My ability to Hope is dead...

[FirstLight]

I recently realized that I have lost my ability to hope.

With new stories every day about the planet being too far gone for fixing, and things progressing faster than anyone originaly thought, with economy getting scarier and civil liberty tossed out the window...

I have become a harbinger of doom to all my friends and family. It is like I am the only one awake in a room full of people who would rather happliy ignore the signs...I can't plan for the future, except to say I am growing food in the yard of my rental, because I don't feel like our food supply will be reliable for the next year. I am still trying to figure out how we will make it as far as heating and energy next winter...

It used to be that I was happliy living my life with my head in the sand six months ago or so... then I started to take a look around, and with elections coming, I began reading the news - in depth, and often. As a former journalist, I used to be able to stomach the news and see that there was usualy a spin or another take on a story... but the stories are painting a picture of a world that I can not see a solution or light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn;t mater which candidate runs, or wins... except maybe one or the other will be able to stave off the inevitable for a bit longer, and one or the other wil bring it crashing down faster.

Even if I got the $15/hr job (like those are so easy to come by these days) and worked my ASS off for the next five years... it would be just a drop in the bucket. At one time I thought I could get my self out of debt (student loans... mostly...) and get a house... now I am sure that the economy will crumble before I even get a chance to try... At this point, I can't barely afford food on the table anyhow. If we did not have help, we'd be homeless for sure.

How can I even plan for a future for my kids, when I think that life as we know it is heading down a path that we will no longer recognize our homeland or humanity in the next few (short) years...? I have lost hope, and that is more dangerous than anything I can forsee.

I used to believe in many things, that the power of the human spirit could carry us through...that love and peace could transform our world, that somehow we could transcend the changes to come... now I find there is no peace in my prayers. and I am jealous of the ones who will choose to leave the game before the tide turns even darker. I know I was born at this time in hisory to be a part of this change and that I would be one of those who would work to help the tribe... but the task is SO great and I have much fear of what is coming down the pike...There is nothing else to do but carry on, I just wish I didn't see it everywhere I looked.
Has anyone else seen it? I swear I have had dreams of the waters rising and cities abandoned and crumbling ... and violence over food and more...

what do you do with this knowledge when you realize you ARE the frog and the water is boiling, and jumping out of the pot is not really an option?

:scared:

[Trajan]

1. Remember you have a finite time of existence ...

Try to enjoy some of that ....

Sometimes you have to manufacture joy if it doesn't seem to otherwise exist ...

EDIT: I have something to add ...

Look .... It isn't fair that you feel ALL the pain of the world, so stark and so complete, without any consideration for your own happiness .... YES: Things are bad, and bound to get worse soon enough, but there are times you just have to let go of some of that, for your own sanity ...

Please; I would beg you to release yourself from feeling all the worst dread, and force yourself to find some quiet corner in your psyche that can bring some solace and comfort, even if for a few moments of each day .... You can break your mind by absorbing all of the frustrations of the world on your delicate shoulders ....

Do what you can to change things .... Make whatever effort you can reasonably make so that you know you are doing all you can to make things better. But know that, every day, you have to bring a steady comfort to your children that you, them, and all of you will be ok .... Take those damned lemons, and whip them into the sweetest lemonade ever juiced .... Even in the worst conditions, you have to rise above it all, and find your footing, somehow, some way ... so you can take the hands of your kids, and show them they way forward ....

I know it sounds hard, but it could be your foundation in life to wring out some meaning that places you on a solid basis in a harsh world ....

About that world: The world, without government, without politics, without laws, parties and media ...

THAT world is a vicious place ... It truly is a jungle, where each day would bring dangers and frights that early man rarely survived without the greatest efforts ... That is STILL the world we live in .... Civilization and large scale socialization has brought mankind forward from that 'state of nature', but it is important that we make the greatest effort still to make sure we survive ...

I am struggling WITH a decent job even now, but I have had it worse : So bad that I had to manufacture hope where none seemed to exist ....

