosecutors.

I'll leave it to others to argue that porn is unhealthy, or is misogynistic, etc. Just CYA.

[BlackVelvet04]

149. EXACTLY......

it's definitely not something to take lightly.

I highly recommend "washing" the hard drive with something like Windows Washer. I don't know if even that gets rid of all the traces. You can "bleach" the free space.

[meldroc]

152. Or if you're feeling paranoid enough, try DBAN

Darik's Boot and Nuke at http://dban.sourceforge.net/

It will wipe your entire hard drive and overwrite it multiple times with random data. Not even the NSA would be able to recover data wiped with this tool.

[hunter]

191. Thermite works best.

Find a trash can big enough to hold the entire computer, put it in the middle of your house, put the computer in it, fill it with thermite, ignite, RUN!

There won't be anything left of the computer porn, and any other incriminating evidence that might have been in your house will be gone too.

[halobeam]

166. I completely agree.... if these girls are underage YOU as an adult can go to jail

I told my son this. I didn't make him feel there was anything wrong with the desire or the action (so to speak), but the legal issue for on line porn is too high a risk for ALL OF US. We could be ruined as a family. We've got enough television channels (I hinted to him) that are "very interesting" and IMO, that is way safer. He's 16 and I have stressed how normal this is. We discussed the accessibility and ease of the net, but the price could be devastating. We bought a tv and put it in his room (way after the conversation) and as a xmas gift, so that it wasn't obvious as to why he now has a tv. Didn't want him to be embarrassed.

[Morgana LaFey]

234. that's all well and good

I didn't make him feel there was anything wrong with the desire or the action (so to speak), but the legal issue for on line porn is too high a risk for ALL OF US.

But boy, oh boy, that's not all that's wrong with porn -- and I say "wrong" NOT in the "moral" sense. Porn gives an unrealistic and usually degrading view of women and dating and sex and men's entitlements about sex and so forth and so on. It would be a TRAVESTY if our young men got their views about all this primarily from porn. There's no respect for women in porn, no mutual respect for one another in porn, it's just about using people.

That's not healthy. Yeah, interest in sex is healthy and even women's bodies. But SURELY you could at least deliver some gentle little lecture about the matter. Couldn't you?

And it's certainly your business, but I don't think it's all that enlightened to have encouraged him to fill up on soft porn (I presume soft porn) on TV. "Sure, son, oogling women as sex objects is so natural, and so right and so much a male prerogative that I'll encourage you to do it to your heart's content in your room -- the only important thing here is that it not endanger us legally. Objectification of women is just fine. GO FOR IT!"

And I won't even go into the whole notion of viewing soft porn instead of learning how to have healthy relationships with women and HAVING real relationships with real women.

[Carni]

175. The above is exactly what I would tell the kid

This poster said it so much better than I did, but there are legal concerns!

[Carni]

174. Just a thought-- YOU are legally responsible for what he looks at

Just thought I would add...

You might want to explain to him that if he gets your computer embroiled with something illegal, or unsavory, even accidentally, that YOU will ultimately be the one the authorities look at.

My thought process on this is...it might keep his forays around the net in check and keep him out of too much trouble, besides, ultimately it's true, you will be stuck with his history trail on your computer!

It's something of a guilt trip to lay on the kid, but you wouldn't be saying "you are an abnormal weirdo" you'd just be stating a fact--what he does as someone under 18 can turn around and bite his parents so he has to be careful.

Just my 2 cents!

[Cabcere]

64. Is it natural

for a teenage boy to be downloading what I guess you'd describe as "incest porn," though? I was on my little brother's computer while I was home over break, and I opened up his media player and (what I thought were) music playlists to listen to while I worked out, and saw some really horrifying video filenames. :puke: My brother is 15 (he'll be 16 on Sunday), and he said I could use the computer, so it's not like I was deliberately snooping around on his computer or anything...I talked to him about it, one-on-one, and told him I thought that whole "father-****ing-his-teenage-daughter" thing was really gross and that I didn't think he should do it. I told him I figured it was natural for teenage boys to look at "regular" porn, but to me that crossed some sort of line...I didn't tell our parents about it or anything, but I was just wondering, is that normal? :shrug: Thanks in advance.

(Sorry if this sounds like a "Dear Abby" letter, lol, but your response got me thinking about this issue.)

[Akoto]

87. Well, not that I'm qualified to be giving advice, but ...

I think there's a difference between normal/unusual porn, and crossing-the-line porn. In my mind, content that most people would find disturbing (such as incest) falls into 'crossing the line.'

Most porn is legal, but the files you mentioned may not be if the content matches the file names. If you think that he might have stuff of that nature on his PC, you should let his parents know for his own good.

Setting that aside, at his age, he shouldn't be looking at porn anyhow. Teenagers will find a way, but I don't feel they should be encouraged. If their viewing habits go beyond reasonable activities between consenting adults, that's even more reason to sit them down about it.

[Lance_Boyle]

192. the names are changed

Now it's a file called "father_fucking_teen.mpg" whereas back in my day it was a ragged VHS copy of "Taboo." I think the practice of adult film entertainers exploring the taboo in fantasy is no more harmful now than it was then, provided no minors (or other sentient beings) are harmed in the production.

[sweetheart]

171. Why talk, why not surf together

I would ask to see which ones he liked the most, and if he had no taste, i'd be disappointed.

But more likely, he would not care, nor would I,
and nobody would care because its not an issue.

[likesmountains 52]

14. Well, when my middle school aged son was approached about this

his dad and I just calmly told him that curiosity about the naked human body was normal...and then I calmly told him that his dad and I could begin walking around the house naked if it would help him get "comfortable' with the naked human body..( I was totally bluffing) the horrified look on his face was something I will never forget....and it led to a rational and calm conversation about the issue..

[crikkett]

24. Now THAT is brilliant!!

BRAVO!
:applause:

[likesmountains 52]

91. Thanks..you have to be on your toes to keep ahead of them!

[lonestarnot]

28. LOL!

I know a woman whose son used to come to the dinner table w/o his shirt regularly. She found this rude. (I don't have a problem with it as we are informal in our house). One morning he came to the table for breakfast w/o his shirt. The mom whipped off her blouse and sat there topless. The kid was so shocked, he never came to the table w/o his shirt again. Little over the top for me, but worked for them.

I am really floored over this porn thing. But I don't want him to know. I don't know what to say to him, but I'm getting some good advise. I love DU!

[likesmountains 52]

88. He had been through some "sex ed" at school by that time, and when I

asked him if what he had seen on the internet was similar to what he had learned in school he actually got pale and said "no...not at all." It really did open up a great conversation for us...just be prepared for some wild misconceptions...we thought kids were more sophisticated than we had been, but they really aren't....

[oldtimecanuk]

34. hahaha... Now that's funny... ugh... I can just imagine that...

as a teen... My God, my friends are coming over, are mom and dad going to have cloths on? Shit, that would do it for me.... lol

ww

[likesmountains 52]

92. I can't imagine how awful the images must have been for him...

[hunter]

71. My parents were (and are) quite casual about nudity.

My siblings and I learned to make a lot of noise whenever we entered the house with friends.

Maybe my wife and I are that way too. It always surprises me when people say they've never seen their parents nude.

