The Plan: Listening in on Hank the Wank

[GliderGuider]

Here's a brilliant little financial satire from that brilliant little financial blog "The Automatic Earth":

http://theautomaticearth.blogspot.com/2008/09/debt-rattle-september-22-2008-plan.html">The Plan

“Nancy, can you get Lloyd on the phone?"

“Lloyd who, sir?"

“Blankfein, the Goldman CEO, of course."

“Mr. Blankfein? The Treasury here, I have the Secretary on the line for you."

“Lloyd, Hank here. Just a quick call to let you know we’re on track. I’m pushing through the $700 billion, and they’re all so scared by now they’ll accept it too."

“But Hank, I see they’re all trying to change it in all kinds of ways".

“Don’t worry, I asked for all I could think of, but I don’t need every single bit. They’ll give me enough to work our plan."

“Well, you asked for total immunity, you really think you can get that?"

“Look Lloyd, it doesn’t matter, does it? They’ll give me immunity from the courts, for sure. And then they can have some token grip on what I’ve done, like some review 6 months after the fact. You know, democracy and all that, haha. It’ll be too late by then to turn anything back."

“If you can pull this one off, Hank, that’s quite a feat. Got to be honest, I didn’t think you could do it."

“They’re all the same, Lloyd, these people. You just scare the heebees out of them and they do everything you say. Besides, what do they know about securities and swaps? Their only source is our own Goldman people inside Congress. As long as our guys say jump, they jump. Their number 1 is: they want to keep their seats. And our donations."

“Oh, and before I forget, Lloyd, I also decided to go to the next step of the plan today. I’m going to make you and MS commercial banks."

“Weren’t we supposed to wait with that one, Hank?"

“Yeah, but time is of the essence. I don’t want more stock losses at the firm. Goldman hasn’t made a penny for too long now, and I’m going to change that. I’m losing too much on my own stock. You’ll get full Fed access, and a zillion in customer deposits you can use to write more paper. It’s brilliant, when you think about it."

“Sure, but we’ll get all that oversight and stuff."

“Lloyd, the only ones overseeing you will be me and the boys at the Fed. How bad could that be? Stop worrying, we got it all worked out."

“Well, if you say so, Hank, but it’s just four more months for you. What happens after that?"

“Don’t worry, four months is enough. And after that, another of our guys takes over. How about you, Lloyd, you might be good at it? What you need to do now is get the boys ready to start taking over all the banks I’m going to let fail. I’ll get Morgan and BoA some as well, of course, we have a free market here. Ha, I kill me sometimes. You’ll need some bright kids for that, Lloyd, it’ll be a lot of money for nothing. And have some token funds at hand to pay for it. You’ll get it all back, of course."

“I know the plan, Hank, no worries there, I’ll tell everyone to be prepared for something big."

“I got to go, Lloyd, Bennie boy just walked in, he’s waiting next door to do some more details. I’ll keep you posted."

“OK. One more thing, Hank, did you see the markets today? The dollar is falling, and so is the Dow, even with all the shorts covering their bee-hinds That’s going to cost us a lot of dough!"

“Lloyd, I don’t care anymore. I got the power now. It’s not going to cost me a dime. I’ll just make it tax-deductible, or ram it through Fannie, or the FDIC, or something. I can do whatever I want. And believe me, I will."

Fade to black...