Emotional Abuse and Violence Cross a Line that Should Never Seem Murky

[Triana]

by Steven Stosny -


"Like most adults I was appalled by the http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/view/2009_03_13_Survey_finds_many_Hub_kids_placing_blame_on_Rihanna:_The_beat_goes_on/srvc=home&position=also">Boston survey that showed 46% of the teen respondents believing that Rihanna was responsible for her beating at the hands of Chris Brown. Another 44% said that fighting was a normal part of relationships.

I don't know how the questions were worded, but I suspect that the survey indicates something I have found in my work with thousands of victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse. The surveyed kids, like so many of my clients, conflate relationship conflict - including intense disagreements - with abuse.

Because relationships are dynamic, interactive systems, it is not possible to have unilateral conflicts and disagreements; both parties must contribute something, however inadvertent, to the escalation of conflict. Both are likely to perceive their negativity as mere reactions to the other. But once conflict crosses the line into abuse, it enters a starkly different realm.

Abuse is a different ballpark

Abuse is intentionally harming the feelings or body of another. It requires a perception that the loved one is a threat and a conscious decision to inflict emotional or physical harm. There is no such thing as uncontrollable anger that forces a person to harm another. The brain always makes a judgment and a choice to aggress, albeit very rapidly.

For example, Rihanna probably said or did something to upset Chris. Yet he would have found a way not to get so upset if Shaquille O'Neal had done or said the same thing to him. He made a judgment that he would not be destroyed in the assault of his girlfriend and a choice to harm her. He was very much in control of that choice and is, therefore, completely and unilaterally responsible for his abusive behavior."

[FirstLight]

1. Kick & rec

As an abuse survivor, it is an amazing thing to look at from a psychological view. I couldn't beleive how much the stories are the "same" even if the MO is different...

Much like rape, the vicim is the one blamed... much like rape, it is not a crime about sex or love or anything BUT violence & CONTROL. Many abusers fel that their lives are not in control, so they enforce control on the one person they can - their significant other...
Abuse is multi-faceted...emotional, verbal, physical, sexual...but also financal and legal. The abuser is a master manipulator, able to convince the agencies and people that are supposed to help the victim that it is NOT him, but the victim who is unstable and unbalanced, etc...
I was asked in the hospital ( after being thrown across a room and going into premature labor) "were you recently a victim of domestic violence?" - with my abuser standing right next to the bed - how could I answer?
We went to the family serices for counseling for my older son and they determined that he needed meds and that I was post-partum - without spending ANY time interviewing us one on one or even meeting my son! Again & again, as I reacehd out for help, I was the one who had to fight for basic rights, and I was told I was unstable...that my abuser was the one in control of himself...of course! he was in control of us ALL! The services are there, but you have to be willing to fight for your needs, and at the same time you have to be submissive to the "system" - I had to be followed by Child Protective Services for 6 mos after leaving my ex- to ensure I would not return to him and endanger the kids.

thank god I left when I did.... 5 years free, and I am still fighting to get us the proper counseling and get my health improved...


There is a cerain type of personality that survives in these instances...being a victim is not the end-all, be-all of a definition. Though being a victim can teach one how to find their inner survivor!

[Triana]

2. they are master manipulators who know how to game the system and the system..

...is BROKEN. It often hurts those it is "intended" to help. Those who escape get out in SPITE of the system and not because of it, mostly.

Your story matches up with this article from someone who worked in a DV shelter :

http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=213

Instead of them following YOU - they should have been following HIM. That right there is bassackwards. HE was the abuser.

[malaise]

7. Keep fighting

You left - that was the beginning of your recovery :grouphug:

[Control-Z]

28. Your story sounds

so much like mine I really don't need to add much more, other than my husband is a Narcissist who continues to try and abuse. I am immune from his abuse most of the time, but my children are not. Just one day a week visiting is hurting them tremendously. And still no one believes me.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

3. I've been through mental and emotional abuse.

I am not trying to take away from the suffering of victims of physical violence, both male and female.