The problem with the internet is that there is so much horrid misogyny.

[likesmountains 52]

89. Could not agree more..

[Radio_Lady]

132. Bravo for your parents. I was a nudist with my own two little children, ages 3 and 2,

when I remarried my husband, who had three older kids, ages 14, 12, and 9. Their mother was a very conservative lady who had died young, age 34, from cancer. I was nothing like her, suffice it to say.

I've been told that it was probably not very smart of me to continue with my nude swimming with my new husband in the backyard pool at night. All the kids tried it out and in high school, my stepson used to bring other boys home to swim nude.

Anyway, everybody's grown up OK, but I still get groans when I mention my former nudity in hushed tones.

"Please, Mom, that's too much information..."

Here's Radio Lady, rigorously pursuing a free sexuality at age 15 -- 1956.

[helderheid]

74. you rock!

[likesmountains 52]

90. thanks...you should hear how I got him to keep his pet's cages clean!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

104. Holy shit you are brilliant.

:rofl:

:applause:

[Carni]

177. Bwahhaahaahhaa! That is hilarious!

Would there be anything worse as a teen than to have your parents wandering naked through the house at their leisure?

No -- I don't think so! lol!

[dddem]

15. As the mother of 2 daughters,

I can only hope that the parents of boys who visit these sites take the time to explain that real women (especially those that they may date) are entitled to respect and consideration.
After you are certain that boys (and girls) understand that what you see on these sites, or in the movies is not how it works in the real world, then I would leave them be. I think the only part that bothers me is that although we had access to porn, we had to go looking for it. Now, all they have to do is turn on the tv. I'm all for adults doing whatever, so long as nobody gets hurt, but I wish the kids didn't have to deal with these issues quite so soon.

[lonestarnot]

29. Ug! It has me wierded out for sure.

[oldtimecanuk]

40. Here's another piece of advise for you....

This one will require a little work on your part, but as a Computer Systems Manager for 18 years, you can go out on the computer and find out the sites that he has been visiting... via left behind files that are stored on the Hard Drive. You will probably need to do some research on this, or if you know someone that has some expertise in the field, then that will help.... The only thing is, is there really any reason to know this info? Suffice it to say that he is on porn sites, and really does'nt matter what the content is in your eyes...

ww

[lonestarnot]

56. Yes.

Porn is porn to me. I certainly know enough. He was there at least once and that's all I need to know. But I would like to know how to log for future check up, as he has already broken the trust factor until it is restored, I will be monitoring very closely.

[wiggs]

70. Good answer. Punishment is certainly not needed, but it's very important to

talk about what he's seeing and what's real and not real (and I don't mean body parts). Porn, even though fun and interesting, is a distorted view of sex and relationships and if he's young it can certainly affect how his attitudes, perceptions, and views evolve.

Youngsters need to be cautious about all kinds of things, not yet having the experience and maturity to put them in their proper places. I'm not for limiting kids' experiences, but for some experiences a little guidance is called for.

And you certainly don't want him to become so enamored of the visuals that he neglects the real thing and all the complexities and wonder that comes with it. If he's spending any significant time on it, it may be taking away from his growth as a person rather than adding to it.

Anyway, that's the 2 cents from a parent of two teen girls....and for me, I would hope my girls date boys who spend no time or minimal time pumping porn images and expectations into their heads. I wish for them great sex someday, and I have a feeling that watching a significant amount of porn (by them or their dates) would not be helpful in that regard...If I heard somewhere that a boy one of my girls was dating was super into porn, I'd really have misgivings.

[Morgana LaFey]

235. I've seen absolutely no indicattion that anyone on this thread

has any bleepin' idea what you're talking about. And I think for many of the men on the thread, your comments fit the category of "I understand every word, individually, but when they're all strung together like that, I don't have a CLUE what you're talking about."

This whole thread makes me sick to my stomach.

Well said, though, for what it's worth.


Edit: Fortunately, Wiggs does. But we'll see how many more.

[dsc]

17. I would go to the sites myself and see what he has been looking at

Also make sure he is really going to the sites and not being porno bombed, it does happen. Then, depending on what the sites are you can decide what to do. Not all porno is created the same. Is it abusive? Is it non consential? Is it just plain sex?

[lonestarnot]

32. It was gross! Trust me.

It appeared to be consensual and involved mutiple parties. But I did not look at it long enough to find out the plot. :puke:

[Runcible Spoon]

47. I'm guessing bukkake. nt

[lonestarnot]

57. What is bukkake or do I want to know?

[Runcible Spoon]

63. what the hey. I'll tell you.

Because I believe that huge problem here is treating discussions of sexuality as taboo. Part of demystifying things that we consider wierd, gross, exotic and/or dangerous is being able to dispassionately describe them when we look at them. Bukkake is group sex where many men ejaculate semen onto a woman's (usually) face. I think this kind of porn is offensive and sexist, but it's not something I would freak out about or not expect a teen boy to look at. I would talk to him NOT about looking at porn, but about the dangers of objectifying women. That is the real issue.

[helderheid]

78. Good advice.

[lonestarnot]

120. Well now I know.

icky. And yes you are right about part of the issue, but I think that you overlook the affects of pornography. Aren't there some who are addicted to this sort of trash?

[Runcible Spoon]

147. sure, people get addicted to all sorts of trash: alcohol, junk food, betting, etc.

doesn't mean a well-adjusted person can't enjoy these things in moderation. Of course you should be worried if he's on for hours every night looking at porn.

[madrchsod]

20. monitor the computer

send him to a fundy church to be saved...i`m kidding....

[lonestarnot]

33. Holy crap. They would probably waterboard him!

[mondo joe]

22. I'd leave it alone.

Unless the teen is unusually young, or vulnerable and you think there may be more going on than just looking at porn.

[lonestarnot]

35. I think that was it, but I hope I'm not being naive.

[mondo joe]

38. Most boys look at porn. IMO it is natural curiosity. Of course I'm gay so I don't

have to think much about some of the creepy things there are in straight porn.

[lonestarnot]

42. I don't know about most boys.

I only know about my kid and I am shocked in a way (because he's my baby) and I'm not shocked because I know it is natural to be curious. I just wish he hadn't been curious about this crap. Too late for that spilt milk story.

[mondo joe]

50. How old is he???

[lonestarnot]

59. Too young for porn LOL

[crikkett]

23. Even though everyone looks at porn, I say ground him and

unplug the computer.

An adult can say "gross" and click away and remain firm in their own sexuality, but kids on the other hand have no idea what the hell is going on, no matter what they think they know. It's not so much an effort to keep the kid a prude as it is to maintain an attitude of mystery and discovery and respect towards sex, which is probably best learned first-hand. Now *that* is a different problem altogether...

So my vote is to make the kid work at least as hard as I did for the porn.

[lonestarnot]

36. I do not look at porn. It was in my damn face when jiggled the mouse to get rid

of the screen saver.

[Katherine Brengle]

44. Nor me...

it's lame and generally disgusting.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

48. Me neither.

I just research it. For a project I'm doing.

A lame and generally disgusting project.

