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Warm reception, my ass: The Pope is going to list all of the mortal sins Shrub has committed, and tell him which circle of Hell he's going to.
As we remember from our study of George Carlin, a mortal sin is a grievous offense, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. IOW, you had to WANNA! And these seven mortal sins are:
Lust (check)
Gluttony (check)
Greed (CHECK!!!!)
Sloth (check)
Wrath (DOUBLE-CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Envy (check)
Pride (check)
Committing any one of those sins will get you committed to Hell, from which there is no escape. And this Protestant bullshit of forgiveness, where you can do any damn thing you want, say you love Jesus five minutes before you die and go straight to heaven just like it shows in the Chick tracts? That only works if you quit sinning after you tell Jesus you love him--you can't tell Jesus he's a great guy, run off and kill a million people like Shrub did, and expect to go anywhere but straight down when you die. They tell me Bush's will requests he be put in his casket face down. He already knows his final destination.
The circles of Hell, one of which Shrub will find himself in, are as follows (this from Dante's Inferno):
The First Circle, or Limbo: Here reside the unbaptized and the virtuous pagan. It's nice there, but there's no god. According to Dante, Limbo includes green fields and a castle, the dwelling place of the wisest men of antiquity. IOW, if you're a good person but you don't qualify for heaven (because heaven is only for Christians, don'tcha know?) you go here. Shrub will not go here.
The Second Circle is for people overcome by lust. You get blown all over by a violent storm without hope of rest. Basically, Hurricane Katrina for eternity. While this offers some form of just desserts, it's not really bad enough for George Bush.
The Third Circle is for gluttons. They lie in a slush made of hail, snow and freezing rain. Bush is a glutton, but this still isn't the right place for him.
The Fourth Circle is for greedy fuckers. They have to push big weights (Gustave Dore says they're big bags of money) around all the time. Interesting, but not so good.
The Fifth Circle is for the wrathful, who have to wrestle in the waters of the River Styx. I don't know...he'd wind up elbowing guys in the mouth so this one's out.
The Sixth Circle is for heretics, which arguably describes Shrub. Heretics are locked in flaming tombs. This one shows promise...
The Seventh Circle is for the violent. It has three levels:
The Outer Ring houses those who were violent against people and property. They are immersed in Phlegethon, the river of boiling blood. They are submerged to a level corresponding to their sins, and the Centaurs fire arrows into any who try to escape. This is not the place for him, as there are no dredges on Phlegethon and they'd have to put a hundred-foot-deep pit on the bottom of Phlegeton to cover all Shrub's sins.
The Middle Ring is for suicides and for profligates (people who destroyed money or property). The suicides are turned into thorny bushes--since he's been a thorny Bush all his life this wouldn't be much of a change, and he doesn't have the common courtesy to commit seppuku anyway so he by definition isn't qualified to be turned into a bush. He HAS destroyed a lot of money and property, though, so maybe they'll have dogs chase him in and out of the thorny bushes.
The Inner Ring is for those violent against God (blasphemers), against nature (sodomites) and against art (usurers). They reside in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining down from the sky. Blasphemers lie on the sand, usurers sit and sodomites wander in groups.
The Eighth Circle is where hell really starts getting bad. People guilty of deliberate, knowing evil wind up in one of ten stone ditches--bolgie--segregated by individual sin:
Bolgia 1: pimps and seducers. They march in lines and are whipped by demons.
Bolgia 2: flatterers are steeped in pools of shit because their flatteries on earth were nothing but loads of crap.
Bolgia 3: Simony is buying an ecclesiastical office--think "mail order ministry" writ large. If you did it, you're going to be put head-first in a hole in the rock wall and flames will burn on the soles of your feet.
Bolgia 4: Sorcerers and false prophets get their heads turned around backwards. They also get to cry so many tears they can't see. Now that we know where Jerry Falwell went...
Bolgia 5: Corrupt politicians are immersed in a lake of boiling tar.
Bolgia 6: This isn't so bad: Hypocrites walk around wearing gold-gilded lead cloaks.
Bolgia 7: Thieves are constantly attacked by snakes.
Bolgia 8: Fraudulent advisors are encased in individual flames. Let's leave Karl Rove for a while and go to...
Bolgia 9: where sowers of discord are hacked apart by a sword-wielding demon. Yup, you guessed it: Limbaugh, Hannity, Coulter, O'Reilly...
Bolgia 10: Alchemists, counterfeiters, homeopaths, perjurers, impersonators and all other sorts of falsifiers are afflicted with various diseases. A LOT of the Bush administration is going here, but not Shrub. We're not deep enough yet.
The Ninth Circle of Hell is for traitors.
Zone 1 (Caina) is for traitors to their kindred, who are immersed in ice up to their necks.
Zone 2 (Antenora) is for traitors to political entities, and they're also immersed in ice--except they can't bend their necks.
Zone 3 (Ptolomaea) is for traitors to their guests. They're in ice too, up to their noses.
Zone 4 (Judecca) is for traitors to their lords and benefactors. They're completely encapsulated in ice.
Now our friend Dante describes the very center of hell. It is a horrible place. It is an ice pit, as was the ninth circle. Standing in the middle of it is Satan. He has three faces. Each face has a mouth that chews on a prominent traitor--Brutus, Cassius and Judas. Satan is waist-deep in the ice. He weeps tears from his six eyes, which mix with the blood of the three traitors and is frozen by the wind whipping off his six wings. That fucker is going to have to leave.
So let me see...in Washington Dennis Kucinich is trying to impeach him on thirty counts of evil, and in the Vatican the Pope is telling him to grow two more heads and three pair of wings. I'd say it's not a good week for him.
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