My ex was paranoid and narcissistic. Nothing I did was ever good enough. It only took him four years to break my spirit and my health to the point where I ended up in the hospital with bacterial pneumonia. That episode of a broken immune system lasted about FIVE YEARS.

He was smart enough to not hit me. He did not do anything that he could be arrested for, so he could look like he was the good guy and I was the crazy woman.

[Triana]

11. Manifestor...I understand...

my ex was also mostly a verbal/mental/emotional abuser. He was a malignant narcissist with zero empathy (sociopath and drunk / booze addict to boot), and crazymaker dujour.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical - people minimize it because it leaves no bruises, lacerations, or broken bones. BUT - it can affect a person's mental and physical health, cause depression, PTSD, sleep disorders, weight problems, depressed immune response, other stress-related illness like yours - it TEARS A PERSON DOWN - mentally and physically - even if there is no physical violence.

And, that's what it's intended to do. And, emotional abuse takes longer to recover from than physical abuse. MUCH longer. A woman's bruises and lacerations (if she has them) will heal long before her spirit ever will and before she will recover emotionally from what happened to her.

Often, abusers don't use physical violence and stick to verbal/emotional only as a way to keep themselves out of trouble with the law - like mine. They are NO LESS abusers however, than a batterer - just that the battering is emotional instead of physical.

And, many times, most often, emotional abuse ESCALATES to physical abuse eventually. It may take some time - maybe even years, but it often gets there.

Patricia Evans book - "Verbal Abuse, How to Recognize it and How to Respond" is an excellent read about this, as well as "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. - both of these are staples in understanding the minds, modus operandi, and tactics of verbal, emotional, and physical abusers.

They lack empathy, compassion, are full of rage, and have a supreme sense of entitlement. They have psychological issues that they must deal with and reconcile themselves with in order to stop abusing. Those issues stem from things in their lives that happened before any partner ever arrived and nothing the partner does to change his/her behavior will change the abuser's behavior. They'll just find another reason to be abusive.

Because the truth is - the target's behavior has nothing to DO with the abuser's. The abuser would behave that way no matter WHO the target is.

If they don't get help for their abuse, all that changes in their lives are their partners - their behavior doesn't change - unless THEY do the years and years of therapy and intense work of changing their attitudes. And most of them - won't.

It's easier to just find a new target. That's what mine did once I refused to tolerate his verbal and emotional abuse anymore and once I confronted him with it - waving Patricia Evans' book around with tabbed pages to illustrate examples that matched - word for word - the things he'd done and said to me for over four years. He HATED that book. It was about HIM, that's why.

[truedelphi]

13. Involvement with those who "only" cause you emotional harm and

Loss of your sanity is a difficult experience to have lived through.

I was involved for six months with someone who knew exactly how to set off my buttons, and to control and to control. I feel fortuante I woke up and got out, but at some other point in time (Especially when I was much younger) I might have not seen through his game.

He was charming and smart and my close friends were fascinated by him. If he had hit me and left a bruise, everyone would have advised me to get out. But when your partner is "just" manipulative, it is really a hard.

[Triana]

14. Yes. The phrase "just" emotionally abusive or "just" verbally abusive is a misnomer...

...that type of abuse can do as much harm - and more long-lasting harm than the physical - and both are wholly unacceptable means of dealing with relationship conflict. Verbal/emotional abuse in intimate relationships, especially if long-term, can be devastating. And if there are children involved, same with them - it scars them emotionally for life - whether it is directed at them or they just witness it.

[lunatica]

4. "He was very much in control

of that choice and is, therefore, completely and unilaterally responsible for his abusive behavior."

You nailed it in that sentence! The 'uncontrollable rage' defense is hogwash. Everyone is accountable for their behavior after childhood unless they're fucking crazy in which case they should be getting institutional help. Everyone.

It's all about controlling others while deliberately practicing very little self control.