[JVS]

93. I agree lame and disgusting. I'm no prude, but sex is gross!

:eyes:

[Katherine Brengle]

106. *SEX* is far from gross -- I said porn was lame and disgusting, not sex. nt

[JVS]

107. What's so disgusting about it?

It's people screwing. Big deal

[Katherine Brengle]

119. I generally find other people having sex unstimulating, I find fake body parts

unstimulating, and I happen to find pornography in general degrading to women.

There are a scant few exceptions to this.

Just my personal opinion.

[Porcupine]

154. porn is ultimately degrading to men more than women

very few of us are ever going to get near the bodies in porn or anything like them. You have millions (billions?) of men who are paying $$ to see women sit around naked or perform work that is generally not as hazardous or dangerous as oil field work, coal mining, farming or fishing. (look at the work injury stats)

There is no comparable work option for men. Go to a strip club and look and see who is in control; hint: it's not the guys.

[Katherine Brengle]

189. lmao

Men control everything my friend.

And they definitely control the sex industry - they are providing the "demand" for these "services" - women are providing supply based on this demand.

[girl gone mad]

225. I used to work at one.

The men were squarely in control. Men hate the power beautiful women possess over them and they go to those places to prove to themselves that they can dominate these women. Business men and frat boys were the most regular customers - guys who spend a lot of their time around women who are off-limits to them.

[Porcupine]

229. "the power beautiful women possess over them"

Yeah sure the men are in control. Even you don't believe that. Nor does the poster above who bragged that her husband doesn't look at porn. Are you sure there were no other job options for you? An attractive girl who was able to work a strip club? I see you can use a computer.

I surely don't see women competing for those well paying tree service and roofing jobs.

Sorry, women with no skills can make as much money in four hours as a blue collar worker earns in a week. Businessmen and frat boys go to strip clubs because they can afford them, that's all.

Like the t-shirt says: "I got the p*$$y so I make the rules." If men don't like it there's a concrete box waiting for them. I'm sick of the pretense that women have no power in the US. What utter BS.

[Morgana LaFey]

236. Don't look now

you just proved her point: Men hate the power beautiful women possess over them

Your resentment of women is palpable. I guess you won't be making any contributions to N.O.W. this year, or the Feminist Majority Fund, eh?

[girl gone mad]

238. Touché. n/t

[oldtimecanuk]

46. Your post is the current problem.....

In my day, we did'nt seem to have the number of perverts out there that are there today.... So yes, as a father of two grown son's and now 2 grand daughters, and 1 grand son it is very troubling that we have the Internet to throw at them, and the number of perv's that seem to stalk any and all teens out there.
One thing that you are doing right, is being aware of what he is up to... You get huge Kudo's for that... Many parents, could'nt be bothered even looking at what their teens and pre-teens are up to...

As I said though, don't discourage him from the human body, cause this can and may cause some serious long term problems....

Best of luck with this!

ww

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

51. LOL.

"In my day, we did'nt seem to have the number of perverts out there that are there today...."

The important word here is "seem."

[oldtimecanuk]

67. Yep your right on that post.... seem to... maybe not aware...

Today, the MSM lets you know big time when there are perverts in your area and how bad they are... ie: Just released from prison today.. bla,bla,bla was recently released today and the local police would just like to advise you that this POS is living in your neighbourhood.... duh...

ww

[lonestarnot]

62. Thanks Oldtimecanuk! I'm going to need it!

:hug:

[Carni]

178. I think the perverts were there you just didn't have cable to hear about them

I think the pervert factor has remained pretty much the same!

[slackmaster]

213. I gave it up many years ago

I don't avoid it when it's in front of me, but I don't seek it out and never store any pornographic media on my computer.

[Liberal In Texas]

25. He probably knows better sites than you do. So ask. n/t

[DavidDvorkin]

27. Grow up and leave the kid alone

Except for asking him to forward the best URLs to you.

[uppityperson]

30. Depends on age, how much, how often

Explain about cookies and that you are probably going to be getting a whole bunch of sex related email spams. If it was a 1 time thing, let him know that there is no anyonimity and the pages stay on the computer and it would be good if he were to hold off for a bit more, though you can understand him being curious. "would you like a book?" Buy The Joy of Sex and leave it around the house, eventually they will get bored.

We went through it, got tired of the spamming. It seems normal, to want to look and giggle. Overall, ours grew out of it pretty fast. We didn't make a big thing out of it, so to speak, did the above. Good luck.

[lonestarnot]

39. Yes am going to do this after I gather some more of my own thoughts

on the matter. I really think not making a big deal out of it the best thing. But we do need to talk.

[meow mix]

37. no kids, im not really into them.. and that second to the last option

was just to hard to pass up }(

[rosesaylavee]

41. I'd talk to him about it.

When I realized my son had been visiting sites it was because of a virus and malware had been deposited along with several cookies from several of the sites. We talked at that time about respecting girls and tho sex and attraction to the opposite sex was a fine thing, looking at the sites had nothing on them that was based in reality.

A few years later, realized he was again looking at some sites that were porn... as I am the computer nerd in the house, told him that I could visit each and every site he had visited. And if he was uncomfortable with me looking at the sites too, they weren't acceptable to view. It was this time that I called him into the room to ask him about one of the sites I had pulled up on the screen... it was a quick conversation! :)

Maybe get him some informative books about sex that you or a trusted friend can sit down and talk to him about. I think we have one around here for younger people I could recommend if you need one.

[lonestarnot]

43. Yes, I would check out the book if you recommend.

I let him do the sex ed thing at school taught by the coach. Hormones are apparently raging the curiosity deal at this point in time I guess. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek I just hate this. They should come with a manual.

[oldtimecanuk]

61. OK.. I have two grown sons... one 33 and the other is 30

My 33 year old was a great kid as far as any trouble was concerned (The 30 year old was fine as well, just much more adventurous). The 33 year old had access to the computer (Computer was not where in hind site should have been, located upstairs in a family room) he used to get onto the porn sites, but of course being a systems expert, I could track where he had been and I kept an eye on the sites.

The bottom line to this is, he used to frequent porn sites, and is now married to a great wife and has 3 children.... So don't get yourself all bent out of shape over this, cause it will work itself out but keep an eye on any Email's or chat sites.... That to me is the key here... JMHO

ww

[lonestarnot]

66. He will be sick of the monitoring, but I can't help that.

He created the new job for me. Nice just what I need another damn job! I'm going to go taser him! :rofl:

[NashVegas]

77. Great Advice

I don't know anyone of any age who didn't seek out porn shortly after getting their first internet account. (Okay, I work with and hang out with people who aren't into feeling guilty about sex.)

But they get over it pretty quickly, unless they're an obsessive person to begin with.

My best friends, both very computer literate (he's an LAN operator, she had a job as a software installer) put it plainly to their kids, early on.

"We know it's out there. We know you're going to be curious, and that's okay. We know that if you are that determined to find it, no monitoring software we install is going to stop you. BUT. We expect you to use the comp responsibly, and if we think there's a problem, we're going to step in and you're going to lose your ability to get online."

10 years later, there's never been an issue. They might be peeking now and then but they are, quite obviously, far more interested in using it for gaming than anything.

