***DUzy Awards for week ending February 9, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring withering witticisms, wild wackiness and wondrous one-liners from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

And the DUzies send a big "Happy birthday!" to NanceGreggs.

Feel free to add your own choices. The haute-groovy DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

Due to, er, technical difficulties, this was missed in last week's awards. To paraphrase the Dictator-Tot: "Where mistakes have been made, I take full responsibility. Just try proving it in court, plebs."

OP by The Straight Story:

      Obama told me he was at Edward's huge house getting cleaned up and saw a lite bright
It was taped to the side of the TV as he was watching Hillary talk about stopping the evil men. He didn't notice at first as he was reading an article by Leopold - but he had to stop reading when Mrs. Edwards took out his light bulb to replace it.

Suddenly Biden walked out of the kitchen and bumped into the tv knocking over the lite bright which had been taped to the side it, he could not see because as he was preparing to make something he got egg on his face.

Dennis Kucinich ran in to help out and everyone looked at him and said 'Who are you?'

As they all stood there nader walked in with a box of earth friendly light bulbs - "I am almost done Mrs. E, can I join you all for dinner?"

"NO" they all shouted, you gave us bush and got the environment so screwn you will be replacing bulbs for years.


....yeah I was bored.

response #8 by Withywindle:

      And then they all went to the Olive Garden...
...where there were lots of women breastfeeding and Biden and Mrs. Edwards had a big argument about it, while Obama just rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette.

GD, February 1, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x104402

On a thread by eppur_se_muova:

      Iran hosts tour of nuclear plant (BBC)

response #1 by IanDB1:

      What they don't tell you about these tours of the nuclear plant
1) You have to pay an extra ten dollars to see the IMAX movie, which is really nothing more than a fifteen-minute commercial.

2) The parking lot is over a mile away and the trams only run every half hour.

3) The tour guide only speaks Farsi, and if you want to use the self-guided tour in English, you have to pay ten dollars to rent the recording, plus you need to give them a fifty dollar security deposit.

4) The prices in the snackbar are outrageous-- fifteen dollars for a frozen Pizza Hut mini-pizza?

response #2 by magellan:

      $15 is an awful lot
But they do nuke it for you.... :D

LBN, February 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2714892

On a thread by ck4829:

      A 'christian' Rightist calls for the imprisonment of Adulterers, Republicans quietly walk away

response #1 by aquart:

      Man, he must have stock in those privatized prisons.

response #2 by LibDemAlways:

      Has Pastor Parsley paused to consider that the
prisons currently in existence couldn't possibly begin to accommodate all the "felons" guilty of adultery?

"What are you in for?"

"Did it with a neighbor while the wife was away. With any luck I'll be out in 20 years."

"You got off easy. I got drunk in Vegas and did it with a hooker. TSA found her number in my suitcase. Life sentence. No parole."

You can't make up shit this ridiculous.

response #4 by LonelyLRLiberal:

      That'd get a bunch of "Christian" RWers off the streets. eom

response #27 by ima_sinnic:

      Dear God: For the furtherance of yr Holy Word, please PLEASE
make me a gazillionaire so I can buy up a large piece of real estate (say, half the state of Nevada) and deed it over to one of your worthy servants such as His Most Holy TV Rev. Parsley, as the site of the most grand "christian community" the world has ever seen! Please, God, I won't let on that you are a mythological being who could give a rat's @$$ who anybody has sex with--seeing as how you raped Mary and all--just please endow Congress with the wisdom to approve that site to secede from the rest of the U.S., the money (lots of it) to reimburse the people who already live there who will want to flee, and about 5,000 miles of razor-wire fencing to keep them in their own country once it is all set up.

Please, just this ONE little favor? Since you created the world and everything in it in only 6 days, 6,000 years ago, I know this will be nothing for you. I apologize for the time I called Jim and Tammy Faye and some of your other servants "cretins," "clowns," "hucksters," and "fucking trailer-trash carny snakeoil salesmen"--I really didn't mean it, honest!

And just think how much easier it would be for you, God, if all your followers were in one secure compound! That way, when you rain down your wrath on the rest of us--and I admit, I will be among those most smitten, for my lack of respect and days of fornication and reading books like Harry Potter and Catcher in the Rye--anyway, you will be able to have them all in one place, nice and easy to call them up to You in one big airlift -- well, anyway, I don't usually do this, so I'm kind of stammering here -- just this one little thing -- PLEASE!!!