[Triana]

9. Stonsy:

"There is no such thing as uncontrollable anger that forces a person to harm another. The brain always makes a judgment and a choice to aggress,"

I like the example he gives that if the person in the car with Chris Brown had been Shaqulle O'Neill - Brown would have CHOSEN NOT to assault him - no matter what Shaq did or said to him first - but he felt safe to batter Rihanna because Brown knew doing so would bring no physical harm to HIM.

It IS a CHOICE to abuse and they are absolutely in control - that example by Stosny proves it. Furthemore, power and control are ALL to an abuser - it's their objective in life with their partner. That's what it's all about with them.

[Withywindle]

5. kick and rec

All relationships have arguments and conflicts. There is a BIG difference. Everyone needs to learn how to "fight clean."

There's no possibility of "fighting clean" with an abuser. Everything you do and everything you have (your weaknesses and your good qualities alike) will be used against you. People who say, "Why doesn't she just leave him" might mean well, but they don't understand how deep the damage goes and how far it gets under the victim's skin.

[Triana]

10. Exactly! n/t

[nichomachus]

6. Word to the wise -- never threaten the abuser with a restraining order

Just do it ! ! ! !

I can't tell you how many cases I've seen where the abused party threatened the abuser (usually a man) with a restraining order, as a way of trying to get him to stop, and had the tables turned on them.

A crafty abuser, once threatened, will come to the court, claim he is the abused party and will get a temporary restraining order, which is almost always given based solely on his word. The sheriffs show up, remove the abused party (accused of being the abuser) from the home, taking only what clothes she can carry, and forbid her to have any contact with the children until the court hearing on the permanent order -- usually a three-week period, at least in our jurisdiction.

It's really heartbreaking when that happens.

PS, the same goes for divorce. Never tell someone you are going to get a divorce. Just do it. If you just threaten, you give the other party a chance to file first, which makes them the driving force in the process and can work to your disadvantage.

[Triana]

15. Excellent advice. NEVER tell an abuser your plans to leave or get protection

make the plans, definitely - taking time to do that is important but never ever tell them about your plans. Let them think things are A-OK.

When you have things arranged and are ready - then leave. I know one person who planned for a couple months and left while he was at work.

She saved money in a separate acct., got a place, and a P.O. box for her mail so she didn't have to use a street address for correspondence, got copies of all important papers (insurance, banking, pay statements, mortgage, personal information, etc.), told people she could trust AFTER leaving that she no longer lived there (but didn't tell them where exactly she lived unless absolutely necessary), told her employer she had left in case he decided to stalk or bother her at work, told her family (but didn't tell them where she was lest one of them cave to his demands that they tell him), told her new neighbors AND the new local police in case he found and decided to harass her at her new home, had an alarm system installed in her new place, etc. etc. Then, she got a lawyer and filed and let him know the sitch.

She made her plans quietly - and she left him. It's not easy. It's scary. But for God's sake DO NOT tell them what you're planning or anything about it - they are master manipulators and con artists - they will thwart you at every turn. An abuser's main objective is maintaining control of his/her target at all times and maintaining complete power over him/her.

Abusers are most dangerous when they know they are LOSING CONTROL of their targets. DON'T LET THEM KNOW they are losing control of you - until AFTER you're gone - that way you won't be there for their rage - you will avoid their manipulations and con games, and you'll be safe. (or safER, at least)

[FirstLight]

30. AMEN!

It took me about three months to get the "plan" roughly together in my head...but when the last straw boke the camel's back, I was ready to make the call for a ride and pack it up...

He actually came home as all the stuff was piled in the living room and my ride was about 15 min away...the most uncomfortable 15 min of my LIFE! ...because he threatened, he accused, etc...then he changed his tune, began cuddling the kids and crying like I was taking his life away from him...when HE was the one who sucked the life out of me for years!