[rosesaylavee]

226. Working on getting the title for you. n/t

[The Straight Story]

49. Ask em to send me the links :) (nt)

[Runcible Spoon]

55. I can't believe the puritanism here!

maybe I'm a huge freak but maybe I was just a curious child. I would pick up and read anything interesting, look at any pictures I could get my hands on. I can say I was more scarred from looking at Vietnam combat photos than I was at looking at pictures of orgies or secretly watching my Dad's copy of Caligula when I was 13. If you're anything like me, you will remember that teens do a lot of shit that you don't know about and probably wouldn't want to know. Punishing a kid over looking at porn is ridiculous. In many societies around the world, sex is a non-issue, there is no private fascination of it. Of course in others, it is highly taboo to even discuss it. guess what? THOSE are teh societies where rapes are more prevalent, where women are socially repressed and sexually denied. The US is a paradox: on one hand we are saturated with simalated sex but on the other hand we are extremely puritanical about the actual act when it comes to OURSELVES and our families. We have become a nation of voyeurs. If I were you, I'd make sure that his access to porn was limited to sensuous, sensitively filmed eroticism. Tell him to go buy DVDs and not infect your computer with spyware. There is such porn. It is natural to want to look at sex; it is NOT natural to watch it crudely simulated on network TV which I find more offensive than a lot of porn out there.

[lonestarnot]

68. You make some very good points.

That is why I am waiting to talk to him. Am going to think this out as he is a smart one. I think I will take him to dinner now and we are going to talk it over.

[Runcible Spoon]

73. like I said the most troubling thing about porn...

is for teen boys to think it's OK to objectify and use women. They're gonna want to look at porn regardless, but you have a real opportunity to educate him on the ins and outs (pun maybe intended :)) of treating women well, in bed and out. His future girlfriends will thank you.

[Porcupine]

155. Then don't let him watch TV either.

Because you can't watch the cartoon channel without catching people objectifying other people. I would retrict his reading to microbiology and chemistry texts also; you don't want him reading "Like Water for Chocolate" or anything.

[Hippo_Tron]

65. I think the key is understanding the difference between fantasy and reality

Teenagers are going to masturbate, it's normal. They just need to understand that when they do have real relationships they shouldn't expect it to be like the pictures they see on the internet.

[lonestarnot]

69. Eyeyeyeyeyeye.

I don't know why talking this over with my son should be so weird. Going to go try it now.

[oldtimecanuk]

82. lonestarnot I gotta tell ya.. I am very impressed with you as...

a mother..... If 95% of the other parents in the world cared this much about their kids, we would'nt probably even be here having this thread. Parents are there to make certain that they know what their kids are up to, setting boundaries etc. In all honesty, parenthood is no easy task, and it took me some time to adjust to keeping track of what my boys were up to... Hey, I sure as hell was not going to win any awards for my parenting skills, but thank God they have grown up and turned into Human Beings.. what ever the hell that might be.. ugh..

ww

[helderheid]

84. Agreed - you are one hell of a mom! Good on ya for caring so much.

[lonestarnot]

118. Ahhh shucks

:kickdirt: You warm my heart helderheid.

[lonestarnot]

116. What a very nice compliment. Nothing more important in life to me

than being a mom. You have no idea how nice that was, thank you.

[Hippo_Tron]

83. I had this conversation with my dad when I was 13

The porn on my computer was actually accidental. I had seen it because of pop ups on other sites I visited, but my intent wasn't to find porn. My dad told me that I shouldn't look at that stuff because the sex in porn has no human emotion, and it's like humans having sex as though they were animals. It was kind of a waste at that time because it was accidental and my hormones didn't really kick in until I was about 15 (extremely late). By that point I was old enough to understand that what I was watching wasn't reality.

[lonestarnot]

124. After I took him to dinner, this is what I understood him to be saying

about what he had seen.

[Morgana LaFey]

237. Excellent, excellent, excellent

Both of you. :D

[uppityperson]

101. Embarrasing for all concerned.

For him that he is feeling these weird feelings and OMG MOM KNOWS!!!

For you that he is growing up, not your sweet handholding lapsitting baby but and OMG SEXUAL BEING!!!!


I've been there. I feel for you. Good luck, you'll make it, good job, don't sweat too much if it is not a big thing.

[lonestarnot]

123. Took him to dinner. We talked. We laughed. We ate and drank

hot tea. I feel a little less awkward and you described our feelings to a tee! My boy is growing up into a "sexual being" eeeshhhh shit get the taser, I'm back where I started before dinner! :rofl: Thanks for taking time to talk about this, because I'm feeling like a nerd or something. Some people took time to share some very good advise on this thread. DUers are fantastic! I love it here!

[Radical Activist]

117. Are you serious?

You may not think its weird but he will. Maybe your son is very different from most teenage boys but I would have been mortified and traumatized by my Mother talking to me about porn.

[lonestarnot]

125. We talked and he didn't think it was wierd. Relieved his conscience I think.

He knows I still love him. It was actually kind of weird at first until we started laughing and then we just talked. He knew where I was coming from, and what I wanted him to know. I know where he is going, and we're cool. He is a wonderful kid really. I'm a lucky Mom. But the computer is under lockdown conditions. Heh.

[helderheid]

72. My son is 6 so I cannot speak from experience but would you be as appalled if it were a violent game

you found rather than a sex site?

Sex is natural. Teenagers have hormones and I am sure this is a natural curiosity for him. Now porn is also widely defined so I cannot comment what my reaction would be not having that knowledge.

I worry more about the glorification of violence in this country and its overly puritanical views on sex and the human body. My husband and I were flabbergasted at the "boob that wouldn't die" when Janet Jackson flashed some skin at the superbowl. She showed less than what you'd see at a normal day at the beach in the Netherlands (where my husband is from and where I lived with him for a spell). Often when it was very hot there, the news crews would go to the beach and pan the huge crowds of topless sunbathers. Soap ads were also totally in the buff.

Just my 2 cents. Like I said, I'm not there yet so it's hard to say.

[Runcible Spoon]

81. Great point RE: violence.

we really need to deconstruct why our culture passively consumes violence and simulated almost-sex but freaks out about the actual viscerality of sexual acts. What is the history of our society's sexualization in mainstream media representations of the female nipple, for example, but not a man's bare ass?

[lonestarnot]

126. No, I don't think it was the nudity. The action was well disgusting.

And I gave up on the violent game fight long ago. My kid is not violent, but he plays those damn games. That started when he was about 10 (the fight over the rowdy games) Then they progressively got worse. I still do not like them, and he still plays them, but I limit his time on them. Probably not a good thing, but he paintballs too, and that is just well insane. He comes homes with bruises from head to toe and likes still likes to go the next time. :shrug:

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

75. As Always, Talk To Him About It. Openly, Honestly, Comfortably, With A Tone Of Civility Rather Than

discipline, and while treating them like they are smart enough to understand exactly what's going on. It is important when communicating to be genuine, sincere, non-threating and respectful. By respectful, I mean respecting their individuality, sense of self, intelligence, maturity stage and ability to comprehend what's going on.

Always talk it out. They'll respect you for it and it should be far more effective then being controlling ever could be.

[lonestarnot]

127. Zactly what we did!

Talking does work. Keep all the doors open that way.

