This Is SO Wrong - but funny, or maybe not, maybe its disrespectful, but Oh Well, I share anyway...

[kpete]

THE ONION

I Got What America Needs Right Here

By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 | Issue 44•02


Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

....................

You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.


more fun (I guess) at:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_got_what_america_needs_right?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

[Bonobo]

1. Deliciously funny. I always liked Jimmy's style!

[madeline_con]

2. I guess the author was trying to be funny?

And failing miserably, I might add.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. hmmmm....

wicked funny comes to mind.

[otherlander]

4. "You got a global warming problem?

Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich."

:rofl:

The thing is, if he actually talked like that instead of being all polite, he'd probably get more respect than he does now. America loves obnoxious people who curse a lot. :(

[Land Shark]

5. Because we're not SUPPOSED to elect a DICTATOR, the Onion's RIGHT ON

because we need to do much more than elect a prez. There ain't nobody that can waive a magic wand... and if there were, this fer sure ain't no democracy.

But this thread may get locked by immoderators because it seems to be dissing all candidates for Prez including Dem candidates.

[Whisp]

6. blasfunny! nt

[Viva_La_Revolution]

8. That's the word I was looking for!

trying not to laugh, Jimmy would never speak like that... but.. :rofl:

[Whisp]

9. I love wierd made up words.

I was thinking I should do the accent on sound thing, tickled you understood it.

[Hissyspit]

12. Portmanteau word

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portmanteau_word

A portmanteau (IPA: /pɔrtˈmæntoʊ/), plural portmanteaux, is a word or morpheme that fuses two or more words or word parts to give a combined or loaded meaning. A folk usage of portmanteau refers to a word formed by combining both sounds and meanings from two or more words (e.g., spork from spoon and fork, animatronics from animated and electronics, guesstimate from guess and estimate, wikipedia from wiki and encyclopedia, or ginormous from gigantic and enormous). Typically, portmanteaux are nonce words or neologisms. Portmanteaux are commonly used in science fiction for a wide variety of technical words, such as cyborg from cybernetic and organism.

Punny.

[Ignis]

30. Awesome word! I steal it now!

*puts "blasfunny" in his pocket and runs away, giggling*

:hi:

[Mojambo]

7. DAMN Funny. n/t

[ClayZ]

10. Bwahahahhahahha!

I am sorry Jimmy Carther but ... :rofl:



K and R

[FloridaJudy]

11. Oh my goodness

:spray: :rofl:

Jimmy Carter may not talk like that, but everything in that article is dead accurate.

Gotta love the man.

[Der Blaue Engel]

13. I might think this was funny if it used less homophobic slurs

Yes, I get the Onion. No, I am not humorless. But I don't think those were necessary for this satire to be effective.

[Kurovski]

14. I applaud your courage.

:rofl: Next time don't be so shy.

"These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right?"

Word, Pea-Daddy.

[Kurovski]

15. Looking at that picture of his gentle face,

next to those vile words. :rofl: It's bookmarked.

I guess Jimmy is mad as hell, and he's not taking it any more.

"You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia."

[piesRsquare]

16. OMG, I am DYING over here!

Of laughter, that is!

This is so fucking funny! I love it!

I really, really needed a good laugh, too--thanks so much for the post, kpete!

:rofl:

[WilliamPitt]

17. I just peed a little.

Hoo.

Great stuff.

:toast:

[Rosemary2205]

42. me too.

LOL :)

[Diclotican]

18. kpete

kpete



Are this writing from Jimmy Carter??? I have always have the expression that Carter was a rather decent, and good writer who seldom use profanity to express what he meant


Diclotican

Sorry my bad English, not my native language

[Kurovski]

19. The Onion is a satirical newspaper.

It's a joke.

President Carter never, ever uses profanity. That's part of the joke.

[Diclotican]

26. Kurovski

Kurovski

I se, I don't se the humor I am afraid... But if Mr Carter was to go out on the deep end sometimes, he may do something like this?

Diclotican

Sorry my bad English, not my native language

[bleever]

27. Jimmy Carter would never, ever talk like this,

so part of the humor is imagining that he is so mad at how bad things are that he would explode and say all these true things with no filter.

