What Can True Christians Do to Help Speed Up Global Warming So Jesus Comes Back Quicker?

[ccharles000]

As True Bible believing Christians™, we have a much better understanding about the fate of this planet than any Biologist, Environmentalist, or so-called scientist because we have a personal relationship with the Fellow who created this whole place to begin with! Friends, as True Christians™ then, being familiar with the Holy Bible gives you more authority than anyone who holds a post-graduate degree! That's something to be proud of - don't wince about it! And don't let people call you crazy! God's Holy Scriptures give the poorest farmer's servant in our congregation the power to win an argument with a Bio-Chemist, or a Nuclear Physicist - without even knowing a lick about what them folks studied in their fancy secular universities! What these ignorant unsaved, over-educated folks don't understand is that they can gather all the data, all the research and present all the facts they care to collect about any subject under the sun - but when you hold it next to child-like faith in the Almighty God, the most learned Evolutionist or Environmentalist, will widen their blind eyes in awe, and cower in fear at the truth of God's Word! Praise Jesus! For the simple truth, we need only look to our old children's Sunday School song, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands!" Oh, GLORY!

All this hub-bub about conserving energy, and protecting the environment is enough to make me want to pull my hair out! How about you? Why should we give a lick if our thermometers are edging up a bit, when the Lord promised He is going to turn the whole dang planet into a fire ball any minute now? Who is going to protect the ice cubes in Greenland then, my friends? Satan is sending out a false anxiety, and misdirected mass-hysteria about the environment! The roots of these phony fears are planted deeply into so-called "facts" which sprout from poisonous seeds between the hot-rocks scattered across the sandy shores of the Lake of Fire. Its Satan's way of slapping Jesus in the face while he still has a chance! A-men? The only fact these folks should really be afraid of is the fact that if they don't believe in Jesus Christ, that our loving God is going to roast them alive in Hell for eternity! Now, if you ask me - I'd be much more concerned about what is going to happen to me for eternity than I am about what's going to happen to me in the next few years! A-men?

God teaches us in the Bible that "thinking" and "worrying" is an absolute waste of time!　

Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? - Matthew 6:25

Anyone who has read the Bible and believes every word will agree that worrying about our environment and trying to conserve energy (among other things) is an act of defiance against the Living God. Friends, the Lord will take care of everything. God made the Earth and the Heavens and if He wants to destroy it all, He will! In fact, one of the things that makes folks True Christians™ in the first place is that we are PRAYING for the destruction of this planet. You see, God actually wants us to use up all the resources, because when everything is gone, it will signal the return of sweet Jesus to come kill all the Muslims, Catholics, Mormons, Hindus and Tree-Hugger-know-it-alls. If we don't end the world, God will just end it Himself. We've got to do our duty to speed up the process. The Bible says that God has given the world and everything in it for man to use. God wants us to do with it whatever we please! From Genesis, Chapter 1:26 we learn that God has given us dominion over "every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth!" So much for endangered species! That's why we have an Endangered Species Dinner each year here at Landover! To celebrate God's love for wild game hunters! And show that God has given us any species or plant we want to eat, even if it happens to be the last of its kind! Amen? In Genesis Chapter 1:29, the Lord continues letting us know that he has given us "every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth." And we just learned recently that plants create the air we breathe. God is telling us then, that we can use up the air in any way we see fit! Once the air is gone, it just means that Jesus will come back, so the more pollution, the better! Glory! In verse 30 of the same chapter, He affirms the fact that we have dominion over "every single living thing on earth," and our environment is a living thing! Folks, that means we can do whatever we want with anything we like! If we use it all up, we have to have faith that the Lord will return and provide for us again. If you follow God's rules, supply and demand doesn't mean a lick. I think I speak for the Lord here, when I say, "use it or lose it." Oh, ye of little faith! Don't you know that God can simply sweep his robe across the clouds and create clean air again, if He wills it?

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2008/april/conservationsin.html

[billyoc]

1. Smash themselves in the face with hammers. It's what Jesus wants.

[paparush]

7. I LOL'd!

[fascisthunter]

25. you almost made me choke on my lunch

that was too funny

[Heidi]

2. Fundamentalists need to be awfully careful what they wish for.

Just a hunch, but I don't think Jesus would be the least bit amused by their shenanigans.

[fascisthunter]

26. if anything, they worship Satan dressed as Jesus

[StClone]

3. Landover Church is a Parody of Church, Bible and Beliefs

In case you missed it.

[ccharles000]

4. I know.

[ColbertWatcher]

42. No, It Is Not! Landover is real! n/t

[Peacetrain]

5. Well first of all TRUE Christians realize there is nothing at all

that they can personally do to bring the parousia (end times). Only false prophets claim to know when and or how to bring the second coming. Something to think about. True Christians are not militaristic, they give before they receive.. and they would probably be addressed as commie loving socialists by most modern day Christians.