[TahitiNut]

76. Sit with him, review the porn, and describe HOW and WHY it demeans PEOPLE ...

... (not just women, even though that's clearly prevalent) ... and CALMLY discuss how he'll be healthiest happiest if he doesn't ASSOCIATE sex with something 'dirty' or 'bad' now in his life. I think it's important that it not be treated as though it's a perversion for a male to look at porn. We can call it 'normal' without extolling it as the 'best' thing a male could do. Emphasize that it's a matter of balance and HEALTHY SEXUALITY depends on relationships where people see one another as far more than "sex objects" ... i.e. dildos or blow-up dolls.
O8)


If that doesn't work, then have him castrated. :evilgrin:

[lonestarnot]

128. Crack me up!

:evilgrin: You weren't suggesting we sit and do a porn review were you? OMG :rofl: nagh!

[TahitiNut]

136. Just treat it academically - analytical and detached.

Wha ...? You chicken? :evilgrin: Hell ... I'll come down and do it, then. :dunce:

After all ... castration is always an option. (Him. Not me. It'd be wasted on me.) :silly:

[lonestarnot]

167. Done!

Not the review! :evilgrin: Handled it academically.

[NashVegas]

79. Combination of 2 and 4

Talk to them.

They are going to look - it's normal.

But you want to make sure they aren't going to go overboard and get obsessive, and you want to make sure they aren't downloading anything.

You may also want to make sure they don't have a credit card :)

[lonestarnot]

129. Oh geeze a credit card! OMG send me over the edge! LOL

Next he'll be asking for the car keys to run down to Christy's or whatever that slimball joint down the road a piece is called. OMG Van Buren street hookers aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

[FourScore]

85. I think the porn phase is pretty normal.

When I first read the OP, it reminded me of my brother and the porn he kept in his room. My Mom just saw it as a phase, and didn't really put a stop to it. She just asked him to be respectful of his younger siblings and to be discreet, which he was.

But the problem for kids nowadays is that the internet can expose them to a whole different level of perversion. The stuff kids have access to today via the internet is nothing like the porn kids had access to in the late 60's. Not to mention the danger of predators at some of these sites, especially if there are chat rooms involved. That's more akin to allowing your child to stroll through the red-light district by himself -- something even my liberal Mom would never allow.It's also disturbing how degrading some of these sites can be toward women. These aren't Playboy poses in cute, sexy lingerie. Some of the internet sites are pretty horrible.

I would put a block on the hard-core stuff for sure. Putting the computer in a more heavily trafficed area of the house is also a good idea. Also, I would talk to my kid, but I would make sure I didn't shame him in the process. He's just doin' what curious healthy boys do. Boys look at porn, girls read trash novels. That's just the way it is.

Good luck! I'll be going through the same thing in about 5 years from now. Yikes!

[lonestarnot]

131. The dinner talk worked well. No shame involved. I'm not into

the shame thing for a child. They just do what they do to grow up. There's no shame in that.

[sendero]

86. I think it is normal..

... for a teenaged boy to be interested in such things. When I was a kid, we all struggled to get our hands on a Playboy. Same basic thing, but there there is a difference.

I have teenaged sons, and frankly it wouldn't bother me much if I caught them looking at *most* porn. But out there on the net, there is some pretty out there stuff. I think it is fine for adults, but I don't want my kids trying to wrap their heads around some of the really hardcore stuff, and I would not let them view it.

[ebayfool]

94. 1st thing ... update all your virus proggies & firewalls!

Voice of experience here - my boy (grandson - how embarrassing was that for him to have gramma find!) got busted when my comp kept getting infected w/all kinds of porn dialers, virii, & various cooties!

We had a few calm discussions (AFTER I hollered about him causing havoc w/MY computer!) @ how his curiosity was normal, BUT that the women in his life (now as in me & future as in girlfriends ... sob!) were not to be confused with what he might be seeing in those sites & would not be comfortable with his viewing of them. He is old enough to be aware of why he's feeling the urges, & agreed that what he had seen didn't look terribly realistic. After the talk (& cleaning all the spyware, trojans, etc he'd picked up) I went & bought him a few of the more innocuous mags for him to keep in his room (including some female athletic mags - I figured he should also gain some appreciation for the healthy, fit female form). I know I'll probably get flamed for saying that, but I couldn't think of any other way to let him have a peek in private while 'doing his thing' & still keep him away from the open heart surgery sites he was seeing when looking online.

I also put the more graphic sites on the comps host file to block them from access ... I can understand the urge to look, but dayum I got tired of having my computer getting caca all over it!

Plus side - the overwhelming, almost compulsive, insanity that is puberty seemed to level out after @ a year. Just keep in mind that it will get better ... eventually!

And good luck - I'm still reeling!

[lonestarnot]

134. Wow. Talk about reeling!

I thought I had fallen under a cement dump for a few moments. It was fun reading your post. You are a very cool gramma! I will do house cleaning on the computer for sure. Only a year of it? Damn a year sounds like about...too long. My hair is turning a whiter shade of white!

[Warren Stupidity]

95. Either cut off his fingers or blind him.

I think those are the best options for keeping your child safe from all possibly harmful computer experiences.

On the other hand you could wire your house so that you can spy on his every action. In fact you probably can have the kid wired too.

The suggestion I like best is to review all of the kids porn. That one reminds me of the Monday night Supreme Court porn reviews, where the lofty ones would decide which of the fuck flicks were to be permeitted and which made their robes lift too high.

[barb162]

113. LOL

[lonestarnot]

137. Warren Stupidity

You made me laugh outloud! How bout we let the porn watchers review it. I don't have the stomach. LOL

[w8liftinglady]

97. my oldest son was MORTIFIED when I confronted him

...I informed him that I would be viewing the history daily...which makes it tough when YOU go to porn sites.
You parents with daughters better monitor what they are sending on your webcam...that's what he looked at most...

[lonestarnot]

138. Holy crap. I better be checking out the my space thing.

[hunter]

98. What is porn?

I mean there are naked people, and then there is stuff that makes me cringe to look at, and there's not a lot that does that.

Okay, Tommy Lee's Pamela assisted celebration of his penis was pretty bad... Or green Paris Hilton. And every teenage boy in the world was looking for those.

The misogyny of so much internet porn is what bothers me, but there's tons of that crap on U.S. television too.

I'm much more comfortable in Europe where people don't freak out about nudity or sex.

Whoa, look, they got naked pics of Harry Potter at der Spiegel!

http://www.spiegel.de/fotostrecken/0,1518,archiv-10-2007-033,00.html

[mongo]

172. LOL!

Green Paris Hilton! You forgot the racoon eyes!

I have talked so many people out of buying that movie...

[hunter]

190. Ughhh. I did not forget. I was trying not to remember.

I had to cleanse a few computers that got infected by people looking to get that for free.

It would have been much less trouble to simply buy it.

Raccoon eyes... :scared:

[spacelady]

99. get them a subscription to Playboy - They have their Nekkid women

And also it might encourage them to READ very Provocative Articles. Kind of like a college education. Staring at a screen is Not Productive. Reading is fundamental. Picture books with Reading, just like first grade when they should have been Reading.