I am still realizing that I am not the same person, I can't laugh at jokes that are too close to home, I can't flirt easily or just be silly sometimes. I think I am stuck in that defensive mode most of the time still...and that is AFTER how many years of therapy and constant work on myself and our lives? I stil feel the kids need more too...my teen goes along fine for a while then has a meltdown and yet won't share the reason or feelings behind any of it....just teen angst? i think not

healing from the words is the hardest, for sure...those are the things that stick. I still think I am ugly...when I used to be so "cute" my health and stress levels are borderline most of the time, even with all the things I KNOW and the tools i have to be balanced...i am still wounded so much sometimes...

what happened?
did he ruin me?

the jury is still out on that one

[hermetic]

8. Hi FirstLight

Sorry, wrong place.

[benEzra]

12. K&R. (n/t)

[dustbunnie]

16. So fracking leave -

usually the signs are there, and aren't relegated to men only. If you don't like what;s happening leave. How much simpler can it be?

Blah blah about Chris whatever his name is, if you don't like it, you leave. Fuck all that shit about how women respond to blah blah.

[Triana]

24. CLUES on sale at Wal-Mart this weekend!! 3/$1 - GET YOURS *TODAY!!*

Not that I think you'll READ or grok this in the midst of your self-righteous willful ignorance - but here it is anyway for others who might benefit and whose minds actually allow stuff INTO them:


http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=213

[ColbertWatcher]

17. When I first heard about all this, I had no idea who either of these people were/are.

Then I saw the photo of Rhianna, which was shocking.

At what point did the older generation (mine) forget to teach the younger generation (Brown & Rhinna's) what we learned about abuse?

Something is missing here, and I don't know what it is.

[dustbunnie]

18. Well apparently women have no choice at all anymore,

Every woman is somehow a captive to a man.

[ColbertWatcher]

21. I disagree.

And I think you're being sarcastic.

Nonetheless, what I'm understanding form the story is that the younger generation doesn't see a problem with Brown hitting Rhianna as part of some disagreement.

What I'm not getting is: how did all the lessons my generation took forever to learn get missed by this generation?

Are we not communicating them correctly? Did we just assume the lessons were obvious? Did we assume that since everything has been written down, they no longer need to be discussed?

[Triana]

25. I don't know CB, but something certainly is missing - link to Stosny's entire piece...

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200903/emotional-abuse-and-violence-cross-line-should-never-seem-m

He has the same question as you do.

[lunatica]

22. Ah! The ever ubiquitous self-righteous ignorant who think

their simplistic obvious response is just not understood by the stupid victims. Just leaving is very thing that causes the ultimate abuse in most cases. The one where the abuser goes the extra inch and kills the victim.

And when the abuse is towards a child what's you advice? To tell the child he/she is being stupid and to just leave?

[Triana]

26. Exactly ...

“Why doesn’t the field slave,” for example, “Run away from the plantation in the middle of the night while the master sleeps?” The answers are immediate and unequivocal. “Because the slaves know they’ll get hunted down.” “Because they know if they’re caught they’ll get beaten like never before.” “Because they stand a good chance of getting killed.”

...

Whether you ask the question in regard to slaves, prisoners of war, kidnap victims, concentration camp captives, or residents of violent regimes, etc., the horrific dynamics and dangers of attempting to escape are well understood by everyone. Some victims of these violent relationships do, in fact, make a run for it. Some succeed. Some are killed. Some are recaptured and punished unmercifully.

Most victims, however, never go beyond an initial evaluation of the risks. The obvious dangers are just too great. They stay. Violence works. Violence, and the sheer terrorizing threat of it, has always, everywhere, worked better than anything else to keep victims compliant and pinned in place.

So why the glaring blind spot in regard to domestic violence victims? Why are women denied even the validation of the dangerous dynamics of her dilemma?

...

Fact: When domestic violence victims attempt to leave the relationship, the stalking and violence almost always escalates sharply as the perpetrator attempts to regain control.

Fact: The majority of domestic violence homicides occur as a woman attempts to leave or after she has left.