[noel711]

6. The term 'true Christians' creeps me out....

Like Jesus gave us a blueprint or litmus test...
on how to hate others, and ruin life for the future.

For the real litmus test, they should read
Matthew 25:31-46.."when I was hungry..."

Those fools understood nothing; the real meaning behind
the hebrew for 'dominion,' means 'stewardship' or 'care'
for the earth, not trashing it.

But they boil everything down to the lowest common
denominator... literalists in the most evil sense of the word.

and they poison the well for anyone who consider what
the challenge of christianity is..

[paparush]

9. I'm not Catholic, but I went to a midnight mass once..and as communion time came

this voice came over the loudspeaker -

"While the church recognizes people of all faiths, we ask that only Catholics in good standing rise to take communion."

I was blown away. My friend and I, both country boys from a small Presbyterian church,looked at each other like this place is seriously nuts.

[Marrah_G]

13. I've never heard the Catholic Church announce that, but it is a rule

I come from an Irish Catholic Family and whenever I attend Mass for some occasion, whether it be a funeral or baptism, I do not go up for communion. It is a matter of simple respect. Their house, their rules. My own faith has rules and traditions I would hope people would respect if they were visiting.

The Catholic Church has rites of passage called Sacraments. To receive communion you must have gone through First Communion and the classes proceeding it which teaches the meaning behind communion before you are allowed to receive it. It is a sacred thing to the Catholic church. They want you to know the meaning behind the action so it means something.

With that said, a Catholic Mass can be a beautiful thing. Your first time seeing it being at Midnight mass (I assume Christmas Eve?) tends to bring out alot of twofer Catholics (they attend two masses a year, Christmas and Easter=twofer)and is very crowded. Probably the worst possible introduction to what can be a really beautiful thing.

[fascisthunter]

29. I have... I went to Catholic Grammer and Catholic High School

actually, I've heard it a few times although it didn't bother me.

[mrs_p]

18. why would you even take communion

if you are not catholic? catholics believe in transubstantiation - the bread and wine truly becomes the body and blood of christ. if you take communion, you are supposed to believe that. why is it nuts to have the church request people who do not believe that not participate, especially on the day when there are many non-catholics there? you could have gone forward for a blessing if you wanted.

[paparush]

19. I didn't say I wanted to take communion. I said I attended a service and I was shocked by

the announcement. I sat there bewildered.

[kestrel91316]

23. When Presbyterians take communion (it's not EVERY Sunday, BTW)

they just pass the little cups of wine and plate of wafers down the pew and everybody can partake or not as they wish. They don't make like it's an exclusive members-only thing.

No wonder those boys were taken aback.

[paparush]

44. Kestrel...you nailed it.

I no longer attend any kind of church, but having grown up Presbyterian, where our communion happened exactly like you described, I was rather flabbergasted at the announcement during that mass. This happened 25 years ago mind you. Gad, I'm getting old.

[DemoTex]

8. Burn more books?

:shrug:

[jakefrep]

10. Jesus would drive a Hummer without smog controls...

...be cause catalytic converters are of the Devil.

[Ian David]

11. One of the funniest things you will ever see on YouTube...

It's not the whole bit, though. I'd like to find it online from the very beginning (I think it's on C-SPAN somewhere)

Pastor Deacon Fred preaches to thousands of Atheists
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nECGkQLftpo

Toward the end, the cHristian protesters outside the rally nearly rioted.

[Bobbie Jo]

12. Honestly...I'm tired of the Christian bashing free for all....

As if Christians are always fair game, while on the other hand...jokes referencing (insert pet interest/group here) are grounds for public humiliation.

Just sayin...:shrug:

[Peacetrain]

15. There are a lot, and I mean a lot of people

who claim to be Christians, and do not have the first inkling of what it means. Because if they did, they would not take on that kind of sacrifice. Because of the hypocrisy of those types of people, all Christians get hit with the same battering ram.

It has always been that way, and I am afraid it will always be that way.

From Martin Luther at the Brandenburg gate, to Martin Luther King in the march on Selma. Some how all get linked into a Rev Phelps frame. And I know what you are saying :hug:

[Bobbie Jo]

16. Hypocrisy IS fair game....

However...gratuitous Jesus jokes are another matter.


btw...thanks for responding. :hi:

[gratuitous]

20. Thanks

I try to make sure my Jesus jokes are always of the highest quality.

[Bobbie Jo]

37. LOL....Accept no imitations.

:rofl:

[Dogtown]

17. I'm tired of Xians

and their pretentious apologists.

:patriot:

[Political Heretic]

24. I'm tired of assholes.

:hi:

[Dogtown]

27. Then you're in the wrong place

Plenty of us assholes here.

And not going anyplace else soon.

:hi:

EDIT: Wait! You were calling me an asshole, right?

[Bobbie Jo]

34. Did I SAY I was tired of "atheists" or any other group you want to label?

Re-read my post, and then if you want to respond to me with a correct representation of what I said, please do!