[hunter]

194. Is that what it's called, "Nekkid?"

I always wondered if there was a specific adjective for heavily photoshopped pictures of nude women of uncommon dimension.

[spacelady]

240. Well, that is the technical term if you must know.

Shorthand if you are in the BIZ.

:D

[edbermac]

102. Soft or hard core?

If it's centerfold stuff, it sounds like normal curiosity.

If it's whips, chains or farm animals, that's another matter.

[Saphire]

103. i just had the same problem with my teen-age son.... I didn't want

to shame in into thinking he's not normal, because he is. I had his father talk to him and explain that it's not something he needs to do on the computer. Of course, it was not "hard" porn, just some soft stuff (topless women), but what ya gonna do? It's there, and like another poster said, just need to explain the diffrence between reality and fantasy. Beleive me, after he found out his mother knew what he was doing, he just kinda stopped on his own. That and his older sister calling him a perv...lol.

[spacelady]

105. That's good. Family involvement in any behavior has influence. n/t

[ebayfool]

111. When they google it up most of the hits aren't the soft sites ...

they get inundated w/the stuff that looks more like 'open heart surgery'!

I tried google after my boy said that's how he was finding porn - it does NOT go from soft to hard. And since they have no idea what the difference is, they can't try to filter it to get to the tamer centerfold stuff. I suspect that's how most kids find it, as well - how else would they know where to go?!

Mine was embarrassed @ getting found out, too. But it took awhile for him to get in control of the urge to look, anyway!

Geeze, I thought girls were tough to raise! Boys have their moments too! :rofl:

[lonestarnot]

140. The older sister perv comments are good! Funny too!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

108. From what I've read, you've handled the situation well.

:hi:

Trust me, there is nothing we teenagers find so endlessly fascinating as sex. NOTHING. (And I'm not even male!) Let him figure things out by himself, but give him some good stuff to look through, not just porn. Wikipedia has some good sex articles with minimal pictures, actually, as I know from first-hand experience. :P

By this point, we know the mechanics--yes, we know about arousal and all its glory, foreplay, the deed itself, climax, etc. We're actually interested in the psychology of it now--the sensations, and what it plain old looks like, since it's (credibly) hard to imagine. I found a Tantra book in my mother's drawer, and while 1) the idea of my parents practicing that is horrifying, though I doubt they seriously did, and 2)it's from the '70s and was written for married couples, so does not mention protection AT ALL, the book itself was endlssly fascinating for its in-depth description of many, many, many sex acts and the general philosophy/religion of Tantra.

:D

[lonestarnot]

141. Tantra? What is the Tantra religion/philosophy? I mean what do they believe?

I've never heard of it? :hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

161. Basically, its a sect of Buddhism/Hinduism that places emphasis on the oneness found with the

universe during sexual contact, specifically orgasm. :P It basically makes sex a holy rite of the highest order.

:hi:

[Liberal In Texas]

109. Make sure he has a good anti-virus program. n/t

[mockmonkey]

110. If it

keeps him out of my bathroom I'm all for it.

[ebayfool]

145. Mine didn't get out of the bathroom 'till I put a lock ON his bedroom door ...

& took the lock OFF of the bathroom door! :rofl:

He only came out of his room for school & meals - for months! Then he returned to a more 'normal' normal - for a pubescent teenager. Once the first frenzied flush of hormones level off, you start to recognize your kid again. But he still won't give up that lock, though!



Sometimes ya gotta get creative!

[immoderate]

112. Pornography is for kids.

Especially if they're not ready for sex.

--IMM

[barb162]

114. What about all those protection devices parents can use.

DOesn't AOL or some outfit have a lot of protections against that if the parents want it

[QMPMom]

115. Password protect the computer and use a password that he

will never guess. That's what we did. It was the same for the "adult" channels on the digital cable. Unless he knows my sister's SSN, he's SOL.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

121. Teach him to avoid getting caught.

[Justitia]

122. Just wait until you find the sexy IMs between him & his girl. Like I did.

Blech!!!!

I couldn't hit the delete button fast enough.

I am one of the most open-minded people I know, the anti-prude.

But, there is something about finding sex-related stuff between your son and his girlfriend that makes you just want to croak.

My son is 23. Fortunately the porn phase was pretty swift (or he got better at hiding it).

[lonestarnot]

142. Oh boy... I can't wait!

LOL

[mongo]

180. Worse than IM's

is the nude picture of your daughter's boyfriend found under the mattress...

Never, ever paint your teenaged daughter's bedroom while she is away.

[Justitia]

188. OMG! You win - LOL! So, did you finish painting? ha, ha -eom

[mongo]

200. Eventually......

Stuck that picture back under her mattress and we did not speak of it for years.

Had a good laugh about it now that she's an adult.

[no_hypocrisy]

133. Make sure he didn't use your credit card to charge the sites.

I mean it. A friend found out his son charged a bunch of porno sites to his card after removing it from his wallet.

[lonestarnot]

143. Oh shit! I better ask that question as I didn't know you had to pay for the crap.

He says he didn't have to pay.

[blogslut]

162. There is a whole lot of free adult content on the web

When your son says he didn't have to pay, he is probably telling the truth.

As for your dilemma, I hope you have it worked out.

[dysfunctional press]

139. if i were a parent- i wouldn't allow my kid to have a computor in their room.

that's just ASKING for trouble, imho.

[lonestarnot]

144. He is a super duper student. He uses it for school work.

[dysfunctional press]

224. ...and visits porn sites.

'nuf said.

[Beausoir]

146. Taser him...definitely. LOL. Argggghhh...this scares me so much!

I have 5 kids under the age of 10.

I know, when the time comes, that I will be able to handle the sex stuff. But, I'm not looking forward to it.

We've always been natural and open about sex in our house. Sex is sex.

But still, the thought of my beautiful 10 year old boy, looking at demeaning pictures of women ( or men), just curls my toes.

I want him to grow up to appreciate sexuality, but I also want him to appreciate dignity. Porn is not dignified. At least not the stuff I've seen...and I've seen lots. It's all fake and demeaning to women.

[RedCappedBandit]

150. Losing trust in your son or daughter over an issue

so miniscule is an absurd reaction in my opinion. No matter what he was looking at, it is completely natural for a teenager. It is not harmful, even if it was "gross" in your opinion.
I think calling your psychologist friend is a good idea, he/she should be able to educate you somewhat in terms of human development.
Alot of people in this thread are overreacting IMO; I have never seen anything to indicate that internet porn is harmful to a teenager. Addiction/obsession is another thing, but thats not what we're talking about here as far as I can tell after reading your post.
As to the whole "illegal" issue.. ask yourself why it is illegal. Because of out of touch conservative politicians? You bet.

Now, everything I said depends on the age of your child obviously, but i'm assuming he or she is probably 15 or older.. I dunno. I really do think most people here are overreacting, though.

[U4ikLefty]

151. Tell him to stop logging on with my username

and reading "My Favorites"!!!

[Warren DeMontague]

153. He should have to scrounge around for old, used, dirty magazines, like we did, dammit!

Really, I think there's a few factors. One, how old is he, and two, just what level of "porn" are you talking about? I mean, there's some disturbed stuff on the internet, but if you're just talking about pictures of naked women, I'd say there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do. Young men tend to masturbate- a lot- and the overwhelming majority of 'em like some visual stimulation to go with it. Perfectly, absolutely normal. And it's not gonna go away.