I made it up .... I KNEW that, if I persevered, I would climb out of the hole, and lift my kids upward and forward .... I worked VERY hard to do that .... I lived in 4 states in 18 months just to find a decent job (after losing a small fortune) .... I was so down at one time, that I swear I was frozen in fear, and unable to see a way out .... But THAT is when I just threw up my hands and said "DAMN IT, I am gonna MAKE it happen !" ... I knew it would take an extraordinary mental effort to reverse the 'natural' inclination to fall down from all of my fears (which is what was happening) .... I absolutely HAD to grab the bull by the horns and do things I wouldnt have done before .... I moved out of state, away from my family, just to pay the rent .... I again left that job for a better position in yet another state .... ALL with only a guitar and a suitcase in my car ... My kids and wife were still in Missouri ....

Hell .. It hurts to even think of it now ....

But DAMNIT .... I moved forward by scratching and clawing my way through the depression and fear to a minimum level of subsistence .... I have lost much, including my wife, but I have a stable home, a good job, my kids are here with me, and they have the foundation I fought to make sure existed for them .... We are struggling to pay for community college, but we are safe and sound, at least for now ...

If things get worse, we will again have to scratch to eke it out, but my kids know how hard I work for this, and there is much love in our household .... We want the world to be a good place for everyone, and we want those who are ruining this world to STOP ! ..... But it is important that I provide that base for them, so they can feel secure, at least, in having shelter, food and clothing ... I have been 'container gardening' in my rental the last couple years to supplement out groceries, and there is still more I could do yet ....

I wish the best for you and your children ... and if there is anything I could do for you, please let me know .... I feel your pain ....

[FirstLight]

21. Your words ring so true, thanks

I know there has never been an option to give up, because I am NOT, nor have I ever been that type... I

somehow always seem to find my bootstraps eventually, I guess it IS the magnitude of it all that comes crashing down at time like this and I just want to scream and run away...but there;s really nowhere to run. I hate being in that place of non-joy, and I do find moments when I feel accomplished ...

--we baked cupcakes because the snow storm had us trapped inside this weekend (I saved money at the grocery outlet for cakemix, dammit)

--I shoveled and it was really beautiful... till another foot came down :grr:

--I finished a deadline that has been looming for a while and am on top of my pile at one of my jobs...so far

and even though I am not making nearly enough money, I love what I am doing and it does give me the ability to take time off for kids and sanity...

I just wish it were easier, and I wish I didn't know so much sometimes!
thanks to you and everyone here at DU for being such a great surrogate family!!! :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

25. Thank you both, Trajan and journalgrll...

You have both touched me this morning in a very positive way, and I'm grateful.

In a way, the "ignorance is bliss" approach is to be envied, as knowledge can be overwhelming in today's world.

I have no answers or words of wisdom but am grateful for the ones shared here. I simply wanted to thank you both this morning for the dose of perspective.

[zanne]

27. I second that "thank you". nt

[Skittles]

2. hang in there, Journalgrrl

I agree with you things are very bad and I greatly sympathize with those of you who have not even been given the chance to build any kind of safety reserve for yourself. We have to just keep fighting the unfairness of it all.

[tabatha]

3. That is the way I have felt for the last seven years.

I have frequently woken up in the morning in despair about what we are doing in Iraq.
I am beginning to feel somewhat more optimistic because hopefully Bush and Cheney will be replaced by a Democratic president next January.

[Xenotime]

4. I know exactly how you feel. We are taking it one day at a time.

That's really all we have left. If becomes too much if I try to think farther down the road. We are on a path of self destruction with guns, the economy, illegal wars and occupations and nobody seems to care.

[Trillo]

5. I'm reminded of the movie Matrix,

edit: added phrase "even as he knew it wasn't real"
where the betrayer, while stuffing a piece of what seemed just like bloody-rare steak into his mouth, even as he knew it wasn't real, says, "Ignorance is bliss."

Perhaps stepping away from the cares of the world, for however long it takes to heal yourself, could help.

[FirstLight]

8. Ignorance IS bliss... SOOOO true!

Believe me, a spa day is definately in order around here!