GD, February 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x120103

On a thread by NNN0LHI:

      Show a little gratitude, Iraqis

response #1 by KoKo01:

      Absolutely! How CAN those UNGRATEFUL IRAQI's keep Blowing Themselves UP
when We've Killed their Dictator and given them an OPEN DOOR TO THEIR FREEDOM FROM OPPRESSION.

I agree! My patience has run OUT! Why the Fuck don't we just NUKE them back into the Stone Age where they CAME FROM! And while we're at it LET'S TAKE OUT IRANS NUKES!

Nothing will make AMERICA MORE SAFE than TAKING ALL THESE SUCKERS OUT! And ...the SOONER THE BETTER!

HEY Y'all! :sarcasm:

GD, February 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x119747

OP by originalpckelly:

      What should we call last week's terror scare in Boston?
Boston Pee Party? Boston Mass-panic-attack? The Boston Sign Trials?

response #3 by marmar:

      Fright Brite
:scared:

response #11 by billybob537:

      TOOOOO EEEEZZZYYY
"A TEMPEST IN A BEAN POT"

response #12 by Algorem:

      Boston Marketeering Beantown Bombscare Fiestapalooza

response #15 by Kurovski:

      Manufactured Media Whore-Err.

GD, February 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x116263

OP by Aviation Pro:

      Can you imagine what the tapes sound like from the Oval Office
BOLTEN: Mr. President, we have to accept the fact that McConnell can't muster the votes to filibuster the resolution.

VPOTUS: (Expletive deleted) 'em. We can goddamn do what we feel like doing.

SECSTATE: The situation continues to deteriorate, Dick. I can't continue this scheme, it's gone beyond the tipping point.

VPOTUS: Look, Condi, I don't think you understand the magnitude of what we're doing, and....

SECSTATE: Mr. President, this is madness. Listening to Dick is like reading a very bad primer about Vietnam. The military situation has deteriorated to the point....

VPOTUS: Condi, shut the (expletive deleted) up. We'll let you know when we want your wrong opinion.

BOLTEN: Mr. President, you have to come to the table with Congress. Conyers is getting ready to blow the whole thing apart and I don't think the VP fully understands how vulnerable he is at this point.

VPOTUS: (Expletive deleted) you, Bolten, you little pup, why do you think I've dismissed the Secret Service and replaced them with our friends from North Carolina? Trust me, those little pissants are scared to death.

POTUS: COWARDS, (Expletive deleted) COWARDS! (Expletive deleted) THEM ALL! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE THE COUNTRY! ME, NOBODY ELSE!

.....to be continued.

response #6 by Jim Warren:

      I'm having trouble making them out
The Gilligan's Island theme music from the reruns is drowning out the voice.

response #15 by Virginia Dare:

      Not to mention the hum of the shredding machines...n/t

response #17 by Beelzebud:

      You forgot to notate the cocaine snorting between sentences.

response #20 by SoCalDem:

      c'mon Condi...Pull my finger
hehhehhehheheh

response #22 by Aviation Pro:

      Part 2....
DR TUBBS: There, Mr. President, that should bring you down. Thank you Mr. Bolten for the call.

BOLTEN: You're welcome Colonel, things got a little testy here.

VPOTUS: (Unintelligable)

VPOTUS: Get that (expletive deleted) Snow in here and if he starts whining again....

BOLTEN: He's under enormous pressure Mr. Vice President. The press is eating him alive. Have you seen the daily recap from Froomkin's blog lately? It reads like dark comedy and his statements may put us on shaky legal grounds.

VPOTUS: How many (expletive deleted) times do I have to explain this to you? The press doesn't matter. I served up Scooter to them as a diversion and that little (expletive) knows that if he sings his whole family will become rumour.

POTUS: (Unitelligable)

BOLTEN: I spoke to Gonzales....

VPOTUS: (Expletive deleted) that lispy, little (characterization). Leave him out of the loop and just let him write some more tortuous language to delay the Democrats. Now get Snow in here.

SNOW: Mr. President.....

VPOTUS: Over here Tony, the President is resting.

SNOW: I can't fend off these jackals, they're ripping me a new (anatomical reference) everyday and I just come off sounding like an idiot.

VPOTUS: Now you look here, you little (anatomical reference), we specifically brought you in here because you're supposed to have some kind of credibility with these mother(expletive deleted). Now go do your (expletive deleted) job or maybe those pictures will surface.