If you feel the need to keep it "R" rated instead of X, get the kid a subscription to Maxim or something. Otherwise, he's just going to sneak around- because short of a chastity belt, there's no way you'll be able to "stop" this behavior. Me, I think it's terrible to lay a massive guilt trip on a kid for a perfectly normal expression of their sexuality... but, shit, the world's major religions do it every day.

[flyarm]

159. or bathing suit catalogs ........

as i found under bathroom rug ..lol......while raising a teenage boy.........or stuffed behind towels in the bathroom!!

i could not figure out where my bathing suit catalogs were disapppearing to!!
or victoria secret catalogs..lol........


first of all..boys will be boys..and when nature calls.................lol..

but the computer can be dangerous...

so i have advised many moms..put the damn computer on a desk or table in the kitchen...

outta site and in bedrooms ..is dangerous!!

fly

[Swamp Rat]

156. Windex® is your friend

:hi:

[RevolutionStartsNow]

157. My sister just went through this...

She was horrified, mostly because the images were pretty offensive. She was ready to freak out.

But she got her wits about her quickly -- as someone wise on this thread already advised, it's important not to convey to teenagers that sex is dirty or wrong. When my daughter went through a short phase where she confided that she was having sexual thoughts, I was careful to remind her that it was perfectly normal and she should not feel guilty.

While I do believe that there is such a thing as "too much information too soon" for youngsters, I've probably let my kids watch movies or programs that contain more sexual references than many parents would.

But that's not saying I would condone pornography. If it's graphic and demeaning, the message you need to convey is that those images are often degrading to women and that they often (not always) misrepresent women as sexual playthings.

It's difficult to say, without knowing your son; it could be curiousity about sex, in which case a good book (I believe there's a version of Our Bodies, Ourselves geared toward both boys and girls) could help. If it's more horniness than curiousity, there's not much you can do to stop that train. I think most people can separate their sexual fantasies from their real-life relationships.

[flyarm]

158. MOVE THE COMPUTER INTO THE KITCHEN..WHERE YOU CAN

observe whatthe teens are looking at!!

if they think you can look over their shoulder..well then they are less likely to go to those sites!!

grounding doesn't work too well..but over sight does!!

fly

[12string]

160. porn sites

Be sure to hide your credit cards.Then be glad he's not
reading "Soldier of Fortune."

[AnOhioan]

163. "Then be glad he's not reading "Soldier of Fortune.".....

Best reply yet.

[seaglass]

164. My son trashed my laptop looking at porn. Of course that part

wasn't entirely his fault since my virus software had expired, that was a lesson learned the hard way for me.

But...as I went through the cookies of some of the sites he visited I was completely disgusted by what is out there.

Yeah, my brothers stole my father's Playboy magazines - this was NOTHING remotely like a Playboy magazine and way beyond Hustler. Another concern I had was if he went to sites with under 18 porn - now he is 15 so that would be of age to him but it would NOT be a good thing for an adult to have on his/her computer.

So, we talked about it as much as we could - basically came down to it's normal to look but those sites carry viruses and I do not want them viewed on my laptop or the home computer.

Once I got my laptop working again which required a reformat of C: and reinstall of software and buying of new software, I purchased Norton Anti-Virus/Internet Security.

I use the Parental Controls on both the computers, primarily blocking Porn and Hate sites - you can choose which type of a variety of sites you want blocked.

It is not perfect. A few times a month I will run across a site that I can't access that is completely OK - so I add the sites as allowed sites, it's not that big of a deal.

[seabeyond]

165. my 11 yr old son already talking to me about porn. seems a couple kids

are allowed porn in their house. so he is talking to me about it. he has a real problem calling them perverts the way they talk about females and gays. the nifty is he is so comfortable he talks to me about all this. for about a about a year now we have talked about sexuality and natural progression that child walk in this. that i am all for the natural curiosity and experience of sex. i am not into the degradation of female to turn a male on. he is in the panhandle of texas so he sees a lot of the different role play of male/female compared to how i am and how father and i have our relationship. it truly goes beyond the experience of porn. it is the sons experience with example in family.

[BuyingThyme]

183. Pretty cool.

:)

[DuaneBidoux]

169. It depends on the teenager, his own sexuality, and how he uses it.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with porn. But that is just my opinion. I think where the teenager is in his own sexual development and how he uses the sites counts for a lot.

Like many other things that can be abused I think it is important to look at how the kid is doing it. Is his life balanced and does he seem healthy in his life generally? Is it just one of many activities in his life or are things becoming unbalanced with porn beginning to occupy a significant amount of his personal resources and time. Is he fairly comfortable with his own sexuality and is it non violent in development? What kind of sites? Personally I am uncomfortable with sites that truly degrade women, but there are those that treat the partners equally and really show an erotic characteristic.

By the same token, I think you would be negligent if you did not investigate more throughly and perhaps block some or all, and make sure you know exactly what is going on. If you know your kid sneaks a drink from time to time, vs. drinking regularly I think is a very useful comparison.

Don't make too big a deal out of it in any case. One time I caught my four year old boy playing doctor with his five year old neighbor friend (a little girl). I broke it up nicely, told him we don't do things like that and never mentioned it again(while keeping a closer eye on his behavior).

[donsu]

170. monitor the pc and talk to him

tell him he can do what he wants after the age of 18 but for now - no porno

let him know how disappointed you are in him

point out the many negatives of porno

point out that porno is being pushed by the porno industry in order to make more bucks and it's not a fad he should join

sex isn't a spectator sport. (except for the sexually impaired)

[Warren DeMontague]

220. how "disappointed you are in him"????? Good grief.

You must not have known many teenage boys. Pretty much EVERY SINGLE ONE of the heterosexual ones has looked at pictures of naked women while masturbating at one time or another. The gay ones look at naked men.

Sure, go ahead and lay a totally unnecessary guilt trip on top of this. Encourage lying and sneaking, which is what INEVITABLY will happen. If, by some miracle, she's able to scour every erotic naked female from the kid's available area, he'll steal the underwear ads from the Sunday paper and beat off to those.

"disappointed" for a wholly natural function and desire? Gimme a break. :eyes:

[donsu]

227. I raised two boys - there is nothing wrong with telling your own child that

you are disappointed in them. and giving the reasons for the disappointment.

boys don't need a 'visual' to 'beat off' to. they can masterbate to their own feelings.

many perverted sexual habits are learned from porno and the media.

(are there sexual ethics?)

[Warren DeMontague]

230. Well, I'm telling you that this sort of thing didn't start with the internet.

You can believe what you want, but I'd suspect that when all was said and done, your kids found erotica behind your back.

And I don't think looking at pictures naked women- or men, if that's what one likes- for purposes of sexual arousal is "unethical". I think it's perfectly normal.

What's not normal is laying a guilt trip on a kid for their sexuality.

[zappa_parappa]

179. I'd respond to your post...

but I'm too busy looking at porn.

And its good.