Maybe it's a strange kind of American humor, but I do find it funny.

[Diclotican]

36. Maybe It is just who doesn't understand it..

bleever

Well, then I may understand it;).. A kinder man then mr Carter I have never known.. So I just wondered what can do he so angry that he use this type of words.. But after George everyone in the world, even they who are very decent, may use some ugly word to describe the world US are into now...

If a man like Carter are blowing his head.. Then US are in some bad water.. And we don't know what word Mr Carter are using when he is home with his wife and try to describe what he is feeling for mr Bush and the policy he had using to screw US... And the rest of the world... He may even use some word who are not in a dictionary? After all, he _IS_ just human..

Diclotican

Sorry my bad English, not my native language

ps are mutch better into engelish humor than american humor;)

[harmonicon]

20. hey, I posted this yesterday and not a single comment!

today it's big news..... I'm so ahead of the curve. I am so fucking awesome.

It's funny, because it's true. Shit, I'd vote Carter. I honestly wanted him to run last time.

[Kurovski]

21. You are awesome!

"See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack."

[harmonicon]

22. Thanks, Dude!

It's the smoking, right? I knew that smoking would make me look older, cool and more attractive.

[Kurovski]

32. No. Smoking makes us all look like 60 year-old drunken carnies.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[harmonicon]

33. not at all

I think I was 24 or 25 when I started dating my girlfriend (which was only a few years ago), and even then she said I was a 64 year old man at heart (a stubborn slow moving grump). I just say that my present life-style is an attempt to be the same outside as I am inside - that is, a dirty old man.

[Schema Thing]

23. so wrong. But SO right!

thanks, that is beautiful.

[blondeatlast]

24. Funny--and damn true. JC was my precious first vote and campaign and I treasure it.

Not only that, I met him and was invited to his inaugural.

Personally, I love this--and it's no disservice to Carter's accomplishments at all.

K&R

[blondeatlast]

25. A little kick above the dupe... nt

[BlackVelvet04]

28. I seriously doubt

Jimmy Carter would find this amusing. IMO it's disrespectful to a man who would never use that kind of language.

[FredScuttle]

31. Jimmy Carter says for you to shut the fuck up, assclown

I keed! I keed!

[Starbucks Anarchist]

39. Delete, wrong place.

[Richard Steele]

43. BWAHAHA!!!!!

Great; now -I- just peed a little! :rofl:

[Kurovski]

44. It's magical, almost frighteningly so.

This piece of writing, it has control over functions of the human body.

Some people involuntarily pee, others experience a clenching of the anus.

Do they give Pulitzers for this kind of stuff? :shrug:

[Uncle Joe]

29. The inner Jimmy Carter lets loose.

:rofl:

That was good, thanks for the thread, kpete.

[Kurovski]

34. kpete ...

why do you waste your time posting all that other crap? We need to hear from Jimmy Carter more often!

Just kidding. :hug: :loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

35. OMG-

:rofl: "You myopic pricks"

[Kurovski]

37. Friday night kick. (nt)

[Lisa]

38. "kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run ..."

Sing it, Jimmy!

You know, when I see those solar panels and windmills going up, and Priuses driving around ... and people screaming about gas prices ... I think about all the grief Carter got, and all the ridicule and crap that was heaped on him for trying to warn everyone what would be coming. I know he is a gentle, dignified man who wouldn't fling the f-word around ... but he's not mealymouthed either. Deep down, he just might be thinking this very thing.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

40. He's also a drug counselor.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/76/76ocarter.phtml

President Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?

Peter (on phone): They were these little orange pills.

President Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?

Peter (on phone): Uh.. yes.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.

Peter (on phone): Very good of you to know that, sir.

President Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter?

Peter (on phone): Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.

President Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for about five more hours. Try taking some vitamin B complex, vitamin C complex.. if you have a beer, go ahead and drink it..

Peter (on phone): Okay..

President Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside and listen to some music, Okay? Do you have any Allman Brothers?

:rofl: :rofl:

[Labors of Hercules]

41. cheer up Jimmy...

Johnny will make sure Al steps up to the plate for us.