...like the snow that won't f(^*&^$ stop - JUST keep shoveling till the sun comes out, and try to look forward to JUNE when I can play at the beach with my kids and try to feel better for a while here and there...

meanwhile I just have my wine, funny movies and a tendency to overwork ...that keeps me busy so I can't think too much!

[Demagitator]

6. I sort of agree....

but look at the positive side, such as what good can come from the negatives, and always try to see the cup as half full. Modern day psychology says to be comfortable and to not rule in humanity; yet there is a universal power of peace; and in spite of overwhelming odds -- great liberals like Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther king, and Einstein overcame the darkness, and went on to do great things.

[samplegirl]

7. I know what you are saying

it's like your affraid to think about next week, next month, or next year. Yet others around us just seem to either ignore it or just don't think about.
I tell my daughter these things and she just continues to spend every cent she makes.
Things are progressing fast and all we can do is hope that
a new president can turn this around some.
Hang in there your not alone many people are affraid of what
will come.

[FirstLight]

9. You guys keep making me cry!

thanks for the understanding if nothing else, it is good to know I am not just a raven of doom! I swear, my friends all think I am nuts!

[Richard Steele]

18. At this point, anyone who isn't seriously concerned is seriously MISINFORMED.

It's not just you. Things are bad, very bad...
and there's just no possible path to "better"
that doesn't go directly through "MUCH WORSE".

You're not crazy- trust me. You're just having a SANE
reaction to CRAZY times.

By the way- welcome to DU! :hi:

[Swamp Rat]

10. Yeah I've seen it, right here in New Orleans.

I live in a damaged home, no health insurance (though I wish I could go to a doctor), no job or any prospects, my SO and I have been separated for 5 years (not willingly), I'm owned by SallieMae, and my 16 yr old dog died yesterday. :cry:

I may give up tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I refuse to give up hope.

[ngGale]

13. Ahhhh....

NOLA is a night and a few days on DU, I'll never forget. If anyone should be blessed, it's you.:hug:

[bananas]

24. Sorry to hear about your dog. nt

[Breeze54]

32. I'm sorry to hear about your dog, Swamp Rat...

..... and everything else you are going through. :(

I hope things get better for you soon. :hug:

[orleans]

11. you go outside, you head to a breathtaking place, you drink it in,

you take deep breaths, you tell yourself how lucky you are to be right there--right then, you open your eyes and observe the wonder and magic that surrounds you, and tell yourself there are many of us that would love to be where you are at that exact moment. and how fortunate you are to be there.

and then you start gathering the strength you need to pull it together.

[FirstLight]

12. Funny thing, I live in one of the most beautiful places...

and I have my breath taken away regularly as I am going trough the motions...

I just wish I could hold on to some peace inside when I am freaking out about how to survive today, much less tomorrow...
I keep trying to remember to look up and find wonder again, I really do. I hate being such a schlump that I don;t even want to play with my kids...

[orleans]

19. sometimes we all need a temporary fix

nature can have a soothing/calming effect

and kids are good to take your mind off the rest of the world--if you let them.


(i don't know how old your kids are--but every once in awhile, when my daughter was younger, we would have a special day when i would let her stay home and we would do things together just to spend some fun time together, playing. sometimes i planned it, sometimes it was a spur of the moment. she could take my mind off all the bullshit and i would just let the rest of the world go to hell for awhile. and we'd just play.)

you and i can't solve the problems of the world. but the really good news is we don't have to.

find the joy in what you have right in front of you--

start having non-"schlump" days, plan them out with the kids, look forward to them. they always helped me get into a better mind-set, which always had a positive effect on my life and attitude/mood.

you've got your kids, you've got this beautiful place you live in, and you've got us. (and probably more good things i'm unaware of.) you're not a frog. you're a mom, you're a woman, you're a friend, you're a journalist.

and things are going to get better. and it's about time too!

:grouphug:

[Wiley50]

14. I take comfort in the fact that I can, at least , see the truth

when, all around me, are many who are blinded to it. In the very fact
that i'm gaining more and more knowledge.

I only wish that I was able to share it with those who can't,
but, sadly, Faux News and Rush have more credibility with them than I do.
In fact, they bite my head off when I try.