Fact: The most serious domestic violence injuries are perpetrated against women who have separated from the perpetrator.

SOURCE:

http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=213


MORE:

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. That is the most lethal time for her. Meanwhile, uninformed people scream out, “Why doesn’t she leave? if she left, she’d be safe!” When you hear that, you know the person speaking hasn’t seen a woman stalked, even when she moved away. They haven’t met the person whose mother was murdered by the abuser when the victim left him and went to live with her mother. They haven’t met the women whose children were stolen from her by the abuser when she left.

Saying abusers exist because she puts up with it IS blaming the victim.

They exist because this is a patriarchal society, because it is very difficult for law enforcement to act on these charges, because often these men are extremely charming and no one can believe they meant to hurt the woman, because bad people exist who take advantage of those who are physically weaker. They exist because some men feel entitled to have power over the women in their lives and will do anything to maintain it. When you have lived under those conditions, stared down the barrel of your husband’s gun after you tried to leave him and the police don’t come when you call, then tell me that it’s her fault because she didn’t leave.

...

DoJ stats

* Domestic violence is the single most common source of injury to women – it is more common than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes by a stranger combined.
* 97% of the women killed by another family member were killed by their husband.
* More than 4,000 women each year are killed by their partners.
* By age 20, 1 in 3 young women will experience dating violence.



The idea that someone “deserves” to be beaten is intolerable and appalling. Choosing to use violence in response to conflict—and we emphasize that violence is a choice—is the sole responsibility of the abuser. Regardless of the circumstances or other factors of the situation, violence and abuse is never an acceptable response. Rihanna, or any other victim of violence, is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against them, plain and simple.

Rihanna’s rumored reunion with Chris Brown does not in any way mean she “wants to be abused.” Reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive relationship are more complex than a statement about the victim’s strength of character. For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is one of the most difficult we will ever make. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. Also, it is extremely common for battered women to return to their abuser multiple times before she leaves for good. Gaining strength, relinquishing hope, or letting go of someone we love is very hard and takes time even when violence is not present.

SOURCE:

http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=212

[Mushroom]

29. I'm captivated by words

From what I've determined online, women who fight so-called non-existent sexism are whiny, thin-skinned, (f)rigid feminazis who don't know what sexism even means and need to toughen up and lighten up if they want to be part of the fun life. How could this mind-mangling sophomoric propaganda not harm our kids too.

[dustbunnie]

19. Well apparently women have no choice at all anymore,

Every woman is somehow a captive to a man.

[Triana]

27. GET A CLUE

“Why doesn’t the field slave,” for example, “Run away from the plantation in the middle of the night while the master sleeps?” The answers are immediate and unequivocal. “Because the slaves know they’ll get hunted down.” “Because they know if they’re caught they’ll get beaten like never before.” “Because they stand a good chance of getting killed.”

...

Whether you ask the question in regard to slaves, prisoners of war, kidnap victims, concentration camp captives, or residents of violent regimes, etc., the horrific dynamics and dangers of attempting to escape are well understood by everyone. Some victims of these violent relationships do, in fact, make a run for it. Some succeed. Some are killed. Some are recaptured and punished unmercifully.

Most victims, however, never go beyond an initial evaluation of the risks. The obvious dangers are just too great. They stay. Violence works. Violence, and the sheer terrorizing threat of it, has always, everywhere, worked better than anything else to keep victims compliant and pinned in place.

So why the glaring blind spot in regard to domestic violence victims? Why are women denied even the validation of the dangerous dynamics of her dilemma?

...

Fact: When domestic violence victims attempt to leave the relationship, the stalking and violence almost always escalates sharply as the perpetrator attempts to regain control.

Fact: The majority of domestic violence homicides occur as a woman attempts to leave or after she has left.

Fact: The most serious domestic violence injuries are perpetrated against women who have separated from the perpetrator.