[ChenZhen]

181. Send them to Haggard's therapists.

:)

[donsu]

182. lol

nt

[Marr]

185. Make them eat Corn Flakes.

Or is it outmeal... I forget. Saved my life, brother.

[Zodiak]

193. I had an abusive father

who beat the crap out of me for taking a girl home with me when I was in first grade.

When I was 9, he beat the crap out of me for kissing a girl.

I never discussed sex or sexual issues with him ....... EVER!! He made me feel guilty about sex. I developed normally, but hid everything from everyone else...and still hide my sexuality for the most part.

I'm 35 with a loving wife, now. I have tastes, sure, but they are terribly suppressed because of my conditioning. Thank God my wife is a wondeful woman whom I cannot help but to trust, but I know the shame I was made to feel regarding sex has made things unpleasant for me.

Do not do this to your kid. It seems that you aren't, but I wanted to drill that in. Looking at porn is normal, but feeling that you are the lowest of the lows for doing it is not. Also, kids nowadays are going to be exposed to so much more than we were....and you cannot stop it. I'm sure they trade pictures and whatnot back and forth as we did Playboys back in the day and have already integrated the aviliability into their teenage culture.

....And nothing I have ever seen on the internet can compare with the "Plato's II" Beta-Max I found in my dad's closet. Now THAT was disgusting!! 70's porn was...hairy!!

[onenote]

197. buy him a box of kleenex and make him do his own laundry.

and tell him that if the computer gets screwed by a virus or other crap or spyware etc, he has to pay for a new computer.

[cool user name]

206. Taser him in the genitals and then ...

... make him beg God for forgivness.

:sarcasm:

Seriously, this is natural stuff for young boys. Let him know that you found out and ask him if he has any questions to ask you.

The more he considers you a friend and not the enemy, the better. This is speaking from experience. I was a horny bastard (still am) and my parents saw all of my Penthouse and other assorted mags. They didn't really engage in conversation about it but at least they weren't down my throat about it either.

You have a golden opportunity here. Don't waste it.

[ecstatic]

208. you can't just ignore it, as it could become an obsession--leading to pedophilia or worse

People may never know what's lurking beneath them until a weird pop up appears, enticing them to ____________ (fill in the blank, could be anything). I'd say just put some sort of server in the home that blocks X-rated sites. Idle hands lead to trouble.

[eyesroll]

231. A 16-year-old boy looking at adult porn can become a pedophile as a result?

This is news.

[Xithras]

209. Actually, I'd say that depends on YOU.

I feel that porn is perfectly acceptable, but it's important that younger boys realize that the images seen in porn photos and videos don't reflect the reality of sex. Just as girls can become obsessed with being thin to look like supermodels, boys can become obsessed with the 10" penises in the magazines and begin to see themselves as inadequate. They can also get ideas about what sex should actually be like, or how women view sex, that don't jive all that well with reality. Just like Jack Bower isn't a real DHS agent, and House isn't a real doctor, porn isn't real sex. Make sure he understands that, like those two examples, porn is a media creation intended to present sex as something "more" than what it really is.

Another thing you need to discuss with him is the age of the girls he's looking at. It's tragically easy to find photos of underage girls online, and there have already been cases of underage boys being imprisoned for pedophilia...for looking at photos of underage girls their own age. If he is looking at porn, he needs to make sure he's looking at older women. He may think it's stupid, but the law says that teens cannot look at nude pictures of teens, and that doing so is a felony. There was a boy in Arizona (if I remember correctly) who did just that, and was sentenced to prison and a lifetime designation as a sex offender. It's not something to mess around with.

Why does this depend on you? Because you need to be able to present him with that information in a straightforward, honest, and open way. If you cannot do that, you're better off just cutting and/or monitoring his Internet access to prevent him from looking at any more. He needs to understand what he's looking at and the potential implications. If you can't offer him guidance on the subject, for whatever reason, he will be better off not looking at it at all. If you CAN offer him guidance, not only will he have a healthier attitude about sex, but it will probably strengthen your relationship with him (a kid who can talk to his parent about porn sites will be more open to talking about other potentially controversial issues).

[TheBaldyMan]

210. tease them mercilessly about it for the rest of their life n/t

[slackmaster]

211. Bwwwww wwAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA-Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

His mom should bring it up every Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, Bar Mitzvah, graduation, whatever.

And at his bride's Bachelorette Party, along with his most embarassing baby pics!

[TheBaldyMan]

214. sounds like we are members of the same family

[slackmaster]

217. Izzat you bro? I thought you were on your way to Norfolk, VA.

Whassup?

BTW Mom's up on the roof and won't come down.

[slackmaster]

212. Why does this thread have no SPANKING option?

:nuke:

[seemunkee]

215. Install blocking software and say nothing.

He or she will find a way around it but they'll know you're aware of it.

[hippiechick]

216. Tell him only losers who can't get laid in real life use net porn

:rofl:

[Crandor]

221. because underage sex is so much better?? nt

[hippiechick]

223. You've got to be kidding me ...

... you're taking this thread seriously?

C'mon. Get over yourself. :eyes:

[B Calm]

218. Viruses will ruin his hard drive & you won't have to worry anymore.

[RB TexLa]

228. Nothing. Since I am childfree it couldn't be any of my business

I guess some teenager could revel to me that they have viewed pornography on their computer. I can't think of any reason one would make such a revelation to me. So I guess tell them that it's none of my business. Another benefit to being childfree.

[Little Wing]

232. Leave a box of tissues by the keyboard

[manic expression]

233. Nothing wrong with it

Let him/her wack off.

[Coexist]

239. I have encountered this with my own teenage son...

first we did have a looooong discussion with him.

My main concern was being clear that porn was 'fantasy' and most average women don't look like that or act like that. It was a 'daydream' scenario where the women were paid to act like a man's fantasy, and the women he will likely encounter in his life will exist for their own pleasure, not just his - and they won't have perfect bodies, but their bodies will work perfectly when it comes to sex - even without surgical enhancement, and even if they are above a size 2.

I explained about how sex can be an act of love, a recreational activity or a combination of both, and he needs to recognize and separate one from the other. And that the woman should always be as willing as he was in any sexual scenario.

We installed parental controls and let him know that we check his History (and that of my teenage daughter's) for its adult content.

My husband explained that men look at porn a LOT but that it is just a passing thing, not to get too involved in it - that it was much more satisfying to just kiss a girl goodnight on a real date than to jerk off to Miss DD all night.

When we caught him later going to a more hardcore site (he had just checked out playboy.com the first time) we put a password on the computer so I have to let him on whenever he uses it. Just the fact that Mom is in the room each time he goes on probably dampens his libido! I don't mind naked women, I don't feel comfortable with him checking out full penetration and oral sex just yet.

(edited to add: he was VERY embarassed at first, and we did not let him avoid us. We told him that sex was normal, his interest in naked women was normal, and if he was mature enough to look at porn, he was mature enough to discuss it with us. If he could not talk about it, he should not be indulging in it. After about 15 minutes of red face and tears, we began the real dialogue - he could even look my straight in the eye during the talk. We worked hard to remove the shameful aspect of it.)

[breakaleg]

241. That last bit was great. I couldn't agree more.

If anyone is going to look at porn, then they had better be mature enough to discuss it. Embarrassment be damned!