I can only come here and preach to the choir and commiserate.

I've lost my youth, my health, my family and what monetary wealth I once had.

But, at least I have the truth

[ngGale]

15. We here at the DU just ...

try to get through this, together. Many sleepless nights have been spent here on the keyboard.
After you become aware, you can't seem to stop it. What bothers me, I can't seem to convince other people. I've come to the conclusion some just do not want to face up to reality.
Ignorance is bliss...wish I could be, too.

:grouphug:

[The Straight Story]

16. I don't have any real answers for you except to say

I have been through absolute hell and I am still clinging to hope - because without that, we have nothing. And some folks in power want us to lose all hope.

Somewhere deep inside, partially in thanks to many people here - I really do have some hope.

bush, and others, want us to lose hope. The last thing I want to do is give them what they want. Even when I am down and losing all hope, I can come here and rant and get some hope. Which I am sure is something they hate.

[gristy]

17. I have the feelings you describe more often than I like

I wish I could say that I've overcome them, that I'm tougher than whatever the future can throw at me. But I can't. But I do still get up in the morning and go to work and do a good job there, and I get to forget about the future for a while. I guess I see two bad things happening, but those two may make a third really bad thing happen. One bad thing is that due to peak oil the standard of living for just about everyone on the planet is going to drop. Precipitously. But it isn't going to go to zero. Maybe to where mankind was in the late 1800's. I'm not saying that we will be going back in time, I'm just comparing standards of living. But people survived in the 1800's, and some even thrived. The second bad thing is what is happening to our environment by way of climate change, and the impact this is going to have on weather patterns, agriculture, sea levels, and the world's cities (most of which are near the ocean). This is going to be quite disruptive, and people are going to have to move/migrate. And this is going to cause political turmoil because many of these people are going to be crossing borders. So the really bad thing is the potential for war. So there will be great strain on society and the people of the world. But I also think there is a wide range of possible outcomes and that more than anything, it will be up to the world's leaders to lead us in a direction to minimize the strife that is surely coming our way. So I guess I'm saying it's not over 'till the fat lady sings, and remember there are lots of folks that have come before you and suffered to varying degrees, and many have overcome, though many have succumbed. Find beauty in the things around you, love your kids, and practice kindness to strangers. And live day to day and month to month and year to year.

You might guess I'm writing this for myself as much as for you. But I'm happy to share. :hi:

[Warpy]

20. At least you know what's coming and can prepare for it

Think of those yuppies in their overpriced trophy houses with their brand new SUVs in the driveway, plasma TV in the living room, and not a cent of it paid for. Just think of what a shock they're going to get over the next year. They'll try to jump out of the pot and land in the fire.

As for us, years of poverty taught us how to do the backstroke in boiling water. Most of us have life skills that the people in those trophy houses don't have: we can cook, make our clothing, fix our plumbing, rewire our lamps, tile our bathrooms, and much more.

Plus, you are a lefty. You've got generous neighbors here on DU who will tell you how to fix things, how to cook cheap food, how to knit sweaters, and everything else that might need doing that you can't afford someone else to do.

If you know what a shitstorm is heading for you, you've got a better chance of surviving it than the magical thinkers who don't.

I hope you get the job. $15.00/hour isn't much, but it will keep you housed and fed if you're not too particular.

[FirstLight]

22. this is true...

That which doesn't kill us, makes us smarter!

I guess that I jave been through all the ringers in my life to keep proving to myself that I have the gumption it takes when the shit hits the fan... sometimes I wish it didn;t make me such an oddball! and lord, do I get TIRED of being so strong!

bubble baths help...

and loud classic rock music! listening to Steve Miller Band tonight...

tomorrow is tomorrow, and tonight will have to take care of itself, right?

[Breeze54]

23. You aren't alone in that, Journalgrrl ....

I felt the same way last week. It just plowed me under and I slept on it for a few days
and took an internet break and watched more movies and less news and I had chocolate ice
cream :9 and I felt a little better after a few days. I'm now focusing on November now.