[Dogtown]

40. No, I'm fine, thanks.

[fascisthunter]

28. nevermind

[Bobbie Jo]

30. Yeah...I must be beyond reason and logic to even bother .

When you get me figured out there, let me know.:eyes:

[fascisthunter]

32. um.... not what you presume

[Bobbie Jo]

36. my apologies.

I wasn't kidding about the figuring me out part. :P

[fascisthunter]

38. no problem.... apologies accepted

[spoony]

35. No shit, and to base it on a fake site is even dumber

Landover Baptist? I bet half these prats don't even know it's a joke site.

[Obamanaut]

14. If it is REALLY true what the new testament says about prayer

"Whatsoever you ask in my name..." and if they REALLY believed it, then all the believers would have to do is ask.

Shoot, they could make cancer go away, and AIDS, and world hunger.

Why don't they ask?

:sarcasm:

[noel711]

21. Many of us DO ask and pray for those things...

but.. we live in a broken world.
Many of us believe that we have what we need,
we have enough food for the hungry,
we have scientific ways to help the ill,
we have enough resources to provide health care,
etc, for the needy.
But not everyone wants to share what they have.

I've heard it a million times: "It's my money, and
I'll do what I want with it. Go work for your own."

Evidence of the brokenness and selfishness of our world.

And as to 'cures' for cancer, AIDS, etc?
What we can't 'fix' is evidence that we need to work
together.. but we can't 'fix' everything..
we truly live in a broken world.

[spin]

41. Quantum physics and prayer...

A Christian view:

If we want to examine the mechanics of prayer, we have to turn to an unlikely ally, quantum physics. Quantum physics is the study of matter and energy at the deepest and most subtle levels possible. It is one of the most rigorous and challenging sciences in existence. In the last twenty years however, this science has been shaken to its very foundation by a series of startling discoveries.

Quantum physicists keep finding that certain kinds of feeling affect their own experiments. It is, of course, known and accepted by quantum physicists that the observer of the experiment affects the experiment. This is a basic law of Quantum Mechanics. The degree to which it affects the experiment is the key we are talking about here.

Researchers in microbiology have found, for example, that human feeling either tightens or loosens the stranding of human DNA on a microscopic slide outside the body. In other words, researchers would be looking through a microscope at DNA, and the quality of the feeling in the room, the observers' feelings, would wind that DNA tighter, or would unwind it to a looser state.

Quantum science is beginning to bear out, through study and experimentation, this relationship between human emotion and feelings and the outer world. For example, recent research says the magnetic nature of human emotion is directly linked to weather patterns and the barometric pressure.
http://www.tybro.com/html/effective_prayer.html


Shamanism:

Nevertheless, this means that shamanism finally
has an explanation based in modern physics. Shamans can effect change in local reality through spirit helpers working at the quantum level. This is achieved through their ritual action, in which the shaman's consciousness, in an altered state of being, is intently focused on a singular objective. For example, "Take this cancer out of this sick person."

What we blandly refer to as "ritual rules," are actually quantum mechanics rules. That is, native ceremonial behavior is exactly what is needed to change reality via the observer effect. For example, shamanic rituals are extremely repetitive over long periods of time. This is because they are trying to effect the probability waves that bring reality into time and space in the first place. Waves are repetitive, and so are the waves of consciousness generated in a shamanic ritual.

Once you understand these new findings of physics, what shamans do in ceremony appears rational. This means that healing ceremonies are basically wish-fulfillment exercises, whereby the "wish" is expressed as prayer. A prayer constitutes an intensely focused, strong human will. It is the observer effect of quantum mechanics at its best. It is the patient who sets this process into motion by first making a request and "sacrifice", usually in the form of a payment, to the healer. The notion of sacrifice accompanying prayer is an ancient tradition in all religions, such as the early animal sacrifices of ancient Judaism. It is this sacrifice that sets the aim of the prayer such that it will hit its target. You give before you receive.
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/136/story_13663_2.html

Still trying to win the lottery...have to study more quantum physics.

[PurityOfEssence]

22. Set themselves on fire

They can be a beacon for all mankind.

[SidDithers]

31. Landover Baptist and Betty Bowers are a couple of my faves...

thanks for posting :hi:

Sid

[CrazyDude]

33. I's gotten rejected from biology school becuz I believe in creation, either that or I have a 2.0 GPA

[ikri]

39. Poe's Law

"Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing."

From urbandictionary.com.

Probably applies here.

[MJJP21]

43. Jesus isn't coming

If you recall , Jesus said "some standing here" will not taste of death before his return. He didn't come back then and he is not coming back in the future. So get off that wagon that other fundamentalists are on and get a grip on reality. The cavalry is not coming and this isn't a movie. If you can do some good and prevent a disaster I suggest you do what you can.

http://www.2think.org/hundredsheep/bible/notcoming.shtml