Bush/Pope Meet in Vatican, Condemn Things
June 13, 2008 · No Comments
by Jordan Zakarin
:sarcasm:
It was a lively discussion between Bush and Benedict, who has at times been critical of the President’s foreign policy decisions, particularly the War in Iraq and the military’s alleged use of torture on detainees and prisoners of war. After the two discussed their differences, however, the leaders quickly bonded as they rapidly pieced together a list of things, actions and beliefs that they agreed should be condemned.
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“Life begins at conception, what if Jesus was aborted, look at this mangled fetus billboard and vomit in your car, Leviticus 18:22, ‘exit only’ — it was all pretty standard stuff,” said a Vatican Cardinal, on condition on anonymity. “Then all of a sudden, something just clicked, and they started rattling off things they felt morally superior than left and right. It was really a beautiful thing to watch.”
The list, which filled two full parchment scrolls by the time it was completed, was a mix of old and new doctrine. In addition to admonishing pre-marital sex (anal not included at the Presbyterian President’s behest), coveting one’s neighbor’s wife, stems cell research, goat thievery and Islam, new additions to be scorned included Broadway musicals, Al Gore, iPod shuffle playlists, apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal, adult education courses and the Fourth Amendment.
“We got along real swell, Benny and I,” the President told reporters assembled outside the Pope’s quarters. “I like the way he thinks, he’s a real forward looker. We both agreed on many important issues that are troubling us both. It was a pleasant surprise to learn that his Eminence was just as horrified as I was when he learned that there are some people out there that are advocating we look for alternative sources of energy. As he said, if it was good enough to light Jesus’ lamp, far be it from us to try and ‘do better’ than that.”
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