POTUS: Is it time for my bike ride yet?

BOLTEN: Yes, Mr. President, everyone is prepositioned in Beltsville. Enjoy your ride.

GD, February 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x116253

On a thread by orleans:

      I Didn't Know Obama Smoked....Does He?

response #8 by NanceGreggs:

      Yuppers, he smokes ...
... if we find out he lives in a big house, he's politically doomed.

response #32 by Rosemary2205:

      Ya and he snuffs his butts on the heads of white babies.
I can see the primaries are going to be a riot here on DU........

GD, February 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x115527

OP by slowry:

      DU forums make my computer emit...
... a strange high-pitched tone; no joke. When I'm viewing any of the forums at their root level (General, LBN, Videos, etc.) my computer starts making a quiet, but high-pitched, whistling, vibrato-y hum. If I click on a thread the sound stops. If I go back to the forum itself: "ssssssssssssssss"!

It's distracting and ultimately kinda bizarre :wtf:.

Not my speakers btw... it's the tower itself, or something inside.

Anyone know what in the world could cause that?!

response #1 by krispos42:

      Why, no, not at all...
And could you please speak into your "Alt" key when you mumble to yourself?

Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
National Security Agency Dell Support

response #9 by krispos42:

      Update
The left 'Alt' key, if you please. The right one contains the FBI's fingerprint scanner.

Thanks for understanding...

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, February 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x126459

OP by flvegan:

      You JUST WAIT 'til I'm a Moderator
Yeah...think about it. Take it in. It's a good thing I don't have opinions on stuff. Here's the platform I'm running on:

1. Picture threads lacking cleavage, legs, or a shirtless billyskank, ThomCat, bobweaver or MadAsHellNewYorker are locked;
2. All your pending baseball threads are belong to us;
3. If you even hint at eating some sort of critter, I'm not only locking it, but I'm hacking into your profile and changing your sigline to "I just had Hillary and Lieberman in a three-way and videotaped it."
4. As we head into the seal clubbing and whaling season, if I even SMELL Canadian or Japanese support of same on you, YOU'RE ON NOTICE!
5. If you fuck with gay rights, or otherwise suggest any form of homophobia, it's over. I've stolen the "nuke" button from the Admin. It was easy, having seen "XXX" many times.
6. Kucinich. It's him or Bobby Jr. Censorship is my checkmate, and I'm executing it with ease.
7. Lastly, don't fuck with the other Mods. It's a thankless job that deserves a whole lot of respect (which I think I violate regularly).

Oh, and GoPsUx and RetroLounge get free passes to do whatever they want. High-five, naughty boys.

The Lounge, February 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6150268

On a thread by Lefty48197:

      It's Ronald Reagan's birthday. How shall we celebrate?

response #5 by Idealist Hippie:

      I'm celebrating with Ronald Reagan Veggie Tacos for supper.....
little sploops of ketchup rolled up in circles of old newspaper.

GDP, February 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3099006

On a thread by usregimechange:

      CNN: Ancient boy's skeleton sparks evolution debate
"I did not evolve from Turkana Boy or anything like it," says Bishop Boniface Adoyo, head of Kenya's 35 evangelical denominations, which he claims have 10 million followers. "These sorts of silly views are killing our faith."

response #21 by originalpckelly:

      Hey Bishop, that's not the only thing killing the faith, the big man has bad customer service...
First of all, whenever I call for room service, he never sends me any food. I specifically asked for fried manna, and I haven't seen any yet.

Secondly, his customer service line only picks up half the time, and then I have to get down on my knees to beg for service. This is no way to run a universe.

Not only that, but I've never even seen the guy, not even once. You'd think the owner would pop in on the business every once and a while, but nope, not him. The best he could do was send his long-haired hippie stoner son, and that guy, well we won't even go there.

I'm telling you right now, God better get out of the universe business. Either that, or the investors should fire him and bring in new management.

GD, February 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x145167

On a thread by northernsoul:

      What's with all the nit-picking lately?

response #2 by The Straight Story:

      When you learn how to type get back with me
:rofl:

Just kidding!

response #4 by mikeytherat:

      "Nitpicking" is one word.
Not to be overly critical, or anything.

