Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup

[seemslikeadream]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/minimum_wage_hike_celebrated_with

WASHINGTON, DC—Two weeks after the hourly federal minimum wage was raised from $5.15 to $5.85, families across the country were still celebrating the historic increase by running their electric fans, buying coveted half-gallons of milk, and, like Charice Williams of Shreveport, LA, purchasing name-brand ketchup to share with loved ones.

"I can't remember the last time I could afford Hunt's," said the 41-year-old mother of six, who for more than a decade has purchased ValuTime ketchup to garnish everything from Hamburger Helper to Tuna Helper. "Another couple dozen wage increases like this, and we'll be practically swimming in Heinz. Or at least my grandchildren will."

Whether buying national-brand condiments, allowing themselves two additional squares of toilet paper, or paying for a few more minutes of drying time at the laundromat, the estimated 13 million Americans who subsist on minimum wages are getting a taste of the good life. Jaime Santiago of Las Cruces, NM was working a double shift at a 24-hour car wash Tuesday night, but still managed to celebrate by calling home collect during his break—and, for the first time in years, his wife was able to accept the charges.


If this Sarasota, FL woman works 60 hours a week, she could be looking at a five-digit gross income by year's end.
"I told her I had a surprise for the family when I got home, and I wasn't kidding: chewable vitamins for the kids," said Santiago, 29. "On Sunday, I'm going to surprise them again with a nice bus ride out to Wal-Mart to walk around a little. Then I'm going to pull back for a while. Indulgences like these are all the more special when they're just occasional."

[Captain Angry]

1. It sucks when you can't tell something is from the Onion.

I looked three times while I read it, just to make sure I read your link properly.

[seemslikeadream]

2. 70 cents closer to the American dream

"Today, the nation's working poor are 70 cents closer to the American dream," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said at a Capitol press conference. "And don't forget the economic stimulus this wage increase will provide— already we hear that discount stores nationwide are selling out their stocks of flip-flops and the stiffer kind of paper plates."

Yet Pelosi urged minimum-wage earners to be cautious in spending their windfall, as a raise of this magnitude only comes "once in a lifetime."

[Captain Angry]

3. There are whole generations of people being raised with no idea of what poor people are.

Whole generations of people who have been treated since birth, as if they were above other people.

There have always been social classes, in all societies. But the scale of the classes here in the US have never been so great.

More millionaires than ever. More people working two or three jobs than ever.

There are literally millions of people in this country that have no concept of what minimum wage is, what it is like to choose between milk and bread, since you can't buy both this month...

Yet, many of those people will look down on this minimum wage increase as being some sort of social welfare that they shouldn't have to pay.

[On the Road]

4. That is the Only Time

I have ever been fooled by an Onion article. It's barely even satire.

[Stardust]

5. I became suspicious when they used Hunts ketchup as a luxury...

They sell it at our 99cent stores. But after re-reading it, it does have that kind of Onion-y shallowness in its man-on-the-street interviews.