SOURCE:

http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=213


MORE:

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. That is the most lethal time for her. Meanwhile, uninformed people scream out, “Why doesn’t she leave? if she left, she’d be safe!” When you hear that, you know the person speaking hasn’t seen a woman stalked, even when she moved away. They haven’t met the person whose mother was murdered by the abuser when the victim left him and went to live with her mother. They haven’t met the women whose children were stolen from her by the abuser when she left.

Saying abusers exist because she puts up with it IS blaming the victim.

They exist because this is a patriarchal society, because it is very difficult for law enforcement to act on these charges, because often these men are extremely charming and no one can believe they meant to hurt the woman, because bad people exist who take advantage of those who are physically weaker. They exist because some men feel entitled to have power over the women in their lives and will do anything to maintain it. When you have lived under those conditions, stared down the barrel of your husband’s gun after you tried to leave him and the police don’t come when you call, then tell me that it’s her fault because she didn’t leave.

...

DoJ stats

* Domestic violence is the single most common source of injury to women – it is more common than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes by a stranger combined.
* 97% of the women killed by another family member were killed by their husband.
* More than 4,000 women each year are killed by their partners.
* By age 20, 1 in 3 young women will experience dating violence.



The idea that someone “deserves” to be beaten is intolerable and appalling. Choosing to use violence in response to conflict—and we emphasize that violence is a choice—is the sole responsibility of the abuser. Regardless of the circumstances or other factors of the situation, violence and abuse is never an acceptable response. Rihanna, or any other victim of violence, is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against them, plain and simple.

Rihanna’s rumored reunion with Chris Brown does not in any way mean she “wants to be abused.” Reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive relationship are more complex than a statement about the victim’s strength of character. For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is one of the most difficult we will ever make. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. Also, it is extremely common for battered women to return to their abuser multiple times before she leaves for good. Gaining strength, relinquishing hope, or letting go of someone we love is very hard and takes time even when violence is not present.

SOURCE:

http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=212

[seabeyond]

23. as my kids age, i am seeing a lot of things our older generation has not taught the younger

generation. serious colbert. that is a very good question and something we need to seriously look at. but you hit the nail on the head here.

[lumberjack_jeff]

20. That's true enough. If Shaq had hit Brown first, he'd have broken his jaw.

Then Shaq would be considered the abuser instead of the victim.

"New Details Surrounding Police Report

Contrary to what sites like TMZ had previously reported, Rihanna did not tell police that she was the victim of “escalating violence.” TMZ reported: “Multiple law enforcement sources tell TMZ, the night of the attack Rihanna told cops she was the victim of escalating violence -- and the perp was Brown.”

However, a source involved in the investigation tells Hollyscoop exclusively that in the reports, Rihanna confessed there has only been two other incidences in which she felt threatened, but this was the first time Chris retaliated. Rihanna told investigators that the first incident occurred in Europe three months ago. It was a verbal dispute, which led to Rihanna slapping Chris Brown. In self-defense, Chris put her up “against the wall” and told her to calm down.

The second incident occurred when the couple was visiting Rihanna’s family in her native Barbados back in August 2008. She described the incident as a verbal dispute, and added that no one was assaulted. According to the source involved in the investigation, the night of the alleged attack, Rihanna attacked Chris after reading a text message sent to him by a former lover.

The situation escalated and resulted in Chris’ alleged attack on Rihanna. Chris turned himself over to the LAPD on February 8 and was booked and later released on $50,000 bail.

The Call for Help

Although initial reports suggested that a female made the call to police, according to the report, it was a Rabbi who lives in the area. The unidentified man reportedly heard the confrontation outside and called 911, not knowing he was about to make a report about R&B’s biggest stars. He came outside when he heard shouting. “She was screaming out of control and he was extremely calm,” read his statement, adding that Rihanna “was not screaming for help, she was just screaming.”

http://www.hollyscoop.com/chris-brown/chris-brown-and-rihanna-new-police-report-details-emerge_19525.aspx