:hide:

response #13 by iverglas:

      is not
Oxford Concise:

nit-picking fault-finding in a petty manner

Now you're probably going to tell me that fault-finding is one word ... ethnocentric xenophobe ...

response #6 by Prisoner_Number_Six:

      It's simply nit season.
They're ripe, and for some reason the illegals don't want to pick them, so the DUers have taken over the job.

I hear there will be a record harvest this year. I hope the DU nit pickers are offered enough pay to finish the job! Last year they weren't paid nearly enough, and over sixty percent of the nits ended up rotting on the vine.

response #15 by wryter2000:

      Won't someone PLEASE think of the nits?
Rotting on the vines. What a tragedy. Those nits could have fed the homeless.

response #25 by northernsoul:

      mmmmm, nitlicious!
Update: apparently "nitlicious" is supposed to be spelled "nit-licious."

Special thanks to Robbien for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, February 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x150614

On a thread by rodeodance:

      Sen. Inhofe now "if we don't fight them in Iraq, then we will fight them in the

response #3 by Old Crusoe:

      Senator Inhofe speaks for me. Not two days ago I was in Burger King,
and I glanced around the tables and there were 4 al Qaeda members on the far side, all of them wolfing Whoppers and fries.

Run for your lives, everyone! The terrorists have infiltrated our every venue!

Thank Jesus Senator Inhofe has the temerity and wherewithal to warn us!

response #39 by gizmonic:

      Came for our delicious Freedom Fries (TM) & Cheesesteaks
Damn you, Al Qaeda!

:)

GD, February 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x148638

On a thread by keepCAblue:

      U.S. Finds No Evidence of Abuse at Guantanamo

response #13 by Jack Rabbit:

      News Flash: February 15, 1929
From the Jack Rabbit News Service
Dated Thursday, February 15, 1929

Al Capone finds No Evidence of Massacre in Clark Street Garage
By Jack Rabbit

Chicago -- South Side businessman Al Capone said he has personally investigated the incident yesterday in the garage at 2122 N. Clark Street in the Lincoln Park neighborhood in the North Side and finds that there is no evidence of a massacre.

Mr. Capone cites the statement of Mr. Frank Gusenberg, who told police "nobody shot me." A short time later, Gusenberg died from a sudden case of lead poisoning and .45 caliber hemorrhaging apparently caused by projectiles flying from a Thompson machine gun. Six other men were already dead at the scene with similar symptoms when police arrived at the garage yesterday afternoon.

Special thanks to femmedem for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

LBN, February 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2721182

On a thread by originalpckelly:

      That little twerp McHenry is such a fucker!

response #8 by Tandalayo_Scheisskopf:

      One gets the feeling...
That Rep. McHenry's hobby is waiting for his testicles to drop.

Special thanks to wryter2000 for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, February 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x157403

On a thread by Omaha Steve:

      Romney to announce presidential bid

response #7 by youngdem:

      Bush really has publicly instilled the idea that ANYONE can be President, hasn't he? n/t

response #11 by Telly Savalas:

      Miiiitttt.
The Mittster.

Mitt-o-rooni.

The MittMeister.

The Mitt-o-nater.

Mitt-o-rama.

Miiitttt.

LBN, February 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2722480

On a thread by sabra:

      Al Qaeda plans "major operations" in the Gulf

response #17 by Frank Cannon:

      BREAKING: WH Releases Photo of Al Qaeda Navy Leaders
On the left, the treacherous Admiral Abdul "Skipper" al-Masahassan; on the right, his dangerous second-in-command Mustafa Abuhari al-Gilligan.

LBN, February 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2722445

On a thread by Virginia Dare:

      Has anybody seen the homophobic frosted mini wheats ad?

response #24 by Little Wing:

      I think calling them "mini" wheats demeans little people
They should be little wheats

GD, February 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x165891

On a thread by underpants:

      Some people say that Pelosi's plane could have saved Terri Schiavo's life

response #1 by SpiralHawk:

      Some say if Bush hadn't gone AWOL, we would have won in Vietnam
But then again, there are those who dispute whether he went AWOL, and claim he actually deserted his unit of the Texas Air National Guard.

Who ya gonna believe?

response #3 by underpants:

      Hold it right there pardner
Did you see "Charlie" in Houston??.... well did you???

That's what I thought. You can't argue with results!

response #6 by Sentinel Chicken:

      Charlie don't drink tequila or snort coke.
:smoke:

GDP, February 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3103135

On a thread by cynatnite:

      Why is Ariel Sharon being kept alive?

response #5 by d_b:

      His Doctor is Bill Frist?