Eyes forward to the The Prize!! The day I've been waiting for since January 2000...

... the day 'shit-fer-brains' gets the hell out of OUR White House!!

Hang in there and Welcome to DU!!! :hi:

[Earth_First]

26. All one can do is imagine the beauty created in your preparedness...

In order to clear your head from the impending doom which you prepare for, just imagine and cherish the beauty and sheer magnificence of what you are creating.

FEEL the protective covering of the bark on the trees that you collect to heat your family.

TASTE the result of your hard work in nurturing vegetables from seed to your table.

SMELL the aroma of the soil and the breeze through the changing seasons.

Hard times are out there, friend. However there is much good left that only YOU can create.

Good luck to you!

[Hersheygirl]

28. Grow up. It's called life.

[trusty elf]

29. Aren't you the compassionate one!

No sympathy at all?

[lonestarnot]

30. I was doing fine with your post until you said "homeland." ack

I've never recognized America as a fucking "homeland." Hang in there.

[Tesha]

31. Then you have no fear any more. You're completely free.

Interrogator: I am instructed to inform you that you have been convicted by special tribunal and that unless you are ready to offer your cooperation you are to be executed. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
Evey Hammond: Yes.
Interrogator: Are you ready to cooperate?
Evey Hammond: No.
Interrogator: Very well. Escort Ms. Hammond back to her cell. Arrange a detail of six men and take her out behind the chemical shed and shoot her.

---

Guard: It's time.
Evey Hammond: I'm ready.
Guard: Look all they want is one little piece of information, just give them something, anything.
Evey Hammond: Thank you, but I'd rather die behind the chemical sheds.
Guard: Then you have no fear any more. You're completely free.

---

V: (V enters Evey's field of vision as she walks into the Shadow Gallery, directly from the prison) Hello, Evey.
Evey Hammond: You. It was you.
V: (quietly) Yeah.
Evey Hammond: (gestures behind her) That wasn't real... Is Gordon - ?
V: I'm sorry, but Mr. Deitrich's dead. I thought they'd arrest him, but when they found a Koran in his house, they had him executed.
Evey Hammond: (whispers) Oh God...
V: Fortunately, I got to you before they did.
Evey Hammond: You got to me? You did this to me? You cut my hair? You tortured me? You tortured me! Why?
V: You said you wanted to live without fear. I wish there'd been an easier way, but there wasn't.
(Evey whispers, "Oh my God...?)
V: I know you may never forgive me... but nor will you understand how hard it was for me to do what I did. Every day I saw in myself everything you see in me now. Every day I wanted to end it, but each time you refused to give in, I knew I couldn't.
Evey Hammond: You're *sick*! You're *evil*!
V: *You* could've ended it, Evey, you could've given in. But you didn't. Why?
Evey Hammond: Leave me alone! I *hate* you!
V: That's it! See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you.
Evey Hammond: Shut up! I *don't* want to hear your lies!
V: Your own father said that artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.
Evey Hammond: No.
V: What was true in that cell is just as true now. What you felt in there has nothing to do with me.
Evey Hammond: I can't feel *anything* anymore!
V: Don't run from it, Evey. You've been running all your life.
Evey Hammond: (gasps) I can't... can't breathe. Asthma... asthma! When I was little...
(V reaches out his hand, Evey grabs it, they fall to the ground together)
V: Listen to me, Evey. This may be the most important moment of your life. Commit to it.
(Evey continues sobbing)
V: They took your parents from you. They took your brother from you.
(Evey groans)
V: They put you in a cell and took everything they could take except your life. And you believed that was all there was, didn't you? The only thing you had left was your life, but it wasn't, was it?
(Evey sobs, "Oh please...?)
V: You found something else. In that cell you found something that mattered more to you than life. It was when they threatened to kill you unless you gave them what they wanted... you told them you'd rather die. You faced your death, Evey. You were calm. You were still.
(Evey continues gasping)
V: Try to feel now what you felt then.
Evey Hammond: Oh God... I felt...
V: Yes?
Evey Hammond: I'm dizzy. I need air. Please, I need to be outside.