GD, February 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x167962

[Little Wing]

1. kick

[JeffR]

10. little wheats

:rofl:

[NanceGreggs]

2. The PERFECT BD gift!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The best comedy writers in the world can't even hold a candle to some of our DUers!!!

[JeffR]

7. When you see the lousy presents I got you

well, a DUzy may be some small consolation...:eyes:

[Blue_In_AK]

3. Gotta love the DUzies...

Thanks, JeffR. Things get a little tense around here sometimes, so it's good to stop and share a laugh. :thumbsup:

[JeffR]

8. Remarkably, that tension even surfaced in some funny threads

about Haggard and the nutty astronaut, so I ended up not using those. A shame, really.

[saltpoint]

4. Thanks, JeffR, for the extra steps.

And a great weekend to ya, too.

[JeffR]

9. And to you, OC

Thanks for consistently providing not only wisdom, but wit.
:toast:

[wryter2000]

5. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille

A post I nominated and one I wrote. Oh, frabjous day!

[SoCalDem]

12. Callooh, Callay

:)

[JeffR]

13. The camera loves you, wryter2000

;-)

[wryter2000]

33. I wish we'd had the valentine's fundraiser this year

I'd sure give you one. :thumbsup:

[JeffR]

37. Aw

:pals:

[jeff30997]

6. What a great idea!

Thanks a million, dude!

[JeffR]

14. Thank you, Jeff!

:)

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

11. Once again Jeff you have me literally

:rofl: on a Friday afternoon. Thanks so much for doing this. The DUzy's are priceless....

[JeffR]

15. Thanx!

:hi:

[badgerpup]

16. Kickin' it up the charts...

K & R


It is my fondest ambition to be clever and witty enough to make it into the DUzys.
:rofl:




:kick:

[JeffR]

18. Speilberg was shut out at the Oscars for years

You're widely considered a favorite for next week based on several posts you haven't even made yet.B-)

[badgerpup]

34. ....

:spray:

Wow! That means I really AM a success that hasn't occurred yet! :silly:

:yourock:

[The Straight Story]

17. Wow, my first DUzy "You like me, you really like me,"

"You like me, you really like me," trilled Sally Field The Straight Story in 1985 2007

[JeffR]

20. Can't believe it took me so long to come across that thread

At the DUzies, 90% of technical difficulties are half-mental.:silly:

[The Straight Story]

22. hmmm can you win a DUzy on a DUzy thread??

The mind swirls with the implications.

[JeffR]

23. That's a pretty postmodern concept

It could do weird things to the space-time continuum.

[The Straight Story]

26. I think I will borrow your photo there and make some adjustments

replace the banjo with a weenie and give him some blond hair. My nightmares have been going downhill, they need a boost :)

[Miss Chybil]

19. Is nitpicking really one word?

God, I learn so much on DU!

Thanks for the thread, it's a hoot!

[flvegan]

21. *I* got a DUzy?

Wow. That's just...crazy.

[JeffR]

25. And some posters in the Lounge aren't going to be too happy about it

Be careful over there.

[sniffa]

24. i'm happy one of the beLittLing DUers

made the List. :bounce:

[New Earth]

27. you forgot this one!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x164166

just the title itself is worthy :rofl:

[JeffR]

28. Darn, that was going to be Thread Title of the week

and I ended up deleting the bookmark.
:banghead:

[krispos42]

30. **Sigh** I hate it when that happens... n/t

[Kurovski]

29. K&R.

Hey, that Kurovski guy is kinda funny.

[JeffR]

36. Darn funny, I think

:headbang:

[Kurovski]

40. ...and handsome, too.

Thanks, JeffR.:-)

[krispos42]

31. So, wait a minute... I've won a DUzy because of my responses?

Am I reading this correctly? Or did the thread creator get it?

[JeffR]

35. It's yours

If this were hockey, slowry gets an assist for setting up such a killer remark (or 2). But the goal is yours.

(I may need to rethink my formatting a little...):dilemma:

[krispos42]

41. Thanks! :-)

:toast:

[newyawker99]

32. kick

:kick:

[madokie]

38. What a hoot

haven't laughed so hard in a while.
Actually look forward to reading DUzy's picks

[Just-plain-Kathy]

39. $15 is an awful lot...But they do nuke it for you....priceless!

...funny stuff...thanks!! :)